(no subject)
last one! yay! that means that jack's return is less then 24 hours away!! thank you everyone for the great feedback on these. i've definitely enjoyed doing them...it made for a nice trip down memory lane.
i apologize again for the lateness. i was not happy whenever i hit paste and it came up with only a link to one of the previous parts. i was seriously ready to hurt something/someone.
Oh, and there's 96 pictures in this. be prepared to wait a bit, even if you AREN'T on dial up. it's worth it though :)
The Adventures of Captain Jack Harkness
Part 5 - CSI Cardiff Part 2
Episode 7
So we pick up with old skool Brits running around, aliens coming out of nowhere, and a whore.
The Torchwood team goes to a site with a very much dead body from like 1700something, but with a giant hole in the chest. They go back to the hub and muse over it, but Owen says some things to Tosh that makes her emo.
She goes to have a drink and gets hit on by some women (who happens to be the whore from the beginning of the episode) and Tosh starts spilling her guts about Torchwood. Mary (the whore) gives her a necklace which allows her to read people's minds. It also makes Tosh have an orgasm.
Back at the hub she's reading everyone's thoughts and is all "OMG THEY HATES ME"
Mary then stalks her flat and they have lots of hot girl sex.
The next day Tosh saves a family's life from the psycho ex-husband who wants to blow their brains out cause she heard him thinking about it.
Back at the hub, Gwen is ripping on Owen for realizing that the dead corpse is a) not a woman and b) didn't get shot. Jack finds this very amusing (AND IS BACK IN THE EPISODE YAY!)
She then tries to tell Jack about her awesome new necklace, but Jack is all "STFU I'M having phone sex ON THE PHONE WITH THE PRIMINISTER" or something.
She goes to meet Mary who's all "see I KNEW you wouldn't tell!" She goes back to the hub and actually has a half decent conversation with Owen, despite the thoughts he's having about her. So she tries to tell Jack again but also tries to get into his mind but there's NOTHING THERE and Jack is all "whatchu talkin' bout Willis?"
Back at Tosh's flat, Mary comes in and is all BTW I'M AN ALIEN! and Tosh is all "...omg I had sex with an alien. Does that make me like Jack?" Then she goes a bit crazy, Owen figures out what's going on, and Mary is all "TORCHWOOD NAO!"
They get there and Jack is all "I have your toy! Ha ha ha!" to Mary and Mary's all "I'LL CUT A BITCH IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME MY TOY!"
So then Jack is all "you know, you're kinda hot for an alien lesbian, but you go bye bye now."
And he sends her to the sun. Tosh turns emo, bonds over emo-ness with Ianto, then smashes the necklace. Jack is all "hey, you're still lovable and pretty hot and I can't believe you're a lesbian and I never knew it!" Which makes Tosh feel tons better.
Episode 8
So the Torchwood team of incredible hotness...
...goes to a murder scene that has their name written on the wall in blood.
Jack: Well fuck me.
Back at the hub, they try to piece together the murders and they're all "HEY LET'S USE SUZIE'S CRAZY GLOVE!"
So Jack goes into his safe of magical things and pulls out the glove and Ianto's all "Risen Mitten" and Jack's like "ok I'll deal with that."
So Jack tries the glove first and has a spontaneous orgasm in the process.
But the guy is still dead. So Gwen tries and YAY it works. Dead dude mentions Suzie. They're all BUZZUH?!
So they go through Suzie's stuff and Jack finds a book of Emily Dickenson and Jack's all "HEY GUYS POETRY READING LATER IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM!"
They figure out that Suzie was involved in the cult that the dead people were in, so they're like great, time to bring Suzie back.
Gwen tries the glove but it doesn't work. Owen is all HEY get that knife and cut her or something!
Ianto: Life Knife. Jack: God that's sexy.
So Jack tries cutting her and there's no luck. So he's like "Ok." STABBITY!
And she's up and all WTF WHY AM I DEAD and Jack's like CRAZY BITCH YOU SHOT YOURSELF and Suzie's like ...oh yeah.
She tries to give them information but then Ianto's stopwatch of kinkiness is all time's up! And Gwen's like LET ME DO IT AGAIN! and Jack's all NO YOU CAN'T and Ianto is all ....um, she's still kickin.
And everyone is like WOT?!?!
So Jack is all HEY DEAD SUZIE WHAT'S UP?
And she tells them about the cult and some guy that she gave retcon to like once a week for two years that might have made him kill those peeps. So they go to a club to try and find him and after kicking the wrong guy's ass, they find the right one and lock him in the cell next to the Weevil.
Owen realizes that everytime he says Torchwood, dude flips out for like a minute or two. Jack is all o_O
Gwen, meanwhile, is chatting with dead!Suzie about her dad having cancer or some shit, so Gwen get's pissed off about it and storms into Jack's office. Where we get the most fantastic Jack!phrase of the season:
"I had a boyfriend who used to walk into rooms like that. Grand entrance. Got kind of boring. Though he was one of twins so I put up with it. Twin acrobats. Man, I gotta write that book. Maybe even illustrate it."
Please do Jack. Please do.
So then Owen calls Jack into the conference room and is like OMG SUZIE IS SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF GWEN! So while they're trying to figure out how to fix this, Gwen takes Suzie on a road trip. While they look for her to go hunt her down, the power goes out!!
Jack hollars for Ianto, who appears with a flashright at the ready...
So they try to figure out what the hell is going on and Ianto's all "HEY I have a phone working for you!" and Jack is all "omg I love you and your tech geekiness."
Jack calls up the police that were on the murder case and was all "HALP US WE HAVE TO READ POETRY!"
After the cops get a good laugh out of it, the team has their poetry reading in the hub. But that doesn't make the lights go back on. So Tosh was like TRY THE ISBN and it WORKS! Power is restored, and Jack and Owen fly down the interstate to catch up with Gwen and Suzie.
Those two, meanwhile, get to the hospital where Suzie's dad is, Gwen notices that she's bleeding from the back of her head and Suzie is all "oh yeah, you're slowly shooting yourself." Then pulls the plug on her dad and takes Gwen and drives her car out to God knows where.
Jack gets her on the phone by calling Gwen and is all BITCH GIVE HER BACK and Suzie's all NO SHE'S MINE!
Suzie takes her to get on a ferry (despite the fact that Gwen's going to be dead in like .2 seconds). Owen and Jack finally get there and Gwen falls dead and Owen turns emo and Jack is all DIE BITCH and shoots Suzie a lot and Suzie's all HA HA HA I CAN'T DIE NOW EITHER AS LONG AS THE GLOVE IS THERE! and Jack is all "oh fuck."
So Tosh and Ianto destroy the glove, Suzie finally dies, Gwen comes back to life, and Jack's all "ha ha you dead again bitch."
Back at the hub, Jack goes to check on Ianto who is doing the paperwork on Suzie and Ianto's all "By the way, I still have that stop watch." And Jack's all "ok?" and Ianto's all "Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch." And Jack is all "Oh yeah?!"
And Ianto smirks and Jack is all "My office. 10 minutes. With your pants down."
Episode 10
Again, I'm skipping Random Shoes cause it's 90% Gwen and kinda boring. So it's on to Out of Time
So we start out with Jack, Gwen, and Owen on a landing strip, watching a plane that's straight out of the 1940's land infront of them. The people come out of the plane, completely lost, and Jack is all HAY YOU LOOK LIKE ME!!!
So it turns out that these people (John, Diane, and Emma) are from the 1950's and got sucked into the rift, landing in 2007 Cardiff. They take them back to the hub and Gwen's all WTF do we do with them?
Jack: Well...we'll put them in a flat with a couple of homeless girls...
Give them new identities...
And send them on a shopping trip with Ianto, complete with porn, cigarettes, and bananas.
So John goes to find his son, Emma goes back to the flat and gets drunk off half a beer with the girls, and Diane goes to hang out with her plane. And Owen. Who she shows that it's still ok for blokes to be chivalrous. And then they have lots of sex.
Gwen then takes in Emma, telling Rhys she's a cousin, because John got all pissy that Emma drank half a beer.
Emma wakes up the next morning to see Rhys' naked ass, John eventually finds his son, Owen and Diane have a time out together, then Jack gets all emo that these people are never going to get back to their time.
So John gets all emo that his son is old and senile, comes back to the hub to thank Jack for everything, then takes Ianto's car all "hey imma go kill myself now."
Ianto finally notices this and calls down to Jack (instead of, you know, walking down there) and Jack is all "really, Ianto, you can just come downstairs if you want a snog," but Ianto's all "no really, John's got my car."
SO Jack trudges upstairs and sees that John is going to his old house and is like oh shit.
Jack runs out, but Ianto is right there to hand him his coat. They're like an old married couple...it's cute.
So John is half dead, but Jack saves him, and John is all I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR and Jack's all YES YOU DO and John's all NO REALLY I DON'T LET ME DIEEEE so Jack says okay and sits there, holding his hand, and lets him die. Which makes Jack emo cause he's all "I wish I could die like him."
In the meantime of all of this, Owen turns into a gentleman, takes Diane to the top of a parking garage where they dance and drink champagne, and then they have incredibly hot sex. Gwen teaches Emma all about sex in the 2000's, and Rhys then finds out that she's not really Gwen's cousin and he gets all pissy. Emma finds a job in London, and after Rhys gets pissy about Gwen lying to him, she finally lets Emma go to start a new life. Diane realizes that she would rather fly then be with Owen, which makes him very VERY pissy, but she flies off anyway.
And then there's a beautiful montage of all their memories with their new friends.
Episode 11
We start out with Jack running after a Weevil. But this isn't a normal Weevil. It's an asskicking Weevil. Which is exactly what this thing does, is kick Jack's ass.
Gwen and Rhys are out at dinner, trying to have a night to themselves, but Gwen is all spacey and Rhys gets pissy. That's when Gwen sees a Weevil running through the streets. Followed by an ass-kicked Jack. Jack is all "HAY I'm gonna borrow your girlfriend now. Kthnxbai."
So they run after the Weevil and chase him into a parking garage but before they can corner it, a white van pulls out of nowhere and swipes it up. Jack and Gwen are like o_O
Back at the hub, they're trying to figure out what's going on with the Weevil snatchers, and Jack keeps calling Owen all GET YOUR ASS TO WORK RIGHT NOW please?
Owen is out at a pub, meanwhile, all kinds of emo over Diane, and gets himself into a fight with some bloke who was mean to the bartender.
So then Jack and Ianto go downstairs to find the Weevil they have all locked up is howling and stuff. And Jack is all "awww poor baby are the big bad men hurting you?" and Ianto is all o_O
Finally on the CCTV they find the white van outside an abandoned werehouse, so Jack and Tosh go to investigate. They find a very much dead guy, but then his cell phone starts ringing. Instead of walking away, Jack answers it and this creepy ominous voice is all GTFO and Jack is all NO WAI IMMA KEEL YOU and voice is all FUCK YOU BUDDY and Jack is all RIGHT BACK AT YOU!
Back at the hub, Owen finally emerges to check out the dead guy. He's like "yep, definitely dead. Can I go back to drinking now?" and Gwen's all WHAT ABOUT THE GUY'S FAMILY and Jack's all "Owen, go with her."
So he does and the two get pissy with each other cause Gwen's all "No more shag for you" and Owen's all "FINE FUCK YOU TOO" and walks back to the hub.
He finally gets back and Jack's all o_O and Owen's all I HATE YOU ALL and Jack's like GOOD! You get to go undercover as a squid salesman!!
So Owen goes to meet this guy who they think is behind the Weevil captures, but he looks like he's been to the tanning bed too much and had one too many plastic surgeries. He's all I NEED SPACE and the dude is like WOW YOU'RE EMO and Owen is all I KNOW but give me that werehouse and Ken-doll is all ...maybe?
Back at the hub, they find out that another guy was attacked by a Weevil so Jack wants to go over to question him and Gwen's all I WANNA GO! But Jack's all Go home to your boyfriend. Mine is coming with me. And Ianto is all OMG I GET TO GO OUT YAY!
So Jack and Ianto go to question the guy and bond over snarkiness and grapes, and the dude is all I'm not telling and Jack is all I'll fuck your shit up!
So they go back to the hub to get Tosh and Jack is all "We're going to take Janet and plant her to see if she'll get captured" and Tosh and Ianto are like "...you named the Weevil Janet?"
Owen meanwhile goes to a pub with Ken-doll and bond over their love of kicking ass, so then he goes to Ken-doll's place and starts snooping around and finds a Weevil all chained up like a punching bag and Ken-doll is all HEY TRY THIS and Owen actually has a heart for a bit and is all OMG YOU'RE A SICK FUCK and Ken-doll is like Come on, let's go show off our testosterone.
Jack, Tosh, Ianto, and Janet go out and they plant Janet with a tracking device and start running around Cardiff keeping an eye on her. Just when she gets caught by the Weevil snatchers, they realize that she's lost her tracking device. So they're back to square one.
Meanwhile, Gwen goes home to Rhys but Rhys is all "I'm going out bye." So she goes and gets pizza and heads back to the hub, but there's noone there, so she cries alot. Then she hears a cell phone beeping, but it's not hers, it's the dead guy's. She looks and sees a text message with coordinates and she's like THAT MUST BE WHERE THEY'RE GOING so she calls Jack and is like GO HERE NOW and Jack's all "I thought I sent you home? But whatever, we're coming to get you then."
So Owen and Ken-doll get to the werehouse and Ken-doll is all YAY MANLINESS and then Owen sees that they're fighting Weevils for money or death and Owen's like "...Ya'll are fucked up." And Ken-doll is all "GET IN THERE NOW" and Owen's all "FUCK YOU" and Ken-doll is all "I'LL KILL YOU!" and Owen's all "...ok going."
He gets in the cage and is just about to get into the Weevil's head when the team comes in, guns blazing, and Jack is all GTFO!
Which distracts Owen and he almost gets his head torn off. Ken-doll then jumps in the cage and is all I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR and lets the Weevil kill him.
Jack visits Owen the next day and is like "I'll forgive you this time. I still like you. But you're so coming to work tomorrow."
Episode 12
The team gets a call about some strage music from the 40's that people are hearing inside of a building, so Jack and Tosh go to check it out.
They get in there and Jack tries dancing with Tosh but Tosh is like OMG MY LAPTOP
Since they don't find anything of interest, they turn to leave, but then they hear the music. As they walk back up the steps, they're suddenly sent back in time, where they find a bunch of soldiers dancing with their girls. It's now 1941 right in the middle of the Cardiff blitz and Jack is like OH MY GOD I'M HOOOOOME!
Meanwhile, Ianto is like "Honey? Where'd you go?" and Owen is all wuzzagoinon? So Ianto sends Gwen over to the building to find out why their comunicators aren't working.
Back in 1941, Jack is like "we need to blend in." And Tosh is all "okay, except for the fact that I'm JAPANESE and carrying a laptop!"
Tosh gets swept away to dance with a solider, who starts getting fresh with her, so Jack goes over and is all "MY WOMANZ" and the soldier is all "I SAW HER FIRST" and punches Jack. Jack is all "ok bad move buddy."
So just as they're about to get into a row, this American guy comes over and is all HEY THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN TIMES and Jack is all HAY YOU'RE HOT and the American dude is like "Hi, I'm Captain Jack Harkness" and EVERYONE is like WOT?!?!
So Ianto and Owen are like "ok, we need to try and do something with the rift to get them back," but the Ianto is like "...half the equation is missing" and they're both like "fuck."
So then they are looking through archives of the building and low and behold, they come across a picture of Jack and Tosh with some army guy. Owen and Ianto are like ....wot?!
Back in 1941, Tosh is like "WTF IS GOING ON" and Jack is all "I took his name. He dies tomorrow. But hey at least he's hot!"
So then they sneak into the manager's office to that Tosh can get the rest of the equation for the rift off of her laptop, but just as she's finishing it, the computer dies. Just in time for Bilis the manager to come in. And he's all "HEY I'm Bilis and I'm fabulous and creepy" and Jack is all "...you've out-gayed me. This is not good."
Back in the dance hall, our!Jack tells Tosh what's going to happen to real!Jack and gets all kinds of sad. So they go to talk to him and the soldiers and Tosh is like "Who understands geekery that wants to talk my ear off while I finish this equation" and some soldier is like OOOH ME! so they go off.
Then real!Jack's fuck buddy shows up and is all "HAY JACK" and real!Jack is all "can she join?" and our!Jack is all *grumblesuregrumble*
Back at the hub, Ianto comes across Bilis' name as the manager and Gwen's like "that can't be cause I just met him?" and Ianto is all "OMG GET OUT OF THERE!"
So Tosh finishes the equation and goes back to Bilis' office to take a picture of it and Bilis comes in and is like "CREEEEEEEEPY" and Tosh is all o_O *runs*
Owen meanwhile is like "Ok we're opening the rift the hard way" and Ianto is like "JACK WOULD NEVER ALLOW THIS" but in this really deep, sexy, angry voice. And Owen is all WHATEVER and realizes that a part is missing and he's like HEY I'm going to...help Gwen...yeah. I'll be back.
So real!Jack's fuck buddy is all "ok I'm going home have fun" and real!Jack is all "KTHNXBAI!" and our!Jack is like "GO KISS HER GOODBYE YOU FOOL"
So he does and she's all "OMG I LOVE YOU" and real!Jack goes to our!Jack and is like "YOU JUST MADE THINGS WORSE" and our!Jack is all "I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU HINTS THAT YOU'RE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW WITHOUT ACTUALLY TELLING YOU!"
Tosh finally finds a place to hide the equation so that the team back in 2007 will find it, but then she realizes that part of it was cut off. Gwen then finds the equation and reads it to Ianto and he's all "Nope, landed on a whammy. Try again." Just as Tosh is about to go back inside, there's BOMBS OVER BAHGDAD CARDIFF so she runs inside and Jack screams for her over the screams of everyone else and they go down to the bomb shelter. And Owen finally gets to the building and goes rumaging through Bilis' office to find the part for the rift.
Down in the bomb shelter, Tosh finds a seal-tight paint can, takes off the top, CUTS HER HAND OPEN WITH THE CAN, then uses the blood to write out the rest of the equation. Gwen eventually finds this as well, reads it to Ianto, but he's all "Strike two." And Gwen is all "SOMEONE SCRATCHED IT OUT OH NOES"
So our!Jack is watching Tosh do all this, but then real!Jack comes up behind up and starts talking about being scared but has to be strong for his men and such, but he's standing very. very. close. to our!Jack.
The air-raid is over, Bilis is all YAY PARTY! and the men are all "HEY CAPTAIN LETS DRINK" and real!Jack is like "I need to talk to fake!Jack first" and our!Jack is all "yeah I'm hot."
So our!Jack is like "srsly? Go bang your chick, you never know what's going to happen tomorrow" and real!Jack is all "...okay." And our!Jack turns emo.
So Owen finally finds the part and goes back to the rift machine and puts it in but it doesn't do what it's supposed to. So he ransacks Jack's office to find the blueprints and Ianto is all "JACK WOULD NOT APPROVE OF THIS" and Owen is all "BITE ME" and he finds the blueprints in Jack's safe of magical things.
He tries to make it work and Ianto is all "DON'T DO THIS" and Owen is all "FUCK YOU I'M BRINGING THEM BACK" so they wrestle each other to the ground, but Owen is obviously the winner since he's like part Weevil now or something.
our!Jack is now sitting in a corner crying to himself cause real!Jack went to bang his girl, but then he's back! And our!Jack is all "...wot?"
And real!Jack is all "You said live every moment like your last. But I want to do that here." and THEY HOLD HANDS!
But then some soldier is like "HAY I WANT TO BANG MY GIRL NOW" so they seperate quickly cause hi? It's 1941.
our!Jack is then watching real!Jack have drinks with his men and our!Jack smiles and is like "He'll be fine. He'll take care of his men."
Back in the hub, Owen is just about to figure things out when Ianto shows up with a gun and is like "I'll shoot you." and Owen's all "try it." and Ianto's all "NO REALLY I'LL SHOOT YOU" and Owen's all "THEN FUCKING SHOOT ME" and he makes the rift machine work and IANTO SHOOTS HIM OH MY GOD!
So our!Jack is now all emo again cause he's like "damnit real!Jack is going to die tomorrow." and Tosh tries to comfort him but it doesn't work. But then real!Jack and our!Jack catch eyes, and well...I'll let the pictures say the rest.
BUT THEN THE RIFT OPENS!!! Tosh is like "LET'S GO NOW!" and our!Jack is like "damnit" and starts walking towards the blue light but then is all "fuck this shit."
So they make it back to 2007 where Gwen is there and tackle!glomps Jack and he's all "Yay I'm home...but damnit I wish I could've stayed."
Back in the hub, Ianto and Owen kissed and made up, but Owen is still all "I brought them back" and Ianto is like "still needed to shoot you though."
But Jack doesn't pay any attention to this, because he's in his office having a toast with Tosh to the real Captain Jack Harkness and his men.
Episode 13
So we find Gwen in bed with Rhys, we get to see his naked ass again, and then Gwen turns on the TV to see THE WHOLE WORLD HAS GONE TO SHIT!!
In the hub, Jack is all "WAY TO GO OWEN THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT" and Owen is like "BUT I BROUGHT YOU ALL BACK!" and Jack is like "BUT MAYBE I DIDN'T WANT TO COME BACK!
So they get a call from one of Gwen's old cop buddies and is like get here now! Jack and Gwen go over there and finds a guy who looks like someone out of those Mastercard commercials. So Jack is all "I'm going to sedate him to get him back to the hub. If I'm not back in 5 minutes...just wait longer."
Meanwhile, Owen and Tosh go to the hospital cause there's some illness going around, but it just happens to be the black death! Owen is like GET EVERYONE OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW! They leave and Tosh turns around and sees her dead mum! (did anyone else know her mum was dead?) and she's all OPEN THE RIFT!! and we're all "WOT?"
Back in the hub, Ianto is dealing with the Weevils and Jack is all "that's hot."
So then Ianto turns around and sees Lisa! Who is all OPEN THE RIFT!!!
Owen comes back and is all BE A LEADER DAMNIT and Jack is all I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS CAUSE YOU FUCKED WITH THE RIFT!
And Owen is all FUCK YOU JACK and Jack is all FUCK YOU OWEN GTFO
So Owen leaves all emo cause he thinks he's going to be retconed.
Meanwhile, Jack and Gwen go to see Bilis in his shop of creepy clocks and Bilis is all "I'm still gay-er than you."
And Jack is all FUCK YOU BUDDY I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
Bilis then shows Gwen that Rhys is going to die and Gwen is like OMG WE NEED TO SAVE RHYS RIGHT NOW!! and Jack is all o_O
So Gwen runs to her flat and Rhys is still alive but she zaps him out to get him back to the hub to keep him safe.
Owen is at a bar drinking his sorrows away and Diane comes out of nowhere and is all OPEN THE RIFT DAMNIT!
Rhys wakes in the hub up all "WOT?!" and Gwen's like "I'm keeping you safe I promise BRB!!!" But then the power mysteriously goes out and Rhys takes that as the opportuned moment to step out of his cell. But then Bilis comes out of nowhere and is all STABBITY!
And Gwen finds him and lets out a scream of Darth Vader finding out about Padme proportions.
They all sit emo over his body and Gwen starts punching the hell out of Jack all OPEN THE RIFT YOU BASTARD!!!
So Owen comes back and is all HAY GUYS I'M BACK LETS OPEN THE RIFT and everyone, even Ianto, is like OKAY! and Jack's all "Oh fuck, I've got a mutany on my hands."
So they all take turns fighting over the computer like a bunch of five year olds and Jack is like I WILL KILL YOU ALL GET AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER
and they're all FUCK YOU JACK WE'RE OPENING THE RIFT and he's all HA HA HA YOU NEED MY EYES! OVER MY DEAD BODY!
And Owen is all "OKAY!" AND SHOOTS JACK DEAD! AND I MEAN REALLY, REALLY DEAD!
So they all scan their eyes, including dead Jack's, and they open the rift. But it also makes the hub go ESSPLODEY and Jack wakes up and is like OMG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!
So they get out of the hub (but not without Jack's coat!) and get outside and Bilis is like HA HA HA I'M GOING TO RULE THE UNIVERSE! PS Turn around.
And they find Abaddon! Aka The Devil! Which makes me confused cause I was like didn't the Doctor take care of him? But then I remember that it's way in the future that that happens. But then I'm like WAIT if he's there now how in the hell is in the future too?! And it all makes my head hurt so I'm going to stop and continue on with this narrative.
Anyway, if you get in Abaddon's shadow, you're dead. The end. So Jack is like "If he wants to feast on life? Then he can come after me cause I have ALL KINDS OF LIFE!"
So Abaddon comes over and sucks all of the life out of Jack.
And leaves him for dead.
But this time, he's really really REALLY dead.
So Gwen is all HE TOLD ME HE CAN'T DIE and the rest of them are like well, he is. And Gwen is all I don't believe it I want to sit here. So she sits there for a while (a few days) and everyone else goes about their business all emo like, and Ianto even picks up Jack's office and gives us the greatest impression of Brokeback Mountain ever.
Finally Gwen's all "okay you're really dead." But gives him once last kiss.
Which happens to be the thing that brings him back. And he's all "yeah I still got it, even when I'm dead."
So everyone is all YAY JACK and Tosh runs up to him and tackle!glomps him and Ianto's all "um hi?" and Jack's all COME HERE YOU!
And Owen is all "I'm so so so so so sorry" and Jack's like "It's ok. I forgive you. Till you fuck up the next time."
So Gwen is like "rift?" and Jack's like "it's closed. All better." And Gwen is all "So what would've tempted you to open it" and Jack says "The right kind of Doctor."
He gets up and like WTF BITCHES WHERE'S MY COFFEE and while he's walking over towards the entrance of the hub, the hand starts going crazy and papers start flying everywhere. And then there's an oh so familiar noise that comes from the outside and Jack is all "YAY TARDIS NOISE!!1!11one!!"
Then he disappears. Right infront of Gwen's eyes. The rest of them come back and are all "WOT?!?!"
*collaspes*
So where will the Adventures of Captain Jack Harkness take us now? Well, the only way to find out is to watch his episode Utopia tomorrow (TODAY OMG) on the BBC, then keep an eye out on your various doctor who/torchwood communities (or who_daily and torchwood_three /editor pimpage) for the continuation of the Adventures!!
Again, all caps came from the Institute. And if you've missed the previous parts, they're here: One (Empty Child/Doctor Dances), Two (Boom Town), Three (Bad Wolf/Parting of Ways), and Four (Torchwood Part 1 - Eps 1-6)
Thank you all again for the feedback, and enjoy the episode!!!
i apologize again for the lateness. i was not happy whenever i hit paste and it came up with only a link to one of the previous parts. i was seriously ready to hurt something/someone.
Oh, and there's 96 pictures in this. be prepared to wait a bit, even if you AREN'T on dial up. it's worth it though :)
The Adventures of Captain Jack Harkness
Part 5 - CSI Cardiff Part 2
Episode 7
So we pick up with old skool Brits running around, aliens coming out of nowhere, and a whore.
The Torchwood team goes to a site with a very much dead body from like 1700something, but with a giant hole in the chest. They go back to the hub and muse over it, but Owen says some things to Tosh that makes her emo.
She goes to have a drink and gets hit on by some women (who happens to be the whore from the beginning of the episode) and Tosh starts spilling her guts about Torchwood. Mary (the whore) gives her a necklace which allows her to read people's minds. It also makes Tosh have an orgasm.
Back at the hub she's reading everyone's thoughts and is all "OMG THEY HATES ME"
Mary then stalks her flat and they have lots of hot girl sex.
The next day Tosh saves a family's life from the psycho ex-husband who wants to blow their brains out cause she heard him thinking about it.
Back at the hub, Gwen is ripping on Owen for realizing that the dead corpse is a) not a woman and b) didn't get shot. Jack finds this very amusing (AND IS BACK IN THE EPISODE YAY!)
She then tries to tell Jack about her awesome new necklace, but Jack is all "STFU I'M having phone sex ON THE PHONE WITH THE PRIMINISTER" or something.
She goes to meet Mary who's all "see I KNEW you wouldn't tell!" She goes back to the hub and actually has a half decent conversation with Owen, despite the thoughts he's having about her. So she tries to tell Jack again but also tries to get into his mind but there's NOTHING THERE and Jack is all "whatchu talkin' bout Willis?"
Back at Tosh's flat, Mary comes in and is all BTW I'M AN ALIEN! and Tosh is all "...omg I had sex with an alien. Does that make me like Jack?" Then she goes a bit crazy, Owen figures out what's going on, and Mary is all "TORCHWOOD NAO!"
They get there and Jack is all "I have your toy! Ha ha ha!" to Mary and Mary's all "I'LL CUT A BITCH IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME MY TOY!"
So then Jack is all "you know, you're kinda hot for an alien lesbian, but you go bye bye now."
And he sends her to the sun. Tosh turns emo, bonds over emo-ness with Ianto, then smashes the necklace. Jack is all "hey, you're still lovable and pretty hot and I can't believe you're a lesbian and I never knew it!" Which makes Tosh feel tons better.
Episode 8
So the Torchwood team of incredible hotness...
...goes to a murder scene that has their name written on the wall in blood.
Jack: Well fuck me.
Back at the hub, they try to piece together the murders and they're all "HEY LET'S USE SUZIE'S CRAZY GLOVE!"
So Jack goes into his safe of magical things and pulls out the glove and Ianto's all "Risen Mitten" and Jack's like "ok I'll deal with that."
So Jack tries the glove first and has a spontaneous orgasm in the process.
But the guy is still dead. So Gwen tries and YAY it works. Dead dude mentions Suzie. They're all BUZZUH?!
So they go through Suzie's stuff and Jack finds a book of Emily Dickenson and Jack's all "HEY GUYS POETRY READING LATER IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM!"
They figure out that Suzie was involved in the cult that the dead people were in, so they're like great, time to bring Suzie back.
Gwen tries the glove but it doesn't work. Owen is all HEY get that knife and cut her or something!
Ianto: Life Knife. Jack: God that's sexy.
So Jack tries cutting her and there's no luck. So he's like "Ok." STABBITY!
And she's up and all WTF WHY AM I DEAD and Jack's like CRAZY BITCH YOU SHOT YOURSELF and Suzie's like ...oh yeah.
She tries to give them information but then Ianto's stopwatch of kinkiness is all time's up! And Gwen's like LET ME DO IT AGAIN! and Jack's all NO YOU CAN'T and Ianto is all ....um, she's still kickin.
And everyone is like WOT?!?!
So Jack is all HEY DEAD SUZIE WHAT'S UP?
And she tells them about the cult and some guy that she gave retcon to like once a week for two years that might have made him kill those peeps. So they go to a club to try and find him and after kicking the wrong guy's ass, they find the right one and lock him in the cell next to the Weevil.
Owen realizes that everytime he says Torchwood, dude flips out for like a minute or two. Jack is all o_O
Gwen, meanwhile, is chatting with dead!Suzie about her dad having cancer or some shit, so Gwen get's pissed off about it and storms into Jack's office. Where we get the most fantastic Jack!phrase of the season:
"I had a boyfriend who used to walk into rooms like that. Grand entrance. Got kind of boring. Though he was one of twins so I put up with it. Twin acrobats. Man, I gotta write that book. Maybe even illustrate it."
Please do Jack. Please do.
So then Owen calls Jack into the conference room and is like OMG SUZIE IS SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF GWEN! So while they're trying to figure out how to fix this, Gwen takes Suzie on a road trip. While they look for her to go hunt her down, the power goes out!!
Jack hollars for Ianto, who appears with a flashright at the ready...
So they try to figure out what the hell is going on and Ianto's all "HEY I have a phone working for you!" and Jack is all "omg I love you and your tech geekiness."
Jack calls up the police that were on the murder case and was all "HALP US WE HAVE TO READ POETRY!"
After the cops get a good laugh out of it, the team has their poetry reading in the hub. But that doesn't make the lights go back on. So Tosh was like TRY THE ISBN and it WORKS! Power is restored, and Jack and Owen fly down the interstate to catch up with Gwen and Suzie.
Those two, meanwhile, get to the hospital where Suzie's dad is, Gwen notices that she's bleeding from the back of her head and Suzie is all "oh yeah, you're slowly shooting yourself." Then pulls the plug on her dad and takes Gwen and drives her car out to God knows where.
Jack gets her on the phone by calling Gwen and is all BITCH GIVE HER BACK and Suzie's all NO SHE'S MINE!
Suzie takes her to get on a ferry (despite the fact that Gwen's going to be dead in like .2 seconds). Owen and Jack finally get there and Gwen falls dead and Owen turns emo and Jack is all DIE BITCH and shoots Suzie a lot and Suzie's all HA HA HA I CAN'T DIE NOW EITHER AS LONG AS THE GLOVE IS THERE! and Jack is all "oh fuck."
So Tosh and Ianto destroy the glove, Suzie finally dies, Gwen comes back to life, and Jack's all "ha ha you dead again bitch."
Back at the hub, Jack goes to check on Ianto who is doing the paperwork on Suzie and Ianto's all "By the way, I still have that stop watch." And Jack's all "ok?" and Ianto's all "Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch." And Jack is all "Oh yeah?!"
And Ianto smirks and Jack is all "My office. 10 minutes. With your pants down."
Episode 10
Again, I'm skipping Random Shoes cause it's 90% Gwen and kinda boring. So it's on to Out of Time
So we start out with Jack, Gwen, and Owen on a landing strip, watching a plane that's straight out of the 1940's land infront of them. The people come out of the plane, completely lost, and Jack is all HAY YOU LOOK LIKE ME!!!
So it turns out that these people (John, Diane, and Emma) are from the 1950's and got sucked into the rift, landing in 2007 Cardiff. They take them back to the hub and Gwen's all WTF do we do with them?
Jack: Well...we'll put them in a flat with a couple of homeless girls...
Give them new identities...
And send them on a shopping trip with Ianto, complete with porn, cigarettes, and bananas.
So John goes to find his son, Emma goes back to the flat and gets drunk off half a beer with the girls, and Diane goes to hang out with her plane. And Owen. Who she shows that it's still ok for blokes to be chivalrous. And then they have lots of sex.
Gwen then takes in Emma, telling Rhys she's a cousin, because John got all pissy that Emma drank half a beer.
Emma wakes up the next morning to see Rhys' naked ass, John eventually finds his son, Owen and Diane have a time out together, then Jack gets all emo that these people are never going to get back to their time.
So John gets all emo that his son is old and senile, comes back to the hub to thank Jack for everything, then takes Ianto's car all "hey imma go kill myself now."
Ianto finally notices this and calls down to Jack (instead of, you know, walking down there) and Jack is all "really, Ianto, you can just come downstairs if you want a snog," but Ianto's all "no really, John's got my car."
SO Jack trudges upstairs and sees that John is going to his old house and is like oh shit.
Jack runs out, but Ianto is right there to hand him his coat. They're like an old married couple...it's cute.
So John is half dead, but Jack saves him, and John is all I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR and Jack's all YES YOU DO and John's all NO REALLY I DON'T LET ME DIEEEE so Jack says okay and sits there, holding his hand, and lets him die. Which makes Jack emo cause he's all "I wish I could die like him."
In the meantime of all of this, Owen turns into a gentleman, takes Diane to the top of a parking garage where they dance and drink champagne, and then they have incredibly hot sex. Gwen teaches Emma all about sex in the 2000's, and Rhys then finds out that she's not really Gwen's cousin and he gets all pissy. Emma finds a job in London, and after Rhys gets pissy about Gwen lying to him, she finally lets Emma go to start a new life. Diane realizes that she would rather fly then be with Owen, which makes him very VERY pissy, but she flies off anyway.
And then there's a beautiful montage of all their memories with their new friends.
Episode 11
We start out with Jack running after a Weevil. But this isn't a normal Weevil. It's an asskicking Weevil. Which is exactly what this thing does, is kick Jack's ass.
Gwen and Rhys are out at dinner, trying to have a night to themselves, but Gwen is all spacey and Rhys gets pissy. That's when Gwen sees a Weevil running through the streets. Followed by an ass-kicked Jack. Jack is all "HAY I'm gonna borrow your girlfriend now. Kthnxbai."
So they run after the Weevil and chase him into a parking garage but before they can corner it, a white van pulls out of nowhere and swipes it up. Jack and Gwen are like o_O
Back at the hub, they're trying to figure out what's going on with the Weevil snatchers, and Jack keeps calling Owen all GET YOUR ASS TO WORK RIGHT NOW please?
Owen is out at a pub, meanwhile, all kinds of emo over Diane, and gets himself into a fight with some bloke who was mean to the bartender.
So then Jack and Ianto go downstairs to find the Weevil they have all locked up is howling and stuff. And Jack is all "awww poor baby are the big bad men hurting you?" and Ianto is all o_O
Finally on the CCTV they find the white van outside an abandoned werehouse, so Jack and Tosh go to investigate. They find a very much dead guy, but then his cell phone starts ringing. Instead of walking away, Jack answers it and this creepy ominous voice is all GTFO and Jack is all NO WAI IMMA KEEL YOU and voice is all FUCK YOU BUDDY and Jack is all RIGHT BACK AT YOU!
Back at the hub, Owen finally emerges to check out the dead guy. He's like "yep, definitely dead. Can I go back to drinking now?" and Gwen's all WHAT ABOUT THE GUY'S FAMILY and Jack's all "Owen, go with her."
So he does and the two get pissy with each other cause Gwen's all "No more shag for you" and Owen's all "FINE FUCK YOU TOO" and walks back to the hub.
He finally gets back and Jack's all o_O and Owen's all I HATE YOU ALL and Jack's like GOOD! You get to go undercover as a squid salesman!!
So Owen goes to meet this guy who they think is behind the Weevil captures, but he looks like he's been to the tanning bed too much and had one too many plastic surgeries. He's all I NEED SPACE and the dude is like WOW YOU'RE EMO and Owen is all I KNOW but give me that werehouse and Ken-doll is all ...maybe?
Back at the hub, they find out that another guy was attacked by a Weevil so Jack wants to go over to question him and Gwen's all I WANNA GO! But Jack's all Go home to your boyfriend. Mine is coming with me. And Ianto is all OMG I GET TO GO OUT YAY!
So Jack and Ianto go to question the guy and bond over snarkiness and grapes, and the dude is all I'm not telling and Jack is all I'll fuck your shit up!
So they go back to the hub to get Tosh and Jack is all "We're going to take Janet and plant her to see if she'll get captured" and Tosh and Ianto are like "...you named the Weevil Janet?"
Owen meanwhile goes to a pub with Ken-doll and bond over their love of kicking ass, so then he goes to Ken-doll's place and starts snooping around and finds a Weevil all chained up like a punching bag and Ken-doll is all HEY TRY THIS and Owen actually has a heart for a bit and is all OMG YOU'RE A SICK FUCK and Ken-doll is like Come on, let's go show off our testosterone.
Jack, Tosh, Ianto, and Janet go out and they plant Janet with a tracking device and start running around Cardiff keeping an eye on her. Just when she gets caught by the Weevil snatchers, they realize that she's lost her tracking device. So they're back to square one.
Meanwhile, Gwen goes home to Rhys but Rhys is all "I'm going out bye." So she goes and gets pizza and heads back to the hub, but there's noone there, so she cries alot. Then she hears a cell phone beeping, but it's not hers, it's the dead guy's. She looks and sees a text message with coordinates and she's like THAT MUST BE WHERE THEY'RE GOING so she calls Jack and is like GO HERE NOW and Jack's all "I thought I sent you home? But whatever, we're coming to get you then."
So Owen and Ken-doll get to the werehouse and Ken-doll is all YAY MANLINESS and then Owen sees that they're fighting Weevils for money or death and Owen's like "...Ya'll are fucked up." And Ken-doll is all "GET IN THERE NOW" and Owen's all "FUCK YOU" and Ken-doll is all "I'LL KILL YOU!" and Owen's all "...ok going."
He gets in the cage and is just about to get into the Weevil's head when the team comes in, guns blazing, and Jack is all GTFO!
Which distracts Owen and he almost gets his head torn off. Ken-doll then jumps in the cage and is all I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR and lets the Weevil kill him.
Jack visits Owen the next day and is like "I'll forgive you this time. I still like you. But you're so coming to work tomorrow."
Episode 12
The team gets a call about some strage music from the 40's that people are hearing inside of a building, so Jack and Tosh go to check it out.
They get in there and Jack tries dancing with Tosh but Tosh is like OMG MY LAPTOP
Since they don't find anything of interest, they turn to leave, but then they hear the music. As they walk back up the steps, they're suddenly sent back in time, where they find a bunch of soldiers dancing with their girls. It's now 1941 right in the middle of the Cardiff blitz and Jack is like OH MY GOD I'M HOOOOOME!
Meanwhile, Ianto is like "Honey? Where'd you go?" and Owen is all wuzzagoinon? So Ianto sends Gwen over to the building to find out why their comunicators aren't working.
Back in 1941, Jack is like "we need to blend in." And Tosh is all "okay, except for the fact that I'm JAPANESE and carrying a laptop!"
Tosh gets swept away to dance with a solider, who starts getting fresh with her, so Jack goes over and is all "MY WOMANZ" and the soldier is all "I SAW HER FIRST" and punches Jack. Jack is all "ok bad move buddy."
So just as they're about to get into a row, this American guy comes over and is all HEY THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN TIMES and Jack is all HAY YOU'RE HOT and the American dude is like "Hi, I'm Captain Jack Harkness" and EVERYONE is like WOT?!?!
So Ianto and Owen are like "ok, we need to try and do something with the rift to get them back," but the Ianto is like "...half the equation is missing" and they're both like "fuck."
So then they are looking through archives of the building and low and behold, they come across a picture of Jack and Tosh with some army guy. Owen and Ianto are like ....wot?!
Back in 1941, Tosh is like "WTF IS GOING ON" and Jack is all "I took his name. He dies tomorrow. But hey at least he's hot!"
So then they sneak into the manager's office to that Tosh can get the rest of the equation for the rift off of her laptop, but just as she's finishing it, the computer dies. Just in time for Bilis the manager to come in. And he's all "HEY I'm Bilis and I'm fabulous and creepy" and Jack is all "...you've out-gayed me. This is not good."
Back in the dance hall, our!Jack tells Tosh what's going to happen to real!Jack and gets all kinds of sad. So they go to talk to him and the soldiers and Tosh is like "Who understands geekery that wants to talk my ear off while I finish this equation" and some soldier is like OOOH ME! so they go off.
Then real!Jack's fuck buddy shows up and is all "HAY JACK" and real!Jack is all "can she join?" and our!Jack is all *grumblesuregrumble*
Back at the hub, Ianto comes across Bilis' name as the manager and Gwen's like "that can't be cause I just met him?" and Ianto is all "OMG GET OUT OF THERE!"
So Tosh finishes the equation and goes back to Bilis' office to take a picture of it and Bilis comes in and is like "CREEEEEEEEPY" and Tosh is all o_O *runs*
Owen meanwhile is like "Ok we're opening the rift the hard way" and Ianto is like "JACK WOULD NEVER ALLOW THIS" but in this really deep, sexy, angry voice. And Owen is all WHATEVER and realizes that a part is missing and he's like HEY I'm going to...help Gwen...yeah. I'll be back.
So real!Jack's fuck buddy is all "ok I'm going home have fun" and real!Jack is all "KTHNXBAI!" and our!Jack is like "GO KISS HER GOODBYE YOU FOOL"
So he does and she's all "OMG I LOVE YOU" and real!Jack goes to our!Jack and is like "YOU JUST MADE THINGS WORSE" and our!Jack is all "I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU HINTS THAT YOU'RE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW WITHOUT ACTUALLY TELLING YOU!"
Tosh finally finds a place to hide the equation so that the team back in 2007 will find it, but then she realizes that part of it was cut off. Gwen then finds the equation and reads it to Ianto and he's all "Nope, landed on a whammy. Try again." Just as Tosh is about to go back inside, there's BOMBS OVER BAHGDAD CARDIFF so she runs inside and Jack screams for her over the screams of everyone else and they go down to the bomb shelter. And Owen finally gets to the building and goes rumaging through Bilis' office to find the part for the rift.
Down in the bomb shelter, Tosh finds a seal-tight paint can, takes off the top, CUTS HER HAND OPEN WITH THE CAN, then uses the blood to write out the rest of the equation. Gwen eventually finds this as well, reads it to Ianto, but he's all "Strike two." And Gwen is all "SOMEONE SCRATCHED IT OUT OH NOES"
So our!Jack is watching Tosh do all this, but then real!Jack comes up behind up and starts talking about being scared but has to be strong for his men and such, but he's standing very. very. close. to our!Jack.
The air-raid is over, Bilis is all YAY PARTY! and the men are all "HEY CAPTAIN LETS DRINK" and real!Jack is like "I need to talk to fake!Jack first" and our!Jack is all "yeah I'm hot."
So our!Jack is like "srsly? Go bang your chick, you never know what's going to happen tomorrow" and real!Jack is all "...okay." And our!Jack turns emo.
So Owen finally finds the part and goes back to the rift machine and puts it in but it doesn't do what it's supposed to. So he ransacks Jack's office to find the blueprints and Ianto is all "JACK WOULD NOT APPROVE OF THIS" and Owen is all "BITE ME" and he finds the blueprints in Jack's safe of magical things.
He tries to make it work and Ianto is all "DON'T DO THIS" and Owen is all "FUCK YOU I'M BRINGING THEM BACK" so they wrestle each other to the ground, but Owen is obviously the winner since he's like part Weevil now or something.
our!Jack is now sitting in a corner crying to himself cause real!Jack went to bang his girl, but then he's back! And our!Jack is all "...wot?"
And real!Jack is all "You said live every moment like your last. But I want to do that here." and THEY HOLD HANDS!
But then some soldier is like "HAY I WANT TO BANG MY GIRL NOW" so they seperate quickly cause hi? It's 1941.
our!Jack is then watching real!Jack have drinks with his men and our!Jack smiles and is like "He'll be fine. He'll take care of his men."
Back in the hub, Owen is just about to figure things out when Ianto shows up with a gun and is like "I'll shoot you." and Owen's all "try it." and Ianto's all "NO REALLY I'LL SHOOT YOU" and Owen's all "THEN FUCKING SHOOT ME" and he makes the rift machine work and IANTO SHOOTS HIM OH MY GOD!
So our!Jack is now all emo again cause he's like "damnit real!Jack is going to die tomorrow." and Tosh tries to comfort him but it doesn't work. But then real!Jack and our!Jack catch eyes, and well...I'll let the pictures say the rest.
BUT THEN THE RIFT OPENS!!! Tosh is like "LET'S GO NOW!" and our!Jack is like "damnit" and starts walking towards the blue light but then is all "fuck this shit."
So they make it back to 2007 where Gwen is there and tackle!glomps Jack and he's all "Yay I'm home...but damnit I wish I could've stayed."
Back in the hub, Ianto and Owen kissed and made up, but Owen is still all "I brought them back" and Ianto is like "still needed to shoot you though."
But Jack doesn't pay any attention to this, because he's in his office having a toast with Tosh to the real Captain Jack Harkness and his men.
Episode 13
So we find Gwen in bed with Rhys, we get to see his naked ass again, and then Gwen turns on the TV to see THE WHOLE WORLD HAS GONE TO SHIT!!
In the hub, Jack is all "WAY TO GO OWEN THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT" and Owen is like "BUT I BROUGHT YOU ALL BACK!" and Jack is like "BUT MAYBE I DIDN'T WANT TO COME BACK!
So they get a call from one of Gwen's old cop buddies and is like get here now! Jack and Gwen go over there and finds a guy who looks like someone out of those Mastercard commercials. So Jack is all "I'm going to sedate him to get him back to the hub. If I'm not back in 5 minutes...just wait longer."
Meanwhile, Owen and Tosh go to the hospital cause there's some illness going around, but it just happens to be the black death! Owen is like GET EVERYONE OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW! They leave and Tosh turns around and sees her dead mum! (did anyone else know her mum was dead?) and she's all OPEN THE RIFT!! and we're all "WOT?"
Back in the hub, Ianto is dealing with the Weevils and Jack is all "that's hot."
So then Ianto turns around and sees Lisa! Who is all OPEN THE RIFT!!!
Owen comes back and is all BE A LEADER DAMNIT and Jack is all I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS CAUSE YOU FUCKED WITH THE RIFT!
And Owen is all FUCK YOU JACK and Jack is all FUCK YOU OWEN GTFO
So Owen leaves all emo cause he thinks he's going to be retconed.
Meanwhile, Jack and Gwen go to see Bilis in his shop of creepy clocks and Bilis is all "I'm still gay-er than you."
And Jack is all FUCK YOU BUDDY I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
Bilis then shows Gwen that Rhys is going to die and Gwen is like OMG WE NEED TO SAVE RHYS RIGHT NOW!! and Jack is all o_O
So Gwen runs to her flat and Rhys is still alive but she zaps him out to get him back to the hub to keep him safe.
Owen is at a bar drinking his sorrows away and Diane comes out of nowhere and is all OPEN THE RIFT DAMNIT!
Rhys wakes in the hub up all "WOT?!" and Gwen's like "I'm keeping you safe I promise BRB!!!" But then the power mysteriously goes out and Rhys takes that as the opportuned moment to step out of his cell. But then Bilis comes out of nowhere and is all STABBITY!
And Gwen finds him and lets out a scream of Darth Vader finding out about Padme proportions.
They all sit emo over his body and Gwen starts punching the hell out of Jack all OPEN THE RIFT YOU BASTARD!!!
So Owen comes back and is all HAY GUYS I'M BACK LETS OPEN THE RIFT and everyone, even Ianto, is like OKAY! and Jack's all "Oh fuck, I've got a mutany on my hands."
So they all take turns fighting over the computer like a bunch of five year olds and Jack is like I WILL KILL YOU ALL GET AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER
and they're all FUCK YOU JACK WE'RE OPENING THE RIFT and he's all HA HA HA YOU NEED MY EYES! OVER MY DEAD BODY!
And Owen is all "OKAY!" AND SHOOTS JACK DEAD! AND I MEAN REALLY, REALLY DEAD!
So they all scan their eyes, including dead Jack's, and they open the rift. But it also makes the hub go ESSPLODEY and Jack wakes up and is like OMG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!
So they get out of the hub (but not without Jack's coat!) and get outside and Bilis is like HA HA HA I'M GOING TO RULE THE UNIVERSE! PS Turn around.
And they find Abaddon! Aka The Devil! Which makes me confused cause I was like didn't the Doctor take care of him? But then I remember that it's way in the future that that happens. But then I'm like WAIT if he's there now how in the hell is in the future too?! And it all makes my head hurt so I'm going to stop and continue on with this narrative.
Anyway, if you get in Abaddon's shadow, you're dead. The end. So Jack is like "If he wants to feast on life? Then he can come after me cause I have ALL KINDS OF LIFE!"
So Abaddon comes over and sucks all of the life out of Jack.
And leaves him for dead.
But this time, he's really really REALLY dead.
So Gwen is all HE TOLD ME HE CAN'T DIE and the rest of them are like well, he is. And Gwen is all I don't believe it I want to sit here. So she sits there for a while (a few days) and everyone else goes about their business all emo like, and Ianto even picks up Jack's office and gives us the greatest impression of Brokeback Mountain ever.
Finally Gwen's all "okay you're really dead." But gives him once last kiss.
Which happens to be the thing that brings him back. And he's all "yeah I still got it, even when I'm dead."
So everyone is all YAY JACK and Tosh runs up to him and tackle!glomps him and Ianto's all "um hi?" and Jack's all COME HERE YOU!
And Owen is all "I'm so so so so so sorry" and Jack's like "It's ok. I forgive you. Till you fuck up the next time."
So Gwen is like "rift?" and Jack's like "it's closed. All better." And Gwen is all "So what would've tempted you to open it" and Jack says "The right kind of Doctor."
He gets up and like WTF BITCHES WHERE'S MY COFFEE and while he's walking over towards the entrance of the hub, the hand starts going crazy and papers start flying everywhere. And then there's an oh so familiar noise that comes from the outside and Jack is all "YAY TARDIS NOISE!!1!11one!!"
Then he disappears. Right infront of Gwen's eyes. The rest of them come back and are all "WOT?!?!"
*collaspes*
So where will the Adventures of Captain Jack Harkness take us now? Well, the only way to find out is to watch his episode Utopia tomorrow (TODAY OMG) on the BBC, then keep an eye out on your various doctor who/torchwood communities (or who_daily and torchwood_three /editor pimpage) for the continuation of the Adventures!!
Again, all caps came from the Institute. And if you've missed the previous parts, they're here: One (Empty Child/Doctor Dances), Two (Boom Town), Three (Bad Wolf/Parting of Ways), and Four (Torchwood Part 1 - Eps 1-6)
Thank you all again for the feedback, and enjoy the episode!!!