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and now for what you've all been waiting for...the Utopia version of the Adventures of Captain Jack Harkness!
LOTS of spoilers underneath...along with a few non-Jack shots (because they needed to be posted). there's also going to be references to some Lost deaths...so if you haven't seen the season 3 finale of Lost, tread lightly. i'll try to give a heads up ahead of time.
The Adventures of Captain Jack Harkness
Part 6 - Hi, Captain Jack Harkness.
When we last left Captain Jack, he got shot a few times, took on the Devil, lived to tell the tale, then went POOF whenever the Doctor's hand started glowing.
So the TARDIS lands in Cardiff, yet again, and Martha is all "WTF IS IN CARDIFF? Other than a team of sexiness living underneath the Millenium Centre that we don't know about?"
And the Doctor is all "a rift in Time and Space. Duh."
But unlike the last time, they don't have to stay long because the rift has been active. Which is all Owen's fault. Just as the TARDIS is almost done with it's charge, we see a paid of legs and a longcoat on the screen coming from around the corner.
Low and behold, it's Captain Jack Harkness!! Who's all ADRIAAAAAAN DOOOOCCCCCTTTTTOOOORRRRR!!!
The TARDIS is done, the Doctor is ready to go, then he see's Jack on the screen. Now, while all of us think this is going to warrant a YAY HE'S ALIVE reaction, it's more of a WTF HE'S ALIVE! The Doctor pulls a few levers and they start to take off.
But Jack isn't having that. He makes a leap of epic proportions...
And sticks himself to the outside of the TARDIS, which starts going beezerk and takes off, humorously trying to shake Jack off of her, while the Doctor and Martha are all WTF END OF THE UNIVERSE?!
But Jack is still all I HAS A TARDIS! and the TARDIS is like OMGWTF GET OFF ME!
Then we see these really ugly humans with really REALLY bad teeth and they're all "mmmmm dinner."
Now, normally I would just completely skip the credits and keep going, but....
OMG HIS NAME IS IN THE CREDITS!!1!11one!! I may have cried a bit. I'm just sayin.
ANYWAY we see the really bad teeth people, who look like Reevers (Reevers are the man eating things from Firefly), and I think I'm going to call them that for the duration. So the Reevers are chasing down this guy, who aparently doesn't have bad teeth, and are all "mmmmm lunch AND dinner."
Then there's some old guy who's like "ick" at the thought of humans eating humans, and some bug looking chick is all "Chan-want me to tell the guards-Tho?" and we're all WTF DID YOU JUST SAY?! and the old guy is like Na. Then we hear some ominous voice and he's all PROFESSOR YANA WTF ARE YOU DOING?! and Yana is all "...listening to the drums?"
So the TARDIS lands and the Doctor is like we really should go back. We really, really really should go back. But he's like OH HELL NO and runs outside...
Where Jack is lying dead. Martha is all I IS A DOCTOR I SAVE HIM and the Doctor is like "fuck, are you serious?"
And Martha is all "...?" and the Doctor is like "yeah, he's a friend." And Martha is all "Can you bit a LITTLE more sensitive then?"
And then Jack wakes up and scares the living hell out of Martha...
And Martha is all "wot?" and Jack is all "HAY PRETTY LADY I'M JACK!"
The Doctor is all *rolls eyes* and Martha is like "you're just jealous cause he's flirting with me and I'm giving him a reaction. The same reaction I'd give YOU if YOU ever flirted with me. But you'd never do that." *rolls eyes* And all the fangirls (and fanboys) are all YAY JACK'S BACK!!!
So Jack gets up and is all "Doctor."
And the Doctor is all "Captain."
And then they stand there and have a face of...litterally cause the Doctor is all "plastic surgery?" and Jack is all "Nope, but you have!" and the Doctor is like "yeah. Regeration" and Martha is all "WOT?!"
(here be the Lost reference....)
So then Jack is all "So. Canary Warf. Said that Rose is dead...trufax?" and Martha is all *eyeroll* at Rose and the Doctor is like "OH! No, she's alive. Her, Mickey, Jackie, Mr. Jackie, K-9, Sarah Jane, Boone, Ana Lucia, Libby, Mr. Eko, Nikki and Paulo, some of the Others, and Charlie. They're all living in a parallel universe, safe and sound."
And Jack is all YAY and Doctor is all YAY and they HUG YAY!
The Reevers? Still chasing dinner...
"So there I was in the year 200100, ankle deep in Dalek dust, when the Doctor over there decides he likes cute petite blondes rather than any-sexual Captains and leaves me stranded on the Game Station. BUT I have this cool wristband thing that lets me travel through time just like him!"
And the Doctor is all "Oh whatever. That's not time travel. That's like me having a Hummer and you have a Mo-ped." and Martha is all *snapsnapheadswerve* and Jack is all...
So it turns out that Jack TRIED to jump back to the 21st Century (because that's when it all changes...) but was off by a hundred something years and landed in 1869. So he had to relive the entire 20th century over again and Martha is all "that makes you over 100 years old?" and Jack's like "yep. Still hot too."
And the Doctor is all *rollseyes* I'm over 900 so there. Then Jack is like "So I based myself in Cardiff to wait and wait and wait, and in the meantime I opened up a branch of Torchwood, who btw hate you Doc, but then your hand started to glow...
"And here we are!" And Martha is all "But why did you leave him?" and the Doctor was all "I was busy..." and Martha is like "so I get tossed away too when you're 'busy'" and Jack is all "not if you're blonde..." Then the Doctor is all "HELLO WE'RE AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AND YOU TWO ARE TOO BUSY UPDATING YOUR LIVEJOURNALS AND MYSPACE BLOGS! Oi!" And Jack and Martha are all "..."
So they find the end of wherever they're walking to and they muse over lost city and the time that has taken it and that the stars are gone and blah blah blah and Jack is all "they must have some atmostpheric thingy cause we should all be frozen and shit." and the Doctor is all "Yeah, me and Martha maybe. But I'm not so sure about you..." and Jack is all OMG YOU KNOW
So then they see this guy running all OMG and the Reevers are all DINNER!! and Doctor's like "THE CHASE IS ON" and Jack is all "OMG I'VE MISSED THIS SO MUCH!!"
They run TOWARDS Dinner and Jack's all I SHOOT THE REEVERS!
But the Doctor is all "...no?" and Jack is like "DAMNIT you take the fun out of life" and shoots the air. So they try to run back to the TARDIS, but there's more Reevers and Dinner is all "GO THIS WAY! NON-REEVERS!" and they run again.
Once they get to this Siloh thing the guards are all SHOW US YOUR TEETH and Marth and Doctor are all "BUT WE'RE BRITISH!!" and Jack's all "NOT ME LOOKIT MY SHINY AMERICAN TEETH"
(ok, bad joke. don't kill me...)
So they get in and the guards make them go back but they're all "dinner?"
Ominous voice is all THERE'S A DOCTOR OF EVERYTHING HERE and Yana is all OMG YAY! So he runs after them. Meanwhile the Doctor is all OMGFINDMYBLUEBOX!
So they go down into some hallways where there's all kinds of more humans and the Doctor is all YAY THEY LIVED and Jack finds some cute boy and is all "Hi. Captain Jack Harkness."
And the Doctor is all SRSLY STOP! And Jack is all "you're just jealous that I'm not flirting with you. Again." So they open this door and it leads out to a giant rocketship and they're all "...woah."
So Yana finally catches up to them and is all YAY SMART PEOPLE and takes them to his lab. But then OH NOES THERE'S A REEVER INSIDE!
Once in the lab, Yana starts pulling the Doctor around and is speaking in geek and the bug lady is all "Chan-welcome-tho" and Martha is all "....wot? I mean...what is your name?" and she's all "Chan-Chantho-tho" and Jack is all "Hi. Captain Jack Harkness" and we're all GOD YOU'RE SUCH A WHORE WELCOME BACK!!!
So Jack walks away but his pack makes a noise and Martha is all "o_O" so she goes to it while Yana speaks in more geek to the Doctor and the Doctor is like "I have no fucking clue what you're talking about." Meanwhile, Martha is all "OMGWTFHANDINAJAR" and Jack's like "fuck, she found it."
And the Doctor is all OMG IT'S MY HAND! and Jack is all "Yep. It's my Doctor-dar. It's like gay-day, only more efficiant."
Chantho is all "Chan-what the hell-tho?" and Martha is all WTF YOU HAVE BOTH HANDS and Doctor is like "yeah. Lost my hand." and Martha is all "so you just grew one back?" and Doctor is all "YEP!" and Martha, Chantho, and Yana are all O.O
Yana is then like "human?" and Doctor is all "Nope. Time lord. Last of em." And Chantho is all "Chan-me too! I mean, last of my species. The conglomeration died-tho." and Doctor is all "YAY CONGLOMERATION" and Jack is like "wtf you're supposed to say sorry?"
So Jack is all "Reevers?" and Yana is like "nope, Future Kind." and I'm like "but Reevers is cooler. REEVERS FTW!" and Yana is all "We'll turn into them if we don't go to Utopia" and the Doctor is all "Utopia?" and Yana is all "EVERYONE knows of Utopia" and Doctor's like "I'm a hermit" and Yana is all "Hermit with friends?" and the Doctor is all "Hermits United. We meet up every 10 years, swap stories about caves. It's good fun, for a hermit." and we're all WITTY DOCTOR FTW!
Some computer, meanwhile, has been all COME TO UTOPIA which is why Yana has built all this stuff and Jack is all "dude you crazy."
But the Doctor is like "YOU'RE A GENUIS" and starts rambling but all Yana hears is DRUMS DRUMS DRUMS DRUMS and then like GTFO. But Doctor is all "NOPE you're stuck here. Here Jack, take my jacket..."
"...but my sonic screwdriver is going to make everything work YAY!!!" and Yana and Chantho are all YAY! then ominous voice is like EVERYONE ON THE ROCKET NOW" And everyone is running around tossing shit to each other to make the rocket work and then OH NOES THERE'S THE REEVER THAT'S INSIDE!
So then the Doctor and Yana bond over their smarts, and the Doctor is all "you're not going?" and Yana is like "no I'm old" then ominous voice is like WE FOUND YOUR BOX! and Doctor is all YAY WE CAN GET YOU OUT and Yana is all DRUMS DRUMS DRRRRRRUUUUMMMMSSSS
So then Martha and Chantho bond over their love of Doctors/Professors that don't notice them and Marth is all "what's with all the Chan-Tho" and Chantho is all "Chan-it would be swearing-tho" and Martha is all "do it without just once?" and she does and they giggle and it's cute.
Ominous voice...with a body...tried to talk to Yana but the screen keeps going out so Martha pushes the button (but won't be blowing shit up like another button pusher we all know and love...) and Ominous voice is all OKAY DUDE IS GOING IN TO PLAY WITH RADIATION NOW but then the Reever goes and BLOWS ALL THE SHIT UP and the radiation dude turns into Dalek dust.
Meanwhile, they're losing power because of this but Jack is like I'LL PUT THESE TWO THINGIES TOGETHER TO FIX IT!!
And they're all NO and Jack's like "TRUST ME I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" and zaps himself...
So Martha tries giving him CPR...
And the Doctor is all "Pretty much eminent death if you go in there now, yes?" and Yana's like "Yep." and the Doctor is all "Well. I know just the man to send in there..."
Then Jack wakes up all "OMG SOMEONE WAS KISSING ME!"
So the Doctor and Jack take off running down the hallway, and that's just a whole lot of sexy running right there...
(sorry, best picture I could find)
And then Jack starts taking off his clothes (well, only his shirt. This is a family show afterall...) and Doctor's all "normally I'd say okay...but WOT?!" and Jack's like "Hey at least I look hot."
Just before he goes into the chamber, he turns around and is all "How long have you known?"
And the Doctor is all "Ever since I ran away from you." And we're all ;________;
So Jack goes inside to pull up all these things to make the rocket work. Martha is all "He still alive?" and the Doctor is like "yep!" and Yana is like "WTF?!" and Martha's all "I dunno. Just met him. He traveled with the Doctor...he likes to travel through time and pick up stray dogs people to travel with him." And Yana is all DRRRUUUMMMMSSS!
The Doctor is all "How long have you known" and Jack's like "Since 1892. Got into a fight on Ellis Island, shot through the heart, survived."
"Thought that was weird. But then it kept on happening. Fell off a cliff, trampled by horses, WWI, WWII, posion, starvation, stray javelin..."
Doctor: "ooohh"
Jack: Just recently though I got shot a few times, zapped by a Cyberwoman...twice...shot a few more times, and took on the devil himself. I got the message in the end. But you knew all this time?
Doctor: Yep. Just looking at you is hard cause you're wrong...
Jack: Well thanks...
Doctor: What? It's instinct.
Jack: So you're saying your prejudice cause I'm gay can't die?"
Doctor: ...Never thought of it like that.
Jack: Shame on you...
Meanwhile, Martha hears all of this through the speakers and is like "...it takes Jack going into a room of radiation to get you two to talk? Men."
Then Jack is all "So there I was, three Daleks, death by extermination, then I came back to life..." and Yana is all DRUMS VOICES VOICES DRUMS and Jack is like "WTF HAPPENED" and the Doctor is just "Rose." And again, Martha is all *eyeroll* and Yana is all VOICES VOICES VOICES and then we get a ROSE FLASHBACK and all the Doctor/Rose shippers are like YAY!! And the Doctor is all "Yep, she brought you back forever" and Jack is like CHANGE BACK YES?!" and Doctor is all "nope, she's gone for forever" and Martha is like "shit, now I feel bad..."
Then Jack is like "I went back to watch her grow up" and we're all "YOU CAN GET BANNED FROM LJ FOR THAT" and Doctor is all "Do you want to die circle Y/N" and Jack is like "I DUNNO! But seeing this lot out here surviving is fantastic" And they exchange the CUTEST SMILES EVER AND MAKE FANDOM EXPLODE!!
And the Doctor is all "you might be out there somewhere" and Jack is all "I could meet myself!" and the Doctor is all "Well it's the only man you're ever going to be happy with." And he's all "been there, done that. See?"
And Yana is still all VOICES VOICES DRUMS VOICES and whips out this watch. And Martha is like "OMG THAT'S THE SAME WATCH THE DOCTOR HAD!" and Martha is like "OMG YOUR'RE A TIMELORD!"
So she takes off for the Doctor and is all OMG YOU'RE NOT THE LAST ONE and Jack is like OMG YAY YOU'RE NOT THE LAST ONE and the Doctor is like "...wot..." and we're all JACK WHEN DID YOU PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON?!?!
And Yana is all "Ooooooo shiny watch" VOICES VOICES DRUMS HAND GOES NUTS WATCH DRUMS HAND VOICES *flails*
And then we get the Face of Bo(e?) and "YOU ARE NOT ALONE" which spells out YANA and the Doctor is like OMG and the rocket takes off and Yana looked into the watch and is like OMG EVERYONE DIE and all the Reevers run in and we're all WHAT. THE . FUCK. and The Reevers are all BUFFET and Doctor is like SCREWDRIVER GO and Chantho is like IMMA SHOOT YOU NOW and Yana is all OMG DIE BY ELECTRICITY and Chantho is all "but Professor?!" and Yana is all "I'M THE MASTER!!"
AND FANDOM EXPLODES ALL OVER THE PLACE
The Reevers are still all FOOOOD and they finally get through the door but are then stuck at another door and the Doctor is all LET ME IN and Martha is all OMG WE'RE GOING TO DIE and Jack's like YOU MIGHT BUT I'M GONNA LIVE THROUGH THIS!!
And so Chantho comes to and picks up the gun thing and is all BANGZAP which kinda kills him but not really. So they finally get through the door but The Master gets in the TARDIS before the Doctor does and the Doctor is all OMG PLZ LET ME IN and Jack is like THE REEVERS STILL HAVEN'T HAD DINNER YET!!
And the Master is like I WANT TO BE YOUNG DAMNIT and he regenerates into...
John Simm!!
Who starts bouncing around all over the TARDIS (not to mention that the Doctor's hand is in their with him.) and Martha is like OMG I KNOW THAT VOICE and The Master is all "SAY MY NAME BITCH" and the Doctor is like "MASTER!" but that doesn't stop him and the Master takes off on the TARDIS and the Reevers are still all DINNER!!!!!!
Next week? We find out that SAXON IS THE MASTER OMG! Somehow they get back to the 21st Century. We don't know how exactly. But Saxon is making the world go to shit more or less.
So that's it for this episode of The Adventures of Captain Jack Harkness. Next week's Episode, The Sound of Drums should be up around the same time, if not on Tuesday (cause I'm going to try and go out on Wednesday.)
This round of pictures can be found here.
If you missed any of the previous episodes, go here, which is the tag with all five episodes.
LOTS of spoilers underneath...along with a few non-Jack shots (because they needed to be posted). there's also going to be references to some Lost deaths...so if you haven't seen the season 3 finale of Lost, tread lightly. i'll try to give a heads up ahead of time.
The Adventures of Captain Jack Harkness
Part 6 - Hi, Captain Jack Harkness.
When we last left Captain Jack, he got shot a few times, took on the Devil, lived to tell the tale, then went POOF whenever the Doctor's hand started glowing.
So the TARDIS lands in Cardiff, yet again, and Martha is all "WTF IS IN CARDIFF? Other than a team of sexiness living underneath the Millenium Centre that we don't know about?"
And the Doctor is all "a rift in Time and Space. Duh."
But unlike the last time, they don't have to stay long because the rift has been active. Which is all Owen's fault. Just as the TARDIS is almost done with it's charge, we see a paid of legs and a longcoat on the screen coming from around the corner.
Low and behold, it's Captain Jack Harkness!! Who's all ADRIAAAAAAN DOOOOCCCCCTTTTTOOOORRRRR!!!
The TARDIS is done, the Doctor is ready to go, then he see's Jack on the screen. Now, while all of us think this is going to warrant a YAY HE'S ALIVE reaction, it's more of a WTF HE'S ALIVE! The Doctor pulls a few levers and they start to take off.
But Jack isn't having that. He makes a leap of epic proportions...
And sticks himself to the outside of the TARDIS, which starts going beezerk and takes off, humorously trying to shake Jack off of her, while the Doctor and Martha are all WTF END OF THE UNIVERSE?!
But Jack is still all I HAS A TARDIS! and the TARDIS is like OMGWTF GET OFF ME!
Then we see these really ugly humans with really REALLY bad teeth and they're all "mmmmm dinner."
Now, normally I would just completely skip the credits and keep going, but....
OMG HIS NAME IS IN THE CREDITS!!1!11one!! I may have cried a bit. I'm just sayin.
ANYWAY we see the really bad teeth people, who look like Reevers (Reevers are the man eating things from Firefly), and I think I'm going to call them that for the duration. So the Reevers are chasing down this guy, who aparently doesn't have bad teeth, and are all "mmmmm lunch AND dinner."
Then there's some old guy who's like "ick" at the thought of humans eating humans, and some bug looking chick is all "Chan-want me to tell the guards-Tho?" and we're all WTF DID YOU JUST SAY?! and the old guy is like Na. Then we hear some ominous voice and he's all PROFESSOR YANA WTF ARE YOU DOING?! and Yana is all "...listening to the drums?"
So the TARDIS lands and the Doctor is like we really should go back. We really, really really should go back. But he's like OH HELL NO and runs outside...
Where Jack is lying dead. Martha is all I IS A DOCTOR I SAVE HIM and the Doctor is like "fuck, are you serious?"
And Martha is all "...?" and the Doctor is like "yeah, he's a friend." And Martha is all "Can you bit a LITTLE more sensitive then?"
And then Jack wakes up and scares the living hell out of Martha...
And Martha is all "wot?" and Jack is all "HAY PRETTY LADY I'M JACK!"
The Doctor is all *rolls eyes* and Martha is like "you're just jealous cause he's flirting with me and I'm giving him a reaction. The same reaction I'd give YOU if YOU ever flirted with me. But you'd never do that." *rolls eyes* And all the fangirls (and fanboys) are all YAY JACK'S BACK!!!
So Jack gets up and is all "Doctor."
And the Doctor is all "Captain."
And then they stand there and have a face of...litterally cause the Doctor is all "plastic surgery?" and Jack is all "Nope, but you have!" and the Doctor is like "yeah. Regeration" and Martha is all "WOT?!"
(here be the Lost reference....)
So then Jack is all "So. Canary Warf. Said that Rose is dead...trufax?" and Martha is all *eyeroll* at Rose and the Doctor is like "OH! No, she's alive. Her, Mickey, Jackie, Mr. Jackie, K-9, Sarah Jane, Boone, Ana Lucia, Libby, Mr. Eko, Nikki and Paulo, some of the Others, and Charlie. They're all living in a parallel universe, safe and sound."
And Jack is all YAY and Doctor is all YAY and they HUG YAY!
The Reevers? Still chasing dinner...
"So there I was in the year 200100, ankle deep in Dalek dust, when the Doctor over there decides he likes cute petite blondes rather than any-sexual Captains and leaves me stranded on the Game Station. BUT I have this cool wristband thing that lets me travel through time just like him!"
And the Doctor is all "Oh whatever. That's not time travel. That's like me having a Hummer and you have a Mo-ped." and Martha is all *snapsnapheadswerve* and Jack is all...
So it turns out that Jack TRIED to jump back to the 21st Century (because that's when it all changes...) but was off by a hundred something years and landed in 1869. So he had to relive the entire 20th century over again and Martha is all "that makes you over 100 years old?" and Jack's like "yep. Still hot too."
And the Doctor is all *rollseyes* I'm over 900 so there. Then Jack is like "So I based myself in Cardiff to wait and wait and wait, and in the meantime I opened up a branch of Torchwood, who btw hate you Doc, but then your hand started to glow...
"And here we are!" And Martha is all "But why did you leave him?" and the Doctor was all "I was busy..." and Martha is like "so I get tossed away too when you're 'busy'" and Jack is all "not if you're blonde..." Then the Doctor is all "HELLO WE'RE AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AND YOU TWO ARE TOO BUSY UPDATING YOUR LIVEJOURNALS AND MYSPACE BLOGS! Oi!" And Jack and Martha are all "..."
So they find the end of wherever they're walking to and they muse over lost city and the time that has taken it and that the stars are gone and blah blah blah and Jack is all "they must have some atmostpheric thingy cause we should all be frozen and shit." and the Doctor is all "Yeah, me and Martha maybe. But I'm not so sure about you..." and Jack is all OMG YOU KNOW
So then they see this guy running all OMG and the Reevers are all DINNER!! and Doctor's like "THE CHASE IS ON" and Jack is all "OMG I'VE MISSED THIS SO MUCH!!"
They run TOWARDS Dinner and Jack's all I SHOOT THE REEVERS!
But the Doctor is all "...no?" and Jack is like "DAMNIT you take the fun out of life" and shoots the air. So they try to run back to the TARDIS, but there's more Reevers and Dinner is all "GO THIS WAY! NON-REEVERS!" and they run again.
Once they get to this Siloh thing the guards are all SHOW US YOUR TEETH and Marth and Doctor are all "BUT WE'RE BRITISH!!" and Jack's all "NOT ME LOOKIT MY SHINY AMERICAN TEETH"
(ok, bad joke. don't kill me...)
So they get in and the guards make them go back but they're all "dinner?"
Ominous voice is all THERE'S A DOCTOR OF EVERYTHING HERE and Yana is all OMG YAY! So he runs after them. Meanwhile the Doctor is all OMGFINDMYBLUEBOX!
So they go down into some hallways where there's all kinds of more humans and the Doctor is all YAY THEY LIVED and Jack finds some cute boy and is all "Hi. Captain Jack Harkness."
And the Doctor is all SRSLY STOP! And Jack is all "you're just jealous that I'm not flirting with you. Again." So they open this door and it leads out to a giant rocketship and they're all "...woah."
So Yana finally catches up to them and is all YAY SMART PEOPLE and takes them to his lab. But then OH NOES THERE'S A REEVER INSIDE!
Once in the lab, Yana starts pulling the Doctor around and is speaking in geek and the bug lady is all "Chan-welcome-tho" and Martha is all "....wot? I mean...what is your name?" and she's all "Chan-Chantho-tho" and Jack is all "Hi. Captain Jack Harkness" and we're all GOD YOU'RE SUCH A WHORE WELCOME BACK!!!
So Jack walks away but his pack makes a noise and Martha is all "o_O" so she goes to it while Yana speaks in more geek to the Doctor and the Doctor is like "I have no fucking clue what you're talking about." Meanwhile, Martha is all "OMGWTFHANDINAJAR" and Jack's like "fuck, she found it."
And the Doctor is all OMG IT'S MY HAND! and Jack is all "Yep. It's my Doctor-dar. It's like gay-day, only more efficiant."
Chantho is all "Chan-what the hell-tho?" and Martha is all WTF YOU HAVE BOTH HANDS and Doctor is like "yeah. Lost my hand." and Martha is all "so you just grew one back?" and Doctor is all "YEP!" and Martha, Chantho, and Yana are all O.O
Yana is then like "human?" and Doctor is all "Nope. Time lord. Last of em." And Chantho is all "Chan-me too! I mean, last of my species. The conglomeration died-tho." and Doctor is all "YAY CONGLOMERATION" and Jack is like "wtf you're supposed to say sorry?"
So Jack is all "Reevers?" and Yana is like "nope, Future Kind." and I'm like "but Reevers is cooler. REEVERS FTW!" and Yana is all "We'll turn into them if we don't go to Utopia" and the Doctor is all "Utopia?" and Yana is all "EVERYONE knows of Utopia" and Doctor's like "I'm a hermit" and Yana is all "Hermit with friends?" and the Doctor is all "Hermits United. We meet up every 10 years, swap stories about caves. It's good fun, for a hermit." and we're all WITTY DOCTOR FTW!
Some computer, meanwhile, has been all COME TO UTOPIA which is why Yana has built all this stuff and Jack is all "dude you crazy."
But the Doctor is like "YOU'RE A GENUIS" and starts rambling but all Yana hears is DRUMS DRUMS DRUMS DRUMS and then like GTFO. But Doctor is all "NOPE you're stuck here. Here Jack, take my jacket..."
"...but my sonic screwdriver is going to make everything work YAY!!!" and Yana and Chantho are all YAY! then ominous voice is like EVERYONE ON THE ROCKET NOW" And everyone is running around tossing shit to each other to make the rocket work and then OH NOES THERE'S THE REEVER THAT'S INSIDE!
So then the Doctor and Yana bond over their smarts, and the Doctor is all "you're not going?" and Yana is like "no I'm old" then ominous voice is like WE FOUND YOUR BOX! and Doctor is all YAY WE CAN GET YOU OUT and Yana is all DRUMS DRUMS DRRRRRRUUUUMMMMSSSS
So then Martha and Chantho bond over their love of Doctors/Professors that don't notice them and Marth is all "what's with all the Chan-Tho" and Chantho is all "Chan-it would be swearing-tho" and Martha is all "do it without just once?" and she does and they giggle and it's cute.
Ominous voice...with a body...tried to talk to Yana but the screen keeps going out so Martha pushes the button (but won't be blowing shit up like another button pusher we all know and love...) and Ominous voice is all OKAY DUDE IS GOING IN TO PLAY WITH RADIATION NOW but then the Reever goes and BLOWS ALL THE SHIT UP and the radiation dude turns into Dalek dust.
Meanwhile, they're losing power because of this but Jack is like I'LL PUT THESE TWO THINGIES TOGETHER TO FIX IT!!
And they're all NO and Jack's like "TRUST ME I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" and zaps himself...
So Martha tries giving him CPR...
And the Doctor is all "Pretty much eminent death if you go in there now, yes?" and Yana's like "Yep." and the Doctor is all "Well. I know just the man to send in there..."
Then Jack wakes up all "OMG SOMEONE WAS KISSING ME!"
So the Doctor and Jack take off running down the hallway, and that's just a whole lot of sexy running right there...
(sorry, best picture I could find)
And then Jack starts taking off his clothes (well, only his shirt. This is a family show afterall...) and Doctor's all "normally I'd say okay...but WOT?!" and Jack's like "Hey at least I look hot."
Just before he goes into the chamber, he turns around and is all "How long have you known?"
And the Doctor is all "Ever since I ran away from you." And we're all ;________;
So Jack goes inside to pull up all these things to make the rocket work. Martha is all "He still alive?" and the Doctor is like "yep!" and Yana is like "WTF?!" and Martha's all "I dunno. Just met him. He traveled with the Doctor...he likes to travel through time and pick up stray dogs people to travel with him." And Yana is all DRRRUUUMMMMSSS!
The Doctor is all "How long have you known" and Jack's like "Since 1892. Got into a fight on Ellis Island, shot through the heart, survived."
"Thought that was weird. But then it kept on happening. Fell off a cliff, trampled by horses, WWI, WWII, posion, starvation, stray javelin..."
Doctor: "ooohh"
Jack: Just recently though I got shot a few times, zapped by a Cyberwoman...twice...shot a few more times, and took on the devil himself. I got the message in the end. But you knew all this time?
Doctor: Yep. Just looking at you is hard cause you're wrong...
Jack: Well thanks...
Doctor: What? It's instinct.
Jack: So you're saying your prejudice cause I'm gay can't die?"
Doctor: ...Never thought of it like that.
Jack: Shame on you...
Meanwhile, Martha hears all of this through the speakers and is like "...it takes Jack going into a room of radiation to get you two to talk? Men."
Then Jack is all "So there I was, three Daleks, death by extermination, then I came back to life..." and Yana is all DRUMS VOICES VOICES DRUMS and Jack is like "WTF HAPPENED" and the Doctor is just "Rose." And again, Martha is all *eyeroll* and Yana is all VOICES VOICES VOICES and then we get a ROSE FLASHBACK and all the Doctor/Rose shippers are like YAY!! And the Doctor is all "Yep, she brought you back forever" and Jack is like CHANGE BACK YES?!" and Doctor is all "nope, she's gone for forever" and Martha is like "shit, now I feel bad..."
Then Jack is like "I went back to watch her grow up" and we're all "YOU CAN GET BANNED FROM LJ FOR THAT" and Doctor is all "Do you want to die circle Y/N" and Jack is like "I DUNNO! But seeing this lot out here surviving is fantastic" And they exchange the CUTEST SMILES EVER AND MAKE FANDOM EXPLODE!!
And the Doctor is all "you might be out there somewhere" and Jack is all "I could meet myself!" and the Doctor is all "Well it's the only man you're ever going to be happy with." And he's all "been there, done that. See?"
And Yana is still all VOICES VOICES DRUMS VOICES and whips out this watch. And Martha is like "OMG THAT'S THE SAME WATCH THE DOCTOR HAD!" and Martha is like "OMG YOUR'RE A TIMELORD!"
So she takes off for the Doctor and is all OMG YOU'RE NOT THE LAST ONE and Jack is like OMG YAY YOU'RE NOT THE LAST ONE and the Doctor is like "...wot..." and we're all JACK WHEN DID YOU PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON?!?!
And Yana is all "Ooooooo shiny watch" VOICES VOICES DRUMS HAND GOES NUTS WATCH DRUMS HAND VOICES *flails*
And then we get the Face of Bo(e?) and "YOU ARE NOT ALONE" which spells out YANA and the Doctor is like OMG and the rocket takes off and Yana looked into the watch and is like OMG EVERYONE DIE and all the Reevers run in and we're all WHAT. THE . FUCK. and The Reevers are all BUFFET and Doctor is like SCREWDRIVER GO and Chantho is like IMMA SHOOT YOU NOW and Yana is all OMG DIE BY ELECTRICITY and Chantho is all "but Professor?!" and Yana is all "I'M THE MASTER!!"
AND FANDOM EXPLODES ALL OVER THE PLACE
The Reevers are still all FOOOOD and they finally get through the door but are then stuck at another door and the Doctor is all LET ME IN and Martha is all OMG WE'RE GOING TO DIE and Jack's like YOU MIGHT BUT I'M GONNA LIVE THROUGH THIS!!
And so Chantho comes to and picks up the gun thing and is all BANGZAP which kinda kills him but not really. So they finally get through the door but The Master gets in the TARDIS before the Doctor does and the Doctor is all OMG PLZ LET ME IN and Jack is like THE REEVERS STILL HAVEN'T HAD DINNER YET!!
And the Master is like I WANT TO BE YOUNG DAMNIT and he regenerates into...
John Simm!!
Who starts bouncing around all over the TARDIS (not to mention that the Doctor's hand is in their with him.) and Martha is like OMG I KNOW THAT VOICE and The Master is all "SAY MY NAME BITCH" and the Doctor is like "MASTER!" but that doesn't stop him and the Master takes off on the TARDIS and the Reevers are still all DINNER!!!!!!
Next week? We find out that SAXON IS THE MASTER OMG! Somehow they get back to the 21st Century. We don't know how exactly. But Saxon is making the world go to shit more or less.
So that's it for this episode of The Adventures of Captain Jack Harkness. Next week's Episode, The Sound of Drums should be up around the same time, if not on Tuesday (cause I'm going to try and go out on Wednesday.)
This round of pictures can be found here.
If you missed any of the previous episodes, go here, which is the tag with all five episodes.