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first off, huge shout outs to bunchoflemons and cupati who reminded me where the gallery of all these torchwood caps were. thanks a bunch!
i need to learn to bookmark things when i find them.
so anyway. it's time for the Torchwood segment of our program. note: today is going to be episodes 1-6, and tomorrow will be 7-13 (with the exception of episode 9 - Random Shoes. i'm not doing that one, cause it was Torchwood lite and really kinda pointless.) this will be interesting in itself. and will probably break your dialup.
The Adventures of Captain Jack Harkness
Part 4 - CSI Cardiff part 1
So the last time we saw Captain Jack Harkness was on the game station. He was very much dead, but thanks to Rose's glowy powers of awesome, he was brought back to life. But was then stuck on the game station when the TARDIS left without him. Everyone was all "OMGWTFPOLARBEARBBQ JACK!!!"
Flash forward two years later (only a year for us, but two years Torchwood time). It's raining, there's police officers everywhere, but they aren't doing anything besides drinking coffee and getting very wet. We can tell by the gratuitous overhead shots (and the accents) that they're in Cardiff. Fun!
So there's a man dead, but the people aren't doing anything to them, and this chick is all "why?" and they're all "because we suck. thanks for reminding us." then a whole bunch of pretty people push through and start working on the dead guy, but the chick can't see anything. So she runs up the parking garage to get a better look.
And suddenly...
IT'S JACK! Who is off of the game station! And very wet! And talking about contraseptives in the rain. "I love this planet." Everyone is all "WTF YOU WERE ON THE GAME STATION" and Jack is all "teehee!"
So they aren't really working on this bloke, but rather using some glove that BRINGS HIM BACK TO LIFE WTF IS THIS SHOW?! but he only stays alive for a bit, then falls dead again. and we're all wtf? And Jack's all, "I have no idea either. Hey girl watching us from the garage! What do you think?"
We find out that this girl's name is Gwen, she's a Police Officer, has a big gap in her teeth a boyfriend, and a sudden interest in this Captain Jack Harkness guy. She asks someone in the station to get a check on him, and while they do she's running around doing cop stuff. She gets tossed trying to break up a bar fight and has to go to the hospital for stitches in the back of her head. While she's leaving, she sees a bloke in a 1941-looking coat running up the steps.
So she runs after him. But the top is sealed off. She goes in anyway cause she's all "HAY I'M A COP!" and then there's this really REALLY ugly...thing...standing there. She's like "oooh pretty makeup!" and the Janitor that follows her is like "ooooh pretty makeup!" and tries to touch it, only to get his head ripped off by the thing's teeth.
But out of nowhere, Jack to save the day! And he's all "GTFO NAO!"
Gwen finally gets the low down on Jack. Finds out that he DOESN'T EXIST CAUSE HE'S DEAD! and we're all ....wot?
So after much following and pondering and police work, she gets some pizzas to have them delivered to Torchwood. Really, who orders pizza under Torchwood?
When she gets there, it's all kinds of tech'd out and geek like, and the Doctor would have a FIELD DAY in this place. We get a shot of a HAND IN A JAR WHAT?! Fandom: *in singsong voices* We know who's hand that is!!
We see Jack sitting at his desk, doing some paper work. Spot the Doctor Who references!
And it turns out that this is all a joke just to get Gwen into the hub so she'll stop stalking them. Jack is all "HAY WOMANZ! Come check out my Weevil!"
He introduces us then to the team. Tosh (computer geek), Owen (That's Dr. Owen Harper), Suzie (who has a glove fetish) and Ianto, who looks good in a suit (That's harassment sir!) He then takes Gwen out for a drink. She's all "WTF Aliens aren't real!" which makes Jack v.v. annoyed.
He finally convinces her, but slipped her a little retcon so she wouldn't remember anything. But she goes home and tries to be all sneaky and write everything down before falling asleep thanks to the seditive, but Ianto is one step ahead of her and deletes all of her compuer oh noes!
Oh. Jack also likes to stand ontop of buildings all "I'm King of the World" like.
So she wakes up, completely clueless, but then sees that she wrote "Remember" on a brochure about the Millenium Centre. So she goes back to find Suzie being all kinds of emo, whips out a gun and is like "I needed bodies for the glove! I kill you now!"
But before she kills him, she realizes that Jack is standing on the invisible lift and SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD! WTF JACK IS DEAD AGAIN AND IT'S ONLY THE FIRST EPISODE!
Just as Suzie is about to kill Gwen, JACK WAKES UP AND HEALS HIMSELF WHAAAAAT?
So Suzie kills herself. Jack is all "hey want to work for us? We have an opening now" to Gwen and Gwen is all "duh. But why the fuck are you still alive?"
And then Jack tells us he can't die. That someone saved him a long time ago and ever since he can't die. And he needs the right sort of Doctor to sort it all out. This makes him very emo.
(WTF BBC3?!)
Episode 2
So the next day Gwen goes bowling with her boyfriend, then out to dinner, only to see this giant flaming rock thing pumulting towards Cardiff. Everyone's all THE SKY IS FALLING and Gwen gets a text message that's all OMG WORK RIGHT NOW!
The torchwood team picks her up, they snark in the car, then go to where the flaming rock landed. Gwen tries to push her way through all "hey look at me I'm important!" but the army guys are all "HA HA HA" but then Jack is like "Hey, you're hot and all, but she really is with me."
So they start chipping away at the rock, but then Gwen tries to toss something to Owen and it puts a bit ol' whole in the rock and purple gas comes spewing out. Which goes and takes over a body of a girl outside of a club. Which makes her VERY horny, because she takes a bloke into the bathroom, sexes him, but as he finishes he turns to dust. WOT?
Back at the Hub, Gwen is all JESUS I'M SORRY ALRIGHT and Jack is like "it's ok, I'll still flirt with you for a few more episodes."
So they go to the club to investigate, they watch the video of the sexin, then Jack and Gwen go outside to try and find other clues.
(This cap is here for no other reason then the FEET IN THE BACKGROUND WOT?!)
Back in the hub, they muse over what's going on, they find the girl who sexed and ran. But before they go, Jack is like COFFEE FIRST GTFO
They go to the girl's house, guns a blazin...
...then take her back to the Hub to be locked up till they figure out what's going on. The girl starts having fits, so Gwen goes in to comfort her, but the girl is all IT IS CAN BE SEX TIEM NAO and starts kissing her. Gwen doesn't object. Jack, Owen, and Tosh are like O.O
And what better way to celebrate Gwen getting her mack on with an alien then...having Chinese!
Jack gets up to go to the bathroom and Owen and Tosh are like "Ok so is he gay?" and Gwen's all "WOT?" and Owen is all "1941 clothing is so not the clothes of a straight man." and Tosh is all "I think it's hot." and Ianto is all "ME TOO!"
So Jack comes back and starts babbling alien babble, and Gwen is all "WHY DO WE NOT CARE ABOUT THE GIRL" and Jack is all "down kitty! Prove us wrong."
So Gwen digs up all this information on the girl to show Jack that she has a heart and Jack is all "ok I'm impressed. I'll keep flirting with you."
But then the girl gets out of her cell because Owen is also a horny bastard, so Jack and the girl have a...sword fight?
(Seriously BBC2, I hope you aren't as obnoxious with the watermarks as BBC3 is)
The girl tries to run but takes the hand with her! Jack is more worried about her hurting the hand then anything else. But she tosses it to the ground and Jack is all ;___;
He fixes the hand, the girl escapes, and Owen figures out that she's going to turn into rat jam if they don't find her. So they first go to her ex-boyfriend's house. Already dead. Owen's like "...Sperm bank?" and it turns out she's been there too. Lots of guys dead, even the gay ones. But they finally corner her, and Jack is all "hey I'll give you all kinds of good lovin'" and kisses her...
Which aparently makes Gwen jealous because then she kisses him...
Which makes Jack all ...
Episode 3
Next time we find Gwen and Owen (and eventually Jack) chasing a kid through Cardiff who aparently has some thing that makes you see ghosts. I want one!
Back at the hub, Jack is all "NO TOUCHY! Go find the dude that Gwen saw!"
So Gwen and Owen go see the little ghost kid who is now a big non-ghost adult to find out his story. When they come back, Jack has changed outfits...
And is all go find that other kid! Knock on doors if you have to!
So Gwen, Owen, and Tosh prance around Cardiff looking for the kid who had the ghost machine. After no luck, they take a break to eat something and Jack is all "SLACKERS!"
While walking under a bridge, the ghost machine starts going crazy and Owen sees some ghosts.
Back at the Hub, Owen is all emo over what he saw, and Jack is not amused.
He's all "EVERYONE GO HOME RIGHT NOW! EXCEPT GWEN, WHO GETS TO PLAY WITH MY GUNS! AND IANTO, WHO GETS TO PLAY WITH MY OTHER GUNS!"
Jack then teaches Gwen how to fire a gun (since she aparently didn't learn that in the Academy.) Which turns into the most sexually frustrating scene EVER.
Fandom: *dies* Jack: that was hot.
Gwen takes the ghost machine home (bad Gwen) and sees all of her happy memories with Rhys, which makes her sad and appriciate her boyfriend more.
Owen meanwhile drinks himself silly over the guy he saw in his vision thing, finds him, and calls him out on killing the girl. And then everyone is surprised that he walks out of there alive. But then he finds the kid with the ghost maching, chases him through Cardiff (again), but this time he catches him and takes him...to a pub? Wot? The rest of the Torchwood crew meets them and the kid says "hey I have the other piece!" and they're all "WOT?!"
So they get the other piece but then Gwen accidently puts the two together and Jack is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
And she sees herself with blood all over her hands.
That night, Gwen goes back to the kid's place, who is freaked out that he's going to die and gets a weird phone call which makes him flip out even more. He goes outside to find the dude that killed the girl in all his crazy with a knife! Owen and Jack get there just before the dude kills the kid (who saw the same thing Owen did and aparently blackmailed the guy) but then Owen wants to kill the dude and Jack is all WTF I'M SO CONFUSED!!
Gwen stops him, takes the knife, the dude is like OMG THANK YOU and goes to hug her but OOPS the knife is held in the direction of the dude's stomach! It kills him, Gwen has blood all over her hands, and Jack's all "this ghost machine is dangerous. So I gives it to Ianto"
Then Jack and Gwen watch the sun rise.
Episode 4
There are three main themes to this episode. Ianto has a Cyberwoman in the basement, Jack gets really pissed off. Ianto cries alot. So here we go...
We find Jack playing basketball with the gang. "Hey I'm athletic!"
Once they're done, they decide to go have a drink, leaving Ianto with creepy Japanese guy to deal with Ianto's half cyberman girlfriend in the basement. Fandom: WOT? But we're then distracted by the massive amounts of pretty and forget all about it.
When they get back, Jack begs for coffee
But then the power goes all kinds of crazy and Jack is all WTF IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE?!
Ianto goes to "fix it" and finds creepy Japanese guy with a giant bolt in his eye and very much dead. Ianto hides the body and fixes the lights. But then it starts again, and Gwen and Owen go to look. And they find Lisa's bed.
Jack goes down behind them (while Gwen is about to become a cyberman herself) and is all WTF WHY IS THERE A CYBERWOMAN IN MY BASEMENT?!
Ianto slams him against the wall to keep him from shooting Lisa and Jack is all "NOT NOW IANTO THERE'S A CYBERWOMAN IN MY BASEMENT!"
But then puts two and two together, shuts down the entire hub, then drags Ianto upstairs and is like "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A CYBERWOMAN IN MY BASEMENT?!"
Ianto's all "BUT I LOVE HER" and Jack's all "STFU YOU LOVE ME" so they all run off to come up with a plan to get out. But then Lisa comes out all "HEY I'M OUT OF YOUR BASEMENT!" and Ianto is all "LISA I LOVE YOU STOP THIS" so she Akon WWE-style tosses him across the room and Jack is all "OMG!"
So Jack is all "ONLY I CAN HURT IANTO RIGHT NOW" and Lisa is all "STFU" and Jack's all "ZAP ME THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS!"
And of course he lives. Then she zaps him again. And he just barely lives again. Then crawls over to Ianto who's all kinds of passed out and looking pretty dead. But Jack is like "Oh hell no." And gives him the kiss of life.
And thus begins the reign of the Jack/Ianto fangirls (completely guilty.)
Btw, at the same time? Gwen and Owen are making out. While Tosh finally gets things running enough to get them out via invisible lift. Poor Tosh.
So Jack is all "HEY LISA IT'S FEEDING TIME" and sprays BBQ sauce all over her and everyone is like WOT?!
Myfawny comes down and there's a battle between cyberwoman and dinosaur which is complete cheese but whatever. They escape through the invisible lift. Tosh runs up to them all YAYS but Ianto is all FUCK YOU JACK and punches him. Jack is all "...baby why'd you punch me?"
So Ianto runs back in to try and save Lisa from Myfawny and Jack is all "Ok look. If you ever think I'm even going to THINK about shagging you EVER? You're going to go kill that bitch."
So Ianto goes back into the basement to find Lisa very much dead. But she's also still alive! She took the pizza delivery girl, cut her head open and put her brain into the other girl's and stitched it back up, all before Ianto could make it down there. She's all "LOOK I'M HUMAN AGAIN" and Ianto's all "STFU YOU'RE NOT LISA" and tries to kill her but can't.
But then the team comes down and is all BANG BANG BANG and look really hot doing it.
We then see Jack and Gwen looking over Ianto, who's cleaning up the hub. He looks at Jack like "Ok I'm really sorry." and Jack looks at him like "Ok I'll forgive you this time. We'll make out later."
Episode 5
Fairies? Are you serious?
We find Jack in his bed (mmm) having dreams (about the Doctor) (about Ianto) about when he was in the service (in 1941?) and his team with...roses in their mouths? Wot?
He wakes up and finds Ianto still in the Hub and is all "Hey I forgive you now, snog later?"
So Jack hears all about this Fairy talk and is all "YAY FAIRIES" and Gwen's all o_O
But then the old lady shows a picture of the fairies she found the night before and Jack is all "wot..."
After she's done her and Jack muse over fairies and Jack gives her this look of "hey I heart you" and we're all "....old lady?"
And then some creepy pedophile guy coughs up rose pedals. Watch out, you'll be banned from livejournal for that!
So at Estel's house, Gwen see's a picture of Jack. But Jack's all "That's not me, that's my dad." WAY TO GO JACK'S DAD
So Gwen goes to Estel and is all "Hey did you bang Jack?" and she's all "Nope I banged his dad though!" and Jack's all "awww I heart you for banging me my dad."
When they leave, Jack is all these are evil fairies. These aren't the flaming gay men fairies you read/dream about. They like to choke you with roses.
So, crazy little girl plays with the evil fairies, the team muses over the evil fairies, creepy pedophile guy gets killed by the evil fairies. Then they kill Estel for whatever reason. Which makes Jack cry emo timelord tears.
So he has a drink,
and tells Gwen about how the evil fairies killed his soliders. in 1901 (or was it 1908?)! Fandom: WOT?!?!
The evil fairies then trash Gwen's flat. Why? Noone knows. Then they terrorize a school because the little girl told them too. So the team follows her home, where we finally get to see the evil fairies. That are also really ugly. They almost attack Jack so Gwen pounces him to the ground...
And then they follow the little girl out into the grove where she plays. The fairies are all GIVE US THE PRECIOUS and Jack is all YOU SHALL NOT PASS
But they finally get the girl because they would terrorize Earth otherwise, and the team gets all pissy with him because he did so. Jack was all BUT SERIOUSLY I HAD TO! And gets emo.
Episode 6
It's camping time! There's aparently been some people coming up missing, so the gang is going to camp out where it's happening. Even Ianto got to come along.
When they get there and almost throw up over their roadside food, they start building their tents. And they play a game of "who did you last snog." Tosh is like "owen." and Owen's like "when did this happen?" and Gwen's like "Owen." and Owen's like "ok I KNOW when that happened." And Jack's like "Alien or human?"
and Ianto's like "Lisa", which makes everyone quiet. And Jack gives Ianto a death stare like "you liar you KNOW that I was the last one to kiss you. See if you get any later."
So Gwen and Owen go out into the woods to get firewood, push each other around and almost make out again till Gwen see's something which ends up being SOMEONE'S SKELETON BEING EATEN AWAY BY BUGS EW!
While they mark off the crime scene (why?) and do a little investigating, they hear the SVU running. But they're all in the woods. So they all go running.
Ianto gets a signal on the SVU so they're off on a hike, singing hiking songs along the way. They stop to see if the SVU has moved and Ianto gets all tech geeky and Jack's like "that's hot."
So they finally find where the SVU is supposed to be and walk up to this old inn/townhome/thing. In which I came to the conclusion that they ALL have fantastic asses.
Ianto and Tosh go one way, Owen, Gwen and Jack go another. Gwen finds another dead body, which makes her throw up. Jack meanwhile is all "ew."
Tosh and Ianto play hide and go seek on the other side of the house thing and both get taken away. Owen plays doctor over the dead body, and Jack and Gwen check out some other doors. One of them has a kid with a shotgun behind it. Guess which one they pick!
Kid with the shotgun, who shoots Gwen and pisses of Jack.
So Owen finds them and gets the bullet out and there's still sexual tension despite the fact that Gwen is like half dead.
So then Ianto and Tosh are in the basement of one of the houses and are trying to get out. Ianto is trying not to freak out but still kinda is. Tosh sees a bunch of random shoes, then a fridge that has PEOPLE'S ORGANS IN IT WHAT THE HELL! Then some lady is like "I WANT TO HELP YOU BUT THEY MIGHT KILL ME SO JUST COME WITH ME" and they do.
Meanwhile, Jack, Owne, and Gwen are with the kid who shot Gwen trying to protect them, but whoever is doing all of this manages to capture him. But then Jack shoots some guy in the basement and goes down there to find him. He does and tries to question him but the guy ain't budging, despite Jack helping his gunshot wound. So he unties the thing holding his leg together and is like "LOOK I USED TO BE A TORTUAH SO FUCKING TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!"
Fandom: that's hot.
Back with Tosh and Ianto, they find out that the lady really wasn't trying to save them. And oh yeah, her and her crazy husband are going to chop them up and EAT THEM! WOT?!?!
Tosh runs and gets caught. Gwen and Owen find a police guy, then find Tosh as she's getting caught, then find out the police guy likes to eat people too. So they all go back to the house and there's like five more people sitting around all HAY WE'RE GOING TO EAT JOO NAO!
But then they hear an engine running. Everyone is like YAY THE SVU but really it's a piece of farm equipment that Jack ran through the house, then jumps through the opening and goes all kinds of Matrix on their asses and shoots everyone!!
Everyone gets banaged up, the cannibals get arrested, and everyone goes home. Except Gwen, who goes home, then goes to Owen's to have lots of crazy angsty sex.
Tomorrow - CSI Cardiff part 2. Complete with boy-boy and girl-girl snogging!
All screencaps are from the Institute.
A few people asked in the last pic!spam if I would be doing these for Utopia etc. Since I've had a good reaction from these and so many people asked, I suppose I will. It probably won't be till Mid-week to give everyone time to watch it and for caps and stuff to go up. But I'll do it.
If you missed them: Parts One (Empty Child/Doctor Dances), Two (Boom Town), and Three (Bad Wolf/Parting of Ways).
i need to learn to bookmark things when i find them.
so anyway. it's time for the Torchwood segment of our program. note: today is going to be episodes 1-6, and tomorrow will be 7-13 (with the exception of episode 9 - Random Shoes. i'm not doing that one, cause it was Torchwood lite and really kinda pointless.) this will be interesting in itself. and will probably break your dialup.
The Adventures of Captain Jack Harkness
Part 4 - CSI Cardiff part 1
So the last time we saw Captain Jack Harkness was on the game station. He was very much dead, but thanks to Rose's glowy powers of awesome, he was brought back to life. But was then stuck on the game station when the TARDIS left without him. Everyone was all "OMGWTFPOLARBEARBBQ JACK!!!"
Flash forward two years later (only a year for us, but two years Torchwood time). It's raining, there's police officers everywhere, but they aren't doing anything besides drinking coffee and getting very wet. We can tell by the gratuitous overhead shots (and the accents) that they're in Cardiff. Fun!
So there's a man dead, but the people aren't doing anything to them, and this chick is all "why?" and they're all "because we suck. thanks for reminding us." then a whole bunch of pretty people push through and start working on the dead guy, but the chick can't see anything. So she runs up the parking garage to get a better look.
And suddenly...
IT'S JACK! Who is off of the game station! And very wet! And talking about contraseptives in the rain. "I love this planet." Everyone is all "WTF YOU WERE ON THE GAME STATION" and Jack is all "teehee!"
So they aren't really working on this bloke, but rather using some glove that BRINGS HIM BACK TO LIFE WTF IS THIS SHOW?! but he only stays alive for a bit, then falls dead again. and we're all wtf? And Jack's all, "I have no idea either. Hey girl watching us from the garage! What do you think?"
We find out that this girl's name is Gwen, she's a Police Officer, has a big gap in her teeth a boyfriend, and a sudden interest in this Captain Jack Harkness guy. She asks someone in the station to get a check on him, and while they do she's running around doing cop stuff. She gets tossed trying to break up a bar fight and has to go to the hospital for stitches in the back of her head. While she's leaving, she sees a bloke in a 1941-looking coat running up the steps.
So she runs after him. But the top is sealed off. She goes in anyway cause she's all "HAY I'M A COP!" and then there's this really REALLY ugly...thing...standing there. She's like "oooh pretty makeup!" and the Janitor that follows her is like "ooooh pretty makeup!" and tries to touch it, only to get his head ripped off by the thing's teeth.
But out of nowhere, Jack to save the day! And he's all "GTFO NAO!"
Gwen finally gets the low down on Jack. Finds out that he DOESN'T EXIST CAUSE HE'S DEAD! and we're all ....wot?
So after much following and pondering and police work, she gets some pizzas to have them delivered to Torchwood. Really, who orders pizza under Torchwood?
When she gets there, it's all kinds of tech'd out and geek like, and the Doctor would have a FIELD DAY in this place. We get a shot of a HAND IN A JAR WHAT?! Fandom: *in singsong voices* We know who's hand that is!!
We see Jack sitting at his desk, doing some paper work. Spot the Doctor Who references!
And it turns out that this is all a joke just to get Gwen into the hub so she'll stop stalking them. Jack is all "HAY WOMANZ! Come check out my Weevil!"
He introduces us then to the team. Tosh (computer geek), Owen (That's Dr. Owen Harper), Suzie (who has a glove fetish) and Ianto, who looks good in a suit (That's harassment sir!) He then takes Gwen out for a drink. She's all "WTF Aliens aren't real!" which makes Jack v.v. annoyed.
He finally convinces her, but slipped her a little retcon so she wouldn't remember anything. But she goes home and tries to be all sneaky and write everything down before falling asleep thanks to the seditive, but Ianto is one step ahead of her and deletes all of her compuer oh noes!
Oh. Jack also likes to stand ontop of buildings all "I'm King of the World" like.
So she wakes up, completely clueless, but then sees that she wrote "Remember" on a brochure about the Millenium Centre. So she goes back to find Suzie being all kinds of emo, whips out a gun and is like "I needed bodies for the glove! I kill you now!"
But before she kills him, she realizes that Jack is standing on the invisible lift and SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD! WTF JACK IS DEAD AGAIN AND IT'S ONLY THE FIRST EPISODE!
Just as Suzie is about to kill Gwen, JACK WAKES UP AND HEALS HIMSELF WHAAAAAT?
So Suzie kills herself. Jack is all "hey want to work for us? We have an opening now" to Gwen and Gwen is all "duh. But why the fuck are you still alive?"
And then Jack tells us he can't die. That someone saved him a long time ago and ever since he can't die. And he needs the right sort of Doctor to sort it all out. This makes him very emo.
(WTF BBC3?!)
Episode 2
So the next day Gwen goes bowling with her boyfriend, then out to dinner, only to see this giant flaming rock thing pumulting towards Cardiff. Everyone's all THE SKY IS FALLING and Gwen gets a text message that's all OMG WORK RIGHT NOW!
The torchwood team picks her up, they snark in the car, then go to where the flaming rock landed. Gwen tries to push her way through all "hey look at me I'm important!" but the army guys are all "HA HA HA" but then Jack is like "Hey, you're hot and all, but she really is with me."
So they start chipping away at the rock, but then Gwen tries to toss something to Owen and it puts a bit ol' whole in the rock and purple gas comes spewing out. Which goes and takes over a body of a girl outside of a club. Which makes her VERY horny, because she takes a bloke into the bathroom, sexes him, but as he finishes he turns to dust. WOT?
Back at the Hub, Gwen is all JESUS I'M SORRY ALRIGHT and Jack is like "it's ok, I'll still flirt with you for a few more episodes."
So they go to the club to investigate, they watch the video of the sexin, then Jack and Gwen go outside to try and find other clues.
(This cap is here for no other reason then the FEET IN THE BACKGROUND WOT?!)
Back in the hub, they muse over what's going on, they find the girl who sexed and ran. But before they go, Jack is like COFFEE FIRST GTFO
They go to the girl's house, guns a blazin...
...then take her back to the Hub to be locked up till they figure out what's going on. The girl starts having fits, so Gwen goes in to comfort her, but the girl is all IT IS CAN BE SEX TIEM NAO and starts kissing her. Gwen doesn't object. Jack, Owen, and Tosh are like O.O
And what better way to celebrate Gwen getting her mack on with an alien then...having Chinese!
Jack gets up to go to the bathroom and Owen and Tosh are like "Ok so is he gay?" and Gwen's all "WOT?" and Owen is all "1941 clothing is so not the clothes of a straight man." and Tosh is all "I think it's hot." and Ianto is all "ME TOO!"
So Jack comes back and starts babbling alien babble, and Gwen is all "WHY DO WE NOT CARE ABOUT THE GIRL" and Jack is all "down kitty! Prove us wrong."
So Gwen digs up all this information on the girl to show Jack that she has a heart and Jack is all "ok I'm impressed. I'll keep flirting with you."
But then the girl gets out of her cell because Owen is also a horny bastard, so Jack and the girl have a...sword fight?
(Seriously BBC2, I hope you aren't as obnoxious with the watermarks as BBC3 is)
The girl tries to run but takes the hand with her! Jack is more worried about her hurting the hand then anything else. But she tosses it to the ground and Jack is all ;___;
He fixes the hand, the girl escapes, and Owen figures out that she's going to turn into rat jam if they don't find her. So they first go to her ex-boyfriend's house. Already dead. Owen's like "...Sperm bank?" and it turns out she's been there too. Lots of guys dead, even the gay ones. But they finally corner her, and Jack is all "hey I'll give you all kinds of good lovin'" and kisses her...
Which aparently makes Gwen jealous because then she kisses him...
Which makes Jack all ...
Episode 3
Next time we find Gwen and Owen (and eventually Jack) chasing a kid through Cardiff who aparently has some thing that makes you see ghosts. I want one!
Back at the hub, Jack is all "NO TOUCHY! Go find the dude that Gwen saw!"
So Gwen and Owen go see the little ghost kid who is now a big non-ghost adult to find out his story. When they come back, Jack has changed outfits...
And is all go find that other kid! Knock on doors if you have to!
So Gwen, Owen, and Tosh prance around Cardiff looking for the kid who had the ghost machine. After no luck, they take a break to eat something and Jack is all "SLACKERS!"
While walking under a bridge, the ghost machine starts going crazy and Owen sees some ghosts.
Back at the Hub, Owen is all emo over what he saw, and Jack is not amused.
He's all "EVERYONE GO HOME RIGHT NOW! EXCEPT GWEN, WHO GETS TO PLAY WITH MY GUNS! AND IANTO, WHO GETS TO PLAY WITH MY OTHER GUNS!"
Jack then teaches Gwen how to fire a gun (since she aparently didn't learn that in the Academy.) Which turns into the most sexually frustrating scene EVER.
Fandom: *dies* Jack: that was hot.
Gwen takes the ghost machine home (bad Gwen) and sees all of her happy memories with Rhys, which makes her sad and appriciate her boyfriend more.
Owen meanwhile drinks himself silly over the guy he saw in his vision thing, finds him, and calls him out on killing the girl. And then everyone is surprised that he walks out of there alive. But then he finds the kid with the ghost maching, chases him through Cardiff (again), but this time he catches him and takes him...to a pub? Wot? The rest of the Torchwood crew meets them and the kid says "hey I have the other piece!" and they're all "WOT?!"
So they get the other piece but then Gwen accidently puts the two together and Jack is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
And she sees herself with blood all over her hands.
That night, Gwen goes back to the kid's place, who is freaked out that he's going to die and gets a weird phone call which makes him flip out even more. He goes outside to find the dude that killed the girl in all his crazy with a knife! Owen and Jack get there just before the dude kills the kid (who saw the same thing Owen did and aparently blackmailed the guy) but then Owen wants to kill the dude and Jack is all WTF I'M SO CONFUSED!!
Gwen stops him, takes the knife, the dude is like OMG THANK YOU and goes to hug her but OOPS the knife is held in the direction of the dude's stomach! It kills him, Gwen has blood all over her hands, and Jack's all "this ghost machine is dangerous. So I gives it to Ianto"
Then Jack and Gwen watch the sun rise.
Episode 4
There are three main themes to this episode. Ianto has a Cyberwoman in the basement, Jack gets really pissed off. Ianto cries alot. So here we go...
We find Jack playing basketball with the gang. "Hey I'm athletic!"
Once they're done, they decide to go have a drink, leaving Ianto with creepy Japanese guy to deal with Ianto's half cyberman girlfriend in the basement. Fandom: WOT? But we're then distracted by the massive amounts of pretty and forget all about it.
When they get back, Jack begs for coffee
But then the power goes all kinds of crazy and Jack is all WTF IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE?!
Ianto goes to "fix it" and finds creepy Japanese guy with a giant bolt in his eye and very much dead. Ianto hides the body and fixes the lights. But then it starts again, and Gwen and Owen go to look. And they find Lisa's bed.
Jack goes down behind them (while Gwen is about to become a cyberman herself) and is all WTF WHY IS THERE A CYBERWOMAN IN MY BASEMENT?!
Ianto slams him against the wall to keep him from shooting Lisa and Jack is all "NOT NOW IANTO THERE'S A CYBERWOMAN IN MY BASEMENT!"
But then puts two and two together, shuts down the entire hub, then drags Ianto upstairs and is like "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A CYBERWOMAN IN MY BASEMENT?!"
Ianto's all "BUT I LOVE HER" and Jack's all "STFU YOU LOVE ME" so they all run off to come up with a plan to get out. But then Lisa comes out all "HEY I'M OUT OF YOUR BASEMENT!" and Ianto is all "LISA I LOVE YOU STOP THIS" so she Akon WWE-style tosses him across the room and Jack is all "OMG!"
So Jack is all "ONLY I CAN HURT IANTO RIGHT NOW" and Lisa is all "STFU" and Jack's all "ZAP ME THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS!"
And of course he lives. Then she zaps him again. And he just barely lives again. Then crawls over to Ianto who's all kinds of passed out and looking pretty dead. But Jack is like "Oh hell no." And gives him the kiss of life.
And thus begins the reign of the Jack/Ianto fangirls (completely guilty.)
Btw, at the same time? Gwen and Owen are making out. While Tosh finally gets things running enough to get them out via invisible lift. Poor Tosh.
So Jack is all "HEY LISA IT'S FEEDING TIME" and sprays BBQ sauce all over her and everyone is like WOT?!
Myfawny comes down and there's a battle between cyberwoman and dinosaur which is complete cheese but whatever. They escape through the invisible lift. Tosh runs up to them all YAYS but Ianto is all FUCK YOU JACK and punches him. Jack is all "...baby why'd you punch me?"
So Ianto runs back in to try and save Lisa from Myfawny and Jack is all "Ok look. If you ever think I'm even going to THINK about shagging you EVER? You're going to go kill that bitch."
So Ianto goes back into the basement to find Lisa very much dead. But she's also still alive! She took the pizza delivery girl, cut her head open and put her brain into the other girl's and stitched it back up, all before Ianto could make it down there. She's all "LOOK I'M HUMAN AGAIN" and Ianto's all "STFU YOU'RE NOT LISA" and tries to kill her but can't.
But then the team comes down and is all BANG BANG BANG and look really hot doing it.
We then see Jack and Gwen looking over Ianto, who's cleaning up the hub. He looks at Jack like "Ok I'm really sorry." and Jack looks at him like "Ok I'll forgive you this time. We'll make out later."
Episode 5
Fairies? Are you serious?
We find Jack in his bed (mmm) having dreams (about the Doctor) (about Ianto) about when he was in the service (in 1941?) and his team with...roses in their mouths? Wot?
He wakes up and finds Ianto still in the Hub and is all "Hey I forgive you now, snog later?"
So Jack hears all about this Fairy talk and is all "YAY FAIRIES" and Gwen's all o_O
But then the old lady shows a picture of the fairies she found the night before and Jack is all "wot..."
After she's done her and Jack muse over fairies and Jack gives her this look of "hey I heart you" and we're all "....old lady?"
And then some creepy pedophile guy coughs up rose pedals. Watch out, you'll be banned from livejournal for that!
So at Estel's house, Gwen see's a picture of Jack. But Jack's all "That's not me, that's my dad." WAY TO GO JACK'S DAD
So Gwen goes to Estel and is all "Hey did you bang Jack?" and she's all "Nope I banged his dad though!" and Jack's all "awww I heart you for banging me my dad."
When they leave, Jack is all these are evil fairies. These aren't the flaming gay men fairies you read/dream about. They like to choke you with roses.
So, crazy little girl plays with the evil fairies, the team muses over the evil fairies, creepy pedophile guy gets killed by the evil fairies. Then they kill Estel for whatever reason. Which makes Jack cry emo timelord tears.
So he has a drink,
and tells Gwen about how the evil fairies killed his soliders. in 1901 (or was it 1908?)! Fandom: WOT?!?!
The evil fairies then trash Gwen's flat. Why? Noone knows. Then they terrorize a school because the little girl told them too. So the team follows her home, where we finally get to see the evil fairies. That are also really ugly. They almost attack Jack so Gwen pounces him to the ground...
And then they follow the little girl out into the grove where she plays. The fairies are all GIVE US THE PRECIOUS and Jack is all YOU SHALL NOT PASS
But they finally get the girl because they would terrorize Earth otherwise, and the team gets all pissy with him because he did so. Jack was all BUT SERIOUSLY I HAD TO! And gets emo.
Episode 6
It's camping time! There's aparently been some people coming up missing, so the gang is going to camp out where it's happening. Even Ianto got to come along.
When they get there and almost throw up over their roadside food, they start building their tents. And they play a game of "who did you last snog." Tosh is like "owen." and Owen's like "when did this happen?" and Gwen's like "Owen." and Owen's like "ok I KNOW when that happened." And Jack's like "Alien or human?"
and Ianto's like "Lisa", which makes everyone quiet. And Jack gives Ianto a death stare like "you liar you KNOW that I was the last one to kiss you. See if you get any later."
So Gwen and Owen go out into the woods to get firewood, push each other around and almost make out again till Gwen see's something which ends up being SOMEONE'S SKELETON BEING EATEN AWAY BY BUGS EW!
While they mark off the crime scene (why?) and do a little investigating, they hear the SVU running. But they're all in the woods. So they all go running.
Ianto gets a signal on the SVU so they're off on a hike, singing hiking songs along the way. They stop to see if the SVU has moved and Ianto gets all tech geeky and Jack's like "that's hot."
So they finally find where the SVU is supposed to be and walk up to this old inn/townhome/thing. In which I came to the conclusion that they ALL have fantastic asses.
Ianto and Tosh go one way, Owen, Gwen and Jack go another. Gwen finds another dead body, which makes her throw up. Jack meanwhile is all "ew."
Tosh and Ianto play hide and go seek on the other side of the house thing and both get taken away. Owen plays doctor over the dead body, and Jack and Gwen check out some other doors. One of them has a kid with a shotgun behind it. Guess which one they pick!
Kid with the shotgun, who shoots Gwen and pisses of Jack.
So Owen finds them and gets the bullet out and there's still sexual tension despite the fact that Gwen is like half dead.
So then Ianto and Tosh are in the basement of one of the houses and are trying to get out. Ianto is trying not to freak out but still kinda is. Tosh sees a bunch of random shoes, then a fridge that has PEOPLE'S ORGANS IN IT WHAT THE HELL! Then some lady is like "I WANT TO HELP YOU BUT THEY MIGHT KILL ME SO JUST COME WITH ME" and they do.
Meanwhile, Jack, Owne, and Gwen are with the kid who shot Gwen trying to protect them, but whoever is doing all of this manages to capture him. But then Jack shoots some guy in the basement and goes down there to find him. He does and tries to question him but the guy ain't budging, despite Jack helping his gunshot wound. So he unties the thing holding his leg together and is like "LOOK I USED TO BE A TORTUAH SO FUCKING TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!"
Fandom: that's hot.
Back with Tosh and Ianto, they find out that the lady really wasn't trying to save them. And oh yeah, her and her crazy husband are going to chop them up and EAT THEM! WOT?!?!
Tosh runs and gets caught. Gwen and Owen find a police guy, then find Tosh as she's getting caught, then find out the police guy likes to eat people too. So they all go back to the house and there's like five more people sitting around all HAY WE'RE GOING TO EAT JOO NAO!
But then they hear an engine running. Everyone is like YAY THE SVU but really it's a piece of farm equipment that Jack ran through the house, then jumps through the opening and goes all kinds of Matrix on their asses and shoots everyone!!
Everyone gets banaged up, the cannibals get arrested, and everyone goes home. Except Gwen, who goes home, then goes to Owen's to have lots of crazy angsty sex.
Tomorrow - CSI Cardiff part 2. Complete with boy-boy and girl-girl snogging!
All screencaps are from the Institute.
A few people asked in the last pic!spam if I would be doing these for Utopia etc. Since I've had a good reaction from these and so many people asked, I suppose I will. It probably won't be till Mid-week to give everyone time to watch it and for caps and stuff to go up. But I'll do it.
If you missed them: Parts One (Empty Child/Doctor Dances), Two (Boom Town), and Three (Bad Wolf/Parting of Ways).