Extremely late update.
I was planning to post a few days ago, but a lot of weird/frustrating stuff happened. I had to do house chores and then Mom got mad at me for forgetting about OTHER house-chores, and naturally my sister ganged up on me for that as well. And it didn't help that I forgot to tell them when opening night would start and end, so my after-performance high was interrupted by about four pissed-off texts from Mom asking when I'd get home.
-----
So it turns out that nobody knows why the Tiger is here.
A couple days ago I woke up because he was pacing around in my tower. When he saw me, he jumped over to pin me and demanded, "Why are you afraid of ME, but not the bear?"
And I'm like, "What does that mean?!"
"Shouldn't it be the other way around?"
Then I was just completely lost. "Well, the bear isn't actually a BEAR, he's one of my ancestors who can--"
"Does it matter?"
I am confused and scared again, so Moritz asks him to PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE GET OFF HER and he leaves in a bit of a huff. I headed off to see Ernst because the Tiger's second question kept digging at my mind. Ernst sighed and told me, "He's just mad that someone isn't fawning all over him. Don't worry too much, little sister."
"So... why is he even here?"
Ernst shrugged and went, "I don't know. Maybe he thinks you're too soft? But tigers don't talk much, so I can't say for sure."
And then Taro comes in and goes, "See, Lady--if you'd gone to JAPAN first, shit like that wouldn't of happened. We don't let people fucking hitchhike acause they feel like it. We're POLITE there."
I hear the Tiger growl and say, "This is what I get when I'm nice to a farmer."
"Saying hi ain't NICE just acause it's in my language! Fucking CAT!"
"Oh god, Taro, he's not a housecat!" But unfortunately they were both getting REALLY wound up, so we had to make Taro leave for a while.
I wondered why Taro was so hostile towards the Tiger when cats (and tigers) are actually positive symbols, and Taro went, "Lady, just acause we like statues of ONE cat and they're useful for catching stuff don't mean I like cats."
-----
There are a couple of people who have brought up the topic that "You're always flailing around in confusion." One was a while ago, but another was this week on my blog. And then they brought up the subpoint of "The Tuatha De don't seem to be TEACHING you so much as blundering around like a bull in a china shop."
Apparently they're not blundering--within reason, all the craziness seems to be part of the plan. I got mad and ended up yelling at the Fianna last night about something like "WHY WON'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO AND LET ME FUCKING DO IT?!"
David laughed and went, "Pfft. You're asking the FIANNA about being logical."
So I sigh and go, "Because! The rest of the Tuatha De keep saying 'You're right on track. Don't worry.' And I'm just sick of that right now."
"Well, you ARE on track. You're so impatient--always wanting things right away."
"David, my SISTER is the entitled one."
"No, I meant you always want things RIGHT AWAY. 'I need to write my plays in two weeks!'"
"I don't say that!"
But David goes, "You keep getting that "Shit, I forgot" look every other day. It's one thing to not be satisfied because you can always do better, but sometimes you're just impatient. Going slowly doesn't mean you're not going ANYWHERE. You are right where you need to be."
"But the Cauldron tended to call me a Mary Sue no matter how confused/distressed I actually WAS about the whole "random gods and spirits I'm not remotely attached to keep showing up" deal. And I haven't even blogged EVERYTHING, because that would really get people going "THERAPY NOW." The only things that they DIDN'T go "raaargh Mary Sue" on were me cutting braids for the Tuatha De, and me writing plays that the gods are telling me to write. Shouldn't 'The gods want bits of my hair!' or 'The gods are telling me to write plays!' be MORE worrying than what I think or how they appear to me? I cut off bits of my REALLY CHERISHED hair because the voices in my head wanted some, and other voices are helping me write plays about things important to me."
"Because those are easier to solve--either stop cutting your hair or make sure the uneven bits don't show too much, and then stop saying the gods are helping you in public. But when you get into 'The gods look like my fandoms' and 'The gods keep tossing me into things that I'm only vaguely prepared for'? Well, those are just TOO weird." And after a moment, David asked me, "Who wants to go from Point A to B all the time?"
"...What?"
"Lots of people go from A to B without a problem. It's how things are, and it's why you can't find much help. But you're not supposed to." And then he looked very intently at me and said, "You ever wonder why you spend so much time with the people who keep letting you get lost, meet random people, and fall on your knife? And how the nice, sensible ones like Ogma or the Firefly crew only show up if you are in really fucking deep shit?"
And I'm like, "THAT IS WHAT WORRIES PEOPLE, YES."
"We let you do that because if you don't make stupid mistakes like picking up hitchhikers and exhausting yourself, you are not learning anything."
"But why me?! Why not someone who knows what to tell people and what to keep quiet about? It STILL makes people feel weird that 90% of my Tuatha De are characters or celebrities!"
"It's you because you have the right mind and the right skills. Most people think you're crazy, and even YOU think you're crazy sometimes, but have you actually given up yet? Hell no. You're heading from A to W to F to fucking 15, bitch--and when you finally end up at B, it's going to be AWESOME."
"What if I did give up?"
And he scoffed and went, "The Morrigan wouldn't have picked you if she knew you were like that."
After a bit of key-smashing at yet another hint about why the Morrigan would pick a repressed, nonviolent artist, I go, "The Morrigan doesn't know EVERYTHING."
David laughed again and went, "But she knows you, doesn't she? And you're IN it now. Even when you were thirteen, you knew that whatever she called you for, you wouldn't go back."
So I ask, "Don't you mean I COULDN'T go back?"
"Hell no, little banflaith. Everyone has imbas, but not everyone wants to USE it. Everyone wants to find everyone else, but not everyone wants to wait for them. Everyone wants to change, but not everyone wants to risk TRYING. You use imbas way too much, you know waiting isn't just sitting around doing nothing--no matter how much you bitch about it--and you get into SO MUCH TROUBLE trying to do too much at once. That's all we want from you."
So I take a minute to process this, and then I ask, "Wait. Ogma said if I had questions, I could ask him. Why hasn't he stepped in more often to keep me from falling on my knife or getting yanked around by Mordred?"
And David laughs his ass off and goes, "Because you're not asking him!"
At which Ogma comes in and tells me, "You are very, very smart, and that makes you act very, very stupid sometimes. Well, frequently."
"But why don't you stop me?! At least a LITTLE more often?"
"Because I'm the god of LEARNING, not the god of telling you young'uns what to do. Besides, that would keep you from living. What point is there in writing good plays and reconnecting with people if it just HAPPENS?"
"But I went through a LOT! In NUMEROUS lifetimes! And half the time it's ME stopping myself!"
"You did, and you are. But you are still alive now, and that means you need the other half."
Tealdeer: I'm going through spiritual adolescence right now, and stopping that would be bad. (And less exciting.)
-----
Then I left for work and while I was cleaning stuff and listening to the radio, there were a lot of nineties-era songs coming on. When "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind came on, Wes requested it for the Big Play.
And Spirit-Me is like, "...Wes, why are you asking to sing about trying to talk someone down from killing themselves?"
So Wes smiles badly and says, "Maybe... I just like the awesome solo?"
And naturally that is a bullshit answer. Plus David sighed and went, "Yeah, we picked up Wes a few years ago."
"A FEW years ago?! But you don't FEEL more recent than the rest of the Fianna!"
David reminded me, "If we come to you and you put up with our shit, you're OURS."
"Wes, you jumped off a building?!"
"I did not JUMP off of anything, banflaith--" But suddenly an image of the Golden Gate Bridge snapped into my head, which Wes pretty clearly didn't mean to do by the "Oh shit" look on his face.
Which doesn't make me feel any better, and I'm like, "OH GOD, WES, YOU JUMPED OFF THE BRIDGE?!"
Snippet of SF history: The Golden Gate is pretty well known among locals as a suicide bridge. It has the most suicides a year in the fucking world, its death rate is really close to 100%, and that's only the RECORDED ones. There are scads of ways that people are trying to get the number down, but those are pretty recent ones.
So I'm freaking out about Wes now, and like any reasonable and calm person, Spirit-Me goes, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"
Wes actually has to think about it, so he takes a while to say, "I don't know. I just... I needed... water?" And that's not very helpful even with the "ocean/deep/calm" vibes he gives me, so he sighs and says, "Look, banflaith, all I remember is that everything hurt and I wanted it to stop."
And then David shows me: Wes is standing on the bridge at sunset about to jump. Spirit-David and a few other Fianna appear behind him, hold him, and they whisper, "Come with us."
But either Wes doesn't understand or he misinterprets it, and he jumps anyway despite the Fianna trying to stop him. It's not that he panicked at hearing voices; he told me, "I thought it meant 'come with us after you die', not 'come with us instead of killing yourself.'"
And... yeah, even now I don't get how that works. So I asked, "How can you misinterpret something like that? Usually the vibes are clearer than the actual words."
David tells me, "Well, he was REALLY messed up. In a perfect world, Wes would have heard us right and stayed alive. Maybe met up with one of you down there instead of here. But he didn't, because it isn't. Either way, he's ours now."
Then I wonder why Wes was always reminiscing about the various Fianna hijinx, and he went, "I MYSELF don't remember all of it, but we as a GROUP do. Does that make sense?"
"...Mostly?" And then I ask him, "Do you identify with Wes or Telly Leung?"
"Not sure. But I did pick Wes for a reason." And I knew he was hiding SOMETHING from me, but I got busy with work. When I checked on Wes again, he was... dressing? He was in my meditation room, both literally putting on the Warbler uniform and spiritually in-between his own form and Wes', and everyone was outside giving "he needs some privacy" vibes.
I got a flash of his skintone that was a lot paler than Wes', so I asked, "Wes, are you okay?"
"I am not done with my hair. Can you... NOT look, please?"
"Okay." So I shut the door and try not to see what Wes actually looks like, and after a minute he comes out.
"Sorry about that. I just don't want to remember too much right now." And then a couple hours later I heard him crying, so I check on him and he's sitting against the Oak with David going "Dude, Wes, breathe." And the others are going "shhhhh" in that "calm down" way.
So I try to help out, but David tells me, "Don't worry, banflaith, we're on it. You have a show soon."
And basically, the most that's happened is that whenever I'm not focused on the show, I'm alternately worried about Wes or MD-Friend. Also, I have to keep stopping myself from prying too much into who Wes actually is, aside from a suicidal person. Who may or may not be an ancestor.
Then yesterday at work, I ended up in the Otherworld again at Nechtan's well because... I was thirsty? But not physically thirsty, just spiritually. So I'm just staring blankly at the well and wondering if I should really be there without Nechtan, who shows up in a minute and asks what's up.
"I think I want to drink some of it, but I don't want to go MORE crazy."
"Pfft. You're not CRAZY, honey. Just trying really hard to sort things out. It's normal right now."
"But... should I actually drink some, or is it going to make me lose an eye or something?"
And then he looked at me with fiery eyes and said, "I have drunk from the Well of the Hazels, in the westernmost Isles of the Blessed."
"But we're not IN the Blessed Isles! ...Are we?"
"I'm just exaggerating, banflaith. You're so literal! Besides, LOTS of people drink from it without a problem."
But eventually I admitted that I probably wasn't ready to drink Nechtan's water yet, and then he said that was fine since everyone had limits (and the well wasn't going anywhere, so I could just come later). And then he noticed I was thinking about all the stuff I've been going through and asked, "Why do you feel that you're really meeting gods and animal-spirits?"
"Because they're BIG! And not just literally, their... presences are big. The ancestors are less big, but... still. They're not the same as people."
"You ARE pretty small."
So I left Nechtan's well, but then I found myself on an island beach with Arianrhod. She looked at me and said, "Looks like you need something."
"...What?"
"Come on, little poetess."
And I'm like, "...Wait, aren't I a bard?"
"Hereabouts? Not YET. As of now, you're just a very good poet. The Irish are so odd when it comes to words." So she starts tugging me over to the ocean and I'm like 'fjdks;lajkl; NONONO I CANNOT SWIM' so she said, "Calm down, poet, I'm not going to toss you in and leave you! Right now you just need to float."
So... I floated around in the ocean. After a minute I could feel it seeping EVERYWHERE. Especially into the back of my neck, where the metaphorical wires were still damaged even with the braiding to reconnect them. And... they got smoothed over? Just a little, but my head jolted REALLY hard.
When I got back to land and asked Ogma about it, he said that saltwater is healing. Which makes sense, both spiritually and physically.
-----
On Hanschen's Weird Thing With MD-Friend: Whenever I work on the Small Play lately, I keep seeing/hearing flashes of MD-Friend and Current-Hanschen hooking up because of the play. Which is worrying because MD-Friend is talking a LOT on Facebook about 'finding my other half' and posting poetry/songs about lying and how love hurts. A lot.
And then he has this long (but thankfully normal-sounding) post about the infamous "Betty-Veronica-Archie" love triangle from Archie Comics, and he mentioned at the veeeeeery end that this is TOTALLY not about him.
So I'm pretty sure MD-Friend might be feeling like Betty, if he has an object of affection who is ignoring/neglecting him in favor of a potential Veronica (or in favor of just being a dick). But Hanschen just scoffed and went, "Universe will take care of that."
And seeing as this is Hanschen, I take things with my usual salt-shaker and head to ask the Earwig about it. "Earwig, if MD-Friend has a boyfriend or hopeful-boyfriend, then why is Hanschen being so involved with him? Even just spiritually?"
It laughed and said, "Universe."
"GRAAAAH, that's what Hanschen said!"
And then it laughed again. "You're used to working. Some things don't need it."
So... not much more I can say about MD-Friend's relationship status. And so I ask Hanschen, "Why are visions starting up again?! The last time I had inexplicable visions about hooking up through a play, it led to THIS!"
And then I had a flashback of me and Hanschen as Native Americans. He told me, "Everything in the world has potential, little sister. Spirit just shows you what has MOST potential so we don't go crazy."
-----
This morning, I realized that my chest has been hurting on and off since opening night.
Nothing's actually WRONG with it though; I didn't fall wrong or hit anything in rehearsal or performances, there's nothing up with my lungs/ribs/back, there's no WAY I can be getting medical fatigue after three months of practicing, and yet that very specific spot in the middle of my chest keeps acting up with a dull, throbbing ache whenever I'm thinking about Wes or MD-Friend.
Or all the shit I've been going through, really.
And then last night Wendla went, "Oh, sweetie--your heart hurts." And she gave me a hug, but it didn't make the ache stop.
So I ask what the hell is up and Hanschen says pointedly, "Inexplicable pain means something's wrong up here."
"...Yes, Hanschen. EVERYTHING'S wrong up here. Can you guys do anything about it?"
And he goes, "Even if we could, we probably shouldn't or it'd just end up worse later on. Sometimes you just need to let it hurt."
That is not the answer I want, so I go "JFDKLSAJL Fuck you and your shaman talk!" and hug Moritz for a few minutes.
And then Hanschen hugged me and said, "It's going to hurt less, later on."
The literal heartache might also be because my family's starting to have that week-long "YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE, CROSSOVERQUEEN!" "But I do." "WELL, YOU DON'T DO ENOUGH!" talk again.
Not good for staying out of the Otherworld (outside of theater). Still, at least I'm keeping it mostly to morning and evening meditations.
And it's half an hour to call time, so I should get back in four-ish hours.
-----
So it turns out that nobody knows why the Tiger is here.
A couple days ago I woke up because he was pacing around in my tower. When he saw me, he jumped over to pin me and demanded, "Why are you afraid of ME, but not the bear?"
And I'm like, "What does that mean?!"
"Shouldn't it be the other way around?"
Then I was just completely lost. "Well, the bear isn't actually a BEAR, he's one of my ancestors who can--"
"Does it matter?"
I am confused and scared again, so Moritz asks him to PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE GET OFF HER and he leaves in a bit of a huff. I headed off to see Ernst because the Tiger's second question kept digging at my mind. Ernst sighed and told me, "He's just mad that someone isn't fawning all over him. Don't worry too much, little sister."
"So... why is he even here?"
Ernst shrugged and went, "I don't know. Maybe he thinks you're too soft? But tigers don't talk much, so I can't say for sure."
And then Taro comes in and goes, "See, Lady--if you'd gone to JAPAN first, shit like that wouldn't of happened. We don't let people fucking hitchhike acause they feel like it. We're POLITE there."
I hear the Tiger growl and say, "This is what I get when I'm nice to a farmer."
"Saying hi ain't NICE just acause it's in my language! Fucking CAT!"
"Oh god, Taro, he's not a housecat!" But unfortunately they were both getting REALLY wound up, so we had to make Taro leave for a while.
I wondered why Taro was so hostile towards the Tiger when cats (and tigers) are actually positive symbols, and Taro went, "Lady, just acause we like statues of ONE cat and they're useful for catching stuff don't mean I like cats."
-----
There are a couple of people who have brought up the topic that "You're always flailing around in confusion." One was a while ago, but another was this week on my blog. And then they brought up the subpoint of "The Tuatha De don't seem to be TEACHING you so much as blundering around like a bull in a china shop."
Apparently they're not blundering--within reason, all the craziness seems to be part of the plan. I got mad and ended up yelling at the Fianna last night about something like "WHY WON'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO AND LET ME FUCKING DO IT?!"
David laughed and went, "Pfft. You're asking the FIANNA about being logical."
So I sigh and go, "Because! The rest of the Tuatha De keep saying 'You're right on track. Don't worry.' And I'm just sick of that right now."
"Well, you ARE on track. You're so impatient--always wanting things right away."
"David, my SISTER is the entitled one."
"No, I meant you always want things RIGHT AWAY. 'I need to write my plays in two weeks!'"
"I don't say that!"
But David goes, "You keep getting that "Shit, I forgot" look every other day. It's one thing to not be satisfied because you can always do better, but sometimes you're just impatient. Going slowly doesn't mean you're not going ANYWHERE. You are right where you need to be."
"But the Cauldron tended to call me a Mary Sue no matter how confused/distressed I actually WAS about the whole "random gods and spirits I'm not remotely attached to keep showing up" deal. And I haven't even blogged EVERYTHING, because that would really get people going "THERAPY NOW." The only things that they DIDN'T go "raaargh Mary Sue" on were me cutting braids for the Tuatha De, and me writing plays that the gods are telling me to write. Shouldn't 'The gods want bits of my hair!' or 'The gods are telling me to write plays!' be MORE worrying than what I think or how they appear to me? I cut off bits of my REALLY CHERISHED hair because the voices in my head wanted some, and other voices are helping me write plays about things important to me."
"Because those are easier to solve--either stop cutting your hair or make sure the uneven bits don't show too much, and then stop saying the gods are helping you in public. But when you get into 'The gods look like my fandoms' and 'The gods keep tossing me into things that I'm only vaguely prepared for'? Well, those are just TOO weird." And after a moment, David asked me, "Who wants to go from Point A to B all the time?"
"...What?"
"Lots of people go from A to B without a problem. It's how things are, and it's why you can't find much help. But you're not supposed to." And then he looked very intently at me and said, "You ever wonder why you spend so much time with the people who keep letting you get lost, meet random people, and fall on your knife? And how the nice, sensible ones like Ogma or the Firefly crew only show up if you are in really fucking deep shit?"
And I'm like, "THAT IS WHAT WORRIES PEOPLE, YES."
"We let you do that because if you don't make stupid mistakes like picking up hitchhikers and exhausting yourself, you are not learning anything."
"But why me?! Why not someone who knows what to tell people and what to keep quiet about? It STILL makes people feel weird that 90% of my Tuatha De are characters or celebrities!"
"It's you because you have the right mind and the right skills. Most people think you're crazy, and even YOU think you're crazy sometimes, but have you actually given up yet? Hell no. You're heading from A to W to F to fucking 15, bitch--and when you finally end up at B, it's going to be AWESOME."
"What if I did give up?"
And he scoffed and went, "The Morrigan wouldn't have picked you if she knew you were like that."
After a bit of key-smashing at yet another hint about why the Morrigan would pick a repressed, nonviolent artist, I go, "The Morrigan doesn't know EVERYTHING."
David laughed again and went, "But she knows you, doesn't she? And you're IN it now. Even when you were thirteen, you knew that whatever she called you for, you wouldn't go back."
So I ask, "Don't you mean I COULDN'T go back?"
"Hell no, little banflaith. Everyone has imbas, but not everyone wants to USE it. Everyone wants to find everyone else, but not everyone wants to wait for them. Everyone wants to change, but not everyone wants to risk TRYING. You use imbas way too much, you know waiting isn't just sitting around doing nothing--no matter how much you bitch about it--and you get into SO MUCH TROUBLE trying to do too much at once. That's all we want from you."
So I take a minute to process this, and then I ask, "Wait. Ogma said if I had questions, I could ask him. Why hasn't he stepped in more often to keep me from falling on my knife or getting yanked around by Mordred?"
And David laughs his ass off and goes, "Because you're not asking him!"
At which Ogma comes in and tells me, "You are very, very smart, and that makes you act very, very stupid sometimes. Well, frequently."
"But why don't you stop me?! At least a LITTLE more often?"
"Because I'm the god of LEARNING, not the god of telling you young'uns what to do. Besides, that would keep you from living. What point is there in writing good plays and reconnecting with people if it just HAPPENS?"
"But I went through a LOT! In NUMEROUS lifetimes! And half the time it's ME stopping myself!"
"You did, and you are. But you are still alive now, and that means you need the other half."
Tealdeer: I'm going through spiritual adolescence right now, and stopping that would be bad. (And less exciting.)
-----
Then I left for work and while I was cleaning stuff and listening to the radio, there were a lot of nineties-era songs coming on. When "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind came on, Wes requested it for the Big Play.
And Spirit-Me is like, "...Wes, why are you asking to sing about trying to talk someone down from killing themselves?"
So Wes smiles badly and says, "Maybe... I just like the awesome solo?"
And naturally that is a bullshit answer. Plus David sighed and went, "Yeah, we picked up Wes a few years ago."
"A FEW years ago?! But you don't FEEL more recent than the rest of the Fianna!"
David reminded me, "If we come to you and you put up with our shit, you're OURS."
"Wes, you jumped off a building?!"
"I did not JUMP off of anything, banflaith--" But suddenly an image of the Golden Gate Bridge snapped into my head, which Wes pretty clearly didn't mean to do by the "Oh shit" look on his face.
Which doesn't make me feel any better, and I'm like, "OH GOD, WES, YOU JUMPED OFF THE BRIDGE?!"
Snippet of SF history: The Golden Gate is pretty well known among locals as a suicide bridge. It has the most suicides a year in the fucking world, its death rate is really close to 100%, and that's only the RECORDED ones. There are scads of ways that people are trying to get the number down, but those are pretty recent ones.
So I'm freaking out about Wes now, and like any reasonable and calm person, Spirit-Me goes, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"
Wes actually has to think about it, so he takes a while to say, "I don't know. I just... I needed... water?" And that's not very helpful even with the "ocean/deep/calm" vibes he gives me, so he sighs and says, "Look, banflaith, all I remember is that everything hurt and I wanted it to stop."
And then David shows me: Wes is standing on the bridge at sunset about to jump. Spirit-David and a few other Fianna appear behind him, hold him, and they whisper, "Come with us."
But either Wes doesn't understand or he misinterprets it, and he jumps anyway despite the Fianna trying to stop him. It's not that he panicked at hearing voices; he told me, "I thought it meant 'come with us after you die', not 'come with us instead of killing yourself.'"
And... yeah, even now I don't get how that works. So I asked, "How can you misinterpret something like that? Usually the vibes are clearer than the actual words."
David tells me, "Well, he was REALLY messed up. In a perfect world, Wes would have heard us right and stayed alive. Maybe met up with one of you down there instead of here. But he didn't, because it isn't. Either way, he's ours now."
Then I wonder why Wes was always reminiscing about the various Fianna hijinx, and he went, "I MYSELF don't remember all of it, but we as a GROUP do. Does that make sense?"
"...Mostly?" And then I ask him, "Do you identify with Wes or Telly Leung?"
"Not sure. But I did pick Wes for a reason." And I knew he was hiding SOMETHING from me, but I got busy with work. When I checked on Wes again, he was... dressing? He was in my meditation room, both literally putting on the Warbler uniform and spiritually in-between his own form and Wes', and everyone was outside giving "he needs some privacy" vibes.
I got a flash of his skintone that was a lot paler than Wes', so I asked, "Wes, are you okay?"
"I am not done with my hair. Can you... NOT look, please?"
"Okay." So I shut the door and try not to see what Wes actually looks like, and after a minute he comes out.
"Sorry about that. I just don't want to remember too much right now." And then a couple hours later I heard him crying, so I check on him and he's sitting against the Oak with David going "Dude, Wes, breathe." And the others are going "shhhhh" in that "calm down" way.
So I try to help out, but David tells me, "Don't worry, banflaith, we're on it. You have a show soon."
And basically, the most that's happened is that whenever I'm not focused on the show, I'm alternately worried about Wes or MD-Friend. Also, I have to keep stopping myself from prying too much into who Wes actually is, aside from a suicidal person. Who may or may not be an ancestor.
Then yesterday at work, I ended up in the Otherworld again at Nechtan's well because... I was thirsty? But not physically thirsty, just spiritually. So I'm just staring blankly at the well and wondering if I should really be there without Nechtan, who shows up in a minute and asks what's up.
"I think I want to drink some of it, but I don't want to go MORE crazy."
"Pfft. You're not CRAZY, honey. Just trying really hard to sort things out. It's normal right now."
"But... should I actually drink some, or is it going to make me lose an eye or something?"
And then he looked at me with fiery eyes and said, "I have drunk from the Well of the Hazels, in the westernmost Isles of the Blessed."
"But we're not IN the Blessed Isles! ...Are we?"
"I'm just exaggerating, banflaith. You're so literal! Besides, LOTS of people drink from it without a problem."
But eventually I admitted that I probably wasn't ready to drink Nechtan's water yet, and then he said that was fine since everyone had limits (and the well wasn't going anywhere, so I could just come later). And then he noticed I was thinking about all the stuff I've been going through and asked, "Why do you feel that you're really meeting gods and animal-spirits?"
"Because they're BIG! And not just literally, their... presences are big. The ancestors are less big, but... still. They're not the same as people."
"You ARE pretty small."
So I left Nechtan's well, but then I found myself on an island beach with Arianrhod. She looked at me and said, "Looks like you need something."
"...What?"
"Come on, little poetess."
And I'm like, "...Wait, aren't I a bard?"
"Hereabouts? Not YET. As of now, you're just a very good poet. The Irish are so odd when it comes to words." So she starts tugging me over to the ocean and I'm like 'fjdks;lajkl; NONONO I CANNOT SWIM' so she said, "Calm down, poet, I'm not going to toss you in and leave you! Right now you just need to float."
So... I floated around in the ocean. After a minute I could feel it seeping EVERYWHERE. Especially into the back of my neck, where the metaphorical wires were still damaged even with the braiding to reconnect them. And... they got smoothed over? Just a little, but my head jolted REALLY hard.
When I got back to land and asked Ogma about it, he said that saltwater is healing. Which makes sense, both spiritually and physically.
-----
On Hanschen's Weird Thing With MD-Friend: Whenever I work on the Small Play lately, I keep seeing/hearing flashes of MD-Friend and Current-Hanschen hooking up because of the play. Which is worrying because MD-Friend is talking a LOT on Facebook about 'finding my other half' and posting poetry/songs about lying and how love hurts. A lot.
And then he has this long (but thankfully normal-sounding) post about the infamous "Betty-Veronica-Archie" love triangle from Archie Comics, and he mentioned at the veeeeeery end that this is TOTALLY not about him.
So I'm pretty sure MD-Friend might be feeling like Betty, if he has an object of affection who is ignoring/neglecting him in favor of a potential Veronica (or in favor of just being a dick). But Hanschen just scoffed and went, "Universe will take care of that."
And seeing as this is Hanschen, I take things with my usual salt-shaker and head to ask the Earwig about it. "Earwig, if MD-Friend has a boyfriend or hopeful-boyfriend, then why is Hanschen being so involved with him? Even just spiritually?"
It laughed and said, "Universe."
"GRAAAAH, that's what Hanschen said!"
And then it laughed again. "You're used to working. Some things don't need it."
So... not much more I can say about MD-Friend's relationship status. And so I ask Hanschen, "Why are visions starting up again?! The last time I had inexplicable visions about hooking up through a play, it led to THIS!"
And then I had a flashback of me and Hanschen as Native Americans. He told me, "Everything in the world has potential, little sister. Spirit just shows you what has MOST potential so we don't go crazy."
-----
This morning, I realized that my chest has been hurting on and off since opening night.
Nothing's actually WRONG with it though; I didn't fall wrong or hit anything in rehearsal or performances, there's nothing up with my lungs/ribs/back, there's no WAY I can be getting medical fatigue after three months of practicing, and yet that very specific spot in the middle of my chest keeps acting up with a dull, throbbing ache whenever I'm thinking about Wes or MD-Friend.
Or all the shit I've been going through, really.
And then last night Wendla went, "Oh, sweetie--your heart hurts." And she gave me a hug, but it didn't make the ache stop.
So I ask what the hell is up and Hanschen says pointedly, "Inexplicable pain means something's wrong up here."
"...Yes, Hanschen. EVERYTHING'S wrong up here. Can you guys do anything about it?"
And he goes, "Even if we could, we probably shouldn't or it'd just end up worse later on. Sometimes you just need to let it hurt."
That is not the answer I want, so I go "JFDKLSAJL Fuck you and your shaman talk!" and hug Moritz for a few minutes.
And then Hanschen hugged me and said, "It's going to hurt less, later on."
The literal heartache might also be because my family's starting to have that week-long "YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE, CROSSOVERQUEEN!" "But I do." "WELL, YOU DON'T DO ENOUGH!" talk again.
Not good for staying out of the Otherworld (outside of theater). Still, at least I'm keeping it mostly to morning and evening meditations.
And it's half an hour to call time, so I should get back in four-ish hours.