'Cause I'm broken!
Well I had intended on writing in here about a week ago, but I never quite made it. Well now my body is filled with emotion's and I can't hold it in any longer. So I'm here listening to my new favorite song "Broken" by Seether feat. Amy Lee (you should check it out!) It's 1:11am and I'm ready to write.
A week ago, when I first wanted to write this entry I had nothing but good news, so that's where I'm going to start for now! I guess we have to go a little furthur back than a week. We have to go back to Thurs. April, 29. It was the first day of my life. I went to Weight Wathers to try to loose the 15lbs that have been hauting me for the past year or so. So I was really excited that I got off my ass and decided to do something about myself. That was also the day that Nick got his new job! He now works at a shop with regular hours and insurance and the whole SHA-BANG! So that was really awesome news! He just finished his first week at his new job and he really loves it, so that's even better!!
Ok, now flash to today. I've been working really hard, and eating only what Weight Watchers told me to eat and I only lost 1/2lb. OMG! Talk about worthless, and pointless? It's so frustrating to me! Why are there girls who weight 109lbs and I can't get lower than 125? And that was back in high school! I'm no where near there now!
Some more cool information is that my bestest friend Tiffany is home for the summer! I really don't have any words for how happy that makes me and how excited I was when she got home! A couple days before she got home I would hear songs on the radio in my car that would remind me of her and I would just smile! Smile like I've never smiled before, because I know we are going to have more of thoes "good times" again this summer, and I can't wait for them! Words can't really express my love for Tiffany. She is my partner in crime. She knows what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, even before I say it. She's always there when I need her and I know she'll be there for me in the future whenever I may need her. Unfortunately there have been bumps in our 7 year friendship, only 2 bumps though. 2 times through the cource of our friendship that argued and didn't talk for awhile. We both said things we didn't mean, did things we regret and thankfully we worked through them. But I can definately say that thoes periods in my life were probably my worst. My life just isn't complete with her in my life. We do stupid things together, we drink together, we get lost, and then laugh about it 5min later. We always have a story to tell about something we did or something that happened to us! My frienship with her is the best friendship I think I've ever had! Well Tiff....here's to SUMMER 2004!
Speaking of Tiffany, she fits right into my next topic. Last night her and I went over to see my friend's (the twins) Brandon & Justin's new house out in Waterford! I think it was probably the most beautiful house I have ever seen. And it was just like absolutely perfect, it's really like my dream house! I love being outdoors and they have a house on a lake, with a little boat, and a bonfire and everything. I could have stayed out there all night, no matter how cold it got. I could have driven around in that boat all night. Just to feel the wind in your hair, smell the gas of the boat and see the quiet beauty of nature is just so relaxing and comforting at the same time.
If that isn't enough, I would have to say that Brandon & Justin are two the most amazing people I think I have ever met. (I hope you guys are reading this!) Their awesome intellegence earns them all my respect. As I am struggling to get my associates degree for Medical Assistant (and thinking I'm so cool and smart) they are working their way into and through medical school. Both EMT's before the age of 20, and studying everyday to become the amazing doctors that they will one day become! Because I'm too stupid to become a nurse, I decided to take the easy way out and become a Medical Assistant. I feel like such a loser! I can't even pass Biology and they are headed into medical school like it's the easiest thing they've ever done. On top of that Justin has a really awesome digital camera and just so happens to take some of the most beautiful pictures I've ever seen. I love to take pictures too, but I never took ones of nature like he did. I just take them of parties with me and my friends drunk and having a great time to put in an album and save for whem I'm old one day! I definately decided that I wanted to take a photography class, but seeing Justin's photo's really helped push me to it. I don't think I can manage it in my schedule this summer, but maybe in the fall? As soon as I can really! And until then, I think I'm going to do a bit more playing with my camera. That will also give me a hobby, since I really don't have one anyway. Nick actually brought it to my attention that I really don't have a hobby other than shopping and drinking with Tiffany.
Despite me feeling less than perfect that night, I did have a lot of fun. It was great to see Justin after it's been so long. It was great to see their house. It was great to actually talk to their mom and to have actually met her. And to see Justin's beautiful pictures. I really need to spend some more time with my digital camera and learn everything it does. I really hope to spend some more time with the twins this summer! They are great guys! (so if you guys are reading this, call me sometime eh?)
Well, it's 2am and I'm ready for bed now. But just one more thing before I go. I went to go see Grandpa today and it was really hard for me. He was really confused today and what really upset's me is when he says that the TV station's that are all fuzzy, well he says that something will come on in a minute, "It'll be on in a minute!" If you don't understand why that is so upsetting to me, it's because my Grandpa was a self-employed TV repair man. He knew TV's like the back of his hand...and now, he doesn't understand what snow is on a channel that doesn't come in?
To add to the depression of my life right now, Matt still hasn't called me. It's been, I would have to say, over a month since he got the letter I wrote him, and not so much as one tiny phone call? It really hurts ya know? I really thought alot of Matt. Clearly liking him for over 2 years shows that, and now dating someone I love very much and having to change my feelings for Matt to a more friendly love. I'm not going to lie, it was definately a challenge, but I can take it. Matt put me through enough as it is. I still love him as a friend and the fact that he act's so wierd around me, and won't call me and stuff....it hurst me really bad!! I just wish he would talk to me, something anything. I really wish that we could put the past behind us too, yes I liked him, I'm sorry, is that a crime? NO, it's a form of flattery and I cared about him very much and I think he just thought of me as a little pesky fat chick who liked him and wouldn't leave him alone? Matt I'm sorry I cared for you, I'm sorry I still do so much, I'm sorry this bothers me so much, but one day you're going to wish it did and I'm not going to be here!!!
I'm so sad, and I'm so tired and I feel like I'm being pulled in every direction! With Grandpa, school, Nick, Tiffany, all my other friends? ...sometimes I don't know what to do? Nick want's to see me, but I can't ignore my friends, but I haven't seen grandpa in 2 days, and I have a test tomorrow? This is what my life is like? Not to mention the occasional my mom calling me up and bitching to me about how much of a bitch her fucking sister is. I feel dizzy anytime I think about all this stuff. And the last time I got this drained, I had a seizure. It was a couple months back, my mom didn't make me tell the doctor, but her and I were fighting real bad and I also had the worst stomach pain of my life. So I'm trying to avoid a seizure when I know that everything building up isn't helping? But what can I do...? That's just it, I have to do everything and be everything! Girlfriend, daughter, friend, granddaughter, student, employee, friend, party girl, thin...do I need to continue? I'm starting medical termanology class on the 24th of may and I'm so terrified because everyone tell's me it's so hard. That's great, that's all I need. I have to pass this class.
It's at this point in the letter, when I'm quitting, I just can't write anymore! PEACE!
A week ago, when I first wanted to write this entry I had nothing but good news, so that's where I'm going to start for now! I guess we have to go a little furthur back than a week. We have to go back to Thurs. April, 29. It was the first day of my life. I went to Weight Wathers to try to loose the 15lbs that have been hauting me for the past year or so. So I was really excited that I got off my ass and decided to do something about myself. That was also the day that Nick got his new job! He now works at a shop with regular hours and insurance and the whole SHA-BANG! So that was really awesome news! He just finished his first week at his new job and he really loves it, so that's even better!!
Ok, now flash to today. I've been working really hard, and eating only what Weight Watchers told me to eat and I only lost 1/2lb. OMG! Talk about worthless, and pointless? It's so frustrating to me! Why are there girls who weight 109lbs and I can't get lower than 125? And that was back in high school! I'm no where near there now!
Some more cool information is that my bestest friend Tiffany is home for the summer! I really don't have any words for how happy that makes me and how excited I was when she got home! A couple days before she got home I would hear songs on the radio in my car that would remind me of her and I would just smile! Smile like I've never smiled before, because I know we are going to have more of thoes "good times" again this summer, and I can't wait for them! Words can't really express my love for Tiffany. She is my partner in crime. She knows what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, even before I say it. She's always there when I need her and I know she'll be there for me in the future whenever I may need her. Unfortunately there have been bumps in our 7 year friendship, only 2 bumps though. 2 times through the cource of our friendship that argued and didn't talk for awhile. We both said things we didn't mean, did things we regret and thankfully we worked through them. But I can definately say that thoes periods in my life were probably my worst. My life just isn't complete with her in my life. We do stupid things together, we drink together, we get lost, and then laugh about it 5min later. We always have a story to tell about something we did or something that happened to us! My frienship with her is the best friendship I think I've ever had! Well Tiff....here's to SUMMER 2004!
Speaking of Tiffany, she fits right into my next topic. Last night her and I went over to see my friend's (the twins) Brandon & Justin's new house out in Waterford! I think it was probably the most beautiful house I have ever seen. And it was just like absolutely perfect, it's really like my dream house! I love being outdoors and they have a house on a lake, with a little boat, and a bonfire and everything. I could have stayed out there all night, no matter how cold it got. I could have driven around in that boat all night. Just to feel the wind in your hair, smell the gas of the boat and see the quiet beauty of nature is just so relaxing and comforting at the same time.
If that isn't enough, I would have to say that Brandon & Justin are two the most amazing people I think I have ever met. (I hope you guys are reading this!) Their awesome intellegence earns them all my respect. As I am struggling to get my associates degree for Medical Assistant (and thinking I'm so cool and smart) they are working their way into and through medical school. Both EMT's before the age of 20, and studying everyday to become the amazing doctors that they will one day become! Because I'm too stupid to become a nurse, I decided to take the easy way out and become a Medical Assistant. I feel like such a loser! I can't even pass Biology and they are headed into medical school like it's the easiest thing they've ever done. On top of that Justin has a really awesome digital camera and just so happens to take some of the most beautiful pictures I've ever seen. I love to take pictures too, but I never took ones of nature like he did. I just take them of parties with me and my friends drunk and having a great time to put in an album and save for whem I'm old one day! I definately decided that I wanted to take a photography class, but seeing Justin's photo's really helped push me to it. I don't think I can manage it in my schedule this summer, but maybe in the fall? As soon as I can really! And until then, I think I'm going to do a bit more playing with my camera. That will also give me a hobby, since I really don't have one anyway. Nick actually brought it to my attention that I really don't have a hobby other than shopping and drinking with Tiffany.
Despite me feeling less than perfect that night, I did have a lot of fun. It was great to see Justin after it's been so long. It was great to see their house. It was great to actually talk to their mom and to have actually met her. And to see Justin's beautiful pictures. I really need to spend some more time with my digital camera and learn everything it does. I really hope to spend some more time with the twins this summer! They are great guys! (so if you guys are reading this, call me sometime eh?)
Well, it's 2am and I'm ready for bed now. But just one more thing before I go. I went to go see Grandpa today and it was really hard for me. He was really confused today and what really upset's me is when he says that the TV station's that are all fuzzy, well he says that something will come on in a minute, "It'll be on in a minute!" If you don't understand why that is so upsetting to me, it's because my Grandpa was a self-employed TV repair man. He knew TV's like the back of his hand...and now, he doesn't understand what snow is on a channel that doesn't come in?
To add to the depression of my life right now, Matt still hasn't called me. It's been, I would have to say, over a month since he got the letter I wrote him, and not so much as one tiny phone call? It really hurts ya know? I really thought alot of Matt. Clearly liking him for over 2 years shows that, and now dating someone I love very much and having to change my feelings for Matt to a more friendly love. I'm not going to lie, it was definately a challenge, but I can take it. Matt put me through enough as it is. I still love him as a friend and the fact that he act's so wierd around me, and won't call me and stuff....it hurst me really bad!! I just wish he would talk to me, something anything. I really wish that we could put the past behind us too, yes I liked him, I'm sorry, is that a crime? NO, it's a form of flattery and I cared about him very much and I think he just thought of me as a little pesky fat chick who liked him and wouldn't leave him alone? Matt I'm sorry I cared for you, I'm sorry I still do so much, I'm sorry this bothers me so much, but one day you're going to wish it did and I'm not going to be here!!!
I'm so sad, and I'm so tired and I feel like I'm being pulled in every direction! With Grandpa, school, Nick, Tiffany, all my other friends? ...sometimes I don't know what to do? Nick want's to see me, but I can't ignore my friends, but I haven't seen grandpa in 2 days, and I have a test tomorrow? This is what my life is like? Not to mention the occasional my mom calling me up and bitching to me about how much of a bitch her fucking sister is. I feel dizzy anytime I think about all this stuff. And the last time I got this drained, I had a seizure. It was a couple months back, my mom didn't make me tell the doctor, but her and I were fighting real bad and I also had the worst stomach pain of my life. So I'm trying to avoid a seizure when I know that everything building up isn't helping? But what can I do...? That's just it, I have to do everything and be everything! Girlfriend, daughter, friend, granddaughter, student, employee, friend, party girl, thin...do I need to continue? I'm starting medical termanology class on the 24th of may and I'm so terrified because everyone tell's me it's so hard. That's great, that's all I need. I have to pass this class.
It's at this point in the letter, when I'm quitting, I just can't write anymore! PEACE!