.sleeping alone.
I had fun at work tonight, as unusual as that is- I never have fun at work. Probably because Connie wasn't there and I hadn't worked with Jax in awhile. But work was fun nonetheless.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore- is it even worth trying? I really really want it to be, I do, I think it's worth it. But at the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up with everyone telling me that if I do try, it will work out because he loves me so much, and then have it not work out. I would be crushed. Even lower than I am right now. I know I fucked up, I know I messed up, I'm not asking for him to just forget it happened and jump back into a relationship. All I'm asking for is a chance to prove to him that I am still that girl he fell in love with last November, and that I haven't completely changed, it wouldn't hurt this much if I wasn't. More than anything I would love to take all his pain away and add it to mine, I never meant to make him feel unappreciated or unimportant, I just didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want to fall so completely back in love him and have him tell me that he didn't know what he wants. And it didn't work. It didn't make me love him any less, all I did by pushing him away was make him hurt more. And I'm sorry for that, I'm so sorry. If I could back in time and redo it all, I would. I would give him the love and appreciation that he deserves. I hate feeling alone like this, not just physically alone, but literally alone. There's no one here to comfort me when I'm sad, or that I can go to crying and have them hold me and tell me everything will be ok. And it's all my fault, all of it. He says he needs time, I'm willing to give him all the time he needs, I'm willing to wait for him, I just don't want him to find someone else. If he needs time to decide who he is and what he wants, then I'm willing to let him do that [because I don't think it would be a bad idea for me to do that either] I'm just so scared of completely losing him to someone else, I don't think I could take that. We don't even have to be as serious, I don't think I want that right now, I'd much rather just cuddle and watch movies or hang out with a group of friends than go on a bunch of dates or get all physical. I just want him back in my life, I want us back. I'm willing to put in all the effort I have to make this relationship work because I felt something when I was with Brandon, something that I had never felt before with anyone else, and I'm damn well not giving that feeling up without a fight. And I understand that I will probably have to work twice as hard as he does to change my lifestyle back around, and I'm willing to do that. I don't want to cause him any more stress in his life, he already has enough. I want to be there with him to work through it. It scares me when he says it might not be just that he doesn't want to be with me, but rather that he doesn't want a relationship at all, because I think he does. But I think I've also hurt him so badly that he doesn't want to go through that again. And if there was anything I could do to prove it to him that I would never do that again, and didn't intend to in the first place, then I'd do it. Twice. Maybe I'm being irrational when I say this, but I think there is one person for everyone out there. And while I don't know if Brandon was my person, I do know that I had never felt the way I did when I was with him with anyone else. And I liked it, and I want it back. And I really do think we can have it back, I'm willing to work at this 100%, being my second priority after school to show him that we can be happy together again. And I know I can be happy without him, it's not that I'm co-dependent on a guy, I just know it will take alot longer. Because since his pain is my fault, then naturally I would want to alleviate it. Right now I would love to just drive over to his house and hold him all night long, not even talking, not even doing anything other than sleeping with him wrapped up in my arms to let him know how much I care. And how much I'm willing to try to make this work, I don't think I've ever been more determined with anything in my life, other than trying to convince my parents I should go to Columbia, haha. And I pray to God that deep down inside he still cares for me, he has to I would think or he wouldn't have stuck around for so long with my bullshit. And I know we'd still be together right now if it wasn't for my stubborness. But I had to do it, I thought maybe it would make him realize that he still does want me, and still does need me, but obviously my plans have a tendency to backfire lately. I just want him to want this to work as much as I do, and it hurts me because I don't think he does. Yes the last two months were not the greatest since Christmas Break, but the whole year before that was wonderful, and I'm not ready to throw all that away over two bad months. He says he can relate to how I'm feeling, but I don't think he can. He said he felt that way with Stephanie, how he wanted her so bad but she didn't want him, how I'm feeling that I want him back more than anything and am under the impression he wants nothing to do with me. But the difference is that he never really had her the way I had him. It's one thing to want something for a long time, but never get it, and completely another to have something and then lose it. Because in already having it, you realize just how much it matters to you. If you've never had it to begin with, you don't know if it's good or bad. And I know that what I had with Brandon was wonderful. Sure, we had our fights, but to me every time we worked through it, that just made my feelings that much stronger, it makes me feel like we can survive anything. And I really do think that if we work through this, we will have that much more of an honest, communicated, healthy relationship. Because I'm willing to do whatever I can to make sure that happens. I couldn't regret it more not doing that before, so far taking him for granted is definately on my biggest mistakes of my life list. Or at least it would be if I actually had one of those, hah. I'm so sorry I didn't try very hard before, but I think that in all Brandon and I have been through, that I at least deserve a chance to prove it to him that we can again be happy together. Because I don't just think we can, I know we can.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore- is it even worth trying? I really really want it to be, I do, I think it's worth it. But at the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up with everyone telling me that if I do try, it will work out because he loves me so much, and then have it not work out. I would be crushed. Even lower than I am right now. I know I fucked up, I know I messed up, I'm not asking for him to just forget it happened and jump back into a relationship. All I'm asking for is a chance to prove to him that I am still that girl he fell in love with last November, and that I haven't completely changed, it wouldn't hurt this much if I wasn't. More than anything I would love to take all his pain away and add it to mine, I never meant to make him feel unappreciated or unimportant, I just didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want to fall so completely back in love him and have him tell me that he didn't know what he wants. And it didn't work. It didn't make me love him any less, all I did by pushing him away was make him hurt more. And I'm sorry for that, I'm so sorry. If I could back in time and redo it all, I would. I would give him the love and appreciation that he deserves. I hate feeling alone like this, not just physically alone, but literally alone. There's no one here to comfort me when I'm sad, or that I can go to crying and have them hold me and tell me everything will be ok. And it's all my fault, all of it. He says he needs time, I'm willing to give him all the time he needs, I'm willing to wait for him, I just don't want him to find someone else. If he needs time to decide who he is and what he wants, then I'm willing to let him do that [because I don't think it would be a bad idea for me to do that either] I'm just so scared of completely losing him to someone else, I don't think I could take that. We don't even have to be as serious, I don't think I want that right now, I'd much rather just cuddle and watch movies or hang out with a group of friends than go on a bunch of dates or get all physical. I just want him back in my life, I want us back. I'm willing to put in all the effort I have to make this relationship work because I felt something when I was with Brandon, something that I had never felt before with anyone else, and I'm damn well not giving that feeling up without a fight. And I understand that I will probably have to work twice as hard as he does to change my lifestyle back around, and I'm willing to do that. I don't want to cause him any more stress in his life, he already has enough. I want to be there with him to work through it. It scares me when he says it might not be just that he doesn't want to be with me, but rather that he doesn't want a relationship at all, because I think he does. But I think I've also hurt him so badly that he doesn't want to go through that again. And if there was anything I could do to prove it to him that I would never do that again, and didn't intend to in the first place, then I'd do it. Twice. Maybe I'm being irrational when I say this, but I think there is one person for everyone out there. And while I don't know if Brandon was my person, I do know that I had never felt the way I did when I was with him with anyone else. And I liked it, and I want it back. And I really do think we can have it back, I'm willing to work at this 100%, being my second priority after school to show him that we can be happy together again. And I know I can be happy without him, it's not that I'm co-dependent on a guy, I just know it will take alot longer. Because since his pain is my fault, then naturally I would want to alleviate it. Right now I would love to just drive over to his house and hold him all night long, not even talking, not even doing anything other than sleeping with him wrapped up in my arms to let him know how much I care. And how much I'm willing to try to make this work, I don't think I've ever been more determined with anything in my life, other than trying to convince my parents I should go to Columbia, haha. And I pray to God that deep down inside he still cares for me, he has to I would think or he wouldn't have stuck around for so long with my bullshit. And I know we'd still be together right now if it wasn't for my stubborness. But I had to do it, I thought maybe it would make him realize that he still does want me, and still does need me, but obviously my plans have a tendency to backfire lately. I just want him to want this to work as much as I do, and it hurts me because I don't think he does. Yes the last two months were not the greatest since Christmas Break, but the whole year before that was wonderful, and I'm not ready to throw all that away over two bad months. He says he can relate to how I'm feeling, but I don't think he can. He said he felt that way with Stephanie, how he wanted her so bad but she didn't want him, how I'm feeling that I want him back more than anything and am under the impression he wants nothing to do with me. But the difference is that he never really had her the way I had him. It's one thing to want something for a long time, but never get it, and completely another to have something and then lose it. Because in already having it, you realize just how much it matters to you. If you've never had it to begin with, you don't know if it's good or bad. And I know that what I had with Brandon was wonderful. Sure, we had our fights, but to me every time we worked through it, that just made my feelings that much stronger, it makes me feel like we can survive anything. And I really do think that if we work through this, we will have that much more of an honest, communicated, healthy relationship. Because I'm willing to do whatever I can to make sure that happens. I couldn't regret it more not doing that before, so far taking him for granted is definately on my biggest mistakes of my life list. Or at least it would be if I actually had one of those, hah. I'm so sorry I didn't try very hard before, but I think that in all Brandon and I have been through, that I at least deserve a chance to prove it to him that we can again be happy together. Because I don't just think we can, I know we can.