.sometimes the two people that are meant to be together are the last ones to realize it.
I need to grow up. Seriously. I lost the best thing that's probably ever going to happen to me because I act like I'm still in highschool 90% of the time. Why? I'm not really sure, but I'll definately enlighten you when I find out. Regardless though, it has to change. Starting right now, at 3 am Saturday morning. So far this is what I have:
1. Less partying, by which I mean practically none. I will drive my friends if absolutely necessary [since I had the biggest guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach last night for not doing so] but I will not drink. Yes alcohol sounds absolutely awesome right now [since it has that wonderful forget-all-your-problems component] but I will not drink. Brandon told me that I had to choose either him or partying. Apparently he was serious. And I learned the hard way. Even if I already lost him, I'm doing this for me.
2. Actually study for once. I can pull decent grades by doing the bare minimum- skimming my textbooks and only doing homework when I have to turn something in. I want to see what exactly I'm capable of doing if I actually apply myself. I never really did in highschool and graduated Summa Cum Laude, and I definately haven't since I've came to Grand Valley, so I'd really like to see just how smart I can be. Not to mention, the better grades I have, the bigger chance I have of getting into a good Grad School, and as a result, the more money I'll make. Plus, this whole class thing that I've been quite uninterested in lately is really the whole reason I'm in college- to get a career, not build up my alcohol tolerance, so I better get intersted in it soon.
3. Be nice to people. I was a bitch in highschool, I really was. I did some horrible things to people that I'm not proud of, and feel terrible for doing them. When I came to Grand Valley last year, I changed that since I was disgusted with the person I was in highschool. I decided I didn't want to be remembered as that in both highschool and college, so I changed. And Brandon fell in love with me. Then, for reasons unknown, I started doing some of the same mean things I did in highschool this year, specifically at the beginning of winter semester and over Christmas break. And once again, I'm really starting to hate the person I'm turning into. Brandon noticed it, Sarah noticed it, I didn't want to accept it, and now neither of them is speaking to me because of it. I don't want to be that person, I want to be the girl who doesn't talk about people behind their backs, who doesn't leave pathetic nasty comments on livejournals, and who would go out of her way to make people feel better, like I did last year. I wanted to make everyone else happy before myself, which probably isn't the best idea either, but I was genuinely concerned about the well-being of others, and now all I care about is getting a good laugh or pissing people off. I don't want that. I'm 20 years old, not 12, grow the fuck up Theresa. Brandon loved me for who I am inside, not the superficial bitch I was in highschool. And I know it's probably too late to fix it, but like I said, I think this would also be good for me. I want people to like me for who I am, and not for who they want me to be.
I guess I just feel really lost right now. Before Christmas Break, my life was set: I had a wonderful boyfriend, things were going good with work, I had ended the semester with a 3.4 GPA, and I had wonderful friends. And now it's like I've lost everything, all in one week: Brandon doesn't want me anymore, it's either I get too many hours or too little hours at work, midterms are next week and I haven't even started thinking about studying, and Sarah will probably never speak to me again. I want it all to go back. I want a chance to start over and fix everything. It hurts me when Brandon says he doesn't even want to try and that our relationship isn't going to work. I know it can, because honestly, and this sounds so horrible, I haven't been trying up until now. I told him I would compromise when we would get into arguements about my partying, or about school, or about anything, but deep down inside, nothing changed. I assumed that he would just put up with it anyway. And he didn't. An'd I'd give anything to go back and actually put actions behind my words. To show him how much he means to me and how much better my life has been with him in it. I want him to feel that his opinion does matter, and that if something is bothering him, and I'll say I'll work on it, and he'll believe me. I want to show him that he is more important to me than partying, drinking, and instead of ditching him for my friends, I'll be choosing to spend time with him instead, even if we don't go out. I don't remember the last time other than Valentine's Day that we spent some quality time together, and I really miss it. I miss going over to his house and seeing his family. I miss being us, the way we used to be before I got so wrapped up in my stupid social life and neglected what is really important to me. And I honestly don't know what to do to fix it, with the way he's acting towards me right now, I almost don't think there is anything I can do to fix it. But if he's willing to give me the chance to show him that I can be that girl he fell in love with a year and three months ago, then I'm willing to try. He told me he felt like there was something missing, and I now understand what it is, at least from my standpoint: appreciation. I didn't make Brandon feel appreciated like I should have. I started taking everything for granted and didn't go out of my way to make him feel special anymore. And when I made him feel unwanted and that I didn't want to be around him and would rather be out partying, we started fighting alot. I would invite him over, and then sit on my damn computer while he was here- how rude is that? I used to tell him how rude I thought it was when other people do it and here I am being this huge hypocrite doing exactly what I say annoys me. We would go out to eat, and I would expect him to pay ALL THE TIME, even though I make three times what he does. Honestly, it wouldn't have killed me to pick up the tab once in awhile, it's not like I couldn't afford to with all the frivolous clothing purchases I made. I became so obsessed with looking good that I ended up losing the only person I ever wanted to impress in the first place. And I'm sorry for it, I'm sorry for everything. I hate it how I have to lose something before I realize how important it is to me, and also for me to realize how much I had changed- for the worse. Brandon Michael Tarabek, you are my everything and more, and if you're willing to give me the chance, I will do as much as I can to show you that so you can honestly believe it. It's not going to be easy, no one ever said it was going to be easy, but relationships are give and take, and lately I had been doing alot of the taking and none of the giving and I want a chance to change that- for good. It will be difficult, but there are some things in life that are just worth fighting for, and to me, this is one of them. He just needs to be willing to let me.
1. Less partying, by which I mean practically none. I will drive my friends if absolutely necessary [since I had the biggest guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach last night for not doing so] but I will not drink. Yes alcohol sounds absolutely awesome right now [since it has that wonderful forget-all-your-problems component] but I will not drink. Brandon told me that I had to choose either him or partying. Apparently he was serious. And I learned the hard way. Even if I already lost him, I'm doing this for me.
2. Actually study for once. I can pull decent grades by doing the bare minimum- skimming my textbooks and only doing homework when I have to turn something in. I want to see what exactly I'm capable of doing if I actually apply myself. I never really did in highschool and graduated Summa Cum Laude, and I definately haven't since I've came to Grand Valley, so I'd really like to see just how smart I can be. Not to mention, the better grades I have, the bigger chance I have of getting into a good Grad School, and as a result, the more money I'll make. Plus, this whole class thing that I've been quite uninterested in lately is really the whole reason I'm in college- to get a career, not build up my alcohol tolerance, so I better get intersted in it soon.
3. Be nice to people. I was a bitch in highschool, I really was. I did some horrible things to people that I'm not proud of, and feel terrible for doing them. When I came to Grand Valley last year, I changed that since I was disgusted with the person I was in highschool. I decided I didn't want to be remembered as that in both highschool and college, so I changed. And Brandon fell in love with me. Then, for reasons unknown, I started doing some of the same mean things I did in highschool this year, specifically at the beginning of winter semester and over Christmas break. And once again, I'm really starting to hate the person I'm turning into. Brandon noticed it, Sarah noticed it, I didn't want to accept it, and now neither of them is speaking to me because of it. I don't want to be that person, I want to be the girl who doesn't talk about people behind their backs, who doesn't leave pathetic nasty comments on livejournals, and who would go out of her way to make people feel better, like I did last year. I wanted to make everyone else happy before myself, which probably isn't the best idea either, but I was genuinely concerned about the well-being of others, and now all I care about is getting a good laugh or pissing people off. I don't want that. I'm 20 years old, not 12, grow the fuck up Theresa. Brandon loved me for who I am inside, not the superficial bitch I was in highschool. And I know it's probably too late to fix it, but like I said, I think this would also be good for me. I want people to like me for who I am, and not for who they want me to be.
I guess I just feel really lost right now. Before Christmas Break, my life was set: I had a wonderful boyfriend, things were going good with work, I had ended the semester with a 3.4 GPA, and I had wonderful friends. And now it's like I've lost everything, all in one week: Brandon doesn't want me anymore, it's either I get too many hours or too little hours at work, midterms are next week and I haven't even started thinking about studying, and Sarah will probably never speak to me again. I want it all to go back. I want a chance to start over and fix everything. It hurts me when Brandon says he doesn't even want to try and that our relationship isn't going to work. I know it can, because honestly, and this sounds so horrible, I haven't been trying up until now. I told him I would compromise when we would get into arguements about my partying, or about school, or about anything, but deep down inside, nothing changed. I assumed that he would just put up with it anyway. And he didn't. An'd I'd give anything to go back and actually put actions behind my words. To show him how much he means to me and how much better my life has been with him in it. I want him to feel that his opinion does matter, and that if something is bothering him, and I'll say I'll work on it, and he'll believe me. I want to show him that he is more important to me than partying, drinking, and instead of ditching him for my friends, I'll be choosing to spend time with him instead, even if we don't go out. I don't remember the last time other than Valentine's Day that we spent some quality time together, and I really miss it. I miss going over to his house and seeing his family. I miss being us, the way we used to be before I got so wrapped up in my stupid social life and neglected what is really important to me. And I honestly don't know what to do to fix it, with the way he's acting towards me right now, I almost don't think there is anything I can do to fix it. But if he's willing to give me the chance to show him that I can be that girl he fell in love with a year and three months ago, then I'm willing to try. He told me he felt like there was something missing, and I now understand what it is, at least from my standpoint: appreciation. I didn't make Brandon feel appreciated like I should have. I started taking everything for granted and didn't go out of my way to make him feel special anymore. And when I made him feel unwanted and that I didn't want to be around him and would rather be out partying, we started fighting alot. I would invite him over, and then sit on my damn computer while he was here- how rude is that? I used to tell him how rude I thought it was when other people do it and here I am being this huge hypocrite doing exactly what I say annoys me. We would go out to eat, and I would expect him to pay ALL THE TIME, even though I make three times what he does. Honestly, it wouldn't have killed me to pick up the tab once in awhile, it's not like I couldn't afford to with all the frivolous clothing purchases I made. I became so obsessed with looking good that I ended up losing the only person I ever wanted to impress in the first place. And I'm sorry for it, I'm sorry for everything. I hate it how I have to lose something before I realize how important it is to me, and also for me to realize how much I had changed- for the worse. Brandon Michael Tarabek, you are my everything and more, and if you're willing to give me the chance, I will do as much as I can to show you that so you can honestly believe it. It's not going to be easy, no one ever said it was going to be easy, but relationships are give and take, and lately I had been doing alot of the taking and none of the giving and I want a chance to change that- for good. It will be difficult, but there are some things in life that are just worth fighting for, and to me, this is one of them. He just needs to be willing to let me.