.don't settle for less when you are trying your best.
Two wednesdays ago was Brandon and I's one year anniversary. I was happy. I seriously thought that we were going to end up together in the long run. Hell, he was even talking about engagement rings online. And then I started thinking, would we even be sitting here if I hadn't practically gotten down on my hands and knees and begged him to stay with me? Twice already he has told me that he didn't know what he wanted and would rather be single than be with me. One of those times was over the summer. The other was at the beginning of September. Coincidentally, both of those times were also segments where he was talking to Stephanie again (and of course not telling me, big surprise there). And I can't get hurt again. If he isn't over her by now, then he's never going to be. All it takes is an IM, phone call, or email from her whining about how it just didn't work out with her latest ex so of course she has to come running back to Brandon. And I hate it. It's like she has him wrapped around her little finger, just waiting to be there for her whenever it doesn't work out with someone else. And I will never play second best. I want a boyfriend who wants to be with me, ALL THE TIME, regardless of what other whores call him. I want a boyfriend where I don't have to convince him to stay with me because he'll already know. And maybe Brandon really does love me right now, maybe he does seriously mean it when he's looking at engagement rings, but like I said, that all changes when Stephanie decides to have a bad day and give her little "Bdub" a phone call. All of a sudden, he is telling her how much he misses her and would like to go visit her at State and how he's unsure of what he wants with me. And it's not that he wants to be single and not in a serious relationship, it's that he doesn't want a serious relationship with me. He wants her, and he just can't seem to notice the fact that she only calls him when the first choice didn't work out. Yeah, well maybe he's content in being the consolation prize, but I am not. While I am still terrified of being single, considering I haven't really been since oh, maybe 7th grade, but I'd rather be single with the possibility of never finding anyone else, than in a relationship with someone who would rather be with someone else. And like I said at the beginning, we did have a nice one year anniversary, and I did get an expensive ring, but would any of that happened had I not put in three times the amount of effort he was in order to make this relationship work? Probably not. He wanted to be single (aka, be with Stephanie), I didn't let him. But what if I had? Everyone else was telling me to just let him go, I deserved better (especially when he did it to me the second time). Any normal person would have realized, hmm he doesn't know what he wants again, maybe he never will, maybe I should just save myself some more hurt in the long run and let him go. But I didn't. Of course not, I was too scared to end up alone and I really thought Brandon was the only one for me. Do I still feel that way? I don't know, while I know I love Brandon, it's hard to really love someone when you know they're obviously not as committed to the relationship as you are. And I'm not willing to get hurt again. Sure I could delete her from his buddy list, out of his phone, sever all ties from her, but that doesn't mean he still wouldn't want to talk to her, or that she can't still contact him. And I shouldn't have to do that anyway. He should be the one doing those things. He should be the one sitting there thinking, "wow, I really have something good going with Theresa, maybe I should just get Stephanie out of my life since she's only using me anyway." But of course boys aren't that smart and never think the way you want/hope they would. Any advice on this situation would be helpful. Is it my turn to drop the "I don't know what I want" or should I once again, try to hold onto something that may not even be worth it...