.you waited for me in the rain in the parking lot.
The wind outside sounds like my window is going to just cave in any second. Sweet. Since Im not terrified of tornados or anything. Something's really been bothering me lately, and I can't figure out what the hell it is which ends up making me more frustrated. I guess I just feel like something's missing from my life. I've never had a best friend. Everyone had their best friend in kindergarten, you know, the one who thought it was funny to throw the rocks down the slide or have jumping contests off the swings with. Not me. I moved from St. Clair Shores to Chelsea when I was 7, everyone had already formed their elementary school cliques and I was the "new kid." So in third grade I finally met Ashley and Jessie. But that's just it, it was "Ashley and Jessie" who had been friends since they were four and whose mom's were even friends, so they would always hang out with each other before hanging out with me. Not that this really bothered me, I was in third grade, boys still had cooties back then. I was just happy to finally have some friends. And then there was middle school. Everyone always remembers middle school as being this ridiculously embarassing time in their life. Other than my incredibly thick bangs and desire to only buy clothes from Limited Too, I don't remember anything horribly wrong with middle school. Except that I still didn't have a best friend. Sure, I had alot more friends by now, but there was always that one person that everyone was better friends with, would call to go shopping with, and just rather hang out with, than me. And the few times I actually thought I had finally found one, they ended up being a back stabbing bitch or if it's a guy, they develop some stupid crush on me & it ruins everything. I don't get it, everyone has that one person they call when they have a fight with the significant other, bad day at work, or just plain need to talk to someone, and they drop whatever the hell they're doing and listen. And yes, usually Brandon does that for me, as he is my boyfriend, and I'm very thankful for him putting up with all my shit, but when Brandon & I happen to get into a fight, I just feel so alone. Everyone out there has at least one person that they would rather talk to than me. And I know it sounds so stuck-up and selfish, but what the fuck, it's how I feel- how come I can't ever be that person? And people will tell me, "Oh I'm here for you whenever you need to talk" but it seems like everytime I do take someone up on that offer, they're too busy/distracted and end with a "hey-i'll-call-you-back-later" which you might as well just say you don't want to talk to me instead, because we both know that's what it's going to result in. I thought things would get better once I came to college and stopped being so close-minded & superficial, but I guess I was wrong. I just don't get it anymore. And I know it always seems like I only write about the bad things in here, but like I said, I don't feel I have anyone else to talk to, so I write instead. Even though I can't really, I've never been really good with trying to formulate my thoughts and feelings into words. Which is why it's so hard to try and explain this because I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with it, or what I'm trying to get out of it. And believe it or not, I usually am pretty happy. But the last few weeks or so, I just haven't really felt like me anymore. Maybe it's because school started, who knows. Or bowling, getting rid of that shit would solve alot of problems. I miss the summer... yeah so I didn't really have anyone to hang out with this summer because I decided it was a good idea to stay here instead of going home, and yeah having no air conditioning with 100 degree days was one of the worst experiences of my life, but somehow, I still sit here and wish I could just go back and make it last just a little bit longer. On a little bit of a more positive side, I've been talking to Rob alot lately. He just got back from Afganistan and is currently in North Carolina so we've just been talking online. But he seems genuinely interested in the pointless things I have to say and the stupid comments that I make, so it makes me feel a little better knowing that at least someone thinks I'm worth something. And I'm not saying that everyone thinks I'm completely worthless, only that other than Brandon, I just don't feel like anyone really cares. But then again, why should they? It's not their life anyway. For example, and yes I'm using real names because I really just don't care anymore- I'd rather tell the truth than keep pretending, Jeff and I used to be pretty close. I'd wake up in the middle of the night pissed off about something, or just needing to talk to someone, and he'd listen. Or up at the lakehouse he'd come over and we'd just sit there, staring out at the lake, not even talking really, but it was just comforting knowing that had I wanted to talk, he would listen. And then he fell in love with me. And I didn't feel the same way. And now we barely talk minus the comments that he seems to leave all over every online journal/website that I have. I just don't see why people can't just get past those feelings and remain friends- is it really that hard? Or, when he started dating Jennie, all he would ever do was talk about Jennie, or see Jennie, or not have time for anyone except Jennie because he wanted to make it clear that he had found someone else, and that I just wasn't worth it anymore. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO JUST BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE AND HAVE IT STAY THAT WAY? The caps aren't really meant to be that I'm yelling, only that I'm extremely frustrated. And obviously this is only referring to guys, girls are more likely to do what Chelsea did. Chelsea and I were pretty good friends in highschool, hell I might even say best friends when she was mad at Megan (or "Manla" we loved to make up mean nicknames for her but yet Chelsea still stayed friends with her in the end). Anyway, and then she started dating Roland, my boyfriend at the time's (Frank, yeah, real winner that one was) older brother who didn't like me, and decided that because Roland didn't like me, she didn't like me anymore either. But of course she never told me this, and continued to pretend to be friends with me, while she was telling everyone else how immature or stuck-up she thought I was- not that either of those were lies while I was in highschool, but it's the behind the back part that bothered me. Why couldn't she just tell me? I've never had a problem telling people how I feel about them, and I don't see why this concept is so hard for everyone else to do. Either way, word finally got back to me about the shit that she was saying so obviously, our "friendship" ended pretty fast after that. And it seems like every other "best friend" that I've ever had, fits into one of those two categories: they find someone else they would rather hang out with more, or decide that they just don't like me anymore, but would rather tell anyone else this realization except for me of course. I guess I just feel like I'm missing out on what everyone else already has by having that person in their life, and don't know what the hell to do to attempt to fix it. This really isn't like me either to be whining like this about not having a best friend, but it's just been getting to me lately. Whatever, I'm done thinking about this now, I'd rather do a pointless survey because I still can't fall asleep of course...
PS: So I just decided to check the xanga I never update anymore & see 2 lovely anonymous comments about how ugly my boyfriend is and how I'm such a whore. For fucking Christ's sake, can't people just grow up already? The sad part is that I'm almost positive it's not someone that even knows me and it's really pathetic that they have nothing better to do with their time.
x. Name: theresa
x. Birthdate: 1.5.86
x. Birthplace: detroit.
x. Current Location: allendale.
x. Eye Color: green & some other colors..
x. Hair Color: dark brown & carmel.
x. Height: short.
x. Weight: 113.
x. Righty or Lefty: right.
x. Zodiac Sign: capricorn.
x. Your nationality: german.
x. Shoes You Wore Today: pink adidas.
x. Your Fears: the dark, clowns, public restrooms, dying young, heights, tornados.
x. Your Perfect Pizza: sick of pizza.
x. Goal You would Like To Achieve: happiness, better GPA, some direction in life.
x. What Did You Do Yesterday: work, salon, subway, bowling, sleep.
x. What Did You Do Today: class, subway, speedway, discount tire, mall, movies, dinner, mario, sleep eventually.
x. What Are You Going To Do Tomorrow: amway grand with Brandon.
x. Pepsi or Coke: pepsi vanilla.
x. McDonald`s or Burger King: BK.
x. Single or Group Dates: group.
x. Adidas or Nike: adidas.
x. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: idc.
x. Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla.
x. Cappuccino or Coffee: neither.
x. Real World or Road Rules: both suck.
x. Boxers or briefs? boxers.
x. Timely or always late: always late. for everything.
x. Long or short hair? long.
x. Rather marry the perfect lover or perfect friend: perfect friend. by far.
x. Smoke: if im wasted.
x. Cuss: yes.
x. Take A Shower Everyday: yes, sometimes twice.
x. Think You`ve Been In Love: yes.
x. Do you believe in love at first sight: no.
x. Like High School: parts of it.
x. Believe In Yourself: hah.
x. Think You`re Pretty: not particularly.
x. Get Motion Sickness: from spinny rides like the gravatron.
x. Get Along With Your Parents: yes i miss them.
x. Like Thunderstorms: fuck yes.
x. Think You`re A Health Freak: far from it.
FOR/AGAINST
x. Abortion: depends on the circumstances.
x. Suicide: against.
x. Gay Marriages: idc.
x. Gay Relationships: idc.
x. Marilyn Manson: idc.
x. Avril Lavigne: ew.
x. Underage Drinking: FOR.
x. Premarital Sex: for.
IN THE PAST MONTH
x. Drank Alcohol: 3 days ago and it was great.
x. Smoked: no.
x. Done A Drug: no.
x. Made Out: no.
x. Gone To The Mall: yes.
x. Eaten an Entire Box Of Oreos: gross.
x. Eaten Sushi: yes and it was disgusting, thank you Brandon.
x. Been Dumped: no.
x. Gone Skating: no.
x. Gone Skinny Dipping: never.
x. Dyed Your Hair: yesterday.
x. Stolen Anything: no.
HAVE YOU EVER
x. Played a Game That Required Removal Of Clothing: padiddle, strip poker/euchre.
x. Been Trashed or Extremely Intoxicated: yes.
x. Been Caught "Doing Something": no.
x. Gotten Beat Up: no.
x. Shoplifted: yes.
x. Been Called a Tease: does whore count?
x. Cheated on anyone: no.
x. Been cheated on: several times.
x. Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird: yes.
x. Yelled: yes.
x. Been to Canada: yes & i would go back in a heartbeat.
x. Danced naked: never.
x. Worst feeling in the world: the one i have right now.
x. What is the first thing you think of in the morning: 5 more minutes.
x. IF you could change anything about yourself what would that be: it'd be nice to be taller.
x. What do you really hate: people who don't use their blinkers, celebrities, nextel phones, cheaters, LYING, pop quizzes, people who think they are better than everyone, getting sick, ANONYMOUS COMMENTS, picking favorites, highschool drama, bees, driving in the snow, designer handbags (AKA Louis Vuitton, Dior, etc- SO overrated).
x. Where do you shop at the most: abercrombie or hollister.
x. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use: paul mitchell super skinny.
x. What are you listening to right now: smashing pumpkins.
x. Do you have your own phone line: cell.
x. What's your worst memory in the past 5 years: anything related to McDonald's and/or Frank.
x. Who do you really dislike: Frank St. Amand, Connie Carr, Benita Music, Brandy Roberts, Stephanie Rea, & anyone that is still stuck in highschool.
x. Who do you really like: Brandon, Sarah, Cass, Chad, Val, JR, Rob, Chris, E, Em, Jo, Greg.
x. What are you wearing right now: pink fuzzy pants & white sheer tank top.
x. How many times a day do you brush your teeth: before i go to bed & after i wake up or eat anything.
x. Do you have braces: no & never did.
x. Do you have nail polish on: no.
x. What are you thinking right now: everything.
x. What's it doing outside right now: rainy, windy, dark.
x. Who of your friends do you think will get married first: Emily.
x. What is the best show on MTV: Viva La Bam.
x. What is the worst show on MTV: everything else.
x. What car do you drive: 1999 escort wagon.
x. What's your house gonna look like: brick with double doors.
x. What does your ideal girlfriend/boyfriend look like: it honestly doesn't matter, as long as he's crazy about me & appreciates me. And makes me laugh, I love to laugh.
x. What's your dream date: wine & sunset on the beach.
x. Want To Get Married: it'd be nice someday.
x. Age You Hope To Be Married: 22+.
x. Numbers and Names of Children: 2- Alexa Rochelle & Tyler Michael.
x. How You Want To Die: old sleeping.
x. College You Want To Attend: at GVSU.
x. Where Do You Want To Live: i think i like west michigan.
x. Where Would You Most Like To Visit: Italy.
x. What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up: i have no clue.
x. Number of Drugs Taken Illegally: 2.
x. Number of People I Could Trust With My Life: one.. sometimes.
x. Number of CDs I Own: way too many.
x. Number of Piercings and Where: 10, 4 in each ear, nose, bellybutton.
x. Number of Tattoos and Where: none.
x. Number of Times My Name Has Appeared In The Newspaper: i have no idea.
x. Number of Scars on My Body: one.
x. Number of Things In My Past That I Regret: a lot.
FAVORITES
x. What are your favorite radio stations: 89x & 97.9
x. What's your favorite Drink: sex on the beach, sweet tart lollipop.
x. What's your favorite Animal: dog.
x. What's your favorite Holiday: halloween.
x. What's your favorite quote: "all our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. we choose partners and change partners. we dance a song of heartbrak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us."
x. What's your favorite Ice cream flavor: considering i can only have sherbert, it'd have to be raspberry sherbert.
x. What's your favorite Song: iris - googoo dolls.
x. What's your favorite Movie: the butterfly effect.
x. What's your favorite Place: CANADA.
x. What's your favorite Game: padiddle.
x. What's your favorite Scent: A&F fierce.. mmm hot.
x. What are your favorite shoes: flip flops.
LAST PERSON WHO...
x. Slept in your bed: me & Brandon.
x. Saw you cry: idk, Chad?
x. Made you cry: life.
x. Spent night at your house: Brandon, Tom, Adam.
x. You shared a drink with: Sarah.
x. Went to the movies with: Chad.
x. Went to the mall with: Chad.
x. Yelled at you: Connie.
x. Sent you an e-mail: Rob.
x. Called you: Kevin.
x. You called: Emily.
x. Last noise you heard: wind outside, music on my computer.
x. Last time you went out of the state: lorain, ohio for bowling.
.One day you're going to wake up and realize how much she matters to you, and when that day comes, she'll be waking up to the guy that already knew. <3
PS: So I just decided to check the xanga I never update anymore & see 2 lovely anonymous comments about how ugly my boyfriend is and how I'm such a whore. For fucking Christ's sake, can't people just grow up already? The sad part is that I'm almost positive it's not someone that even knows me and it's really pathetic that they have nothing better to do with their time.
x. Name: theresa
x. Birthdate: 1.5.86
x. Birthplace: detroit.
x. Current Location: allendale.
x. Eye Color: green & some other colors..
x. Hair Color: dark brown & carmel.
x. Height: short.
x. Weight: 113.
x. Righty or Lefty: right.
x. Zodiac Sign: capricorn.
x. Your nationality: german.
x. Shoes You Wore Today: pink adidas.
x. Your Fears: the dark, clowns, public restrooms, dying young, heights, tornados.
x. Your Perfect Pizza: sick of pizza.
x. Goal You would Like To Achieve: happiness, better GPA, some direction in life.
x. What Did You Do Yesterday: work, salon, subway, bowling, sleep.
x. What Did You Do Today: class, subway, speedway, discount tire, mall, movies, dinner, mario, sleep eventually.
x. What Are You Going To Do Tomorrow: amway grand with Brandon.
x. Pepsi or Coke: pepsi vanilla.
x. McDonald`s or Burger King: BK.
x. Single or Group Dates: group.
x. Adidas or Nike: adidas.
x. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: idc.
x. Chocolate or Vanilla: vanilla.
x. Cappuccino or Coffee: neither.
x. Real World or Road Rules: both suck.
x. Boxers or briefs? boxers.
x. Timely or always late: always late. for everything.
x. Long or short hair? long.
x. Rather marry the perfect lover or perfect friend: perfect friend. by far.
x. Smoke: if im wasted.
x. Cuss: yes.
x. Take A Shower Everyday: yes, sometimes twice.
x. Think You`ve Been In Love: yes.
x. Do you believe in love at first sight: no.
x. Like High School: parts of it.
x. Believe In Yourself: hah.
x. Think You`re Pretty: not particularly.
x. Get Motion Sickness: from spinny rides like the gravatron.
x. Get Along With Your Parents: yes i miss them.
x. Like Thunderstorms: fuck yes.
x. Think You`re A Health Freak: far from it.
FOR/AGAINST
x. Abortion: depends on the circumstances.
x. Suicide: against.
x. Gay Marriages: idc.
x. Gay Relationships: idc.
x. Marilyn Manson: idc.
x. Avril Lavigne: ew.
x. Underage Drinking: FOR.
x. Premarital Sex: for.
IN THE PAST MONTH
x. Drank Alcohol: 3 days ago and it was great.
x. Smoked: no.
x. Done A Drug: no.
x. Made Out: no.
x. Gone To The Mall: yes.
x. Eaten an Entire Box Of Oreos: gross.
x. Eaten Sushi: yes and it was disgusting, thank you Brandon.
x. Been Dumped: no.
x. Gone Skating: no.
x. Gone Skinny Dipping: never.
x. Dyed Your Hair: yesterday.
x. Stolen Anything: no.
HAVE YOU EVER
x. Played a Game That Required Removal Of Clothing: padiddle, strip poker/euchre.
x. Been Trashed or Extremely Intoxicated: yes.
x. Been Caught "Doing Something": no.
x. Gotten Beat Up: no.
x. Shoplifted: yes.
x. Been Called a Tease: does whore count?
x. Cheated on anyone: no.
x. Been cheated on: several times.
x. Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird: yes.
x. Yelled: yes.
x. Been to Canada: yes & i would go back in a heartbeat.
x. Danced naked: never.
x. Worst feeling in the world: the one i have right now.
x. What is the first thing you think of in the morning: 5 more minutes.
x. IF you could change anything about yourself what would that be: it'd be nice to be taller.
x. What do you really hate: people who don't use their blinkers, celebrities, nextel phones, cheaters, LYING, pop quizzes, people who think they are better than everyone, getting sick, ANONYMOUS COMMENTS, picking favorites, highschool drama, bees, driving in the snow, designer handbags (AKA Louis Vuitton, Dior, etc- SO overrated).
x. Where do you shop at the most: abercrombie or hollister.
x. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use: paul mitchell super skinny.
x. What are you listening to right now: smashing pumpkins.
x. Do you have your own phone line: cell.
x. What's your worst memory in the past 5 years: anything related to McDonald's and/or Frank.
x. Who do you really dislike: Frank St. Amand, Connie Carr, Benita Music, Brandy Roberts, Stephanie Rea, & anyone that is still stuck in highschool.
x. Who do you really like: Brandon, Sarah, Cass, Chad, Val, JR, Rob, Chris, E, Em, Jo, Greg.
x. What are you wearing right now: pink fuzzy pants & white sheer tank top.
x. How many times a day do you brush your teeth: before i go to bed & after i wake up or eat anything.
x. Do you have braces: no & never did.
x. Do you have nail polish on: no.
x. What are you thinking right now: everything.
x. What's it doing outside right now: rainy, windy, dark.
x. Who of your friends do you think will get married first: Emily.
x. What is the best show on MTV: Viva La Bam.
x. What is the worst show on MTV: everything else.
x. What car do you drive: 1999 escort wagon.
x. What's your house gonna look like: brick with double doors.
x. What does your ideal girlfriend/boyfriend look like: it honestly doesn't matter, as long as he's crazy about me & appreciates me. And makes me laugh, I love to laugh.
x. What's your dream date: wine & sunset on the beach.
x. Want To Get Married: it'd be nice someday.
x. Age You Hope To Be Married: 22+.
x. Numbers and Names of Children: 2- Alexa Rochelle & Tyler Michael.
x. How You Want To Die: old sleeping.
x. College You Want To Attend: at GVSU.
x. Where Do You Want To Live: i think i like west michigan.
x. Where Would You Most Like To Visit: Italy.
x. What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up: i have no clue.
x. Number of Drugs Taken Illegally: 2.
x. Number of People I Could Trust With My Life: one.. sometimes.
x. Number of CDs I Own: way too many.
x. Number of Piercings and Where: 10, 4 in each ear, nose, bellybutton.
x. Number of Tattoos and Where: none.
x. Number of Times My Name Has Appeared In The Newspaper: i have no idea.
x. Number of Scars on My Body: one.
x. Number of Things In My Past That I Regret: a lot.
FAVORITES
x. What are your favorite radio stations: 89x & 97.9
x. What's your favorite Drink: sex on the beach, sweet tart lollipop.
x. What's your favorite Animal: dog.
x. What's your favorite Holiday: halloween.
x. What's your favorite quote: "all our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. we choose partners and change partners. we dance a song of heartbrak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us."
x. What's your favorite Ice cream flavor: considering i can only have sherbert, it'd have to be raspberry sherbert.
x. What's your favorite Song: iris - googoo dolls.
x. What's your favorite Movie: the butterfly effect.
x. What's your favorite Place: CANADA.
x. What's your favorite Game: padiddle.
x. What's your favorite Scent: A&F fierce.. mmm hot.
x. What are your favorite shoes: flip flops.
LAST PERSON WHO...
x. Slept in your bed: me & Brandon.
x. Saw you cry: idk, Chad?
x. Made you cry: life.
x. Spent night at your house: Brandon, Tom, Adam.
x. You shared a drink with: Sarah.
x. Went to the movies with: Chad.
x. Went to the mall with: Chad.
x. Yelled at you: Connie.
x. Sent you an e-mail: Rob.
x. Called you: Kevin.
x. You called: Emily.
x. Last noise you heard: wind outside, music on my computer.
x. Last time you went out of the state: lorain, ohio for bowling.
.One day you're going to wake up and realize how much she matters to you, and when that day comes, she'll be waking up to the guy that already knew. <3