push it back down, black out
my god, what is with this nightmare year? it seems like all my friends this year is having a really rough time of it.
- cancer: one friend's dad, another friend's mom, another friend's friend.
- stroke: one friend's mom
- death: one friend's friend, one friend's grandpa....................... and my cat
- clinical mental illness: so many people. so. many. people.
i know it sounds really kooky, but either the world is just... having a colossal hissy fit, or i'm right and everyone around me becomes extremely unlucky. i'm actually believing that it's the world though, weirdly enough. just, so many full moons, and the weather being insane. what's going on, 2010?
ugh, i'm really sorry about yesterday, too. it was a spectacularly bad day, and i was feeling really overwhelmed. my housemate asked me what was wrong as we were going out to dinner, and a simple explanation turned into me having a mini explosion, complete with raised voice and almost-tears and sudden inability to breathe. he was really nice, really surprisingly sweet about it, and told me calmly that it's not my fault, and that stupidity/mental damage isn't the reason why i'm messing up. i still felt like shit, and as time went on i couldn't concentrate, and kept sporadically hitting myself hard on the side of the head-- he kept trying to get me to calm down, and i feel kinda bad about it now because it must've been so embarrassing, being out in public with someone who kept randomly thwapping themselves upside the head. we got home, and i wrote yesterday's post at the peak of everything, when i'd accelerated past the crying stage into the numb-logical-suicidal stage. luckily, my housemate seemed to know what i was thinking, 'cause after that post he saw me walking into the kitchen, and called me over to watch the NBA and drink with him in the living room instead. so i drank, wrote an email to my older brother, and went to sleep.
this morning (and afternoon), my older brother contacted me. we both grew up in very different circumstances, but we've both suffered from mental unwell...ness at some point or other (him a lot moreso than me, seeing as how his mother was fucking psychotic). i've never explained to him how bad my headspace can be, and quite honestly i think he just thinks i'm being immature and whiny, but he was still very supportive, and was encouraging me to take a sick day just so i could recuperate. i didn't do that in the end, which turned out to be the right decision, but it was really nice to feel like i wasn't just being wussy and incompetent, and to know that taking a sick day to mentally refocus is totally okay. i still wound up feeling anxious and crap for a good part of today, but as the day went on, it did get better, so i'm thankful.