(no subject)
Ah livejournal, we meet again. Next week is my first appointment with the OB/GYN to start the fertility testing and treatments. Since Matt left, things have just been a disaster with it. June 6th I went to the emergency room because I had been in extreme pain for two weeks. I knew a cyst had burst, I just know what it feels like by now. I didn't even want to go to the ER because there's nothing they can really do but give me pain meds, but I went. There, they did an internal ultrasound, confirming that a cyst had in fact burst. However, they also reported that there were multiple cysts besides the one that burst. On both ovaries. Fuck. The ER doc could not confirm for certain, but he suspects I have something called poly cystic ovary syndrome, which is bad news. It's follicle cysts that grow on the ovaries and prevent eggs from traveling down the fallopian tube into the uterus. This, coupled with my endometriosis is not a good outlook when you look at it on its face. Months and months ago, before Matt left, I also took one of those at home fertlity predicters, which came back abnormal, so my hormonal levels are off too, but this could be a result of either disorder. I have been trying VERY VERY hard since June to stay positive. The damn cyst bursting put me out of commission for a long time, most of June and part of July I was crippled with the pain and activity had to be limited. I couldn't even fucking run, it was awful. Now, I haven't had much pain, except god awful cramps for my cycle, which continues to be irregular. But hopefully, things will get started at this appointment. I'm hoping they'll be agressive with me in getting the testing done. I'd like to know where I am at and what my chances are to try to get pregnant when Matt gets home from deployment next spring, but I am skeptical. And petrified. I have been SO afraid of these tests, these appointments, these treatments forever. I have been dreading them with all of my heart for fear of them telling me I just can't conceive, or worse, carry a child full term. I have been so petrified, for weeks I have been having constant reocurring dreams of pregnancy that leads to miscarriage. Some nights, I have been waking up sobbing, and it is awful to endure when Matt isn't here. I thought it would be good to do these tests while he was gone, make use of the time he's away to get it straight. But emotionally, it is beyond difficult. I find myself avoiding anything having to do with pregnancy or infancy altogether for fear of a breakdown. There was this retreat, paid for by the army, a weekend trip that was supposed to be this weekend, and I was excited to go. Until I found out it was about pregnancy during deployment, or families and children during deployment, and I just couldn't even go. I couldn't even think about it without crying. So I am not sure how well I am going to handle these things when he is gone. I am both anxious and frightened for the appointment next week. Luckily, Matt will be home for his two weeks in the second week of September, so perhaps if they deliver too low a blow, he'll be here to pick up the pieces. I don't want to spend our very limited time weeping and worrying though. And I am also trying not to become fanatical and obsessed with trying for a baby then either, although it is hard to stop it. I'm going to be 28 years old, my god. The time to conceive is dwindling before my very eyes, and my husband is trapped so far from me for so long. And yet, all around me, people get pregnant by accident, for extra income, at all ages, and I'm struggling so hard. I feel like I am praying for a miracle. Just one baby is all I ask, one precious child I would devote my whole life and soul to. I'd build my world around that child, give them everything I had to give them the happiness and love this life has to offer. One perfect representation of me and Matt to love and cherish for all of my days. I feel like I could b a good mother, so it makes it so difficult to understand why this can't happen. Why it's so hard. Hopefully soon, I'll get some answers. Maybe it's just this uncertainty that's eating me alive. I just want these dreams to stop. Or this bitterness to stop rising everytime I find out someone else I know is pregnant, especially when I can't even try. I'll keep going to church, keep asking God to help me deal with whatver hand he's decided I've been dealt. The courage to accept if I'm not meant for motherhood. I just don't know what I can even handle mentally. I think if they tell me outright, you'll never conceive naturally, I might just go off the deep end. And I cannot even imagine a misarriage. My whole world would be shattered. But I just have to wait and see, like always...