(no subject)

[creamsiclechica]

Trying to keep it together, but it's getting really, really hard. This deployment is an absolute nightmare this time. It makes the last one feel like some stupid training exercise. I really cannot keep all my pieces together on a daily basis. 12 casualties in brigade this month, THIS MONTH. That is too scary to put into words. That doesn't even speak to the wounded already. Just found out, yesterday, they were in a fight and 4 guys got hurt, pretty hurt too. Four of Matt's guys, in HIS platoon. Four of his 30 guys. I am literally just sick. I can't even really get out of bed. I tried to eat and the few bites of cereal I took are now rising in my throat. It hasn't even been 2 months yet. I feel I am never going to make it. I feel ready to be committed right now. Being in my house is actually intolerable, but being here isn't helping either. I feel like this has been one notification of bad news after another. Everytime I think I've got it together, I've gathered enough strength to be okay, another casualty comes through, another injury. I'm knocked back off my feet, literally. I've been back home since last week, and I've spent every other night, or almost every night even in tears, on the floor, in front of the toilet. How in the fuck am I going to make it? God, please give me the strength. I have been praying so much it's not even funny. And for the first time yesterday I went to church and came out feeling awful still. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel frantic and helpless, and absolutely crazy. I just want him home, safe, where I can see him and touch him and know for sure he's alright, and not just telling me things are "okay" or things have just been "busy," which is code for downright dangerous and hellish.
I'm sorry to place this misery on others, but I just can't handle it myself right now. Please pray for my husband, please pray for his fellow soliders. For their safety and their sanity. It's all I can ask.