fuck my life
*warning.... emo post*
Sorry, have to vent and Twitter has that stupid 120 character limit... tis what LJ is for after all, feel free to ignore.
Yep.... Fuck my Life right now, in the butt, with a rusty pole.
Still feeling very disconnected from everything, also add to that I'm feeling lonely and depressed, feeling like I lack any real sense of direction or purpose in my life, so yes... I'm feeling quite shit.
Every day I want to go back to the UK, because I miss the country and my friends there terribly.
I especially miss my best friends thelistkeeper and elyssiel more than words can say.
They are two of the few people who understand me, have seen me at my worse, let me invade their privacy for 2 months and still love me. I automatically feel better whenever they are around and well, the fact that there's half the world keeping us apart hurts alot, especially when I'm depressed.
I also feel like my anxiety is coming back sometimes. I get so paranoid over various things that I start feeling crushed by it all. Thinking that all my friends don't really like me, that everyone I know is going to die tomorrow, etc... I'm still ok travelling in cars, buses and trains and things so my anxiety isn't as bad as it was when I was 22 but I can feel it there sometimes and it's scary.
Maybe it is my anxiety talking, but relationship wise I'm feeling quite shit too. I like my friends here in Australia, we have fun together whenever we do manage to see each other, but I just don't feel like I can talk to them about things like this, again I feel like they don't really like me sometimes
(re anxiety/paranoia) I just want someone to hold me sometimes, someone for me to vent too to work out what's in my head and what I want to do, but there's no one.
Adding to all these, there's also a certain boy I fancy... first time in a long time that I've had what I would call a proper 'crush' which came out of nowhere too. It happened while I was in England, I just started remember him and starting feeling things, and I would think about him a fair bit. (Still do.)
I've only seen him once since being back, and it was so brief and he was with a girl who I have no idea if it's his girlfriend or just a friend, and yes, I had that classic sinking feeling in my gut whenever I throught about it.
So yes, it's official, I like this guy... and at the moment I'm waiting for the chance when I'll get to hang out with him more and hopefully see where it leads... but at the same time, I'm not sure if I should drag someone into my issues, especially seeing how I don't really want to live in Australia anymore, but I'm so lonely and I've haven't had a boyfriend/girlfriend my whole life and I'm getting to the stage where I'm going insane from emotional and sexual frustration.
Also, to add to my woes, the job front isn't looking promising either (even through I've had 2 interview this last week) so the prospect of me getting back to the UK (where I feel like I've left my heart behind as well as my best friends), looks unlikely without me getting a loan from the bank.
But not only is not having any money getting me down, but the fact that I don't do anything all day.
I sit at home and do nothing, I have nowhere to be, nothing to do, no one to hang out with and it's sending me insane. My parents certainly aren't helping...
I look at everyone else living their lives and doing stuff when I'm doing absolutely nothing with myself... I don't know what I want to do for the next few years other than go back to the UK.
I feel like I'm at such a cross road in my life that I'm overwhelmed and I have no idea what to do.
I'm torn between moving to the UK forever and staying in Australia with my family. At the moment, staying in Australia is something I have no choice about, but once I get money to go back to the UK, I'm not sure that I'm going to want to come back.
Maybe I'm hitting an early mid life crisis, I am nearly 30 after all. Maybe because I feel like my 20's are running away from me and I want to reach 30 with something to show for it. Why do I feel like the clock is ticking? Again, paranoia/anxiety... it's the feeling that what if I die tomorrow, what will I have to show for my life, will anyone care... god I'm a fucking cheery one tonight. >_<
I need sleep.
And someone to talk to, in the flesh.
Or a nice long big hug.
Sorry, have to vent and Twitter has that stupid 120 character limit... tis what LJ is for after all, feel free to ignore.
Yep.... Fuck my Life right now, in the butt, with a rusty pole.
Still feeling very disconnected from everything, also add to that I'm feeling lonely and depressed, feeling like I lack any real sense of direction or purpose in my life, so yes... I'm feeling quite shit.
Every day I want to go back to the UK, because I miss the country and my friends there terribly.
I especially miss my best friends thelistkeeper and elyssiel more than words can say.
They are two of the few people who understand me, have seen me at my worse, let me invade their privacy for 2 months and still love me. I automatically feel better whenever they are around and well, the fact that there's half the world keeping us apart hurts alot, especially when I'm depressed.
I also feel like my anxiety is coming back sometimes. I get so paranoid over various things that I start feeling crushed by it all. Thinking that all my friends don't really like me, that everyone I know is going to die tomorrow, etc... I'm still ok travelling in cars, buses and trains and things so my anxiety isn't as bad as it was when I was 22 but I can feel it there sometimes and it's scary.
Maybe it is my anxiety talking, but relationship wise I'm feeling quite shit too. I like my friends here in Australia, we have fun together whenever we do manage to see each other, but I just don't feel like I can talk to them about things like this, again I feel like they don't really like me sometimes
(re anxiety/paranoia) I just want someone to hold me sometimes, someone for me to vent too to work out what's in my head and what I want to do, but there's no one.
Adding to all these, there's also a certain boy I fancy... first time in a long time that I've had what I would call a proper 'crush' which came out of nowhere too. It happened while I was in England, I just started remember him and starting feeling things, and I would think about him a fair bit. (Still do.)
I've only seen him once since being back, and it was so brief and he was with a girl who I have no idea if it's his girlfriend or just a friend, and yes, I had that classic sinking feeling in my gut whenever I throught about it.
So yes, it's official, I like this guy... and at the moment I'm waiting for the chance when I'll get to hang out with him more and hopefully see where it leads... but at the same time, I'm not sure if I should drag someone into my issues, especially seeing how I don't really want to live in Australia anymore, but I'm so lonely and I've haven't had a boyfriend/girlfriend my whole life and I'm getting to the stage where I'm going insane from emotional and sexual frustration.
Also, to add to my woes, the job front isn't looking promising either (even through I've had 2 interview this last week) so the prospect of me getting back to the UK (where I feel like I've left my heart behind as well as my best friends), looks unlikely without me getting a loan from the bank.
But not only is not having any money getting me down, but the fact that I don't do anything all day.
I sit at home and do nothing, I have nowhere to be, nothing to do, no one to hang out with and it's sending me insane. My parents certainly aren't helping...
I look at everyone else living their lives and doing stuff when I'm doing absolutely nothing with myself... I don't know what I want to do for the next few years other than go back to the UK.
I feel like I'm at such a cross road in my life that I'm overwhelmed and I have no idea what to do.
I'm torn between moving to the UK forever and staying in Australia with my family. At the moment, staying in Australia is something I have no choice about, but once I get money to go back to the UK, I'm not sure that I'm going to want to come back.
Maybe I'm hitting an early mid life crisis, I am nearly 30 after all. Maybe because I feel like my 20's are running away from me and I want to reach 30 with something to show for it. Why do I feel like the clock is ticking? Again, paranoia/anxiety... it's the feeling that what if I die tomorrow, what will I have to show for my life, will anyone care... god I'm a fucking cheery one tonight. >_<
I need sleep.
And someone to talk to, in the flesh.
Or a nice long big hug.