(no subject)
I have writer's block and am so upset. This should be the time that I can actually write amazing lyrics and can't get them to paper. The one thing blocking me is that I don't understand what I'm feeling so I can't put it into song. I can try and write it out.
I still love Leanne, damnit. It gets easier each day but that turns me upside down. I don't want it to get easier. Shit. I can't figure out how I feel about Dani. That is getting harder each day. I think I am still in a boyish feeling over Ali. That gets more embarrasing each day.
I was doing so well not over-analyzing everything. I must have lost it through my many lonely nights. This is why I can't spend alot of time by myself because my mind is my worst enemy. Freud was so right about sub-conscious. Fuck Freud. I need to get ahold of my sub-conscious and tell that Mother-Fucker to shut up. It controls everything about me and I hate being controlled. Why can't it speak to me in regular terms, either? All it ever does is force me to think of things I would do better to repress. I would love to be able to erase memories, even though they have shaped who I am. Things have always gone my way, and now they aren't. Not that anything is horribly bad, it's just that I would love to have events follow the plan I have set for them. I need to start using my camera, more. I can speak well through video. I think I will watch some videos right now.
I am sorry, Dani. I'm sorry that I am so worried about us. I wasn't this bad when you were here, and I think talking to you again will help. Mostly because you give me this "who gives a fuck, let's see what happens" attitude. I miss you so much. I want to ask if there is something you know/do that makes our relationship the way it is. I have this amazing attachment to you. And we "met met" what, 2 weeks before you left? Maybe it was 3. It doesn't matter. I think of you like a, not sister, not girlfriend, not friend, I don't know. Almost like a seperate entity that I have created to cope with my life. You say that talking to me relaxes you. Well talking to you un-focuses me. Not the same but very helpful to my mis-en-scene. I want so badly to figure out why we click so well and sometimes we don't click at all but somehow that fits? Wabi Sabi I guess.
Kurt
I still love Leanne, damnit. It gets easier each day but that turns me upside down. I don't want it to get easier. Shit. I can't figure out how I feel about Dani. That is getting harder each day. I think I am still in a boyish feeling over Ali. That gets more embarrasing each day.
I was doing so well not over-analyzing everything. I must have lost it through my many lonely nights. This is why I can't spend alot of time by myself because my mind is my worst enemy. Freud was so right about sub-conscious. Fuck Freud. I need to get ahold of my sub-conscious and tell that Mother-Fucker to shut up. It controls everything about me and I hate being controlled. Why can't it speak to me in regular terms, either? All it ever does is force me to think of things I would do better to repress. I would love to be able to erase memories, even though they have shaped who I am. Things have always gone my way, and now they aren't. Not that anything is horribly bad, it's just that I would love to have events follow the plan I have set for them. I need to start using my camera, more. I can speak well through video. I think I will watch some videos right now.
I am sorry, Dani. I'm sorry that I am so worried about us. I wasn't this bad when you were here, and I think talking to you again will help. Mostly because you give me this "who gives a fuck, let's see what happens" attitude. I miss you so much. I want to ask if there is something you know/do that makes our relationship the way it is. I have this amazing attachment to you. And we "met met" what, 2 weeks before you left? Maybe it was 3. It doesn't matter. I think of you like a, not sister, not girlfriend, not friend, I don't know. Almost like a seperate entity that I have created to cope with my life. You say that talking to me relaxes you. Well talking to you un-focuses me. Not the same but very helpful to my mis-en-scene. I want so badly to figure out why we click so well and sometimes we don't click at all but somehow that fits? Wabi Sabi I guess.
Kurt