I am probably going to regret posting this...
I'm having specific thoughts about a particular person now. Not bad thoughts, no. In fact, happy thoughts! Really happy thoughts! Thoughts I'd never think I'd have, backed up with emotions that make me feel happy!
However... I feel I can't express that directly to this person. It... is odd, to say the least. It isn't like I can tell this person directly either... that is impossible at the moment.
I don't know if it is because I've been acting weird the last 24 hours that is making me think this... or if this feeling is why I'm acting weird. Either way, I keep telling myself I'm probably better off keeping quiet about it rather than express my emotions. I always have fear of rejection, and an even bigger fear of losing a friend because of rejection. Personally, getting rejected wouldn't make me sad or anything. Well, I'd be sad, but I'd be even sadder if the rejection led to a friendship being lost. In fact, if I were to be rejected I'd totally be understanding and not push the issue ever again and instead keep the friendship going as if being rejected never happened or the issue leading to it never occured. I mean, if I really wanted to make someone happy, I'd respect their wishes, right? Even if that meant without me. That is just how I see it. Sadly, not everyone thinks that, and that is what will probably make this awkward.
I'm probably doing a horrible thing by posting it here. I mean, there isn't anyone here that reads this anymore since they went to Tumblr, Twitter, and various other outlets alongside the fact that I don't post here often anymore, but even then... I'm afraid said person will see this, think I'm a creep, and then I'm down a friend. I don't want that. I'm not a creepy person at all. I just... ugh. It's complicated. If I didn't write it somewhere, I'd end up spilling my guts more publicly more than likely, and I don't want to do that for either of us. Awkward all around.
If you do read this person-who-I-mentioned-but-not-directly-mentioned, please keep in mind I'm not a creep and that you can reject me and still maintain a friendship with me. It may be a little awkward at first after the initial ask, but trust me on this. I am not a pushy guy and I won't be out for revenge or constantly asking you out every chance I get. I'll make do like I always have. I just... I feel more... happy when I talk with you, even for the little bit I do in the very limited way I do. You probably don't have feelings for me, and I'm perfectly fine if you don't. I just had to write this somewhere, and writing this out actually confirmed these feelings to me whereas talking to myself led to me denying myself.
Watch me regret this if they find out it is them either from reading this or someone pointing it to them. Then I don't know how I'll feel...
I'm seriously posting this. Wow. I'm staring at this before posting and I know that if I don't post it I'll regret it, but if I do post it I will regret it too. If this turns around on me I will just be devastated and probably keep my damn mouth shut from now on. Ugh.
However... I feel I can't express that directly to this person. It... is odd, to say the least. It isn't like I can tell this person directly either... that is impossible at the moment.
I don't know if it is because I've been acting weird the last 24 hours that is making me think this... or if this feeling is why I'm acting weird. Either way, I keep telling myself I'm probably better off keeping quiet about it rather than express my emotions. I always have fear of rejection, and an even bigger fear of losing a friend because of rejection. Personally, getting rejected wouldn't make me sad or anything. Well, I'd be sad, but I'd be even sadder if the rejection led to a friendship being lost. In fact, if I were to be rejected I'd totally be understanding and not push the issue ever again and instead keep the friendship going as if being rejected never happened or the issue leading to it never occured. I mean, if I really wanted to make someone happy, I'd respect their wishes, right? Even if that meant without me. That is just how I see it. Sadly, not everyone thinks that, and that is what will probably make this awkward.
I'm probably doing a horrible thing by posting it here. I mean, there isn't anyone here that reads this anymore since they went to Tumblr, Twitter, and various other outlets alongside the fact that I don't post here often anymore, but even then... I'm afraid said person will see this, think I'm a creep, and then I'm down a friend. I don't want that. I'm not a creepy person at all. I just... ugh. It's complicated. If I didn't write it somewhere, I'd end up spilling my guts more publicly more than likely, and I don't want to do that for either of us. Awkward all around.
If you do read this person-who-I-mentioned-but-not-directly-mentioned, please keep in mind I'm not a creep and that you can reject me and still maintain a friendship with me. It may be a little awkward at first after the initial ask, but trust me on this. I am not a pushy guy and I won't be out for revenge or constantly asking you out every chance I get. I'll make do like I always have. I just... I feel more... happy when I talk with you, even for the little bit I do in the very limited way I do. You probably don't have feelings for me, and I'm perfectly fine if you don't. I just had to write this somewhere, and writing this out actually confirmed these feelings to me whereas talking to myself led to me denying myself.
Watch me regret this if they find out it is them either from reading this or someone pointing it to them. Then I don't know how I'll feel...
I'm seriously posting this. Wow. I'm staring at this before posting and I know that if I don't post it I'll regret it, but if I do post it I will regret it too. If this turns around on me I will just be devastated and probably keep my damn mouth shut from now on. Ugh.