(no subject)
I dunno the exact reason I was unhappy earlier today. I just was. I suppose it may have started when I started thinking about the distance between Anna and I. Even though we are still close and talk all the time, the gap grows larger and more noticeable everyday. Then whever I think about that it makes me think about how I've poured my all into creating what we had and though I keep giving it my best, my goal seems further and further out of reach.
I can help her with her assignments, buy her lunch whenever she wants, get her nice gifts but nothing works and it seems all the more evident that what she wants is something I can't give her. Maybe I don't excite her like I used to, or shes just not physically attracted to me but I know she cares less and less about me. As long as I've had this journal I've told her to read it, so that the things I couldn't tell her she could read for herself. I doubt she's came more than once. I get the feeling that sometimes she just pretends she cares about me because I am useful, and the sad thing is that even though I suspect it may all be pretend, I'm still so in love with her.
Thats why I have eyes for no one else. Though I may find other girls attractive and nice I cannot even try to imagine being with anyone else. It seems however that she can. I love her and I can hope and pray, and do hope and pray for the outcome I want, but it seems more and more unlikely. I suppose thats why I was sad today. Feeling that I want someone who doesn't want me as a person, just the help that I can provide. I feel as though if she doesn't get with someone else I will only be around until she is done with school. I hope she proves me wrong though. I hope that one day she will start telling me how attractive I am again, how sexy my voice is. I want her to hold my hand in public, to not keep her affection to the shadows where no one can see. Too bad its not about what I want.
I can help her with her assignments, buy her lunch whenever she wants, get her nice gifts but nothing works and it seems all the more evident that what she wants is something I can't give her. Maybe I don't excite her like I used to, or shes just not physically attracted to me but I know she cares less and less about me. As long as I've had this journal I've told her to read it, so that the things I couldn't tell her she could read for herself. I doubt she's came more than once. I get the feeling that sometimes she just pretends she cares about me because I am useful, and the sad thing is that even though I suspect it may all be pretend, I'm still so in love with her.
Thats why I have eyes for no one else. Though I may find other girls attractive and nice I cannot even try to imagine being with anyone else. It seems however that she can. I love her and I can hope and pray, and do hope and pray for the outcome I want, but it seems more and more unlikely. I suppose thats why I was sad today. Feeling that I want someone who doesn't want me as a person, just the help that I can provide. I feel as though if she doesn't get with someone else I will only be around until she is done with school. I hope she proves me wrong though. I hope that one day she will start telling me how attractive I am again, how sexy my voice is. I want her to hold my hand in public, to not keep her affection to the shadows where no one can see. Too bad its not about what I want.