Afraid to Dive
So first off I want to apologize for always writing really heavy entries. I know alot of people when browsing through their friend's entries will read bits and pieces or want to hear about good things and not heavy depressing things.. so I apologize for always being a downer. However, with that said, this is my lj and I do not come on here to write an entry unless I have something to sort out so.. yeah..
Lately I have been feeling as though something is missing in my life. The last entry I wrote about talked about how I felt like I was missing a guy.. or a relationship.. but this is not what I am referring to this time. A part of me knows exactly what it is, but I always make an excuse or I deflect it on something or someone else in order to avoid the fact that I am lonely. I know I need to read my Bible more and spend more time in prayer and not just the two second ones where I ask for God's help. So I know that is a big reason that I feel like something is missing because there is something missing. There is more though. I think a part of me just feels like I dont really have any excitement in my life. Most of my close friends, with the exception of a few, dont live around me and the ones that do are always so busy with work and their own lives that I never get to see them. Now that I started a job and am busy all the time too it just makes things worse. I dont even really see my family anymore because we work on opposite schedules and so I am just lonely. And something that happens when I am lonely and spend too much time alone is I start thinking alot more and then I get depressed. It is a vicious cycle and I dont really know how to make it stop. Sometimes my mind will not shut off no matter how much I try to distract myself with something else.. and trust me I try.. I am an expert avoider and distracter. It is just like sometimes God makes me stop and think about this stuff because it is important for me to think about. I guess in that case, I should be grateful.. but I still try to avoid it anyway.
I live with alot of fear. I am so scared of the future, and so scared to take a step forward in case it is not the right step to take. It reminds me of this skit that we did to the song "Dive" by Steven Curtis Chapman in youth group. I, of course since I am the biggest ham in the world, was the main character who had no problem diving off the "balcony" or being figurative, taking the plunge and diving in to religion, to a new decision, to the future.. lol whatever it is that you want to make it out to be. Anyway, some of the other people were having fears and were hesitating to take the dive or to take the plunge and were like tiptoeing off the balcony and then stepping back until I came around and told them I would dive with them. That is what I am thinking about right now.. I am tiptoeing off of the balcony afraid to go all the way and take the plunge, and as much as God is trying to get me to go and saying He will take the plunge with me, I have not agreed to it yet. I am still fighting it. Sorry that is so vague, but some of you probably know what I am talking about even if I am not making any sense at all whatsoever.
Well on a better note, I am really enjoying my new job. It is actually really easy and I am getting the hang of it more and more each time I go in. I am still trying to figure out the carry outs and memorize the menu, but the more I do it, the easier it will get. I get complimented alot there by the managers and by the customers and the coolest thing ever tonight was by the owner and his wife. His wife comes in alot and has been complimenting me every night so that is really cool, but the owner just got back from Italy and so tonight was my first time meeting him. Brenda, the wife was raving about me and the other hostess and then at one part during the night, she grabbed my hand and led me over to the table where he and a bunch of their friends and family were eating and introduced me to them and just raved about me some more. That was pretty awesome and definetely made me feel good. I work every single night this week except for Sunday, which was the only day I told them I could not work definetely. So I am making alot of money on top of babysitting at least twice a week in the afternoon so that is really nice.
Ok, well I have to get up pretty early tomorrow to babysit so I should end this now. Ciao!
Lately I have been feeling as though something is missing in my life. The last entry I wrote about talked about how I felt like I was missing a guy.. or a relationship.. but this is not what I am referring to this time. A part of me knows exactly what it is, but I always make an excuse or I deflect it on something or someone else in order to avoid the fact that I am lonely. I know I need to read my Bible more and spend more time in prayer and not just the two second ones where I ask for God's help. So I know that is a big reason that I feel like something is missing because there is something missing. There is more though. I think a part of me just feels like I dont really have any excitement in my life. Most of my close friends, with the exception of a few, dont live around me and the ones that do are always so busy with work and their own lives that I never get to see them. Now that I started a job and am busy all the time too it just makes things worse. I dont even really see my family anymore because we work on opposite schedules and so I am just lonely. And something that happens when I am lonely and spend too much time alone is I start thinking alot more and then I get depressed. It is a vicious cycle and I dont really know how to make it stop. Sometimes my mind will not shut off no matter how much I try to distract myself with something else.. and trust me I try.. I am an expert avoider and distracter. It is just like sometimes God makes me stop and think about this stuff because it is important for me to think about. I guess in that case, I should be grateful.. but I still try to avoid it anyway.
I live with alot of fear. I am so scared of the future, and so scared to take a step forward in case it is not the right step to take. It reminds me of this skit that we did to the song "Dive" by Steven Curtis Chapman in youth group. I, of course since I am the biggest ham in the world, was the main character who had no problem diving off the "balcony" or being figurative, taking the plunge and diving in to religion, to a new decision, to the future.. lol whatever it is that you want to make it out to be. Anyway, some of the other people were having fears and were hesitating to take the dive or to take the plunge and were like tiptoeing off the balcony and then stepping back until I came around and told them I would dive with them. That is what I am thinking about right now.. I am tiptoeing off of the balcony afraid to go all the way and take the plunge, and as much as God is trying to get me to go and saying He will take the plunge with me, I have not agreed to it yet. I am still fighting it. Sorry that is so vague, but some of you probably know what I am talking about even if I am not making any sense at all whatsoever.
Well on a better note, I am really enjoying my new job. It is actually really easy and I am getting the hang of it more and more each time I go in. I am still trying to figure out the carry outs and memorize the menu, but the more I do it, the easier it will get. I get complimented alot there by the managers and by the customers and the coolest thing ever tonight was by the owner and his wife. His wife comes in alot and has been complimenting me every night so that is really cool, but the owner just got back from Italy and so tonight was my first time meeting him. Brenda, the wife was raving about me and the other hostess and then at one part during the night, she grabbed my hand and led me over to the table where he and a bunch of their friends and family were eating and introduced me to them and just raved about me some more. That was pretty awesome and definetely made me feel good. I work every single night this week except for Sunday, which was the only day I told them I could not work definetely. So I am making alot of money on top of babysitting at least twice a week in the afternoon so that is really nice.
Ok, well I have to get up pretty early tomorrow to babysit so I should end this now. Ciao!