What If...
I really hate alot of things about myself. There are days when I can look at myself and be perfectly content, but then there are days or even weeks at a time where there is so much in me I want to fix and I dont know how. Can a person really change after being a certain way for 22 years? I have always been sensitive, I have always taken things way too personally and I have always come off completely differently than I would like to with people who dont know me, but I have always just figured that it was a part of me and I would just live with it. But today as I sit here trying to reflect on all of the incidents in which have sparked this very lj entry I just feel pain.
Yesterday was a really bad day at work. I am actually really enjoying my job alot but it is so much different from what I am used to. They expect alot out of you and while that is to be expected from any job, for someone who is just doing this until something better comes along sometimes I am guilty of not putting alot of effort into it. I really am trying though and so when I mess up or make silly mistakes I feel horrible and even though I know that I am still learning and went through this exact thing with student teaching.. it is something that is so hard for me to deal with. Newsflash: Laura is not perfect.. lol I know this but every time I am reminded of it it is like coming to the realization for the first time all over again. Anyway, back to the bad day at work. I kept on making silly little mistakes, one that I could deal with but there was one that seemed to like ruin the evening. There were four servers in this one room in which alot of the parties come in and everything and one of the servers was expecting a party of thirteen and so when they came in and requested another server she kind of took it hard. Then, my manager and I kept trying to seat her so that she would have at least something to make up for it. Well, I made the mistake of giving her a table and not telling her. In all honesty, it was just a misunderstanding. I got busy and forgot to tell her, and I told another server which I made the mistake of assuming would tell her it was her table, but she did not. My manager ended up giving the table to that same server, which resulted in the first server being very angry and upset. I did not really know anything about it but I guess she was already upset about losing that huge party and then when this happened I guess she just kind of blew up.. and at me. I went back a few minutes later to tell her that I had just seated a table for her and she chewed me out. For those who know me, know I do not take that kind of stuff very well. I tried to, I told her that I would make sure to tell her whenever she had a table and left on the verge of tears. Luckily, I did not actually start crying because I think that would have been really embarrasing and made the situation worse, but I could not stop thinking about it the rest of the night. I then got all paranoid, and I have felt this way before at work, that all of the servers were talking about me and wondering why I kept on making mistakes and that kind of thing. They are all really nice to me, but sometimes I get the impression that they are talking about me behind my back and I could just be being paranoid, but last night I was already emotional and it just made things worse. I could not wait to get out of there and after making several other stupid little mistakes and having my manager call me on them, I came home in a really depressed mood. It was a good thing that I have the day off today so I could take some time to just calm down and relax and regear before going into work on Wednesday.
Then today was the staff meeting. I was really nervous about it because I really did not have any idea what was going to happen and it turns out it was actually pretty pointless for me to go because most of the people there were servers (there are only four hostesses) and so that was the kind of stuff they talked about, things that did not really concern a hostess. I listened though and tried to pertain this stuff to me and I think hearing some of their concerns and stuff was really helpful. Anyway, as I was leaving, one of the managers called me and this other girl back. Apparently the owner wanted to have a meeting with just the hostesses, but I was the only one who stayed back. I knew the other girl had an appointment so I just assumed she did not hear her name being called back and had left. When the manager questioned where the other girl went, I said "I dont know, I think she left," and the other manager who seemed kind of annoyed said "she is right there" and went to go get her. I immediately started thinking she hated me and that I was trying to get her in trouble, which I wasn't. I could see how it could seem like that, but I honestly was not. I then could not stop thinking about that the whole time. They ended up letting us leave since she had the appointment, the other hostess was already working and could not leave, and the third one had not showed up. So I guess I did end up looking like the most responsible one or whatever, but I did not mean it to be that way and I did not mean to make the other girl out to be irresponsible.. because in reality, she did not actually leave yet, I just thought she did because she left when everyone else did. Anyway, this is where I am at right now. It just seems like the past two days have been taking a huge toll on my emotional state. I am left feeling insecure and depressed and dreading going back and that is not how it should be. I know it will get better the longer I work there I will get better at doing some of these things I keep forgetting to do and I can almost guarantee that I will remember to tell people when they have tables regardless of how busy I am because I do not want another confrontation like that one.
So now I go back to my orignal question. I got to thinking about how different it would be if my personality were different. If I could learn to not take things so personally, and not let others opinions of me affect me so much. If I could stop being so insecure and be more aggressive. If I could stop staying up late nights worrying about this or that and what people think of me. If I could stop being so darn paranoid that people dont like me.. if I could just have a different personality. Maybe then things would be different. Or maybe not.. because maybe having a different personality would come with its own set of problems and I would still be wishing I had a different personality.
Yesterday was a really bad day at work. I am actually really enjoying my job alot but it is so much different from what I am used to. They expect alot out of you and while that is to be expected from any job, for someone who is just doing this until something better comes along sometimes I am guilty of not putting alot of effort into it. I really am trying though and so when I mess up or make silly mistakes I feel horrible and even though I know that I am still learning and went through this exact thing with student teaching.. it is something that is so hard for me to deal with. Newsflash: Laura is not perfect.. lol I know this but every time I am reminded of it it is like coming to the realization for the first time all over again. Anyway, back to the bad day at work. I kept on making silly little mistakes, one that I could deal with but there was one that seemed to like ruin the evening. There were four servers in this one room in which alot of the parties come in and everything and one of the servers was expecting a party of thirteen and so when they came in and requested another server she kind of took it hard. Then, my manager and I kept trying to seat her so that she would have at least something to make up for it. Well, I made the mistake of giving her a table and not telling her. In all honesty, it was just a misunderstanding. I got busy and forgot to tell her, and I told another server which I made the mistake of assuming would tell her it was her table, but she did not. My manager ended up giving the table to that same server, which resulted in the first server being very angry and upset. I did not really know anything about it but I guess she was already upset about losing that huge party and then when this happened I guess she just kind of blew up.. and at me. I went back a few minutes later to tell her that I had just seated a table for her and she chewed me out. For those who know me, know I do not take that kind of stuff very well. I tried to, I told her that I would make sure to tell her whenever she had a table and left on the verge of tears. Luckily, I did not actually start crying because I think that would have been really embarrasing and made the situation worse, but I could not stop thinking about it the rest of the night. I then got all paranoid, and I have felt this way before at work, that all of the servers were talking about me and wondering why I kept on making mistakes and that kind of thing. They are all really nice to me, but sometimes I get the impression that they are talking about me behind my back and I could just be being paranoid, but last night I was already emotional and it just made things worse. I could not wait to get out of there and after making several other stupid little mistakes and having my manager call me on them, I came home in a really depressed mood. It was a good thing that I have the day off today so I could take some time to just calm down and relax and regear before going into work on Wednesday.
Then today was the staff meeting. I was really nervous about it because I really did not have any idea what was going to happen and it turns out it was actually pretty pointless for me to go because most of the people there were servers (there are only four hostesses) and so that was the kind of stuff they talked about, things that did not really concern a hostess. I listened though and tried to pertain this stuff to me and I think hearing some of their concerns and stuff was really helpful. Anyway, as I was leaving, one of the managers called me and this other girl back. Apparently the owner wanted to have a meeting with just the hostesses, but I was the only one who stayed back. I knew the other girl had an appointment so I just assumed she did not hear her name being called back and had left. When the manager questioned where the other girl went, I said "I dont know, I think she left," and the other manager who seemed kind of annoyed said "she is right there" and went to go get her. I immediately started thinking she hated me and that I was trying to get her in trouble, which I wasn't. I could see how it could seem like that, but I honestly was not. I then could not stop thinking about that the whole time. They ended up letting us leave since she had the appointment, the other hostess was already working and could not leave, and the third one had not showed up. So I guess I did end up looking like the most responsible one or whatever, but I did not mean it to be that way and I did not mean to make the other girl out to be irresponsible.. because in reality, she did not actually leave yet, I just thought she did because she left when everyone else did. Anyway, this is where I am at right now. It just seems like the past two days have been taking a huge toll on my emotional state. I am left feeling insecure and depressed and dreading going back and that is not how it should be. I know it will get better the longer I work there I will get better at doing some of these things I keep forgetting to do and I can almost guarantee that I will remember to tell people when they have tables regardless of how busy I am because I do not want another confrontation like that one.
So now I go back to my orignal question. I got to thinking about how different it would be if my personality were different. If I could learn to not take things so personally, and not let others opinions of me affect me so much. If I could stop being so insecure and be more aggressive. If I could stop staying up late nights worrying about this or that and what people think of me. If I could stop being so darn paranoid that people dont like me.. if I could just have a different personality. Maybe then things would be different. Or maybe not.. because maybe having a different personality would come with its own set of problems and I would still be wishing I had a different personality.