breaking.
I have always been hesitant to post things, but this is my journal, and if you don't like it, well, I'm not afraid of what I write. One of my friends told me that's what he always had admired about me, that I wrote how I felt. So, fuck it, I will.
Words are losing all meaning, all over again. Don't tell me you swear you're going to fight to keep us alive when you're so passive. Or how much you appreciate me. How can you say that when you were aware of what you did, all the time, looking at me and talking to me? After you swore how horrible you felt and that you would never do something like this again. Given it's slightly different, but it's really not.
Instead of cutting her, like you said, you brought her back even more so, and in a more complicated way.
You think hearbreak would be easy once you experience it, but it actually hurts more the following time around.
It's like someone grabbing your heart and squeezing it, and simultaneously being punched in the stomach. The anxiety sits there like a big knot, and you don't ever think you could possibly feel this way, like Leigh-Ann and I were talking about. I'm going to experience anxiety attacks again, I know it.
Telling me something, and doing things that say otherwise make words so empty. Make me look back in regret, and a friend recently asked if I would put myself through it all over again. Funny, how one thing changes it. But we were so much better! ...or so I thought.
The questions are probably the most aggravating, and they only come from 3 or 4 friends.
"Why didn't he tell us? I have this and this in my family that could've helped!"
"Why didn't he talk to the people who clearly are there for him and care for him?"
"Oh, you love him? Bettaaa."
"Why does he take the more complicated route? He makes me want to call him an ass."
"Why can't he see this is no good for him?"
"Where did she come from again?"
"Why does he keep doing this to you?"
I don't know. And every single one breaks me even more.
Then all the things you said:
"We'll be doing this for years."
"Write to me everyday when you're in Scotland."
"You're the smartest person I know."
"I love you."
"You can't leave."
"I'm going to miss you so much."
Torture myself over if it was/is real.
All I can do is sit there and think of what my friend said, "You just need to pretend you don't exist in his life and let him try." I get the situation, I don't get what possible reason you could come up with for this all over again.
All I can say, with silent tears, is, "I know, I don't know. It's hard. I loved him and it hurts, hurts so much."
It's too early for my heart to feel like this. And again, and I still want to fight.
"You just need to stop. It's like we could cut out last summer and paste it here again."
Just tell myself you never cared, get over it. I see no reason to salvage this anymore. I began to believe again, I cared, I tried, I opened up, and the one thing I cannot deal with, I refuse to deal with her no matter what "problems" she has (everyone has "problems"). And anyone who does will be cut from my life.
"If someone came to you and told you this whole tale, what advice would you give?"
Jeezzzz. Catch your breath.