(no subject)
I missed two updates...Really it just completely slipped my mind. I hadn't even realized I did it until Master brought it up...Needless to say when I did realize it I felt...Horrible. I had just not a day before done something that gave Master cause to punish me for the first time...And then I turned around and screwed up again... Not only was I disappointed and angry at my self, but I was deeply deeply saddened that I once again displeased my Master...
I know that to say that I never want to displease my Master seems a high standard...One that I could never possible reach because I am human. But I don't ever want to displease him. Ever. And I will do and continue doing anything and everything I can to avoid that. But I realize that realistically there will be times it happens. I have to accept that, and I do.
What I do not accept is when I make stupid mistakes. I mean...I know it happens but I suppose I just expect more from my self...Maybe that's a flawed thought process... "My own measuring stick."...Yet...Its with that measuring stick that I've grown into what I am right now. My Masters and my own...Because its my own constant regulation of my own self that give me that ability to grow and learn as quickly as my Master tells me I do.
My Master doesn't need to watch me constantly. He does not need to constantly monitor me. And if he did...Well then I would be somewhat of a hassle and chore would I not? And that is not my life's mission. My life's mission is to please and make him as happy and comfortable as possible. And to be as pleasing as possible...Certainly not to be a chore for him.
And how Master punished me...Was simply to allow me to punish my self. Of course I was near drowning in my guilt and misery regarding the whole thing. And he just left me in it for a while. Let me agonize over it. And then when he thought I had had enough he released me from the punishment...And I was a little slow to let go. I just felt so terrible...I wanted to fix it. And it didn't seem like anything I could do would be good enough. After a bit of correction and time I got over it. And all thanks to my dear beloved Master.
Now...A part of my punishment and attempt in correcting my mistake was that I was to make a very good or very long post to make up for my missing two days. Master asked me to tell him what happened in the last two days...But I don't remember. Really its all been a blur to me...But I am going to attempt.
I went to a job interview at some farming supply store...Now on the bright side I know that crap. I was a farm girl... So I figured in the very least I would know what I was talking about. And I like animals and things like that...So I would enjoy learning more and being able to share the information and help people...
I think the fact that I do know about that sort of thing really could be a good selling point for that place. They asked me what experience I had, and I laughed and said. "Lots" ...Yeah okay not the best thing to say. But I swear I can be professional! They just threw me off...Two people?
And the guy...Not that he was intimidating or anything. I suppose he could be, but that wasn't his aim. He was just...He's a nice guy, but this is work. You know? Serious about his job...Which I respect and that was cool...But...I take work seriously. But I am always laughing and light hearted...I don't know. It just threw me off.
So anyway, one blunder. But I recovered with a little laughter and told them that I had been raised somewhat of a farm girl. That I knew horses, pigs, chickens, ducks, cats, dogs, some about cows as well.They asked me about what I knew about feed, and I told them that often times I was responsible for the animals we had at home. Including feeding and all that so I know quite a bit.
I am qualified for the job. There is really no doubt in my mind...But I am not sure I gave them that impression...I don't know...I just think I could have done better.
What else happened? We went and got a load of Chinese food for me gram mom and aunt Helen. Lemon chicken is mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm good!!! And then my gram got sick..She is having more and more problems...Its so sad and frustrating sometimes...I just wish she could be healthy...I dunno. Anyway. That was fun, used to do it a lot when gram was more healthy.
I got my hair trimmed, four inches. It feels lots better and looks nice too. And I've been treating it carefully to repair the damage Kansas did to it. Kansas did a lot of things. Messed with my skin as well. I never used to have to use lotion much. My skin was just supple and healthy without it...But Kansas made lotion necessary...The whole thing was bad for me. Ick.
Anyway I am getting everything back to what it was. Next I need to go get my nails done...Not fake. But polish them up and make 'em pretty. You know. I believe it is a part of my service to my Master to insure that I am in good condition and stay that way.
...And I forgot to eat today. x.x;; No wonder I feel tired. Woops. Well...I just don't know what else to say...I hope this is good enough. Mother has been a constant pain...I hope its alright... I tried. And now I am going to go and feed my weakening little body before I pass out. x.x;
~Jess
I know that to say that I never want to displease my Master seems a high standard...One that I could never possible reach because I am human. But I don't ever want to displease him. Ever. And I will do and continue doing anything and everything I can to avoid that. But I realize that realistically there will be times it happens. I have to accept that, and I do.
What I do not accept is when I make stupid mistakes. I mean...I know it happens but I suppose I just expect more from my self...Maybe that's a flawed thought process... "My own measuring stick."...Yet...Its with that measuring stick that I've grown into what I am right now. My Masters and my own...Because its my own constant regulation of my own self that give me that ability to grow and learn as quickly as my Master tells me I do.
My Master doesn't need to watch me constantly. He does not need to constantly monitor me. And if he did...Well then I would be somewhat of a hassle and chore would I not? And that is not my life's mission. My life's mission is to please and make him as happy and comfortable as possible. And to be as pleasing as possible...Certainly not to be a chore for him.
And how Master punished me...Was simply to allow me to punish my self. Of course I was near drowning in my guilt and misery regarding the whole thing. And he just left me in it for a while. Let me agonize over it. And then when he thought I had had enough he released me from the punishment...And I was a little slow to let go. I just felt so terrible...I wanted to fix it. And it didn't seem like anything I could do would be good enough. After a bit of correction and time I got over it. And all thanks to my dear beloved Master.
Now...A part of my punishment and attempt in correcting my mistake was that I was to make a very good or very long post to make up for my missing two days. Master asked me to tell him what happened in the last two days...But I don't remember. Really its all been a blur to me...But I am going to attempt.
I went to a job interview at some farming supply store...Now on the bright side I know that crap. I was a farm girl... So I figured in the very least I would know what I was talking about. And I like animals and things like that...So I would enjoy learning more and being able to share the information and help people...
I think the fact that I do know about that sort of thing really could be a good selling point for that place. They asked me what experience I had, and I laughed and said. "Lots" ...Yeah okay not the best thing to say. But I swear I can be professional! They just threw me off...Two people?
And the guy...Not that he was intimidating or anything. I suppose he could be, but that wasn't his aim. He was just...He's a nice guy, but this is work. You know? Serious about his job...Which I respect and that was cool...But...I take work seriously. But I am always laughing and light hearted...I don't know. It just threw me off.
So anyway, one blunder. But I recovered with a little laughter and told them that I had been raised somewhat of a farm girl. That I knew horses, pigs, chickens, ducks, cats, dogs, some about cows as well.They asked me about what I knew about feed, and I told them that often times I was responsible for the animals we had at home. Including feeding and all that so I know quite a bit.
I am qualified for the job. There is really no doubt in my mind...But I am not sure I gave them that impression...I don't know...I just think I could have done better.
What else happened? We went and got a load of Chinese food for me gram mom and aunt Helen. Lemon chicken is mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm good!!! And then my gram got sick..She is having more and more problems...Its so sad and frustrating sometimes...I just wish she could be healthy...I dunno. Anyway. That was fun, used to do it a lot when gram was more healthy.
I got my hair trimmed, four inches. It feels lots better and looks nice too. And I've been treating it carefully to repair the damage Kansas did to it. Kansas did a lot of things. Messed with my skin as well. I never used to have to use lotion much. My skin was just supple and healthy without it...But Kansas made lotion necessary...The whole thing was bad for me. Ick.
Anyway I am getting everything back to what it was. Next I need to go get my nails done...Not fake. But polish them up and make 'em pretty. You know. I believe it is a part of my service to my Master to insure that I am in good condition and stay that way.
...And I forgot to eat today. x.x;; No wonder I feel tired. Woops. Well...I just don't know what else to say...I hope this is good enough. Mother has been a constant pain...I hope its alright... I tried. And now I am going to go and feed my weakening little body before I pass out. x.x;
~Jess