Not even sure what to say

[confusinsuitsme]

I'm single again... lets start with that. Once again not my idea. I'm ok with it... thats not saying im not crushed, broken hearted,ect.. i am, but he said it was b/c he wasn't happy and while i wish i made him happy, and he makes me happy, i can't change the fact he is currently unhappy, and is unhappy with me as his girlfriend. I guess it just kinda sucks b/c i told myself it'd be ok and i let my self put my guard down again to have it thrown in my face. that may sound a little spiteful, but i want to get one thing across... i am not mad at him for his decision, i am hurt by it, and mad a little bit about how he went about it. once again i was told he'd been thinking about this for awhile, that he wasn't truely happy with the relationship since its birthday... and once again knowing he's been unhappy so long hurt, there was one request i made when we got back together and that was that he needed to tell me when something was wrong, and tell me if he wasn't liking the relationship... i told him not to lie to me, and i feel he has. now i know he thought he was doing it to protect me, and thats what keeps me from getting too angry, but its hard to not be mad at all when he says he doesn't love me when just last night he said he did. i guess it just hurts, but he can't take that back, and i understand he didn't want to say anything untill he was sure. i'm just kinda worried b/c i want to stay friends with him, and i want him to stay my bestfriend. and while we stayed friends last time it was really akward at first and we weren't close to being BEST friends... now im not saying i want him to put me b4 every1 i just want to stay some1 he turns to, some1 i can turn to, some1 i know will always be there. Im afraid we won't be good friends and it will go back to being akward and i can't take that. he is someone i will remember and cherish forever, i just hope the friendship isn't just a memory

on a little bit of a side note, i half want to spend next year at home. i'm sorry if that makes every1 in harrisonburg think i'm here jsut for jeff... i'm not, but the truth is, i miss home, i miss my mom. i didn't want to come back after i went home for that few days and i've never felt that b4, i've always wanted to get out of there. i think i've just been away too long, and as it is right now i think i can take the classes i need nxt semester at home, wait to get accepted into the nursing program for fall 07, and then come back. yea i'd visit, as much as possible... but this would give me some time w/ my mom and some time to myself, which could be good. i don't know yet what i want to do, so don't think this is a definite. it just kinda crossed into my mind today with everything going on.

but back to jeff... i just hope this will work out, and we can stay friends through this. i hope in a day or so i can talk to him a little more, b/c i was kinda in shock when it happened and i have some more to say. im not planning on yelling at him or trying to make him feel bad as well, b/c like i said the thing i am most worried about is losing a friend... and venting isn't worth losing him