losing my mind.
So I haven't been on here in forever, because I haven't really felt the need to blog about my life.. but at this moment I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to and I just need to get this shit off my chest.
A lot has happened in the past year and a half.. I have a child, I'm no longer in Cali or NY, back in VA and I'm starting to enjoy it again. I'm single for the first time in 3 years, and I fucking hate it. I met someone last year in Cali who was incredible, but had a girlfriend at the time. Well this year we started chatting, and he didn't have a girlfriend anymore.. and I went out to see him, spent 5 days with him and fell for him pretty fast. He seemed to be everything I have ever wanted. Well I come back to VA, and the crazy in love feeling left as quickly as it came. I still have crazy feelings for him, but it's just not a doable thing right now. I need a companion, where I reside.
So I get a phone call one day, before the feelings of love left me, asking to put on a show for someones birthday party.. and I said okay.. and then someone comes to my house to talk to me about everything. That someone, was Robert. He was nothing special when I first met him, just another person I have met through a friend, whatever. I went to the party with two of my girls, and we're having fun, dancing, drinking, hanging out, but I couldn't seem to leave this kid alone, and yes, he's a kid. Only 20. So we're just shooting the shit the whole night, and then I had to leave. He came to my house the next day to drop something off and then that night he came over to watch movies, and we ended up making out. I felt nothing, it was just kissing another guy. He wanted more to happen.. but I wasn't digging that, so I sent him on his way. Well the little shit wasn't done with me.. we ended up hanging out every fucking day. Going shopping together, hanging out with the fam, I cooked for him, spent the night at his house all the time, we were getting pretty close. But it still was nothing, for the both of us, we had other things happening in our lives as far as relationships go, so we just took it for what it was and rode with it. Until one day, we were at his house, and we kissed.. and there it was. That feeling in the pit of your stomach that sinks into your toes, and for a moment you lose a touch with reality. In an instant we both pulled away.. we knew what was happening.. and didn't know what to do.
For me, it was easy to let my other thing go. He lives far away, it wasn't a very serious thing, and I had good reasons to stay in VA. But for Robert, he can't give her up. We went to the supermarket together one night, when he was trying to figure all this out, and he said some things to me that felt so legit, so fucking real. I cried in his truck, telling him how fucked up all this was.. and he told me not a moment goes by that I'm not on his mind. And he left. and went to her.
This whole situation has me thrown. There are much more parts to this story that haven't been written, like the phone calls from his girl, threatening me and slandering my name, and the times that he tests me to see how far he can push me before I go overboard. That has yet to happen. Or when he says he loves me, even though I never believe him, it sounds so good coming from his mouth.
I feel like such an idiot at this point, allowing him to use me the way he does. But I can't help it. I want him in my life, no matter what toll it takes on me. He sneaks around behind her back to see me.. lies about where he is to her.. and yesterday we were talking on the phone and I told him I don't think I could ever trust him because of what he does to her. He's never lied to me about what's going on, and I respect that, but at the same time it makes me angry.. that he feels it's okay to tell me, "yeah, I'm not going to leave her, but I still want you to be my lady." What the hell is wrong with me? Is this really what love makes you do? Sit and ponder all the bullshit you put yourself through to feel loved? I'm trying to find other people to occupy my time, my friends, my daughter, other guys, but no other man sparks my interest. And my friends and family don't fill the spot in my heart I have for him.
I don't think I'm looking for advice on what to do by writing this.. I have received several inputs on this situation and most of them said, "Kaleigh, this is a challenge for you, and that's why you want it. Once you get him to yourself you'll be done with it." Now I can believe that, more or less. It's always been easy for me to get a man, and a challenge is always fun to take on, but this isn't just a chase game for me. I have real feelings for him, and I don't know if they can just vanish if he were to be mine. If anything I think they would only grow.
Fuck dude. I never stop thinking about him, and hethinks I'm putting on some act to try and win his heart.. but this is no act. This is me, falling for the right guy at the wrong time. :-(
A lot has happened in the past year and a half.. I have a child, I'm no longer in Cali or NY, back in VA and I'm starting to enjoy it again. I'm single for the first time in 3 years, and I fucking hate it. I met someone last year in Cali who was incredible, but had a girlfriend at the time. Well this year we started chatting, and he didn't have a girlfriend anymore.. and I went out to see him, spent 5 days with him and fell for him pretty fast. He seemed to be everything I have ever wanted. Well I come back to VA, and the crazy in love feeling left as quickly as it came. I still have crazy feelings for him, but it's just not a doable thing right now. I need a companion, where I reside.
So I get a phone call one day, before the feelings of love left me, asking to put on a show for someones birthday party.. and I said okay.. and then someone comes to my house to talk to me about everything. That someone, was Robert. He was nothing special when I first met him, just another person I have met through a friend, whatever. I went to the party with two of my girls, and we're having fun, dancing, drinking, hanging out, but I couldn't seem to leave this kid alone, and yes, he's a kid. Only 20. So we're just shooting the shit the whole night, and then I had to leave. He came to my house the next day to drop something off and then that night he came over to watch movies, and we ended up making out. I felt nothing, it was just kissing another guy. He wanted more to happen.. but I wasn't digging that, so I sent him on his way. Well the little shit wasn't done with me.. we ended up hanging out every fucking day. Going shopping together, hanging out with the fam, I cooked for him, spent the night at his house all the time, we were getting pretty close. But it still was nothing, for the both of us, we had other things happening in our lives as far as relationships go, so we just took it for what it was and rode with it. Until one day, we were at his house, and we kissed.. and there it was. That feeling in the pit of your stomach that sinks into your toes, and for a moment you lose a touch with reality. In an instant we both pulled away.. we knew what was happening.. and didn't know what to do.
For me, it was easy to let my other thing go. He lives far away, it wasn't a very serious thing, and I had good reasons to stay in VA. But for Robert, he can't give her up. We went to the supermarket together one night, when he was trying to figure all this out, and he said some things to me that felt so legit, so fucking real. I cried in his truck, telling him how fucked up all this was.. and he told me not a moment goes by that I'm not on his mind. And he left. and went to her.
This whole situation has me thrown. There are much more parts to this story that haven't been written, like the phone calls from his girl, threatening me and slandering my name, and the times that he tests me to see how far he can push me before I go overboard. That has yet to happen. Or when he says he loves me, even though I never believe him, it sounds so good coming from his mouth.
I feel like such an idiot at this point, allowing him to use me the way he does. But I can't help it. I want him in my life, no matter what toll it takes on me. He sneaks around behind her back to see me.. lies about where he is to her.. and yesterday we were talking on the phone and I told him I don't think I could ever trust him because of what he does to her. He's never lied to me about what's going on, and I respect that, but at the same time it makes me angry.. that he feels it's okay to tell me, "yeah, I'm not going to leave her, but I still want you to be my lady." What the hell is wrong with me? Is this really what love makes you do? Sit and ponder all the bullshit you put yourself through to feel loved? I'm trying to find other people to occupy my time, my friends, my daughter, other guys, but no other man sparks my interest. And my friends and family don't fill the spot in my heart I have for him.
I don't think I'm looking for advice on what to do by writing this.. I have received several inputs on this situation and most of them said, "Kaleigh, this is a challenge for you, and that's why you want it. Once you get him to yourself you'll be done with it." Now I can believe that, more or less. It's always been easy for me to get a man, and a challenge is always fun to take on, but this isn't just a chase game for me. I have real feelings for him, and I don't know if they can just vanish if he were to be mine. If anything I think they would only grow.
Fuck dude. I never stop thinking about him, and hethinks I'm putting on some act to try and win his heart.. but this is no act. This is me, falling for the right guy at the wrong time. :-(