what am I doing.
So, yesterday I came to the conclusion that, yet again, I have royally screwed up. Made a choice to move somewhere that trouble would have to really hunt me down about 6 months ago. I've done well so far I guess. Got my own spot, have a normal job for the first time in ages. I work for my father and it sucks, but it's a job. Not supposed to be loved I guess. But I moved here, with the intentions of getting everything back in place. My head, my heart, my license, my child home.. And you know what? Absolutely fucking nothing is where it should be. I went from making the money I was expecting to make to making over a hundred less than it every week. No warning, no "hey, Kay, I gotta cut your pay back a little, times are tough." not a damn thing, just a cut in my overtime. So, I decided I'm not working overtime anymore. Why work the extra hours if I'm not going to get paid for it? or if I hate it? I sit alone everyday in the goddamn shop, waiting for someone to come in and either sexually harass me, speak to me like a fucking moron because I don't know shit about the industry I work in, or get yelled at by my dad about not working hard enough, when there really isn't anything to do. I decided to audition for a play not long ago, and got a small role in it. Of course the character I was casted as is a stripper in the 50s, go figure huh? It's fun, I'm happy I'm doing something in the community. But the way I've been feeling lately, I just want to back out of it and stay locked up in my house until my lease is up and I can go back to San Diego. My daughter has been out there with her dad since the end of October, and in that time, since she has consistently been with him, I have lost custody of her. On top of that, I'm behind on bills, have to take more education courses for my motherfucking DUI that is almost 3 years old, keep giving them money that I don't have, I still don't have my license back, I still owe about 4 grand to the courts before I can even apply for my license again, which will be restricted for God knows how long. I don't mean to bitch, but Jesus, shit just isn't going my way of late. And it's so funny, because the whole point of me moving to the country was to get my life back in order. I'm not one step closer to getting it under my thumb. Not one fucking step. What was the point? In coming out here, working for my dad.. why was I promised things and let down? Adam stole my entire half of the tax return, which was going to lift that license restriction, and now won't pay me back. My dad said he was going to help, with EVERYTHING, and has only aided in my losing rights to keeping my child, since he wouldn't let her come live in his house while I stayed with him for those few months. And being completely fucking miserable in my work place.
I know I have done some dumb shit in my day, things I should have never even dreamed about. I have hurt people, lied, stolen, broken the law, cheated, hustled, all of it. You name it, I probably have done it. But I've done a lot of good too. And always looked out for people that needed it. So why can't I catch a break? I pray everyday, I beg for forgiveness of the things I have done, and the people I have wronged, but will I be forgiven? And if I have been, why am I continuing to suffer like this? I know there are people in this world that have it way worse than I do, but I'm not living their life. I'm living mine, and it sucks of late. Nothing seems to be getting better. And I just want it to change. I know that in life, to have change you must make change.. I have though. So why no forward moving? Why no break?
And what gives with falling for people that probably wouldn't care if you existed or not? I fell completely in love with a man that I thought I hated years ago, and he doesn't care. I spent an incredible time with him and his family over the holidays, spent every day after our trip calling him, talking on web cam, writing him letters and sending him gifts. I made sure I was with him on Valentine's Day, and of course while I'm out there I fuck up and get hammered, act a fool, and lose what I thought I had. Which, now that I think about it, I probably didn't have. But it seemed like it. Just the way he spoke to me, the way whether I liked it or not, he would haunt my dreams, every night. And still does. I saw him a couple times this month. Of course we were both drinking on both occasions, and our last encounter was that of the sexual kind. I don't mind at all, he's the only person I want to be intimate with, and he knows it. But what does he think he does to me when I say those things to him, and then he comes back at me with things like, "I want to be a dad so bad" and "I wish I could cum in you" ... like, are you serious? why tell me this shit, drunk or not, Virginia, California, Ohio, where ever the hell we see each other, why say things that you know will be engraved in my brain? And now that I'm moving back to California, what should I expect? I'm not going there thinking he'll be mine, he's made it clear to me, I'll be waiting forever if I wait for him. But I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'll wait forever. When he's near me, I'm happy. He's the only man I have desired in ages that has been a consistent desire. Not to mention the fact that I don't have an urge to sleep with anyone else. I mean, don't get me wrong, there will always be sexual fantasies that I'll have, but acting on them? That just doesn't happen anymore. And it's so wild. Because even with Adam, the man I married, I never wanted to just be with him.
I hope that what I dream of having with this certain man comes true one day. And that I don't lose my chance to show him I'm worth a shot. Everything happens for a reason. I'm moving back to San Diego, to be with my child, and who knows, maybe even be with him too. Lord knows I want him. Even though he's the biggest asshole I know, there is something more, that I refuse to give up on.
Man, that felt good to get out.
I know I have done some dumb shit in my day, things I should have never even dreamed about. I have hurt people, lied, stolen, broken the law, cheated, hustled, all of it. You name it, I probably have done it. But I've done a lot of good too. And always looked out for people that needed it. So why can't I catch a break? I pray everyday, I beg for forgiveness of the things I have done, and the people I have wronged, but will I be forgiven? And if I have been, why am I continuing to suffer like this? I know there are people in this world that have it way worse than I do, but I'm not living their life. I'm living mine, and it sucks of late. Nothing seems to be getting better. And I just want it to change. I know that in life, to have change you must make change.. I have though. So why no forward moving? Why no break?
And what gives with falling for people that probably wouldn't care if you existed or not? I fell completely in love with a man that I thought I hated years ago, and he doesn't care. I spent an incredible time with him and his family over the holidays, spent every day after our trip calling him, talking on web cam, writing him letters and sending him gifts. I made sure I was with him on Valentine's Day, and of course while I'm out there I fuck up and get hammered, act a fool, and lose what I thought I had. Which, now that I think about it, I probably didn't have. But it seemed like it. Just the way he spoke to me, the way whether I liked it or not, he would haunt my dreams, every night. And still does. I saw him a couple times this month. Of course we were both drinking on both occasions, and our last encounter was that of the sexual kind. I don't mind at all, he's the only person I want to be intimate with, and he knows it. But what does he think he does to me when I say those things to him, and then he comes back at me with things like, "I want to be a dad so bad" and "I wish I could cum in you" ... like, are you serious? why tell me this shit, drunk or not, Virginia, California, Ohio, where ever the hell we see each other, why say things that you know will be engraved in my brain? And now that I'm moving back to California, what should I expect? I'm not going there thinking he'll be mine, he's made it clear to me, I'll be waiting forever if I wait for him. But I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I'll wait forever. When he's near me, I'm happy. He's the only man I have desired in ages that has been a consistent desire. Not to mention the fact that I don't have an urge to sleep with anyone else. I mean, don't get me wrong, there will always be sexual fantasies that I'll have, but acting on them? That just doesn't happen anymore. And it's so wild. Because even with Adam, the man I married, I never wanted to just be with him.
I hope that what I dream of having with this certain man comes true one day. And that I don't lose my chance to show him I'm worth a shot. Everything happens for a reason. I'm moving back to San Diego, to be with my child, and who knows, maybe even be with him too. Lord knows I want him. Even though he's the biggest asshole I know, there is something more, that I refuse to give up on.
Man, that felt good to get out.