When Is Enough, Enough?
I've always had a problem setting personal boundaries. It is hard for me to stand up for myself because I fear coming across as being rude or stuck-up. I try to tell people, as best I can, what I am comfortable with, but sometimes those boundaries are not respected and I am left to either make allowances for the misstep, fume about it in silence, or openly address the issue with the offender.
Guess which one I usually choose?
A former friend of mine was probably the most selfish person I have ever met with her personal time. I cannot tell you how many times I'd ask her to go shopping or to see a movie and was told, "I can't do anything with you then because I take a nap at that time." Or, "I don't go out after work beause I am tired and don't really want to be with anyone for a while." Or, "My dog is the most important thing in my life. She has waited all day for me to take her outside and it wouldn't be fair to her to make her wait. I'm sorry."
In the beginning, I was taken aback by her brazenness. I like to take naps too, but I would never put one above doing something with a friend!
But over time, I noticed something about my friend. She was rarely overcommitted, tired or felt overwhelmed. She did not agree to do things at the last minute and never sought out opportunities at work that did not fit within the 9-5 framework. She rarely came to work before she was "required" to and was usually one of the first to leave.
At first, I resented her for it. How could she get away with taking so much time for herself? I wanted that time too, but I wasn't taking it! I believed if I said no to a friend, I might not be invited to do something else later. I believed if I didn't serve on a committee or volunteer to work on an extra project at work, I might not be as respected among my peers as I wanted to be.
In the end, what others thought about me was more important than what I thought about myself.
As the months passed by, I realized that even though I wouldn't be as abrasive as my friend was, that I too needed to be a little more selfish with my personal time. The word "no" is not in my vocabulary and people know it. If anyone needs anything, especially at the last minute, I was the person to go to. Why? Because they knew that I would do whatever I had to do to get the job done. Miss a meal? No problem. Stay late at night? No problem? Get to work two hours early? No problem.
But it was a problem!
I started to resent people for taking advantage of me, even though I was the one who had allowed that to happen! And so I started to say no.
At first, it was painful and awkward. I stuttered over excuses when none when needed. I tried to make other people feel better by trying to find someone else to help them out and that wasn't my place. I found myself apologizing for saying no and I shouldn't have.
It has been many years now since I discovered the power of "no". I have learned to say it tactfully but firmly. I have learned that my time is valuable and if I choose to spend it taking a nap, seeing a movie, going to a museum or having lunch with a friend, that is my prerogative. I shouldn't have to make excuses for taking care of myself.
Americans work more hours than any other workforce on the planet. The 24/7 mentality has prompted a wave of health problems previously seen only in people of retirement age. The lesson here? More is not necessarily better. A person's value shouldn't be tied to how much they do, but how they do it. (You know, quality over quantity!) And a person should never feel that someone else's failure to plan constitutes an emergency for everyone else!
Each person has to decide what the balance should be. Some days I can do a little more, and some days I only have the strength to do the bare minimum. But I am still valuable. In order for me to continue to be productive, I must take care of myself mentally and physically. Period.
I'm learning that sometimes enough is enough. If I allow others to take advantage of me, then I cannot complain about being a victim! By standing up for myself, I am showing the world that I know I have value (which I have doubted for so long) and want to protect it. There is nothing wrong with that.
I didn't agree with it at the time, but my former friend was on to something. Her personal time was her time. No exceptions. By being adamant in this fact, she ensured that nothing would interfere with her plans or minimize the relaxation that time represented.
As I look to a new school year, I know I will have to establish my boundaries once again. I know I can do that with confidence and if they are tested, as they surely will be, then I will draw that line in the sand once more.
Guess which one I usually choose?
A former friend of mine was probably the most selfish person I have ever met with her personal time. I cannot tell you how many times I'd ask her to go shopping or to see a movie and was told, "I can't do anything with you then because I take a nap at that time." Or, "I don't go out after work beause I am tired and don't really want to be with anyone for a while." Or, "My dog is the most important thing in my life. She has waited all day for me to take her outside and it wouldn't be fair to her to make her wait. I'm sorry."
In the beginning, I was taken aback by her brazenness. I like to take naps too, but I would never put one above doing something with a friend!
But over time, I noticed something about my friend. She was rarely overcommitted, tired or felt overwhelmed. She did not agree to do things at the last minute and never sought out opportunities at work that did not fit within the 9-5 framework. She rarely came to work before she was "required" to and was usually one of the first to leave.
At first, I resented her for it. How could she get away with taking so much time for herself? I wanted that time too, but I wasn't taking it! I believed if I said no to a friend, I might not be invited to do something else later. I believed if I didn't serve on a committee or volunteer to work on an extra project at work, I might not be as respected among my peers as I wanted to be.
In the end, what others thought about me was more important than what I thought about myself.
As the months passed by, I realized that even though I wouldn't be as abrasive as my friend was, that I too needed to be a little more selfish with my personal time. The word "no" is not in my vocabulary and people know it. If anyone needs anything, especially at the last minute, I was the person to go to. Why? Because they knew that I would do whatever I had to do to get the job done. Miss a meal? No problem. Stay late at night? No problem? Get to work two hours early? No problem.
But it was a problem!
I started to resent people for taking advantage of me, even though I was the one who had allowed that to happen! And so I started to say no.
At first, it was painful and awkward. I stuttered over excuses when none when needed. I tried to make other people feel better by trying to find someone else to help them out and that wasn't my place. I found myself apologizing for saying no and I shouldn't have.
It has been many years now since I discovered the power of "no". I have learned to say it tactfully but firmly. I have learned that my time is valuable and if I choose to spend it taking a nap, seeing a movie, going to a museum or having lunch with a friend, that is my prerogative. I shouldn't have to make excuses for taking care of myself.
Americans work more hours than any other workforce on the planet. The 24/7 mentality has prompted a wave of health problems previously seen only in people of retirement age. The lesson here? More is not necessarily better. A person's value shouldn't be tied to how much they do, but how they do it. (You know, quality over quantity!) And a person should never feel that someone else's failure to plan constitutes an emergency for everyone else!
Each person has to decide what the balance should be. Some days I can do a little more, and some days I only have the strength to do the bare minimum. But I am still valuable. In order for me to continue to be productive, I must take care of myself mentally and physically. Period.
I'm learning that sometimes enough is enough. If I allow others to take advantage of me, then I cannot complain about being a victim! By standing up for myself, I am showing the world that I know I have value (which I have doubted for so long) and want to protect it. There is nothing wrong with that.
I didn't agree with it at the time, but my former friend was on to something. Her personal time was her time. No exceptions. By being adamant in this fact, she ensured that nothing would interfere with her plans or minimize the relaxation that time represented.
As I look to a new school year, I know I will have to establish my boundaries once again. I know I can do that with confidence and if they are tested, as they surely will be, then I will draw that line in the sand once more.