Listening to Your Instincts
Gavin DeBecker is a world reknown specialist in indentifying, predictive violent behavior. He has spent more than 20 years helping presidents, government officials, celebrities and other individuals of influence, protect themselves from situations that may escalate into violence.
Several years ago, he was featured on Prime Time Live and discussed how something as innocent as a crush or mere fatuation can escalate into murder. (You can see the whole show on www.youtube.com) He discusses the reasons behind women being most often chosen as victims for violent crimes, and although it makes perfect sense to hear it, I think women should be reminded of some of things he said.
For myself, I spent my entire senior year in high school in fear. An older classmate wanted a relationship whereas I was interested only in friendship. My refusal to accept his attentions led to many months of stalking, disturbing phone calls, letters to me under the windshield wipers of my mother's car and every morning, fresh iris' on my front porch. If you were to walk around my house, you would have seen large footprints under my bedroom window where he had tried to watch me through my mini-blinds. Even after securing a restraining order, he was allowed to trail me through the halls of my high school and stare me down as I went from class to class. It was the scariest time in my life.
Mr. Debecker would tell you that I had inadvertantly created this situation and this is true. Women don't want to be rude and hope that by "letting a guy down gently", his feelings won't be as hurt. This is a mistake. According to Mr. Debecker, I should have been adamant and firm. Even though I made it clear I wasn't interested, my reactions to his behavior created interactions that never should have taken place. If he called, I answered and said, "please don't call me anymore." In hindsight, I never should have picked up the phone. Debecker believes I should have said something like this: "Look. I don't want a relationship with you. I do not want to see you or hear from you again. I am not going to change my mind. Because I have come to this conclusion, I am going to pursue other avenues and I hope you will as well." Period.
Debecker says men in our culture have been taught to "pursue" a women, that eventually their efforts will pay off, and that women have been taught to appreciate this effort, even if it isn't wanted.
In an interesting example, Debecker talks about a woman getting into an elevator. It's empty except for one, weird man. The woman knows this isn't a good idea, but if she lets the elevator go without her, the man may take it personally and she will appear rude. So, rather than listen to her instincts, she enters the elevator and prays for a quick ride. No other animal in the world would allow themselves to be purposely put into danger for fear of seeing rude! Yet we've all been in a situation like this, and probably done just what the woman did.
Nature has given us a "sixth sense" when it comes to identifying true danger. We are able to sense when things aren't right and use this information to trigger a "fight or flight" impulse. To ignore this instinct could be a fatal mistake.
I've shared with you before my tendancy to seek the good out in everyone. It is hard for me to imagine that anyone would want to hurt me, but the reality is, some might.
Pay attention to this instinct. Appearing rude is better than being dead anyday!
Several years ago, he was featured on Prime Time Live and discussed how something as innocent as a crush or mere fatuation can escalate into murder. (You can see the whole show on www.youtube.com) He discusses the reasons behind women being most often chosen as victims for violent crimes, and although it makes perfect sense to hear it, I think women should be reminded of some of things he said.
For myself, I spent my entire senior year in high school in fear. An older classmate wanted a relationship whereas I was interested only in friendship. My refusal to accept his attentions led to many months of stalking, disturbing phone calls, letters to me under the windshield wipers of my mother's car and every morning, fresh iris' on my front porch. If you were to walk around my house, you would have seen large footprints under my bedroom window where he had tried to watch me through my mini-blinds. Even after securing a restraining order, he was allowed to trail me through the halls of my high school and stare me down as I went from class to class. It was the scariest time in my life.
Mr. Debecker would tell you that I had inadvertantly created this situation and this is true. Women don't want to be rude and hope that by "letting a guy down gently", his feelings won't be as hurt. This is a mistake. According to Mr. Debecker, I should have been adamant and firm. Even though I made it clear I wasn't interested, my reactions to his behavior created interactions that never should have taken place. If he called, I answered and said, "please don't call me anymore." In hindsight, I never should have picked up the phone. Debecker believes I should have said something like this: "Look. I don't want a relationship with you. I do not want to see you or hear from you again. I am not going to change my mind. Because I have come to this conclusion, I am going to pursue other avenues and I hope you will as well." Period.
Debecker says men in our culture have been taught to "pursue" a women, that eventually their efforts will pay off, and that women have been taught to appreciate this effort, even if it isn't wanted.
In an interesting example, Debecker talks about a woman getting into an elevator. It's empty except for one, weird man. The woman knows this isn't a good idea, but if she lets the elevator go without her, the man may take it personally and she will appear rude. So, rather than listen to her instincts, she enters the elevator and prays for a quick ride. No other animal in the world would allow themselves to be purposely put into danger for fear of seeing rude! Yet we've all been in a situation like this, and probably done just what the woman did.
Nature has given us a "sixth sense" when it comes to identifying true danger. We are able to sense when things aren't right and use this information to trigger a "fight or flight" impulse. To ignore this instinct could be a fatal mistake.
I've shared with you before my tendancy to seek the good out in everyone. It is hard for me to imagine that anyone would want to hurt me, but the reality is, some might.
Pay attention to this instinct. Appearing rude is better than being dead anyday!