When To Tell A Secret
Growing up, children are taught to keep secrets. "No one likes a tattletale!" Secrets are pieces of information that are traditionally private and therefore not to be known by the world. In some instances, secrets are harmless, but in other cases, secrets shouldn't be kept.
My parents grew up in the "what happens behind closed doors is family business" school of thinking. This was a dangerous ideology and fostered a constant sense of confusion and anxiety within me growing up. I was never sure what I could say in front of relatives or even in front of the other parent. It seemed like I was always caught up in a vicious cycle of wanting to be honest, but always fearful of being too honest and exposing something I shouldn't. I learned to second-guess myself and continue to do so as an adult.
In my mind, every question I am asked is loaded. It is rare that I automatically answer questions because I am feverishly trying to structure a careful and often vague response. "If I say this, then this will happen...if I say that, then this may happen..." Ultimately it comes down to what should I say so I don't get into "trouble". A person's initial reaction to my answer will either prompt me to stop there or start to elaborate. Either way, I am often left with a sense of "I shouldn't have said that".
I believe a lot of my self-injury stemmed from secrets I was expected (but rarely asked) to keep. It was never anyones business how much my father worked, how much he made, what kinds of presents my parents exchanged, how we were disciplined or what was discussed at the dinner table. Never wanting to betray any kind of confidences (especially as the eldest child and privy to "adult" information), I learned very early in life to censor my words and cover my actions in order to maintain a certain image to the public eye.
As an adult, I don't believe in secrets. I believe if you have something to say to someone, you should be adult about it and tell them (with tact!) rather than just speak about them behind their back. I believe if someone has a piece of information that they don't want everyone to know, then they should keep it to themselves. (Franklin said a secret between three people could only be kept if two of them were dead. I think there is a lot of truth there). In an effort to not hurt other people's feelings or make them feel bad, many people have learned to "hide" their true feelings behind a cache of lies or excuses.
Everyone has things that they only want some people to know and not everyone else. But in the end, asking other people to keep that information to themselves is a tremendous burden few can carry. The first thing most people want to do when they hear is secret, is tell someone! Why? Because by knowing a piece of information, especially if it is unflattering, about someone else, we feel, in some way, superior. By having a chance to share that information first, we demonstrate a closer connection to the situation and somehow that empowers us.
I have nearly died for secrets. Looking back I wish I would have had the courage, many years ago, to be open and honest with my therapists. I can remember being asked a set of questions in high school by my therapist and vehemently denying what they were asking me about. This denial was a near-fatal error in judgment. Had I been forthcoming back then, I would not have spent the next 20+ years dealing with issues that could have, and should have, been addressed all those years ago. I believed I was strong enough to keep the secrets within my heart but did not realize the price I would pay for so doing.
One of the hardest things about secrets is finding out if they are true or not. If is it a negative secret, the person may deny it, even if it is true. If the secret is positive, the same issue remains. A person may claim the secret is true, even if it isn't, because they want it to be true so badly.
In the end, I believe secrets only hurt the people who keep them. A rapist is only exposed once his victims cry him out. An adulterer is caught only when a person who knows about the affair, makes that behavior known.
I've learned that secrets never go away, they just collect dust. Over time, a person may forget that something was a secret and then expose it. One slip of the tongue can have devastating consequences.
I like to think of my mind as a puzzle box. By dumping out the contents of the box onto the table, I can see what I am dealing with, assess the situation, and put the pieces where they need to go. To keep secrets, is like only shaking some of the pieces out of the box. The picture is never complete and no amount of time will allow one to "find" the missing pieces.
Sharing my struggles with self-injury represents a huge shaking of the puzzle box. Pieces I believed to be permanently lost have been found. Pieces I never thought I needed or had space for, are suddenly an instrumental part of the larger picture. By being honest with the world, my family and myself, the picture of who I am is slowly starting to take shape.
I am not saying that you too must be as vulnerable and exposed as I have chosen to be. Believe it or not, I am a very private person. I have learned to share with others only what I would want the world to know. If a piece of information is that personal and would make me feel bad for someone else to know about it, then I should probably keep it to myself.
I never want someone else to feel superior to me because they know something about me. I accept all of my choices and the consequences of those choices. I have learned that other people's secrets are not mine and therefore not my responsibility. I will not actively share them with others, but if something happens and they come out, I refuse to beat myself up over it any longer.
It's true that no one likes a tattletale. But it is also true that no one should burden someone else with a secret that is harmful or life-threatening.
Children and adults need to be reminded about information and how and when it is to be shared. Information is powerful and can sometimes be used to hurt other people. But if a person leads their life in such a way that there is no need for secrecy then they truly have nothing to worry about. By owning our behavior and choosing carefully, we ensure that there are no secrets.
My parents grew up in the "what happens behind closed doors is family business" school of thinking. This was a dangerous ideology and fostered a constant sense of confusion and anxiety within me growing up. I was never sure what I could say in front of relatives or even in front of the other parent. It seemed like I was always caught up in a vicious cycle of wanting to be honest, but always fearful of being too honest and exposing something I shouldn't. I learned to second-guess myself and continue to do so as an adult.
In my mind, every question I am asked is loaded. It is rare that I automatically answer questions because I am feverishly trying to structure a careful and often vague response. "If I say this, then this will happen...if I say that, then this may happen..." Ultimately it comes down to what should I say so I don't get into "trouble". A person's initial reaction to my answer will either prompt me to stop there or start to elaborate. Either way, I am often left with a sense of "I shouldn't have said that".
I believe a lot of my self-injury stemmed from secrets I was expected (but rarely asked) to keep. It was never anyones business how much my father worked, how much he made, what kinds of presents my parents exchanged, how we were disciplined or what was discussed at the dinner table. Never wanting to betray any kind of confidences (especially as the eldest child and privy to "adult" information), I learned very early in life to censor my words and cover my actions in order to maintain a certain image to the public eye.
As an adult, I don't believe in secrets. I believe if you have something to say to someone, you should be adult about it and tell them (with tact!) rather than just speak about them behind their back. I believe if someone has a piece of information that they don't want everyone to know, then they should keep it to themselves. (Franklin said a secret between three people could only be kept if two of them were dead. I think there is a lot of truth there). In an effort to not hurt other people's feelings or make them feel bad, many people have learned to "hide" their true feelings behind a cache of lies or excuses.
Everyone has things that they only want some people to know and not everyone else. But in the end, asking other people to keep that information to themselves is a tremendous burden few can carry. The first thing most people want to do when they hear is secret, is tell someone! Why? Because by knowing a piece of information, especially if it is unflattering, about someone else, we feel, in some way, superior. By having a chance to share that information first, we demonstrate a closer connection to the situation and somehow that empowers us.
I have nearly died for secrets. Looking back I wish I would have had the courage, many years ago, to be open and honest with my therapists. I can remember being asked a set of questions in high school by my therapist and vehemently denying what they were asking me about. This denial was a near-fatal error in judgment. Had I been forthcoming back then, I would not have spent the next 20+ years dealing with issues that could have, and should have, been addressed all those years ago. I believed I was strong enough to keep the secrets within my heart but did not realize the price I would pay for so doing.
One of the hardest things about secrets is finding out if they are true or not. If is it a negative secret, the person may deny it, even if it is true. If the secret is positive, the same issue remains. A person may claim the secret is true, even if it isn't, because they want it to be true so badly.
In the end, I believe secrets only hurt the people who keep them. A rapist is only exposed once his victims cry him out. An adulterer is caught only when a person who knows about the affair, makes that behavior known.
I've learned that secrets never go away, they just collect dust. Over time, a person may forget that something was a secret and then expose it. One slip of the tongue can have devastating consequences.
I like to think of my mind as a puzzle box. By dumping out the contents of the box onto the table, I can see what I am dealing with, assess the situation, and put the pieces where they need to go. To keep secrets, is like only shaking some of the pieces out of the box. The picture is never complete and no amount of time will allow one to "find" the missing pieces.
Sharing my struggles with self-injury represents a huge shaking of the puzzle box. Pieces I believed to be permanently lost have been found. Pieces I never thought I needed or had space for, are suddenly an instrumental part of the larger picture. By being honest with the world, my family and myself, the picture of who I am is slowly starting to take shape.
I am not saying that you too must be as vulnerable and exposed as I have chosen to be. Believe it or not, I am a very private person. I have learned to share with others only what I would want the world to know. If a piece of information is that personal and would make me feel bad for someone else to know about it, then I should probably keep it to myself.
I never want someone else to feel superior to me because they know something about me. I accept all of my choices and the consequences of those choices. I have learned that other people's secrets are not mine and therefore not my responsibility. I will not actively share them with others, but if something happens and they come out, I refuse to beat myself up over it any longer.
It's true that no one likes a tattletale. But it is also true that no one should burden someone else with a secret that is harmful or life-threatening.
Children and adults need to be reminded about information and how and when it is to be shared. Information is powerful and can sometimes be used to hurt other people. But if a person leads their life in such a way that there is no need for secrecy then they truly have nothing to worry about. By owning our behavior and choosing carefully, we ensure that there are no secrets.