Patches Goes Shopping, part 1
I was driving Patches to the grocery store, and she was in the front seat staring ahead thoughtfully. Someone cut us off on the main road, and Patches growled. I was not happy with being cut off, either, so I played “Hoes” by Ying Yang Twins, “Move Bitch” by Ludacris, and “Falcon Punch” by DarthSydePhineas.
“FALCON PUNCH! FALCON PUNCH! FALCON PUNCH! Bitch! Whoosh! FALCON PUNCH! BITCH! FALCON PUNCH!” DarthSydePhineas rapped on the car radio: https://youtu.be/TCub46w--cM?si=dKYBFH_PjNRZcWRD.
Patches was punching the air to the song. It helped me cope with the terrible drivers on the road.
“Move bitch get out of the way bitch get out of the way!” DarthSydePhineas sang with Ludacris on my track.
“Did you know that Ludacris is a normal person now?” Patches asked.
“I heard it, but I don’t believe it. Ludacris always seemed like he was going to be Ludacris,” I said.
“Apparently not,” Patches said. “He is no longer Ludacris. Ludacris is dead.”
I pulled into the grocery store and parked. I then turned to Patches and shouted, “HWHHHAT?!”
“Yep. Ludacris as we knew him is dead,” Patches said as she undid her seatbelt. “But Lil’ Jon is still bumpin’.”
“That’s a relief. If Lil’ Jon ever becomes normal, the world would implode,” I said.
“It’s two inches away from it anyway,” Patches said as we both got out of the car to shop for food.
“True. I REALLLLLLY don’t know how much more I can take,” I said. “To say that I am fed up with the current prices of food and the economy being a toilet party is a complete understatement.”
“My cat ass can’t take that much more bulllllllshit, either,” Patches said as she and I entered the grocery store.
All of a sudden, DarthSydePhineas’s classic hit, “This Is For My Channel, Bitch,” came on the grocery store’s radio: https://youtu.be/CKblpOEIDn8?si=e4Lwp3LCMe-6FuDB. Some wild techno video game music played in the background. The youth of America danced around while they shopped for essentials because that’s all they could ever fucking afford.
“This is for my taco, bitch!” Patches shouted.
“There’s no fucking ham, dude,” I retorted.
“At least there isn’t Domino Pizza in these tacos,” Patches said.
“Ewww it’s Dominos!” I said as I picked up some Romaine lettuce.
“This is for my taco, bitch! This is This is This is This is This is! This is for my taco, bitch! Mrrrow!” Patches shouted as the song ended.
The next song that played was “Two Big Djinn Tig Knif-fies!” by Chef Darth Phineas: https://youtu.be/TOdfmxvskDg?si=1mz1GYUZ2PozsRKe. This was the rap name for Phineas Bernstain when he went to culinary school during his rap career. It was the most appropriate song this grocery store ever played. Patches was dancing down and dirty while she and I were picking tomatoes, peppers, olives, tomatillos, onions, celery, spinach, and basil.
“That’s how it works. What the hell? Is Jasmine in the knife?” Chef Darth Phineas asked over the intercom. Some other dude was talking bullshit in the background.
“I am all right,” Jasmine answered over the intercom.
“Yep. She’s in the knife,” Chef Darth Phineas said before jive turkey beasts played loudly over the intercom.
“We’ll kick those tomatoes’ asses with a fucking knife. Those bitches got pwned with your fucking knife!” Chef Darth Phineas sang. Music played loudly!
“Oh shit here they come! Fuck those motherfuckers! Chop those motherfuckers with a knife!” Chef Darth Phineas rapped.
“Do you need a new knife, Xara?” Patches asked.
“Come to think of it, yeah,” I said.
We grabbed the knife after we finished shopping in the produce section.
“The macaroni is in the next aisle. Let’s grab it,” Patches said.
“How many boxes of Annie’s Mac N Cheese do we need?” I asked.
“A lot. At least 10 or 11. Maybe 15. Count Vanilla Manilla, Kings Chocolate-covered Gummy Bears, Captain Asshat, Captain Sims, King Bruce Ace, Pauno, Lindsay, Nugget, Prince Carrington, Jaybird, Mikel Cerka, Zerral Kane, Lorin the Goat, Captain Paul the Goat, Dib Sherma, Miranda Johnson, Queen Megen, Queen Bartholema, and a lot more people. Count Vanilla Manilla also called DarthSydePhineas to perform at the party,” Patches said with excitement.
I was pulling boxes of macaroni and cheese off the shelf like it was going out of style.
The next song to play on the intercom was “Muh Bills” by DarthSydePhineas: https://youtu.be/HycOWFERaYs?si=J9ckTjhTFYs6Rft8. “I NEED THAT MONEY! I REALLY REALLY DO! I NEED THAT MONEY!” he rapped.
A beautiful piano score played, and customers began using coupons like mad. The Grinch tore open a magazine looking for coupons.
Patches was dancing as we headed toward the taco shell aisle. We were loading the cart with boxes of taco shells and tortillas.
“Hello, everyone. My name is DarthSydePhin. I need that money. I need that money! To pay my bills!” DarthSydePhineas said on the intercom.
Another customer checked out. Then we bought ten pounds of 90/10 ground meat.
“Stupid Fucking Trolls. I was just want to chill,” DarthSydePhineas rapped. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”
The freezers then sang, “50 bitch here!” then turned themselves up.
“Let’s get the cheese,” Patches said.
“Put your hands in your hair!” DarthSydePhineas rapped on the intercom.
“50 bit bitch! 50 bitch here!” the customers rapped. “Put your hands in the air!” They each spent $50 on a bit of groceries. One customer spent $50 on nine bags of chips. Inflation is a 50 bit bitch.
“Put your hands in the air!” DarthSydePhineas rapped.
Everyone put their hands in the air for a second before resuming their daily activities. We have to account for the transgender customers that were trying to take over the store.
We arrived at the shredded/sliced cheese aisle. Then Patches and I grabbed 50 pounds of various cheeses.
“I need that cheddar! I really really do! I need that cheddar!” Patches and I rapped together.
The grocery store started to change into a creamery. Patches and I called ourselves “Patches Two Power.” We called our rap, “My Cheese” on Patches’ Nightmare Studio, copyright 2024.
A mouse was playing piano, and a rat was mixing the soundtrack. I was in a gray mouse costume.
“I need that cheddar,” Patches started to rap. “I really really do I need that cheddar.”
Circular blocks of cheddar cheese fell from the ceiling and made huge ‘thud’ sounds and made the floor crack. I was dancing around the cheddar. Then I fell through the floor.
“I need that money. I really really do. I need that cheddar,” Patches rapped. “I really need that cheddar. I really do. I really really do. I need that cheddar.”
A giant block of cheddar crushed us.
“I really need that cheddar. I need that cheddar! That cheddar! That cheddar!” Patches rapped as her head stuck out of the cheddar wheel.
The music slowed down.
“Ahem,” Patches cleared her throat. “Hello, everybody. It’s Patches Peterson. I need that cheddar. To make those tacos. Taco mac. Taco mac dip. Taco dip. Stupid Fucking Mice, man. I just wanna eat. I rock back and forth on the Cheese and Corn-Axis. Tip me, so I can catch up on food taxes. Making large stacks, refunding cheese trays, and my growl sounds like Mrrow Mrrow Mrrow.”
The sounds of cats growling was in the background.
“Mozzarrella, Gorgonzola, 50 bucks here! PUT YOUR PAWS IN THE AIR!” Patches shouted.
DarkSydePhineas sneezed in the background.
“Provolone! Colby Jack! Cheddar Jack! PUT YOUR PAWS IN THE AIR!” Patches shouted.
The music played for a split second before Patches rapped again.
“I need that cheddar. I really really do. I need that cheddar… I-I really need that cheddar!” Patches rapped.
“DAYUM! You got fucked up!” I shouted.
“I really need that cheddar. I need that cheddar. I really really do. I need that cheddar,” Patches rapped.
“SIS YOU’RE NOT GETTING THAT CHEDDAR!” I shouted.
Patches danced before she continued, “I really need that money!”
“Sis, it’s fucked up that you’re getting stalled,” I said. “Damn. Ya killed both of them. And left!” I started laughing. “And then you spectate. What in the world?”
“I really need that cheddar. Really need that cheddar. I need that cheddar,” Patches rapped. “That cheddar. That cheddar. I want to have cheese wheels. No distracting meece.”
Mice were running around the creamery.
“No bathroom breaks. Playing Double You Double You Cheese. Relaxing cheese saunas. Of Cheese Fighter 3. It’s like I have my fridge back from 20-21. American. Wisconsin. Nacho Cheese. Put your paws in the air,” Patches rapped.
Nugget barked. Somehow, he followed us to the creamery.
“Barky Cheese here. Cheesy bark there. Swissy Blue Cheese. Pepper Jack Cheese. Put your paws in the air,” Patches rapped.
Nugget barked a series of barks.
“I need that cheddar. I really, really do. I need that cheddar!” Patches rapped as her head bobbled in an exaggerated manner.
I thought her head was going to fall off her body.
“I really need that cheddar. That cheddar! That cheddar!” Patches rapped as her body exploded.
“How are you dead?” I asked.
Patches then had DarkSydePhineas’s body and continued to laugh and rap, “I need that money. I really really do. I need that cheddar. I really need that cheddar.”
“This is the definition of trolling. You know, I’m good,” I said.
Fish then started swimming in the cheddar. One fish bit my ass. Another fish bit a King Chocolate-covered Gummy Bear’s ass. That King Chocolate-covered Gummy Bear was my bear.
“This fish actually trolled me. I can’t get out. This song glitched on me,” my bear said.
“I guess we’re doing fish and ground beef taco mac,” I said.
“Yup!” Lil’ Jon from the East Side Boyz said.
We discovered that Lil’ Jon was normal, and the world imploded. The creamery reverted back to the grocery store.
Fish and ground beef landed in our cart. There were 10 pounds of ground beef and 10 large fish in our cart.
Patches turned into DarkSydePatches. “There is no way you know my healing powers. You’re clearly from another world. You’re not even healing. People keep destroying your fucking pylon. You’re playing Hatari. You are not placing pylon.”
“You’re at the shore. Look at this. This fish at the shore. These fish are on crack today. Ow!” my bear shouted.
“Why would you place that fish there?” DarkSydePatches shouted.
The dogs barked. A pitbull mix, a pure black Labrador, and a German shepherd chased everyone at the store.
“What are we doing? Let’s check out the map. Why does this happen? I can go in reverse. I can’t. This world is bugged out. Five miles an hour. Look at this. I gotta go in reverse. This is garbage. What happened? Give me some pole. I’m in the middle of the lake. There’s no way it’s this buggy! This is dumb. I don’t know where I’m going. I wish I could zoom out. I’m gonna hit a bridge. Might be stuck GOLLY! This boat is GARBAGE!” my bear bitched and sighed. He hit a bridge.
“My hands hurt,” I said while laughing.
“My eyes are burning. This is dumb,” my bear said.
“Hell yeah!” DarkSydePatches shouted. “I got hit by a boat. I got by the goddamn mouse!” She flew across the lake near a mouse that happened to be in a paddle boat. That mouse looked like it came straight out of a Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme book.
A bunch of customers were hooping and hollering. They were screaming out of excitement.
“I’m going South. I guess this way is South. How dumb is this? I’m serious look out how dumb this is. I actually don’t know. There’s an arrow. Where’s the compass?” my bear asked.
The song stopped, and we all just went to the checkout. I was done shopping and just wanted to make Taco Mac for Vanilla Mac.
“FALCON PUNCH! FALCON PUNCH! FALCON PUNCH! Bitch! Whoosh! FALCON PUNCH! BITCH! FALCON PUNCH!” DarthSydePhineas rapped on the car radio: https://youtu.be/TCub46w--cM?si=dKYBFH_PjNRZcWRD.
Patches was punching the air to the song. It helped me cope with the terrible drivers on the road.
“Move bitch get out of the way bitch get out of the way!” DarthSydePhineas sang with Ludacris on my track.
“Did you know that Ludacris is a normal person now?” Patches asked.
“I heard it, but I don’t believe it. Ludacris always seemed like he was going to be Ludacris,” I said.
“Apparently not,” Patches said. “He is no longer Ludacris. Ludacris is dead.”
I pulled into the grocery store and parked. I then turned to Patches and shouted, “HWHHHAT?!”
“Yep. Ludacris as we knew him is dead,” Patches said as she undid her seatbelt. “But Lil’ Jon is still bumpin’.”
“That’s a relief. If Lil’ Jon ever becomes normal, the world would implode,” I said.
“It’s two inches away from it anyway,” Patches said as we both got out of the car to shop for food.
“True. I REALLLLLLY don’t know how much more I can take,” I said. “To say that I am fed up with the current prices of food and the economy being a toilet party is a complete understatement.”
“My cat ass can’t take that much more bulllllllshit, either,” Patches said as she and I entered the grocery store.
All of a sudden, DarthSydePhineas’s classic hit, “This Is For My Channel, Bitch,” came on the grocery store’s radio: https://youtu.be/CKblpOEIDn8?si=e4Lwp3LCMe-6FuDB. Some wild techno video game music played in the background. The youth of America danced around while they shopped for essentials because that’s all they could ever fucking afford.
“This is for my taco, bitch!” Patches shouted.
“There’s no fucking ham, dude,” I retorted.
“At least there isn’t Domino Pizza in these tacos,” Patches said.
“Ewww it’s Dominos!” I said as I picked up some Romaine lettuce.
“This is for my taco, bitch! This is This is This is This is This is! This is for my taco, bitch! Mrrrow!” Patches shouted as the song ended.
The next song that played was “Two Big Djinn Tig Knif-fies!” by Chef Darth Phineas: https://youtu.be/TOdfmxvskDg?si=1mz1GYUZ2PozsRKe. This was the rap name for Phineas Bernstain when he went to culinary school during his rap career. It was the most appropriate song this grocery store ever played. Patches was dancing down and dirty while she and I were picking tomatoes, peppers, olives, tomatillos, onions, celery, spinach, and basil.
“That’s how it works. What the hell? Is Jasmine in the knife?” Chef Darth Phineas asked over the intercom. Some other dude was talking bullshit in the background.
“I am all right,” Jasmine answered over the intercom.
“Yep. She’s in the knife,” Chef Darth Phineas said before jive turkey beasts played loudly over the intercom.
“We’ll kick those tomatoes’ asses with a fucking knife. Those bitches got pwned with your fucking knife!” Chef Darth Phineas sang. Music played loudly!
“Oh shit here they come! Fuck those motherfuckers! Chop those motherfuckers with a knife!” Chef Darth Phineas rapped.
“Do you need a new knife, Xara?” Patches asked.
“Come to think of it, yeah,” I said.
We grabbed the knife after we finished shopping in the produce section.
“The macaroni is in the next aisle. Let’s grab it,” Patches said.
“How many boxes of Annie’s Mac N Cheese do we need?” I asked.
“A lot. At least 10 or 11. Maybe 15. Count Vanilla Manilla, Kings Chocolate-covered Gummy Bears, Captain Asshat, Captain Sims, King Bruce Ace, Pauno, Lindsay, Nugget, Prince Carrington, Jaybird, Mikel Cerka, Zerral Kane, Lorin the Goat, Captain Paul the Goat, Dib Sherma, Miranda Johnson, Queen Megen, Queen Bartholema, and a lot more people. Count Vanilla Manilla also called DarthSydePhineas to perform at the party,” Patches said with excitement.
I was pulling boxes of macaroni and cheese off the shelf like it was going out of style.
The next song to play on the intercom was “Muh Bills” by DarthSydePhineas: https://youtu.be/HycOWFERaYs?si=J9ckTjhTFYs6Rft8. “I NEED THAT MONEY! I REALLY REALLY DO! I NEED THAT MONEY!” he rapped.
A beautiful piano score played, and customers began using coupons like mad. The Grinch tore open a magazine looking for coupons.
Patches was dancing as we headed toward the taco shell aisle. We were loading the cart with boxes of taco shells and tortillas.
“Hello, everyone. My name is DarthSydePhin. I need that money. I need that money! To pay my bills!” DarthSydePhineas said on the intercom.
Another customer checked out. Then we bought ten pounds of 90/10 ground meat.
“Stupid Fucking Trolls. I was just want to chill,” DarthSydePhineas rapped. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”
The freezers then sang, “50 bitch here!” then turned themselves up.
“Let’s get the cheese,” Patches said.
“Put your hands in your hair!” DarthSydePhineas rapped on the intercom.
“50 bit bitch! 50 bitch here!” the customers rapped. “Put your hands in the air!” They each spent $50 on a bit of groceries. One customer spent $50 on nine bags of chips. Inflation is a 50 bit bitch.
“Put your hands in the air!” DarthSydePhineas rapped.
Everyone put their hands in the air for a second before resuming their daily activities. We have to account for the transgender customers that were trying to take over the store.
We arrived at the shredded/sliced cheese aisle. Then Patches and I grabbed 50 pounds of various cheeses.
“I need that cheddar! I really really do! I need that cheddar!” Patches and I rapped together.
The grocery store started to change into a creamery. Patches and I called ourselves “Patches Two Power.” We called our rap, “My Cheese” on Patches’ Nightmare Studio, copyright 2024.
A mouse was playing piano, and a rat was mixing the soundtrack. I was in a gray mouse costume.
“I need that cheddar,” Patches started to rap. “I really really do I need that cheddar.”
Circular blocks of cheddar cheese fell from the ceiling and made huge ‘thud’ sounds and made the floor crack. I was dancing around the cheddar. Then I fell through the floor.
“I need that money. I really really do. I need that cheddar,” Patches rapped. “I really need that cheddar. I really do. I really really do. I need that cheddar.”
A giant block of cheddar crushed us.
“I really need that cheddar. I need that cheddar! That cheddar! That cheddar!” Patches rapped as her head stuck out of the cheddar wheel.
The music slowed down.
“Ahem,” Patches cleared her throat. “Hello, everybody. It’s Patches Peterson. I need that cheddar. To make those tacos. Taco mac. Taco mac dip. Taco dip. Stupid Fucking Mice, man. I just wanna eat. I rock back and forth on the Cheese and Corn-Axis. Tip me, so I can catch up on food taxes. Making large stacks, refunding cheese trays, and my growl sounds like Mrrow Mrrow Mrrow.”
The sounds of cats growling was in the background.
“Mozzarrella, Gorgonzola, 50 bucks here! PUT YOUR PAWS IN THE AIR!” Patches shouted.
DarkSydePhineas sneezed in the background.
“Provolone! Colby Jack! Cheddar Jack! PUT YOUR PAWS IN THE AIR!” Patches shouted.
The music played for a split second before Patches rapped again.
“I need that cheddar. I really really do. I need that cheddar… I-I really need that cheddar!” Patches rapped.
“DAYUM! You got fucked up!” I shouted.
“I really need that cheddar. I need that cheddar. I really really do. I need that cheddar,” Patches rapped.
“SIS YOU’RE NOT GETTING THAT CHEDDAR!” I shouted.
Patches danced before she continued, “I really need that money!”
“Sis, it’s fucked up that you’re getting stalled,” I said. “Damn. Ya killed both of them. And left!” I started laughing. “And then you spectate. What in the world?”
“I really need that cheddar. Really need that cheddar. I need that cheddar,” Patches rapped. “That cheddar. That cheddar. I want to have cheese wheels. No distracting meece.”
Mice were running around the creamery.
“No bathroom breaks. Playing Double You Double You Cheese. Relaxing cheese saunas. Of Cheese Fighter 3. It’s like I have my fridge back from 20-21. American. Wisconsin. Nacho Cheese. Put your paws in the air,” Patches rapped.
Nugget barked. Somehow, he followed us to the creamery.
“Barky Cheese here. Cheesy bark there. Swissy Blue Cheese. Pepper Jack Cheese. Put your paws in the air,” Patches rapped.
Nugget barked a series of barks.
“I need that cheddar. I really, really do. I need that cheddar!” Patches rapped as her head bobbled in an exaggerated manner.
I thought her head was going to fall off her body.
“I really need that cheddar. That cheddar! That cheddar!” Patches rapped as her body exploded.
“How are you dead?” I asked.
Patches then had DarkSydePhineas’s body and continued to laugh and rap, “I need that money. I really really do. I need that cheddar. I really need that cheddar.”
“This is the definition of trolling. You know, I’m good,” I said.
Fish then started swimming in the cheddar. One fish bit my ass. Another fish bit a King Chocolate-covered Gummy Bear’s ass. That King Chocolate-covered Gummy Bear was my bear.
“This fish actually trolled me. I can’t get out. This song glitched on me,” my bear said.
“I guess we’re doing fish and ground beef taco mac,” I said.
“Yup!” Lil’ Jon from the East Side Boyz said.
We discovered that Lil’ Jon was normal, and the world imploded. The creamery reverted back to the grocery store.
Fish and ground beef landed in our cart. There were 10 pounds of ground beef and 10 large fish in our cart.
Patches turned into DarkSydePatches. “There is no way you know my healing powers. You’re clearly from another world. You’re not even healing. People keep destroying your fucking pylon. You’re playing Hatari. You are not placing pylon.”
“You’re at the shore. Look at this. This fish at the shore. These fish are on crack today. Ow!” my bear shouted.
“Why would you place that fish there?” DarkSydePatches shouted.
The dogs barked. A pitbull mix, a pure black Labrador, and a German shepherd chased everyone at the store.
“What are we doing? Let’s check out the map. Why does this happen? I can go in reverse. I can’t. This world is bugged out. Five miles an hour. Look at this. I gotta go in reverse. This is garbage. What happened? Give me some pole. I’m in the middle of the lake. There’s no way it’s this buggy! This is dumb. I don’t know where I’m going. I wish I could zoom out. I’m gonna hit a bridge. Might be stuck GOLLY! This boat is GARBAGE!” my bear bitched and sighed. He hit a bridge.
“My hands hurt,” I said while laughing.
“My eyes are burning. This is dumb,” my bear said.
“Hell yeah!” DarkSydePatches shouted. “I got hit by a boat. I got by the goddamn mouse!” She flew across the lake near a mouse that happened to be in a paddle boat. That mouse looked like it came straight out of a Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme book.
A bunch of customers were hooping and hollering. They were screaming out of excitement.
“I’m going South. I guess this way is South. How dumb is this? I’m serious look out how dumb this is. I actually don’t know. There’s an arrow. Where’s the compass?” my bear asked.
The song stopped, and we all just went to the checkout. I was done shopping and just wanted to make Taco Mac for Vanilla Mac.