Another Toilet Breaks
Another Toilet Breaks
A/N: Making fun of Southern women, suggested incest
I arrived at Peter's side of the house because Godiva was busy talking on the phone as she was twirling a strand of her brunette curly hair with her finger. When a woman is twirling her hair with her finger, you do not bother her.
Peter also looked busy because he answered the door with a pencil in his hand. "Sup?" he asked with a head nod.
"Well, I was thinking of ways to troll you diabolically," I said as I entered the door.
"Oh of course!" Peter said before a fly flew and danced around his head. He looked at the fly with the meanest scowl. "You mother fucker!" He turned to Godiva's side of the house. "MOM! Where's the fly swatter!!!!!????"
I laughed because my phone went off. Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater was calling.
"THOR! How art thee?" I asked.
"My world is unraveling. The VA has hacked my computer! I'm beating the hell out of it now!!!" Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater yelled.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Peter yelled.
I turned my attention to Peter's turning of attention to a tanned human-like walrus woman with big legs and sagging breasts. Unfortunately, this creature was wearing a bikini and mowing the lawn. There was a rag on the back of her bikini that made it look like there was a rip in her royal blue bikini bottom.
I heard Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater beating his laptop to smithereens while I was trying to process what happened to the fly, Peter, and me. The fly dropped out of the air out of sheer fright. Peter then beat the fly to smithereens with his big hand to relieve his stress and anxiety.
"What is that indeed?" I asked.
In other news, Jamie rolled into Peter's side of the duplex and wanted him to call an upholsterer regarding his van of some year.
Tug rushed and saw the walrus woman with legs. "Holy Fuck what is that?" he asked and stopped dead in his tracks. He saw the same horrific sight Peter and I saw: the walrus woman with legs wearing a bikini mowing a lawn.
I did not process the fact that she too had an extensive toilet garden. I thought Godiva was the only woman who felt the need to have a toilet garden. Must be a Southern woman thing...
"Peter... she has a toilet garden," I said.
"What?! Again!?" Peter asked as he took a closer look out the window. "Fuck! The toilets follow me!!!"
"Toilets are everywhere, now call the upholsterer," Jamie said calmly.
Peter screamed before he ran away from the window and called the upholsterer.
"Yes. Hello. This is Peter W. Parker, the son of Jamie Parker, of course, ahem, a client of yours. Anyway, the roof of the van is falling apart on the 2000 2000 what... One? Dad...? DAD! What's the year of the van?!... DAD...," Peter was attempting to leave a message on the unfortunate upholsterer's answering machine.
"Yes. 2001, Peter," Jamie answered.
Meanwhile Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater was swearing over the phone to me in Nordic at his accursed laptop as he continued to beat the hell out of it. "Motherfuck.... Damn E-mail!"
"2001 Chrysler Dodger Van, and we need it fixed or my father's world as we know it will end. Please help. Thank you," Peter finished the voicemail and hung up the phone. "Ughhhhh! Jesus."
"I hate those phone calls. I make those more often than I care to admit," I said to Peter.
"I do, too!" Peter yelled.
"I hate this laptop!!!" Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater said as he screamed in Gaelic.
A phone call was coming in on another line. Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig was on the other line.
"Mr. Thor, I need to tend to my walrus bear pig. Call you later," I said.
"Ahhhhhh!!! I gotta shit!!!" Peter yelled as he ran to the toilet.
Tug followed Peter to the bathroom.
"I'm going to check on Godiva. She was ordering broken toilets for her garden," Jamie said as he wheeled away.
I heard a chorus of ploops and farts as Peter was taking a crap in the toilet. Tug waited outside of the bathroom door.
Mr. Thor was beating his laptop and swearing while not giving a fuck about me at that point.
I switched lines, "Hello BaeWhuhh. Bullshit happens here," I said as I laughed.
"Oh God. What?!" Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig asked.
"Well, Peter is fucked up. He had a pencil in his hand before a fly assaulted him," I said with a laugh.
"Speaking of flies, a millipede is crawling on the floor. Let me squash it. I swear I'm going to fucking spray this entire house for bugs!' Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig yelled as he squashed the bug.
"I know. Millipedes are constantly assaulting Peter. Lol," I said.
"What else happened?" Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig asked.
"We saw a walrus woman with legs who was wearing a bikini and mowing the lawn!" I yelled. "The fly dropped to the ground in fright, and Peter smashed it with his bare hand."
Peter was still pooping in the background, and his butt was singing an opera of diarrhea.
"Oh wow. That's fucked up, bae. Not a good image to have," Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig said.
"Yeah. She had a rag hanging from the back of her bikini. I thought her bikini had a rip in it. Very disturbing," I said as I shook my head.
Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater called me back, but I was still finishing my conversation with Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig.
Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig laughed loudly before yelling, "Haha Woooooowwwwwww!!!" He continued to laugh.
"Yeah. Then Peter is now taking a dump. He had to call an upholsterer earlier, and he didn't know what was happening from Adam. Haha," I said as I chuckled.
"OH NOW WHAT THE FUCK?! MY BITCHASS TOILET WON'T FLUSH. OF course not. Fucking asshole!" Peter yelled at his toilet through the door.
"I wanted to let you know that Kissy laid with me while I slept. I just woke up. She looks like a T-Rex orange tabby with a long body and short legs," Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig said.
"She takes after you, Bae," I said with a laugh.
"Haha. I know. I'm still tired. You have got to be exhausted," Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig said.
"I'm slaphappy, and Peter is screaming at the toilet and banging on it," I said with a laugh.
Peter bleated out of distress. He was also part of the secret society of goats. In fact, he was half a rank above me.
I responded with a bleat to calm his nerves.
"I called to tell you you need rest. Go help Peter. He sounds fucked up," Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig said.
"He is," I said.
"Well, I love ya," Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig said.
"Love you, too," I said before Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater called me again.
Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig hung up before I switched to Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater's line.
"Yes?" I asked over the phone as I knocked on Peter's bathroom door.
Peter screamed in an Afrikaan language before he shouted, "I am so sick of this mother-fucking toilet in this mother-fucking bathroom!!!" Peter yelled again as I heard a crash.
"I need help beating my mother-fucking laptop. It won't die. The government is tracking me, and I won't stand for this. I'm a Norse God!" Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater yelled.
"I will be there when I can. Peter had diarrhea," I said as I knocked on the door.
Peter bleated in extreme distress as I heard more porcelain breaking.
"Oh God. And I thought I had issues. Send some of his diarrhea to the motherfuckers who are tracking me," Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater said.
"Haha. Yeah, really. I'm surprised Peter has a butt left," I said.
"Fuck you!" Peter yelled as I heard something fly out of the bathroom window. At first, I thought he was telling to me.
I couldn't help but crack up.
"What the fuck now?" Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater asked.
"I think Peter threw his toilet out of the window," I said as I belly-laughed.
Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater laughed uncontrollably. "You need to get here ASAP to get the fuck away from that guy. He is fucked up," he said as he continued laughing. "I need to beat the laptop. This goddamn thing is pissing me off."
I laughed loudly. "No problem. Let me fix this asshole. Then I'll be there," I said.
"Yeah, literally," Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater said with laugh before he hung up.
I saw a mallet come through the bathroom door. I jumped back and stared at the bathroom door.
"Holy Shit fuck this! I'm leaving," Tug said as he hauled ass out of the house.
The mallet tore through the fucking door. Peter kept beating the shit out of the door. "Another fucking toilet broke! God. Dammit. I thought I was done with toilets randomly breaking. It happened non-stop at the other house," he began to rant before he hit the door again. "I guess I was wrong. This motherfucker broke, too. I guess I was destined to not have a fucking toilet. I threw that son of a bitch out of the window. I'm done with toilets. I'll just shit in a hole in the floor and flush it down with a bucket. Why not? All of Africa does that!! I'm black! It's fitting!!!!"
At that moment, the effects of the West Nile virus have subsided, and Peter returned to his original form. He looked like current Godiva's twin brother.
"Ohhhhhh fuck you! I was just getting used to being black, too. I guess I have to buy another toilet and new bathroom door! This door was a fuckin' piece of shit anyway!!!!" Peter yelled as he beat the ever-living shit out of the door. He added a kick for dramatic effect. He made that bitch look like cardboard.
I held my right hand to my heart and started laughing hysterically.
"I'm ordering a new toilet. Fuck this. As soon as I get my dog back in the house, I'm ordering a new toilet AND A DOOR THAT ACTUALLY FUCKIN' WORKS!!! Not to mention another fucking window. Fuuuuck it. I'll remodel the whole bathroom!!!" he yelled at the pile of wood on the floor. "I need to fix this house. My parents gave me the bullshit side of the house, that's for sure!!!" He continued to rant like a psycho as he carried his mallet with him to the outside world. "I just want a toilet that fucking works! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!!!????"
I followed him out in the hallway and started laughing again. "YES!!!" I yelled as I burst out laughing.
His phone started ringing and thereby caused the Pokemon battle theme song to start playing.
"Oh for the love of God!" Peter yelled as he went to answer his phone. He looked at the caller ID. "OH GOD IT'S PAUL!!!!!" He screamed before he answered the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey Peter. You sound normal. How are you?" Paul asked.
Peter laughed hysterically before he answered. "Anything but. My dog escaped the premises, and my toilet just broke," he said.
I chuckled at the response.
"That's some tough shit to deal with right there," Paul said with a chuckle. "Sorry to hear. By the way, I need you to work tomorrow."
"Thank you. I appreciate it," Peter said as he was grinding his teeth and squeezing the phone.
"No problem. See you at 9 a.m. sharp in Covington, GA. I'll text you the address," Paul said.
"Okay," Peter said with gritted teeth and a left eye twitch.
"Goodbye, Peter," Paul said before he hung up.
The Pokemon battle theme song stopped.
Peter put his phone down gently on his desk and sighed. He still had that gritted smile on his face.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO DO DRYWALLLLLL!!!!" He yelled before letting out a blood-curdling bleat of frustration.
I let out a bleat of complete amusement and Scheudenfreude before laughing uncontrollably.
All of a sudden, he held the mallet with both hands and started walking forward quickly while swinging it up and down repeatedly and swiftly to the rhythm of this song, https://youtu.be/gbeXteFwkng.
He was breaking everything in his path as headed outside to break more shit. He busted the doorknob to his front door before we made it to the outside world.
Jamie and still young Godiva Parker were outside talking to the walrus woman with the bikini. She was mowing their driveway and lawn. Her broken toilets had taken over the yard.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????!!!!" Peter screamed at all the toilets in his yard as he continued to wave his mallet up and down.
Godiva laughed and went to her son who looked like her twin brother. "Samantha, our new neighbor and I decided to grow the largest toilet garden in the state of Georgia. I'm ordering new toilets," she said with a smile.
Peter gritted his teeth in an angry smile before he stopped waving the mallet up and down and thereby caused this song (https://youtu.be/gbeXteFwkng) to stop. "I have another toilet to add to your garden. I just threw mine in the fucking yard," he said through his gritted teeth.
I was in shock. There were over 40 broken toilets in their yard. I thought they escaped the toilet gardens when they moved. I assumed Peter thought the same thing.
"Oh fantastic, Peter," Godiva said as she hugged and kissed him. "You're amazing." She scratched his back while reaching under his light gray shirt.
"Is he your twin brother?" Samantha the walrus woman asked.
Godiva was about to answer her question with a "no," but explaining to a stranger that she was actually his mother when he returned to normal would be too much for Samantha the walrus woman. She instead said, "Yes. We're Peter and Godiva Parker. This man, Jamie Parker, is our father. Our mother, Wanda Parker, died six years ago from a terrible car accident." She hugged Peter around his waist while her arm was in between his light gray shirt and milky white flesh. She was rubbing his back and right side.
In reality, Wanda was Godiva's daughter, but everything else was true.
"Oh wow. Your parents made two beautiful children," Samantha the walrus woman said as she was mesmerized by their beauty.
Jamie went to correct Godiva, but Godiva looked at him and coughed. He instead said, "Yes. My children are absolutely gorgeous. I miss their mother, but they do great in taking care of me."
Peter and Godiva grinned at Jamie.
"There is one profound difference between me and my sister, though," Peter said as he looked at her. "She, for some reason, has this damnable OBSESSION with having broken toilets in our yard! I thought we agreed to forget the toilet gardens this time!" He had the hardest press smirk that could possibly be conceived.
"I get excited about toilet gardens. Sorry, Peter. I couldn't help myself. Imagine all the plants and Venus Flytraps you can have in your yard. Think of it as living security," Godiva said as she leaned up against Peter and kissed his left side.
"I think that's a shitty form of security. I'm the fucking security," Peter said as he stormed off and started smashing the toilets with his mallet. "SECURE THIS, MOTHER FUCKER!!!!" Peter laughed maniacally as he was smashing the porcelain thrones into pieces. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY!!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY YARD!!!!! Hahahahaha!!!"
I was HOWLING with laughter and noticed Tug coming back to witness his crazy owner smash a bunch of broken toilets and swear up a storm. Tug rolled on the edge of the driveway near their mailboxes and started howling with laughter, too.
Samantha the walrus woman was in shock. "Your brother is extremely crazy. Hot, but extremely crazy." She scratched her butt as she watched Peter smash toilets. "I spent over 40 years collecting those broken toilets."
"Not to worry. The toilets will resurrect by next week. I know someone who fixes toilets that have turned to rubble. Peter had an episode like this a year and nine months ago. Dad and I found a man who could fix toilet bowls from rubble, and he raised the toilets from the dead. Your toilets will be restored to their former glory. Also, I ordered more toilet bowls just to fuck with my brother," Godiva said with a laugh that sounded evil.
Pennywise the Dancing Clown rose out of one of the toilet bowls with his face on one of the sunflowers and asked, "I'm Pennywise the Dancing Clown. How do you doing, Georgie?"
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY!!!!!" Peter yelled as he smashed the toilet and sent the pieces in an entirely different yard.
Tug and I continued laughing our heads off. I was crying and having a hard time breathing.
Jamie Parker watched Peter and said, "My boy has issues."
Peter then smashed the toilet that he took a dump in earlier. Some of his turds and a few pieces of used toilet paper were laying in the yard.
"Maybe toilet training issues," Samantha the walrus woman said as she grinned.
"Apparently. I think that toilet broke recently," Godiva said with a chuckle. "There will be some remodelling in that bathroom." She shook her head with a huge grin as she suppressed laughter.
Peter walked over to everyone else with sweaty brown curls sticking to his face and a mallet in his right hand. "I am victorious against the toilet garden. Now to fix my bathroom!" Peter said as he walked inside of the house. Tug followed him in the house after a massive laughing fit. Jamie also went inside while Samantha the walrus woman and Godiva talked.
I meanwhile left the premises to deal with Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater's laptop. But first, I laughed until no sound came out at the fucked-up series of events that just occurred one after another in front of me.
A/N: Making fun of Southern women, suggested incest
I arrived at Peter's side of the house because Godiva was busy talking on the phone as she was twirling a strand of her brunette curly hair with her finger. When a woman is twirling her hair with her finger, you do not bother her.
Peter also looked busy because he answered the door with a pencil in his hand. "Sup?" he asked with a head nod.
"Well, I was thinking of ways to troll you diabolically," I said as I entered the door.
"Oh of course!" Peter said before a fly flew and danced around his head. He looked at the fly with the meanest scowl. "You mother fucker!" He turned to Godiva's side of the house. "MOM! Where's the fly swatter!!!!!????"
I laughed because my phone went off. Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater was calling.
"THOR! How art thee?" I asked.
"My world is unraveling. The VA has hacked my computer! I'm beating the hell out of it now!!!" Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater yelled.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Peter yelled.
I turned my attention to Peter's turning of attention to a tanned human-like walrus woman with big legs and sagging breasts. Unfortunately, this creature was wearing a bikini and mowing the lawn. There was a rag on the back of her bikini that made it look like there was a rip in her royal blue bikini bottom.
I heard Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater beating his laptop to smithereens while I was trying to process what happened to the fly, Peter, and me. The fly dropped out of the air out of sheer fright. Peter then beat the fly to smithereens with his big hand to relieve his stress and anxiety.
"What is that indeed?" I asked.
In other news, Jamie rolled into Peter's side of the duplex and wanted him to call an upholsterer regarding his van of some year.
Tug rushed and saw the walrus woman with legs. "Holy Fuck what is that?" he asked and stopped dead in his tracks. He saw the same horrific sight Peter and I saw: the walrus woman with legs wearing a bikini mowing a lawn.
I did not process the fact that she too had an extensive toilet garden. I thought Godiva was the only woman who felt the need to have a toilet garden. Must be a Southern woman thing...
"Peter... she has a toilet garden," I said.
"What?! Again!?" Peter asked as he took a closer look out the window. "Fuck! The toilets follow me!!!"
"Toilets are everywhere, now call the upholsterer," Jamie said calmly.
Peter screamed before he ran away from the window and called the upholsterer.
"Yes. Hello. This is Peter W. Parker, the son of Jamie Parker, of course, ahem, a client of yours. Anyway, the roof of the van is falling apart on the 2000 2000 what... One? Dad...? DAD! What's the year of the van?!... DAD...," Peter was attempting to leave a message on the unfortunate upholsterer's answering machine.
"Yes. 2001, Peter," Jamie answered.
Meanwhile Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater was swearing over the phone to me in Nordic at his accursed laptop as he continued to beat the hell out of it. "Motherfuck.... Damn E-mail!"
"2001 Chrysler Dodger Van, and we need it fixed or my father's world as we know it will end. Please help. Thank you," Peter finished the voicemail and hung up the phone. "Ughhhhh! Jesus."
"I hate those phone calls. I make those more often than I care to admit," I said to Peter.
"I do, too!" Peter yelled.
"I hate this laptop!!!" Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater said as he screamed in Gaelic.
A phone call was coming in on another line. Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig was on the other line.
"Mr. Thor, I need to tend to my walrus bear pig. Call you later," I said.
"Ahhhhhh!!! I gotta shit!!!" Peter yelled as he ran to the toilet.
Tug followed Peter to the bathroom.
"I'm going to check on Godiva. She was ordering broken toilets for her garden," Jamie said as he wheeled away.
I heard a chorus of ploops and farts as Peter was taking a crap in the toilet. Tug waited outside of the bathroom door.
Mr. Thor was beating his laptop and swearing while not giving a fuck about me at that point.
I switched lines, "Hello BaeWhuhh. Bullshit happens here," I said as I laughed.
"Oh God. What?!" Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig asked.
"Well, Peter is fucked up. He had a pencil in his hand before a fly assaulted him," I said with a laugh.
"Speaking of flies, a millipede is crawling on the floor. Let me squash it. I swear I'm going to fucking spray this entire house for bugs!' Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig yelled as he squashed the bug.
"I know. Millipedes are constantly assaulting Peter. Lol," I said.
"What else happened?" Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig asked.
"We saw a walrus woman with legs who was wearing a bikini and mowing the lawn!" I yelled. "The fly dropped to the ground in fright, and Peter smashed it with his bare hand."
Peter was still pooping in the background, and his butt was singing an opera of diarrhea.
"Oh wow. That's fucked up, bae. Not a good image to have," Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig said.
"Yeah. She had a rag hanging from the back of her bikini. I thought her bikini had a rip in it. Very disturbing," I said as I shook my head.
Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater called me back, but I was still finishing my conversation with Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig.
Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig laughed loudly before yelling, "Haha Woooooowwwwwww!!!" He continued to laugh.
"Yeah. Then Peter is now taking a dump. He had to call an upholsterer earlier, and he didn't know what was happening from Adam. Haha," I said as I chuckled.
"OH NOW WHAT THE FUCK?! MY BITCHASS TOILET WON'T FLUSH. OF course not. Fucking asshole!" Peter yelled at his toilet through the door.
"I wanted to let you know that Kissy laid with me while I slept. I just woke up. She looks like a T-Rex orange tabby with a long body and short legs," Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig said.
"She takes after you, Bae," I said with a laugh.
"Haha. I know. I'm still tired. You have got to be exhausted," Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig said.
"I'm slaphappy, and Peter is screaming at the toilet and banging on it," I said with a laugh.
Peter bleated out of distress. He was also part of the secret society of goats. In fact, he was half a rank above me.
I responded with a bleat to calm his nerves.
"I called to tell you you need rest. Go help Peter. He sounds fucked up," Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig said.
"He is," I said.
"Well, I love ya," Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig said.
"Love you, too," I said before Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater called me again.
Wally the Walrus the Bear the Pig hung up before I switched to Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater's line.
"Yes?" I asked over the phone as I knocked on Peter's bathroom door.
Peter screamed in an Afrikaan language before he shouted, "I am so sick of this mother-fucking toilet in this mother-fucking bathroom!!!" Peter yelled again as I heard a crash.
"I need help beating my mother-fucking laptop. It won't die. The government is tracking me, and I won't stand for this. I'm a Norse God!" Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater yelled.
"I will be there when I can. Peter had diarrhea," I said as I knocked on the door.
Peter bleated in extreme distress as I heard more porcelain breaking.
"Oh God. And I thought I had issues. Send some of his diarrhea to the motherfuckers who are tracking me," Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater said.
"Haha. Yeah, really. I'm surprised Peter has a butt left," I said.
"Fuck you!" Peter yelled as I heard something fly out of the bathroom window. At first, I thought he was telling to me.
I couldn't help but crack up.
"What the fuck now?" Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater asked.
"I think Peter threw his toilet out of the window," I said as I belly-laughed.
Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater laughed uncontrollably. "You need to get here ASAP to get the fuck away from that guy. He is fucked up," he said as he continued laughing. "I need to beat the laptop. This goddamn thing is pissing me off."
I laughed loudly. "No problem. Let me fix this asshole. Then I'll be there," I said.
"Yeah, literally," Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater said with laugh before he hung up.
I saw a mallet come through the bathroom door. I jumped back and stared at the bathroom door.
"Holy Shit fuck this! I'm leaving," Tug said as he hauled ass out of the house.
The mallet tore through the fucking door. Peter kept beating the shit out of the door. "Another fucking toilet broke! God. Dammit. I thought I was done with toilets randomly breaking. It happened non-stop at the other house," he began to rant before he hit the door again. "I guess I was wrong. This motherfucker broke, too. I guess I was destined to not have a fucking toilet. I threw that son of a bitch out of the window. I'm done with toilets. I'll just shit in a hole in the floor and flush it down with a bucket. Why not? All of Africa does that!! I'm black! It's fitting!!!!"
At that moment, the effects of the West Nile virus have subsided, and Peter returned to his original form. He looked like current Godiva's twin brother.
"Ohhhhhh fuck you! I was just getting used to being black, too. I guess I have to buy another toilet and new bathroom door! This door was a fuckin' piece of shit anyway!!!!" Peter yelled as he beat the ever-living shit out of the door. He added a kick for dramatic effect. He made that bitch look like cardboard.
I held my right hand to my heart and started laughing hysterically.
"I'm ordering a new toilet. Fuck this. As soon as I get my dog back in the house, I'm ordering a new toilet AND A DOOR THAT ACTUALLY FUCKIN' WORKS!!! Not to mention another fucking window. Fuuuuck it. I'll remodel the whole bathroom!!!" he yelled at the pile of wood on the floor. "I need to fix this house. My parents gave me the bullshit side of the house, that's for sure!!!" He continued to rant like a psycho as he carried his mallet with him to the outside world. "I just want a toilet that fucking works! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!!!????"
I followed him out in the hallway and started laughing again. "YES!!!" I yelled as I burst out laughing.
His phone started ringing and thereby caused the Pokemon battle theme song to start playing.
"Oh for the love of God!" Peter yelled as he went to answer his phone. He looked at the caller ID. "OH GOD IT'S PAUL!!!!!" He screamed before he answered the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey Peter. You sound normal. How are you?" Paul asked.
Peter laughed hysterically before he answered. "Anything but. My dog escaped the premises, and my toilet just broke," he said.
I chuckled at the response.
"That's some tough shit to deal with right there," Paul said with a chuckle. "Sorry to hear. By the way, I need you to work tomorrow."
"Thank you. I appreciate it," Peter said as he was grinding his teeth and squeezing the phone.
"No problem. See you at 9 a.m. sharp in Covington, GA. I'll text you the address," Paul said.
"Okay," Peter said with gritted teeth and a left eye twitch.
"Goodbye, Peter," Paul said before he hung up.
The Pokemon battle theme song stopped.
Peter put his phone down gently on his desk and sighed. He still had that gritted smile on his face.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO DO DRYWALLLLLL!!!!" He yelled before letting out a blood-curdling bleat of frustration.
I let out a bleat of complete amusement and Scheudenfreude before laughing uncontrollably.
All of a sudden, he held the mallet with both hands and started walking forward quickly while swinging it up and down repeatedly and swiftly to the rhythm of this song, https://youtu.be/gbeXteFwkng.
He was breaking everything in his path as headed outside to break more shit. He busted the doorknob to his front door before we made it to the outside world.
Jamie and still young Godiva Parker were outside talking to the walrus woman with the bikini. She was mowing their driveway and lawn. Her broken toilets had taken over the yard.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????!!!!" Peter screamed at all the toilets in his yard as he continued to wave his mallet up and down.
Godiva laughed and went to her son who looked like her twin brother. "Samantha, our new neighbor and I decided to grow the largest toilet garden in the state of Georgia. I'm ordering new toilets," she said with a smile.
Peter gritted his teeth in an angry smile before he stopped waving the mallet up and down and thereby caused this song (https://youtu.be/gbeXteFwkng) to stop. "I have another toilet to add to your garden. I just threw mine in the fucking yard," he said through his gritted teeth.
I was in shock. There were over 40 broken toilets in their yard. I thought they escaped the toilet gardens when they moved. I assumed Peter thought the same thing.
"Oh fantastic, Peter," Godiva said as she hugged and kissed him. "You're amazing." She scratched his back while reaching under his light gray shirt.
"Is he your twin brother?" Samantha the walrus woman asked.
Godiva was about to answer her question with a "no," but explaining to a stranger that she was actually his mother when he returned to normal would be too much for Samantha the walrus woman. She instead said, "Yes. We're Peter and Godiva Parker. This man, Jamie Parker, is our father. Our mother, Wanda Parker, died six years ago from a terrible car accident." She hugged Peter around his waist while her arm was in between his light gray shirt and milky white flesh. She was rubbing his back and right side.
In reality, Wanda was Godiva's daughter, but everything else was true.
"Oh wow. Your parents made two beautiful children," Samantha the walrus woman said as she was mesmerized by their beauty.
Jamie went to correct Godiva, but Godiva looked at him and coughed. He instead said, "Yes. My children are absolutely gorgeous. I miss their mother, but they do great in taking care of me."
Peter and Godiva grinned at Jamie.
"There is one profound difference between me and my sister, though," Peter said as he looked at her. "She, for some reason, has this damnable OBSESSION with having broken toilets in our yard! I thought we agreed to forget the toilet gardens this time!" He had the hardest press smirk that could possibly be conceived.
"I get excited about toilet gardens. Sorry, Peter. I couldn't help myself. Imagine all the plants and Venus Flytraps you can have in your yard. Think of it as living security," Godiva said as she leaned up against Peter and kissed his left side.
"I think that's a shitty form of security. I'm the fucking security," Peter said as he stormed off and started smashing the toilets with his mallet. "SECURE THIS, MOTHER FUCKER!!!!" Peter laughed maniacally as he was smashing the porcelain thrones into pieces. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY!!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY YARD!!!!! Hahahahaha!!!"
I was HOWLING with laughter and noticed Tug coming back to witness his crazy owner smash a bunch of broken toilets and swear up a storm. Tug rolled on the edge of the driveway near their mailboxes and started howling with laughter, too.
Samantha the walrus woman was in shock. "Your brother is extremely crazy. Hot, but extremely crazy." She scratched her butt as she watched Peter smash toilets. "I spent over 40 years collecting those broken toilets."
"Not to worry. The toilets will resurrect by next week. I know someone who fixes toilets that have turned to rubble. Peter had an episode like this a year and nine months ago. Dad and I found a man who could fix toilet bowls from rubble, and he raised the toilets from the dead. Your toilets will be restored to their former glory. Also, I ordered more toilet bowls just to fuck with my brother," Godiva said with a laugh that sounded evil.
Pennywise the Dancing Clown rose out of one of the toilet bowls with his face on one of the sunflowers and asked, "I'm Pennywise the Dancing Clown. How do you doing, Georgie?"
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY!!!!!" Peter yelled as he smashed the toilet and sent the pieces in an entirely different yard.
Tug and I continued laughing our heads off. I was crying and having a hard time breathing.
Jamie Parker watched Peter and said, "My boy has issues."
Peter then smashed the toilet that he took a dump in earlier. Some of his turds and a few pieces of used toilet paper were laying in the yard.
"Maybe toilet training issues," Samantha the walrus woman said as she grinned.
"Apparently. I think that toilet broke recently," Godiva said with a chuckle. "There will be some remodelling in that bathroom." She shook her head with a huge grin as she suppressed laughter.
Peter walked over to everyone else with sweaty brown curls sticking to his face and a mallet in his right hand. "I am victorious against the toilet garden. Now to fix my bathroom!" Peter said as he walked inside of the house. Tug followed him in the house after a massive laughing fit. Jamie also went inside while Samantha the walrus woman and Godiva talked.
I meanwhile left the premises to deal with Mr. Thor the Appliance Beater's laptop. But first, I laughed until no sound came out at the fucked-up series of events that just occurred one after another in front of me.