(no subject)
too much sitting around. i'd walk but i can't leave my truck here. i can't afford to be towed, or even a parking ticket. once again, material possessions are too expensive to keep. at the core, though, if i can't bear to part with it i don't keep it. or maybe, so many losses has dulled my sensitivity. money is such a nuisance. maybe i should care more. if, one day, i find that i have nothing i finally may be happy.
i just smelled something that pulled me back to one of my first grade teachers.
what is this such-and-such ye speak of, wiki? what a concoction of afflictions thou assigns me, and to be saved i must be shorn of brick-a-brack! to speak against branching shades ignores the spectrum whole; whittling will not produce a tree, nor will it mend a branch. letting in the light merely means the wood nymphs are amiss and the fruit has fewer hopes. the affliction is idleness, and in thy brainteeth, thy hands, thy blade -- ye blame the tree for causing shade! walk instead through the wood and quiet places, to see if thy error isn't sprouted in mistake: foreign weeds in baked clay, for the forest and its rich decay.
silly but i like it.
context, i am looking at wiki, or have been recently. topics: sibling sexual abuse, bulimia, alcoholism, dissociation, suicide, self injury/cutting, branding, incest, domestic violence, desertion, rape, statutory rape, indecent exposure, depression, manic depression, paranoia/schizotypal personality disorder/pretty much all things schizo, drug abuse/substance abuse/general addiction, anxiety, compensatory narcissism, criminal investigation, physical restraint, custody battles, PTSD, CPS, isolation, re-victimization, pedophilia, intersibling abuse, coercion , verbal/physical/emotional abuse by parents/guardians, emotional dysregulation, alexithymia, autism spectrum disorders, cerebral palsy/spastic tetraplegia, learned helplessness, attachment disorders, guilt, perfectionism, somatic spiritual persecutory and control related delusions, compulsions/obsessions including OCD, Mormonism, Irish Catholicism, sadism/masochism (and all the delights those topics bring up), neglect, passive-aggression, chronic lying, thievery, epilepsy/seizures, gender confusion, lifelong disability, mental retardation, egocentricity, cancer here there everywhere, abandonment, blame, death, starvation/malnutrition, psychotic episodes, asylums, adoption, foster care, alogia, and endless fighting.
well.
what's funny about all that is it does okay at making a picture (or garbage bin) of my self, family, and history. incomplete list that it is. i just tossed in a few of the pertinent words that i came across.
i don't think i'm being overly dramatic by saying that all the good things were pretty much washed out by all this. my private moments were the best by far. i'm interested in piecing it together. i want to have a somewhat fixed and reliable version of history. it involves research, and no i am not relying on wiki and my memory exclusively, and it's tedious and easy to fuck up and i don't expect any sort of completion. i'm just interested, would like to include some sort of stability, and have time to do it right now. hopefully something useful will turn up. of course, it's not a bad vs. good history, not so simple as that, but if it were mostly good to neutral in how it affects me now the exercise wouldn't be necessary. i think of myself as mostly neutral, that it just doesn't matter now, but then something'll happen and i react oddly or incorrectly and it causes problems, so i know that some work needs to be done. of course. i accept myself, as i am, i know i'm not dogshit, but that is no excuse to settle, because i want certain things. why share it here? as warning that i may discuss it in person. i know i'm not the only one. and it interests me. i share the things i'm interested in.
i just smelled something that pulled me back to one of my first grade teachers.
what is this such-and-such ye speak of, wiki? what a concoction of afflictions thou assigns me, and to be saved i must be shorn of brick-a-brack! to speak against branching shades ignores the spectrum whole; whittling will not produce a tree, nor will it mend a branch. letting in the light merely means the wood nymphs are amiss and the fruit has fewer hopes. the affliction is idleness, and in thy brainteeth, thy hands, thy blade -- ye blame the tree for causing shade! walk instead through the wood and quiet places, to see if thy error isn't sprouted in mistake: foreign weeds in baked clay, for the forest and its rich decay.
silly but i like it.
context, i am looking at wiki, or have been recently. topics: sibling sexual abuse, bulimia, alcoholism, dissociation, suicide, self injury/cutting, branding, incest, domestic violence, desertion, rape, statutory rape, indecent exposure, depression, manic depression, paranoia/schizotypal personality disorder/pretty much all things schizo, drug abuse/substance abuse/general addiction, anxiety, compensatory narcissism, criminal investigation, physical restraint, custody battles, PTSD, CPS, isolation, re-victimization, pedophilia, intersibling abuse, coercion , verbal/physical/emotional abuse by parents/guardians, emotional dysregulation, alexithymia, autism spectrum disorders, cerebral palsy/spastic tetraplegia, learned helplessness, attachment disorders, guilt, perfectionism, somatic spiritual persecutory and control related delusions, compulsions/obsessions including OCD, Mormonism, Irish Catholicism, sadism/masochism (and all the delights those topics bring up), neglect, passive-aggression, chronic lying, thievery, epilepsy/seizures, gender confusion, lifelong disability, mental retardation, egocentricity, cancer here there everywhere, abandonment, blame, death, starvation/malnutrition, psychotic episodes, asylums, adoption, foster care, alogia, and endless fighting.
well.
what's funny about all that is it does okay at making a picture (or garbage bin) of my self, family, and history. incomplete list that it is. i just tossed in a few of the pertinent words that i came across.
i don't think i'm being overly dramatic by saying that all the good things were pretty much washed out by all this. my private moments were the best by far. i'm interested in piecing it together. i want to have a somewhat fixed and reliable version of history. it involves research, and no i am not relying on wiki and my memory exclusively, and it's tedious and easy to fuck up and i don't expect any sort of completion. i'm just interested, would like to include some sort of stability, and have time to do it right now. hopefully something useful will turn up. of course, it's not a bad vs. good history, not so simple as that, but if it were mostly good to neutral in how it affects me now the exercise wouldn't be necessary. i think of myself as mostly neutral, that it just doesn't matter now, but then something'll happen and i react oddly or incorrectly and it causes problems, so i know that some work needs to be done. of course. i accept myself, as i am, i know i'm not dogshit, but that is no excuse to settle, because i want certain things. why share it here? as warning that i may discuss it in person. i know i'm not the only one. and it interests me. i share the things i'm interested in.