wow
I have more or less decided to go see the school counselors, especially since one of my friends says there is an actual psychologist/psychiatrist at the school if the counselors decide you need it...makes me feel a little bit better and not just like i'm seeing some one-time crisis counselors or something...i have no patience for those, i've been talking to them all my life and they always annoy me. i can't stand feigned sympathy, and i HATE the way they always act like they understand everything you are saying. they don't. NO ONE understands everything i'm saying. hell, I don't understand everything i'm saying/thinking. i'm messed up. that's not supposed to make sense. if it did, i wouldn't need their help.
also, i have to admit i'm scared. well, more like nervous, really. i mean, what am i supposed to say? just tell them i think i have bpd and let them ask questions about why? tell them i have crazy-fast mood swings and can go from laughing with friends to beating up my boyfriend in a few seconds? ugh. how did i manage with counselors back in middle school? i haven't seen anyone since i started high school, i can't remember ANYTHING about what it was like. except that it was apparently illegal. the counselor i liked the most and who helped me the most and made me want to become a counselor and help people too...apparently wasn't allowed to see me. she was the school social worker, and the school had a file from another psychologist i saw that no one was supposed to look at without my mom's permission. and my mom didn't GIVE permission...but this social worker did anyway. so my mom told the school that the social worker wasn't allowed to see me anymore at all...but no one told me this, so i kept talking to her, and after awhile i started getting called down to her office again...then i found out after i graduated that mom hated her and that i wasn't supposed to be talking to her...oops. but, if i hadn't talked to her, i might be dead now. 'cause the thing is, my mom's always been in a little bit of denial about me. she doesn't like that there are things about me that she can't fix, and that i might be really screwed up. so she either ignores it or tells me i'm being a bad Christian because i feel suicidal. she got really mad at me when she found cuts on my arms..but it did make her realize there's a problem. or rather, that there was, since all she really asked is if i did that anymore, which i don't. i told her i didn't need counseling...now i'm not so sure that's true.
so, anyways...i have no idea what to do about the counselors, but i do know i should go. i might try bringing a friend with me, or at least talking to a friend to prepare for seeing the counselor. i would take my boyfriend, but...if i get mad at him while i'm there that could be bad. i don't think they need quite THAT vivid an example the first time they talk to me.
the thing that made me the most convinced i had to go: it's starting to scare other people. this really nice girl named alicia was over here yesterday, at a rather inconvenient time. it was only the 2nd time she had spent any time with us, and my boyfriend had decided to have a "discussion"(which ALWAYS turns into an argument, because no one ever agrees with my philosophies or political viewpoints) about socialism vs. capitalism. i got very emotional, because i am ALWAYS emotional, because all my viewpoints are grounded in my experiences and emotions. so when people attack them, it hurts me. and EVERYONE was attacking them. so i got upset, and then my boyfriend yelled another argument at me, and i flipped. i punched him REALLY hard, and screamed at him, and then when he started to argue again, i threw my bottle of powerade at him, and then i just laid down and started sobbing. REALLY sobbing. i was sick afterwards...it sucked. and i heard from a friend today that alicia, the girl who was in here at the time but not involved in the argument, that she asked if i was ok and said she was scared...i don't know what that means exactly. was she asking if i was ok as in was i upset? or crazy? and was she scared of me? i don't know..but whatever it means, it's probably not a good thing. and therefore i should probably try to get help of some sort. but...it's scary, you know?
also, i have to admit i'm scared. well, more like nervous, really. i mean, what am i supposed to say? just tell them i think i have bpd and let them ask questions about why? tell them i have crazy-fast mood swings and can go from laughing with friends to beating up my boyfriend in a few seconds? ugh. how did i manage with counselors back in middle school? i haven't seen anyone since i started high school, i can't remember ANYTHING about what it was like. except that it was apparently illegal. the counselor i liked the most and who helped me the most and made me want to become a counselor and help people too...apparently wasn't allowed to see me. she was the school social worker, and the school had a file from another psychologist i saw that no one was supposed to look at without my mom's permission. and my mom didn't GIVE permission...but this social worker did anyway. so my mom told the school that the social worker wasn't allowed to see me anymore at all...but no one told me this, so i kept talking to her, and after awhile i started getting called down to her office again...then i found out after i graduated that mom hated her and that i wasn't supposed to be talking to her...oops. but, if i hadn't talked to her, i might be dead now. 'cause the thing is, my mom's always been in a little bit of denial about me. she doesn't like that there are things about me that she can't fix, and that i might be really screwed up. so she either ignores it or tells me i'm being a bad Christian because i feel suicidal. she got really mad at me when she found cuts on my arms..but it did make her realize there's a problem. or rather, that there was, since all she really asked is if i did that anymore, which i don't. i told her i didn't need counseling...now i'm not so sure that's true.
so, anyways...i have no idea what to do about the counselors, but i do know i should go. i might try bringing a friend with me, or at least talking to a friend to prepare for seeing the counselor. i would take my boyfriend, but...if i get mad at him while i'm there that could be bad. i don't think they need quite THAT vivid an example the first time they talk to me.
the thing that made me the most convinced i had to go: it's starting to scare other people. this really nice girl named alicia was over here yesterday, at a rather inconvenient time. it was only the 2nd time she had spent any time with us, and my boyfriend had decided to have a "discussion"(which ALWAYS turns into an argument, because no one ever agrees with my philosophies or political viewpoints) about socialism vs. capitalism. i got very emotional, because i am ALWAYS emotional, because all my viewpoints are grounded in my experiences and emotions. so when people attack them, it hurts me. and EVERYONE was attacking them. so i got upset, and then my boyfriend yelled another argument at me, and i flipped. i punched him REALLY hard, and screamed at him, and then when he started to argue again, i threw my bottle of powerade at him, and then i just laid down and started sobbing. REALLY sobbing. i was sick afterwards...it sucked. and i heard from a friend today that alicia, the girl who was in here at the time but not involved in the argument, that she asked if i was ok and said she was scared...i don't know what that means exactly. was she asking if i was ok as in was i upset? or crazy? and was she scared of me? i don't know..but whatever it means, it's probably not a good thing. and therefore i should probably try to get help of some sort. but...it's scary, you know?