:: Feeling down...*Tear* ::
:: Today I've been feeling pretty crappy, and most of last night I was too. I just feel lonely I guess when I'm home. I dont know, it just gets old being in this godforsaken tiny ass city. Theres just nothing here for me. I mean, I have no friends here anyways accept for like 3 whom I never really get to see. And even when/if we ever get to do anything there is nothing here to do. You can eaither go to Super Wall-Mart, or go to the mall. Other than that there is nothing that a person can do in this place. I think I just need to get out of here. Newark is for people that want to settle down and just finish life in a nice, calm environment, but thats not me. I'm young and have all of this energy and nowhere to use it all up. Now I think I know how a caged animal feels. It's driving me mad!!!!!!!! Everywhere you look in this place it's like looking into the window of a nursing home. All you can see for miles around are lifeless people, doing the same old thing over and over again, say in and say out with no change of pace. They all have the same expression on their faces, they all dress the same, it's just a bunch of courpses waiting for their expiration date.
So I have finally made up my mind about what I want to do after I gradute, and that first priority is getting the hell out of this city and not looking back. I might start cosmotology school, but I'm still debating if I really want to do that or not. All I care about is finding someplace in columbus where I can make decent money that I can live on, put in my notice for my dead end job at subway, and moving out to the place where I feel most comfortable (that being Columbus). Because I know if I move to Columbus I will; 1. Be able to meet more outgoing people and more friends, 2. Enjoy myself alot more in a more active environment, and 3. Be able to be on my own and start living by my rules without family interfearence. So with this money I'm getting back from taxes, its all going into a saving account so that I can save to get the hell out of here.
I think another reason why I might been feeling kind of out of it is because of this relationship I just got into just a little bit over a week ago. His name is Ryan and he is a real sweetheart. He is very nice, very respectful, doesn't use people, and I'm sure there are many more qualities about him I have yet to descover at this point. I guess I'm afrade that I'm going to ruin another relationship because my stupid ass does something wrong and doesn't notice it untill it's to late. He actually picked me up friday night so that I could come down to campus and stay with him. I'm just afrae I might have maybe done something to make him question if he really likes me as much as he thought he did. See, we went to his friend Jess' dorm for this party, and we all drank quite a bit, but only two of us really got shitface, one of those people being me. I'm just afrade that he might not have liked the more extrovert side of me that can get really wild and loud. That entire night we have fun and all, and he seened fine and kept on asking me if I was having fun, which I was. And when the party finally calmed down and we went back to his dorm for bed he didnt seem like he was tunred off by me since he was all cuddly and stuff. But by the next day he seemed alot less enthusiastic about me being there, almost like he might have been antisipating getting me home and out of his hair.
It wasnt that he was being mean or showing any signs that I was bugging him, but he just didnt seem to affectionate and when he pulled up to my dads to drop me off, there was a few seconds where there was this really awkward feeling in the air. Almost like he was tense about something. And then when he went to kiss me it seemed awkward and quick, like he didnt really want to do it, but felt like he was obligated to do it. I dont know, I just hope I didnt fuck something up by being anoying or something and running him off. BEcause I really do like him, he is a really nice guy, and he seems very sincere about his emotions. I might just be overthinking things and being paranoid, he does have finals comming up after all. Maybe he is just starting to process the fact that he needs to start studying for his finals in the up comming week. I guess I'll know if he is weirded out by me or not if he does or doesnt decide to talk to me over the next week or so. Time can only tell...
Untill next time....
~Loveless~
[No lyrics tonight. Dont you find it funny that whenever I'm depressed I always listen to Avril?]
So I have finally made up my mind about what I want to do after I gradute, and that first priority is getting the hell out of this city and not looking back. I might start cosmotology school, but I'm still debating if I really want to do that or not. All I care about is finding someplace in columbus where I can make decent money that I can live on, put in my notice for my dead end job at subway, and moving out to the place where I feel most comfortable (that being Columbus). Because I know if I move to Columbus I will; 1. Be able to meet more outgoing people and more friends, 2. Enjoy myself alot more in a more active environment, and 3. Be able to be on my own and start living by my rules without family interfearence. So with this money I'm getting back from taxes, its all going into a saving account so that I can save to get the hell out of here.
I think another reason why I might been feeling kind of out of it is because of this relationship I just got into just a little bit over a week ago. His name is Ryan and he is a real sweetheart. He is very nice, very respectful, doesn't use people, and I'm sure there are many more qualities about him I have yet to descover at this point. I guess I'm afrade that I'm going to ruin another relationship because my stupid ass does something wrong and doesn't notice it untill it's to late. He actually picked me up friday night so that I could come down to campus and stay with him. I'm just afrae I might have maybe done something to make him question if he really likes me as much as he thought he did. See, we went to his friend Jess' dorm for this party, and we all drank quite a bit, but only two of us really got shitface, one of those people being me. I'm just afrade that he might not have liked the more extrovert side of me that can get really wild and loud. That entire night we have fun and all, and he seened fine and kept on asking me if I was having fun, which I was. And when the party finally calmed down and we went back to his dorm for bed he didnt seem like he was tunred off by me since he was all cuddly and stuff. But by the next day he seemed alot less enthusiastic about me being there, almost like he might have been antisipating getting me home and out of his hair.
It wasnt that he was being mean or showing any signs that I was bugging him, but he just didnt seem to affectionate and when he pulled up to my dads to drop me off, there was a few seconds where there was this really awkward feeling in the air. Almost like he was tense about something. And then when he went to kiss me it seemed awkward and quick, like he didnt really want to do it, but felt like he was obligated to do it. I dont know, I just hope I didnt fuck something up by being anoying or something and running him off. BEcause I really do like him, he is a really nice guy, and he seems very sincere about his emotions. I might just be overthinking things and being paranoid, he does have finals comming up after all. Maybe he is just starting to process the fact that he needs to start studying for his finals in the up comming week. I guess I'll know if he is weirded out by me or not if he does or doesnt decide to talk to me over the next week or so. Time can only tell...
Untill next time....
~Loveless~
[No lyrics tonight. Dont you find it funny that whenever I'm depressed I always listen to Avril?]