:: Where did it all go?....::
:: Well now, its been a while since I've spilled myself out in one of these entries. I think it was about time to come back to you though old friend, there is alot that has happend and alot that needs to be said, and only through you can I store my thoughts and emotions that I cant seem to articulate any other way. So where should I begin?
I guess it would be appropriate to start from where I first left off in my last entry. The one formerly known as Chris is excatly that. He is now one of those chapters in my pathetic life that has come and gone and thats all that really needs to be said about the series of events that led to the end of yet another one of my tragic (though less tragic than others) situation. My best friend Alexis moved to Amarillo Texas because her dad got a job offer to make $72,000 a year there compared to the $50,0000 a year that he was making while living here (Side note: he works for the millitary.) And now I'm left to salvage what is left of the close friends that I still have, though that proves to be very few.
And when I actually sat down and thought about the situation I relized how few close friends that I have. And really the friends that I do have left arnt really as close as Carmen, Alexis, and Jessie were, but now at this point they are the next closest thing that I have. I actually talked to Alexis tonight on the phone for quite a while. It's nice to know that even when she is far away that she still misses me and stil feels empowered to call me and make sure that we keep communication flowing between us. I could speak less for the latter of the three though.
Jessie faded out of existance finally after she had been thrown out of our house because my mom and her apparently had a conflict in opinions on the problem that had occured and she felt that she had to blow things out of control. In the end she lost all ties with the bulk of her family in our area, or atleast from the sounds of it with the information that was given to me from bother her mother and her cousin. It seems the only thing I was really good for was the use of my living space and the conveniance that it gave her to see her friends as well as getting to and from school and work.
As for Carmen we fell out in a more silent manner. All communication slowly began to shut down after she started to date her current boyfriend as well as the issues with our conflicting work scheduals that made it next to impossible for us to see eachother to do much of anything. So soon after her new obsesion came into the picture I faded into the background without her paying much thought to what she was letting take over, and in the end, destroy our relationship that we formed over a period of almost four years.
It's sad how things turned out in the end for all of us. The things that we thought would never happen have happend and now we are nomore. When I was a freshman and our close knit group of friends began to form, I never would have thought that all woiuld have changed as much as we have over this not-so-long time span. And I know that 3.5 years seems like a pretty long amount of time, but when looked back on it all seems like just last week we were all having our weekendly gatherings at PIME in Jeissies room. The nights of staying up late and watching porn on TV while Jessie and I sit there and laugh about how stupid the people looked that were doing it, and the looks that everyone else in the room was giving us and the funny comments that they made because of the fact that we were even watching it in the first place. And the nights of going out in the woods after dark and setting off fire exstinguishers into the dence trees as we watched the frozen mist fill the entire area around us thinking how it looked just like something ina horror movie. All of that is gone now.
Maybe if we had stayed at Newark Catholic none of this would have ever happend and we all would still be as close as friends as we were in the past. It hurts to think that this all could have all been avoided if we wernt so selfish about our own wants and had just stayed where we knew everything was going to be safe. And now it has all fallen apart. No more conspiring with Megan about taking over the world with killer rabbits, no more of the goofy ass inside jokes that Rachel and I had came up with while we were bored in Biology driving Jessie crazy and ignoring everything that Mr. Kendal had to say about plant reproduction and why horses cant puke. The days of taking funny pictured of lyric and everyone in our art classes are now gone and replaced with long lonely days of sitting in class with no one to really talk to and then going home, work, and then bed.
Then again I guess things havn't turned out as badly as they could have. I could be totaly alone and have no one that I can get things off of my chest to and have fun and joke around. Theres still Alexis whom I speak to atleast twice a week to keep up with whats going on with eachother. And then theres Monnica whom I can always count on to talk to when I need to and can always make plans to go out with. Sam, whom I can always count on to make me laugh when I need it the most and gosip with about boys. And I cant forget my cute crush of a buddy Jeff who I can always be sure that everytime I talk to him on the phone I can be reminded that I am apparemtly still a child and that my chances with him are about as much as me winning the lottery, because I am just a "silly kinderqueer" after all, eh Jeff?
So now with all of that said I bid thee goodnight my LJ. Untill next time....
~loveless~
[No music for you!]
I guess it would be appropriate to start from where I first left off in my last entry. The one formerly known as Chris is excatly that. He is now one of those chapters in my pathetic life that has come and gone and thats all that really needs to be said about the series of events that led to the end of yet another one of my tragic (though less tragic than others) situation. My best friend Alexis moved to Amarillo Texas because her dad got a job offer to make $72,000 a year there compared to the $50,0000 a year that he was making while living here (Side note: he works for the millitary.) And now I'm left to salvage what is left of the close friends that I still have, though that proves to be very few.
And when I actually sat down and thought about the situation I relized how few close friends that I have. And really the friends that I do have left arnt really as close as Carmen, Alexis, and Jessie were, but now at this point they are the next closest thing that I have. I actually talked to Alexis tonight on the phone for quite a while. It's nice to know that even when she is far away that she still misses me and stil feels empowered to call me and make sure that we keep communication flowing between us. I could speak less for the latter of the three though.
Jessie faded out of existance finally after she had been thrown out of our house because my mom and her apparently had a conflict in opinions on the problem that had occured and she felt that she had to blow things out of control. In the end she lost all ties with the bulk of her family in our area, or atleast from the sounds of it with the information that was given to me from bother her mother and her cousin. It seems the only thing I was really good for was the use of my living space and the conveniance that it gave her to see her friends as well as getting to and from school and work.
As for Carmen we fell out in a more silent manner. All communication slowly began to shut down after she started to date her current boyfriend as well as the issues with our conflicting work scheduals that made it next to impossible for us to see eachother to do much of anything. So soon after her new obsesion came into the picture I faded into the background without her paying much thought to what she was letting take over, and in the end, destroy our relationship that we formed over a period of almost four years.
It's sad how things turned out in the end for all of us. The things that we thought would never happen have happend and now we are nomore. When I was a freshman and our close knit group of friends began to form, I never would have thought that all woiuld have changed as much as we have over this not-so-long time span. And I know that 3.5 years seems like a pretty long amount of time, but when looked back on it all seems like just last week we were all having our weekendly gatherings at PIME in Jeissies room. The nights of staying up late and watching porn on TV while Jessie and I sit there and laugh about how stupid the people looked that were doing it, and the looks that everyone else in the room was giving us and the funny comments that they made because of the fact that we were even watching it in the first place. And the nights of going out in the woods after dark and setting off fire exstinguishers into the dence trees as we watched the frozen mist fill the entire area around us thinking how it looked just like something ina horror movie. All of that is gone now.
Maybe if we had stayed at Newark Catholic none of this would have ever happend and we all would still be as close as friends as we were in the past. It hurts to think that this all could have all been avoided if we wernt so selfish about our own wants and had just stayed where we knew everything was going to be safe. And now it has all fallen apart. No more conspiring with Megan about taking over the world with killer rabbits, no more of the goofy ass inside jokes that Rachel and I had came up with while we were bored in Biology driving Jessie crazy and ignoring everything that Mr. Kendal had to say about plant reproduction and why horses cant puke. The days of taking funny pictured of lyric and everyone in our art classes are now gone and replaced with long lonely days of sitting in class with no one to really talk to and then going home, work, and then bed.
Then again I guess things havn't turned out as badly as they could have. I could be totaly alone and have no one that I can get things off of my chest to and have fun and joke around. Theres still Alexis whom I speak to atleast twice a week to keep up with whats going on with eachother. And then theres Monnica whom I can always count on to talk to when I need to and can always make plans to go out with. Sam, whom I can always count on to make me laugh when I need it the most and gosip with about boys. And I cant forget my cute crush of a buddy Jeff who I can always be sure that everytime I talk to him on the phone I can be reminded that I am apparemtly still a child and that my chances with him are about as much as me winning the lottery, because I am just a "silly kinderqueer" after all, eh Jeff?
So now with all of that said I bid thee goodnight my LJ. Untill next time....
~loveless~
[No music for you!]