"I sense you're one of those people who is harder on yourself than you need to be."
I've come to the conclusion that I am lethally hard on myself. Can I say it safely that this year has been hell? It's had its bright moments, I'll grant it that, but on the whole, my thirteenth year in ISD 709 has been an endless inferno. This week has been particularly hard on me--for reasons I'm unsure of. It's come to the point of insanity, really- I've spent so many weeks jumping through hoops, large and miniscule, crucial and trite- I feel like I've lost myself, at least temporarily. But the loss has been gradual- I've withered away ion by ion since day one, and now I can barely glimpse home- all is too blurred and vast and completely flawed- I frequently, very frequently wonder who the girl is that stares back in the looking glass. Who is she and why is she so different from the dear friend I once knew? I speak solely to myself in this instance. The year has corroded me such that I feel sorrow and longing for my official self, but am so distant from it that I can only muster a detached kind of depression. My soul feels adirectional and sprained a thousand times over. The excuses I make come from a girl vastly different from the one who entered school in September. I often ponder what exactly pushed me over the edge. I'm pushed over the edge far too quickly these days, and yet that isn't who I am! I say this in pure defense of myself- to myself and the world at large...there is so much regret in this heart of mine- things I wish I hadn't said, things I wish I had, people I long to see all the time but don't, and yet the excuses still exist, and my investments have run far too deep to back out of anything, and I mean this wholly. It's true; I don't enjoy much at all anymore. I weep internally for this, but realize that the roots of these passions run far deeper than this year's woes can touch. This isn't solely about me- it's about the way I've treated people, and the facade that I've put up- the impressions I've given. So much falsehood. Mostly because all I want is renewal. I want the new beginning, but I've been unwilling to give proper conclusion to this stage of life...I haven't even come to the end of the last chapter yet... I can't be more precise about this...the emotions of humiliation and emptiness plague my daily existence and I'm just tired of it. I don't want to sugarcoat it or adorn it with frills and metaphors and all the substance that constantly spews from me day after day after day--most often by force. Does anyone then know the real me, aside from those inner few souls? A beam of sun today included Laurie, who is the best teacher I could have asked for at this point in my life. Her comprehension of me never fails to astound me...her remedies are perfect, and her encouragement is always more than I feel I deserve. And yet she says I deserve it fully- that I don't know of my improvement because I hear myself every single droning day. She knows how to calm my nerves and my senses, and I never expected anything like that from a lesson teacher. She even said, she thought I was one of those people who is harder on themselves than they need to be. This is hardly revelatory, but it's so wonderful to hear from someone who gets me.
One can only pray.