HOW MUCH MORE EMO CAN U GET?
I don't feel good today.
I don't know if it is med problems, heat issues, the fact that I am in a ridiculously non-ideal living situation, lack of unprocessed food, or a combination of all those factors (Probably the combo), but I am feeling like utter shit emotionally and physically.
The first thing I am noticing is that I am RIDICULOUSLY tired here. I mean, don't get me wrong- I get tired fast anyway as a wonderful combination of being fat/having depression, but I can usually get at least 2/3 of the way through my grocery run without feeling completely wiped out. I went to Wal-mart last week and I was wiped out before I even started shopping, almost before I got in the store. It's really frustrating, especially considering that the mental health center is about 3 blocks away (total) and I feel like I can barely make it. Maybe it's the heat, the sun, or.. I don't know. But thinking back, I notice a definite pattern of me being more tired out here, and I'm not really sure why.
One thing that I am sure does not help is the fact that Jeremy's bed is incredibly uncomfortable. The mattress itself is kind of old, which is bad, but it's sort of uneven in that it is lower on the outer edge, so while I can comfortably lay on one side and have my body pillow to hug, if I try to turn over on my other side I feel like I am falling off the bed and it's nearly impossible to get comfortable. Last night I was so fed up with it that I actually switched my orientation and put my head at the other end of the bed, which only resulted in a moderately better experience because then I was only able to stay half asleep because I was worried I was going to kick Jeremy in the head and the intake fan on our windows was blowing right in my face.
And I know it isn't environmentally conscious but omfg I miss central air conditioning. It is just too fucking hot. It makes it hard to sleep at night, and then there's the flip side of it being too cold once the sun goes down. Add to that the fact that I am "set up' in a living room with.. let me count them.. SEVEN computers with HUGE mointors plus a few video gaming systems, and it gets hot really fast in here. And that's when there aren't even people out here.
Oh yeah, then there is the exhausting lack of privacy. I cannot freaking wait till Jeremy and I can get our own place. I'm trying to figure out if it's at all possible on just one income but the sad fact of the matter is that it isn't, so I'm trying to find work that won't make me go insane, which is sadly even harder here than it was in Rochester, but the difference here is that Jeremy doesn't think it's a problem because he's so confident I could get my job back at N.E.W..... which may actually be true, but with the way things are going right now, I am a lot more certain of my own assertion that it would be a huge mistake for me mentally.
Which brings me to the last bit of my complaining for this night, and the thing that's got me worried yet again... My mental well-being. Sometimes I am not 100% sure that Jeremy really takes me seriously when I have certain concerns, but I guess where I'm at is this; I am pretty certain that going back to N.E.W. would be really bad for me mentally; so at what point does that become something that takes that job off the table for me? I mean at what point is it acceptable for me to say "Yes, I know I could get this job, but if I get this job I will be completely and utterly miserable, and it will overall lower the quality of my life despite having more money to spend."
I guess I feel guilty for that, you know? Almost makes me wish I'd burned my bridges there when I left last time, but I kind of have a phobia about that, so I didn't. I'm a pro at not burning bridges. But seriously- when is it acceptable for me to say "No, you know what? Working there will be bad for me. Sure, I would have money- but at what cost?"
I managed to convince myself that coming to Montana wouldn't be as bad for my mental health as I feared, and I'm beginning to think that I shouldn't have done that, because I'm here now and I can see what is happening, and I'm a little more aware of how it's affecting me, and it just isn't good. Do I know if it would have been worse had I found some way to get out on my own in New York when my aunt kicked me out? No, I suppose I don't. But I am beginning to feel like I went from one trap to another trap and that I have very few decent options for getting out.
Anyway, yeah. Hopefully I will hear back from Great Falls Mental Health Clinic soon, because I really need to talk to a therapist and get that shit back on track, plus I have to figure out what I'm going to do about meds before my last months' worth runs out. Le sigh.
Thanks for listening to me vent.
PS: OMFG I MISS ROCHESTER AND GOOD RESTAURANTS AND WEGMANS AND TREES AND GROUPONS AND ULTA AND SEPHORA AND EVERYTHING EXCEPT MY AUNT.
I don't know if it is med problems, heat issues, the fact that I am in a ridiculously non-ideal living situation, lack of unprocessed food, or a combination of all those factors (Probably the combo), but I am feeling like utter shit emotionally and physically.
The first thing I am noticing is that I am RIDICULOUSLY tired here. I mean, don't get me wrong- I get tired fast anyway as a wonderful combination of being fat/having depression, but I can usually get at least 2/3 of the way through my grocery run without feeling completely wiped out. I went to Wal-mart last week and I was wiped out before I even started shopping, almost before I got in the store. It's really frustrating, especially considering that the mental health center is about 3 blocks away (total) and I feel like I can barely make it. Maybe it's the heat, the sun, or.. I don't know. But thinking back, I notice a definite pattern of me being more tired out here, and I'm not really sure why.
One thing that I am sure does not help is the fact that Jeremy's bed is incredibly uncomfortable. The mattress itself is kind of old, which is bad, but it's sort of uneven in that it is lower on the outer edge, so while I can comfortably lay on one side and have my body pillow to hug, if I try to turn over on my other side I feel like I am falling off the bed and it's nearly impossible to get comfortable. Last night I was so fed up with it that I actually switched my orientation and put my head at the other end of the bed, which only resulted in a moderately better experience because then I was only able to stay half asleep because I was worried I was going to kick Jeremy in the head and the intake fan on our windows was blowing right in my face.
And I know it isn't environmentally conscious but omfg I miss central air conditioning. It is just too fucking hot. It makes it hard to sleep at night, and then there's the flip side of it being too cold once the sun goes down. Add to that the fact that I am "set up' in a living room with.. let me count them.. SEVEN computers with HUGE mointors plus a few video gaming systems, and it gets hot really fast in here. And that's when there aren't even people out here.
Oh yeah, then there is the exhausting lack of privacy. I cannot freaking wait till Jeremy and I can get our own place. I'm trying to figure out if it's at all possible on just one income but the sad fact of the matter is that it isn't, so I'm trying to find work that won't make me go insane, which is sadly even harder here than it was in Rochester, but the difference here is that Jeremy doesn't think it's a problem because he's so confident I could get my job back at N.E.W..... which may actually be true, but with the way things are going right now, I am a lot more certain of my own assertion that it would be a huge mistake for me mentally.
Which brings me to the last bit of my complaining for this night, and the thing that's got me worried yet again... My mental well-being. Sometimes I am not 100% sure that Jeremy really takes me seriously when I have certain concerns, but I guess where I'm at is this; I am pretty certain that going back to N.E.W. would be really bad for me mentally; so at what point does that become something that takes that job off the table for me? I mean at what point is it acceptable for me to say "Yes, I know I could get this job, but if I get this job I will be completely and utterly miserable, and it will overall lower the quality of my life despite having more money to spend."
I guess I feel guilty for that, you know? Almost makes me wish I'd burned my bridges there when I left last time, but I kind of have a phobia about that, so I didn't. I'm a pro at not burning bridges. But seriously- when is it acceptable for me to say "No, you know what? Working there will be bad for me. Sure, I would have money- but at what cost?"
I managed to convince myself that coming to Montana wouldn't be as bad for my mental health as I feared, and I'm beginning to think that I shouldn't have done that, because I'm here now and I can see what is happening, and I'm a little more aware of how it's affecting me, and it just isn't good. Do I know if it would have been worse had I found some way to get out on my own in New York when my aunt kicked me out? No, I suppose I don't. But I am beginning to feel like I went from one trap to another trap and that I have very few decent options for getting out.
Anyway, yeah. Hopefully I will hear back from Great Falls Mental Health Clinic soon, because I really need to talk to a therapist and get that shit back on track, plus I have to figure out what I'm going to do about meds before my last months' worth runs out. Le sigh.
Thanks for listening to me vent.
PS: OMFG I MISS ROCHESTER AND GOOD RESTAURANTS AND WEGMANS AND TREES AND GROUPONS AND ULTA AND SEPHORA AND EVERYTHING EXCEPT MY AUNT.