Living in the Big Sky Country
Well, I'm in Montana. We set out Tuesday morning and arrived Thursday morning. I am not quite so far in debt as I thought I would be (when I drain my bank account to pay part of the credit card it'll be about $150 total left to pay off), and nothing really went wrong, so that's good I guess. Polyglot is being a bit skittish but I think he'll be OK, and my dad had a blast while he was here and got on the train yesterday morning. I returned the uhaul yesterday and didn't get any extra charges, and though I've still got unpacking to do, I'm making decent progress.
Unfortunately, my attempts to stay positive are not really helping me to stay upbeat. Jeremy is.. I don't know. He seems to be acting annoyed with me ever since I got here, and he sure as hell isn't being very affectionate. I have near-constant headaches and a sore throat from a combination of dry air, 2 days in the car with my dad smoking, and various cologne scents from people living with Jeremy. I'm cramped, and I really feel like people are being really judgmental about my stuff, which is frustrating because I've really downsized a lot since I left Rochester and I've stored a great deal more than I want to, but I'm still getting looks about my stuff and trying to scramble to find places to put it.
It's all really wearing on me, and I'm not doing so great. I haven't called the mental health center, which I know I need to do, I'm just.. I don't even have an excuse, really. I'm just tired. And depressed. I feel really uncomfortable here, and I don't have any place to go to be alone, and I hate not having my THINGS around me. And I hate people judging me for having what they think of as "too much" because it's just really hypocritical, considering that they've been living here for years and have WAY more stuff than I do. I know, I know mine is more in the way, and that this isn't MY house or whatever, but still, you'd think they'd be less.. I don't know. Like they wouldn't act so superior about it. Bleck, I don't know.
It's just hard, I suppose. I know that Jeremy's parents are being really great letting me stay here in the first place, and I suppose I shouldn't worry too much if they seem uncertain, but it's hard not to take it personally when it feels like no one is trusting me to get things straightened out. Like no one has any faith in me- for fucks sake, I just moved across the fucking country! I'm obviously not completely incompetent. Sigh.
On top of the above, Jeremy's bed is, as expected, not very comfortable. My back is constantly either in pain or stiff, which means we need a new bed- something that, of course, isn't exactly the easiest thing to do since beds happen to be one of the more expensive things you can purchase. Well, I guess technically we only need a new mattress set, but I'd prefer to also get a new bed since the one we have is, well, kind of crappy, and I wouldn't mind getting something that we can actually store things underneath.
And I think that most of all I'm just frustrated because Jeremy flat out said before I came out, back when I was trying to decide what to do after the whole aunt situation with her kicking me out, he told me "I think you are overblowing how unpleasant it will be for you in Montana," and now I'm here and it's just.. well it's not great. It's too many people. And I'm already doing a bit of job hunting, which isn't working so great. And I don't want to go back to N.E.W. because at some point the adverse effect on my mental health outweighs the benefit from the money, you know?
Overall, I think what bugs me most is that I still get this vibe that Jeremy flat-out does not understand why I value my mental health so highly- but really, if I'm not mentally stable/content/etc, then what's the point of the rest of it? If I am completely miserable mentally, then what good does anything else do?
Well, anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to go look through some more job listings and then try to go to sleep again. Hopefully I'll be able to actually fall asleep this time.
Unfortunately, my attempts to stay positive are not really helping me to stay upbeat. Jeremy is.. I don't know. He seems to be acting annoyed with me ever since I got here, and he sure as hell isn't being very affectionate. I have near-constant headaches and a sore throat from a combination of dry air, 2 days in the car with my dad smoking, and various cologne scents from people living with Jeremy. I'm cramped, and I really feel like people are being really judgmental about my stuff, which is frustrating because I've really downsized a lot since I left Rochester and I've stored a great deal more than I want to, but I'm still getting looks about my stuff and trying to scramble to find places to put it.
It's all really wearing on me, and I'm not doing so great. I haven't called the mental health center, which I know I need to do, I'm just.. I don't even have an excuse, really. I'm just tired. And depressed. I feel really uncomfortable here, and I don't have any place to go to be alone, and I hate not having my THINGS around me. And I hate people judging me for having what they think of as "too much" because it's just really hypocritical, considering that they've been living here for years and have WAY more stuff than I do. I know, I know mine is more in the way, and that this isn't MY house or whatever, but still, you'd think they'd be less.. I don't know. Like they wouldn't act so superior about it. Bleck, I don't know.
It's just hard, I suppose. I know that Jeremy's parents are being really great letting me stay here in the first place, and I suppose I shouldn't worry too much if they seem uncertain, but it's hard not to take it personally when it feels like no one is trusting me to get things straightened out. Like no one has any faith in me- for fucks sake, I just moved across the fucking country! I'm obviously not completely incompetent. Sigh.
On top of the above, Jeremy's bed is, as expected, not very comfortable. My back is constantly either in pain or stiff, which means we need a new bed- something that, of course, isn't exactly the easiest thing to do since beds happen to be one of the more expensive things you can purchase. Well, I guess technically we only need a new mattress set, but I'd prefer to also get a new bed since the one we have is, well, kind of crappy, and I wouldn't mind getting something that we can actually store things underneath.
And I think that most of all I'm just frustrated because Jeremy flat out said before I came out, back when I was trying to decide what to do after the whole aunt situation with her kicking me out, he told me "I think you are overblowing how unpleasant it will be for you in Montana," and now I'm here and it's just.. well it's not great. It's too many people. And I'm already doing a bit of job hunting, which isn't working so great. And I don't want to go back to N.E.W. because at some point the adverse effect on my mental health outweighs the benefit from the money, you know?
Overall, I think what bugs me most is that I still get this vibe that Jeremy flat-out does not understand why I value my mental health so highly- but really, if I'm not mentally stable/content/etc, then what's the point of the rest of it? If I am completely miserable mentally, then what good does anything else do?
Well, anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to go look through some more job listings and then try to go to sleep again. Hopefully I'll be able to actually fall asleep this time.