Forget it. You just stay there. I'll find... wherever it is.
[He sets his shoulders at a tense angle and starts talking across the hospital, stopping at pretty much every door to stare wearily inside. He's not even looking at first to see if Anemone followed.]
[She follows him, staying close but just moving behind him as they check the rooms. Times like these were when she cursed the hospital for being so big, but there's not much she can do but help look.]
[ And he's there, too. But over the past few hours his shoulder pain has progressed from a dull ache to something sharp and hard, and a furtive peek under his shirt revealed his bandages were turning a nasty red-black color. So he follows a bit, before wincing. He doesn't want to peel out early, but... ]
I'm gonna find a doctor. You guys alright on your own?
[ He's assuming the answer is yes, at this point. But he can't just leave without asking. He doesn't wait long for an answer, though-at the first acknowledgment he gets, he's out of there, in search of a doctor. ]
[This was... surreal. That was the only way he could describe it. He could understand now- more or less- what had caused him to lose it the way he did. But thinking back on it... it felt like he'd made each decision, come to every misguided conclusion himself. And he had, no matter how his mind had been affected by that infection. He hadn't been himself, but at least right now, it felt hard to separate himself from it. Could he even be so sure he was sane again...? He'd felt like he was in his right mind the entire time, even when tearing out his own throat
( ... )
[Any other time, he'd be swearing under his breath over how damned long this was taking. Instead, he was just pacing along with irritated body language and a distant expression. He did glance briefly back at Sorata before the other left... then at Anemone. Still there. But most of his attention was focused on finding the damned room.
...Couldn't bring himself to think about anything else. Not yet, at least.
Mid-way down one hall, he was peering into the rooms when he noticed a familiar shape in one. He stopped dead for a second...]
He's... [He glanced at Anemone, trying not to lose his composure right now. It was harder than it sounded.] You gonna wait out here?
[Anemone waved goodbye to Sorata before hurrying after Shinji once more. In a hurry, as expected... but this was good. Once he found the room, she smiled.]
Sure thing. Go on ahead, Shinji.
[She poked her head in the doorway long enough to wave to Wolfwood but soon settled for leaning against the wall and waiting.]
[With a deep sigh, he opened the door to that room and shut it behind him. Leaned on it a minute to get a good long look at Wolfwood.
...The scars were the first thing he noticed. He struggled not to wince at the sight of those jagged marks. Otherwise, it just felt good to look at him. to know that he was back. And...sane? He couldn't be sure, but Wolfwood didn't appear crazy at least.
After those few seconds, he got up off the door and strode toward him, bandaged hands in his pockets. It was an absolute fucking struggle to act as normal as this. But he had to be careful. He didn't even know if Wolfwood blamed him for this or what.]
[When Shinji finally appeared, he felt much less certain about what to do. Anemone's little wave distracted him for a moment, but then they were alone. He could practically feel him looking at his neck, and he couldn't keep from briefly bringing his hand up as if he could hide it that way. But he was stuck with it. His hand went back to his side.]
...I don't know. Fine. A little... confused. [Pain flashed in his eyes before he could stifle it.] I'm sorry. I can't... tell you how sorry I am. For all of it. [It felt and sounded so weak to him in words. Not enough. He wanted to move closer, to hold him, but he couldn't.] I should have realized something was wrong. I should have... [Should have what? How could he have changed any of what happened?]
Don't ... damn it, you don't gotta say any of that. It's not your fault.
['It's mine,' he wanted to say, but he swallowed it. Not all his. Considering what happened and the... particular delusions Wolfwood had, it sure as hell felt like it. He hadn't driven him insane, but he hadn't been able to stop him either. Just couldn't stop him.
He ground his teeth together before that started playing like a mantra in his head again. He was standing close enough to reach out and touch him, but he was holding that back right now. Trying to figure out how to answer that question.]
...not bad. Punched a few things, I guess.
[Extremely mild way of putting it. Oh well, he'd worry about the apartment when they got to it.]
I'm... [He glanced up at him, not sure what he wanted to say. Whatever it was just stuck in his throat. He couldn't apologize for something that awful. And... nothing else could be said in words
( ... )
It won't make a goddamn difference, but I have to say something. There's nothing else I can do.
[After all he'd done, the way he'd acted, he couldn't be sure if trying to hold him right now would make things worse. But he wanted to be closer
( ... )
[Even after Wolfwood returned the hold, Shinji couldn't relax into it. He kept shaking, and he didn't loosen his grip at all. If this wasn't Discedo... if they lived in any other place, he wouldn't have this right now. You didn't get second chances with mistakes like that. So, he didn't feel like he deserved to be holding him, but he'd be damned if he let him go.
...a weird, choked sound escaped him when he heard that. Couldn't trust himself to return the words right then. He'd spent so much time and effort putting himself together. He'd fall apart, and he didn't want to put him through that right now. He buried his face in Wolfwood's shoulder and just hoped that saying it without words could be enough.]
[Wolfwood bit his lip at that sound. Maybe he shouldn't have said that, not yet... he didn't move for a long time, just caressing his hair and back for a time while they held each other. He closed his eyes, and images- memories- replayed in front of them. He could remember all of it. Thinking about it sickened him. He couldn't shake the feeling that he could go back to that crazed mindset without warning and not even realize that it was horribly wrong
( ... )
So... [Struggling to maintain a normal tone here.] Which room are you in?
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Not sure. Guess I'll... [He trails off, but doesn't say anything else.]
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Forget it. You just stay there. I'll find... wherever it is.
[He sets his shoulders at a tense angle and starts talking across the hospital, stopping at pretty much every door to stare wearily inside. He's not even looking at first to see if Anemone followed.]
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I'm gonna find a doctor. You guys alright on your own?
[ He's assuming the answer is yes, at this point. But he can't just leave without asking. He doesn't wait long for an answer, though-at the first acknowledgment he gets, he's out of there, in search of a doctor. ]
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...Couldn't bring himself to think about anything else. Not yet, at least.
Mid-way down one hall, he was peering into the rooms when he noticed a familiar shape in one. He stopped dead for a second...]
He's... [He glanced at Anemone, trying not to lose his composure right now. It was harder than it sounded.] You gonna wait out here?
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Sure thing. Go on ahead, Shinji.
[She poked her head in the doorway long enough to wave to Wolfwood but soon settled for leaning against the wall and waiting.]
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[With a deep sigh, he opened the door to that room and shut it behind him. Leaned on it a minute to get a good long look at Wolfwood.
...The scars were the first thing he noticed. He struggled not to wince at the sight of those jagged marks. Otherwise, it just felt good to look at him. to know that he was back. And...sane? He couldn't be sure, but Wolfwood didn't appear crazy at least.
After those few seconds, he got up off the door and strode toward him, bandaged hands in his pockets. It was an absolute fucking struggle to act as normal as this. But he had to be careful. He didn't even know if Wolfwood blamed him for this or what.]
Are you... [A pause.] How are you feeling?
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...I don't know. Fine. A little... confused. [Pain flashed in his eyes before he could stifle it.] I'm sorry. I can't... tell you how sorry I am. For all of it. [It felt and sounded so weak to him in words. Not enough. He wanted to move closer, to hold him, but he couldn't.] I should have realized something was wrong. I should have... [Should have what? How could he have changed any of what happened?]
...At least tell me you're not hurt.
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['It's mine,' he wanted to say, but he swallowed it. Not all his. Considering what happened and the... particular delusions Wolfwood had, it sure as hell felt like it. He hadn't driven him insane, but he hadn't been able to stop him either. Just couldn't stop him.
He ground his teeth together before that started playing like a mantra in his head again. He was standing close enough to reach out and touch him, but he was holding that back right now. Trying to figure out how to answer that question.]
...not bad. Punched a few things, I guess.
[Extremely mild way of putting it. Oh well, he'd worry about the apartment when they got to it.]
I'm... [He glanced up at him, not sure what he wanted to say. Whatever it was just stuck in his throat. He couldn't apologize for something that awful. And... nothing else could be said in words ( ... )
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[After all he'd done, the way he'd acted, he couldn't be sure if trying to hold him right now would make things worse. But he wanted to be closer ( ... )
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...a weird, choked sound escaped him when he heard that. Couldn't trust himself to return the words right then. He'd spent so much time and effort putting himself together. He'd fall apart, and he didn't want to put him through that right now. He buried his face in Wolfwood's shoulder and just hoped that saying it without words could be enough.]
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