[This was... surreal. That was the only way he could describe it. He could understand now- more or less- what had caused him to lose it the way he did. But thinking back on it... it felt like he'd made each decision, come to every misguided conclusion himself. And he had, no matter how his mind had been affected by that infection. He hadn't been himself, but at least right now, it felt hard to separate himself from it. Could he even be so sure he was sane again...? He'd felt like he was in his right mind the entire time, even when tearing out his own throat.
There wasn't a lot of light in the room, and it didn't matter much because there were no mirrors; he had to settle for feeling his way over the fresh scarring left on his neck. It made him feel sick pretty quickly, so he stopped and stood up to slowly pace the room instead. What would he even say to Shinji...? The thought of seeing him, knowing what he'd just gone through... no, he couldn't know what he'd gone through. He'd never lost Shinji, much less in the fashion Shinji had just lost him. He stopped pacing to glance apprehensively at the door. He's just... do whatever felt right, when he arrived.]
[Any other time, he'd be swearing under his breath over how damned long this was taking. Instead, he was just pacing along with irritated body language and a distant expression. He did glance briefly back at Sorata before the other left... then at Anemone. Still there. But most of his attention was focused on finding the damned room.
...Couldn't bring himself to think about anything else. Not yet, at least.
Mid-way down one hall, he was peering into the rooms when he noticed a familiar shape in one. He stopped dead for a second...]
He's... [He glanced at Anemone, trying not to lose his composure right now. It was harder than it sounded.] You gonna wait out here?
[Anemone waved goodbye to Sorata before hurrying after Shinji once more. In a hurry, as expected... but this was good. Once he found the room, she smiled.]
Sure thing. Go on ahead, Shinji.
[She poked her head in the doorway long enough to wave to Wolfwood but soon settled for leaning against the wall and waiting.]
[With a deep sigh, he opened the door to that room and shut it behind him. Leaned on it a minute to get a good long look at Wolfwood.
...The scars were the first thing he noticed. He struggled not to wince at the sight of those jagged marks. Otherwise, it just felt good to look at him. to know that he was back. And...sane? He couldn't be sure, but Wolfwood didn't appear crazy at least.
After those few seconds, he got up off the door and strode toward him, bandaged hands in his pockets. It was an absolute fucking struggle to act as normal as this. But he had to be careful. He didn't even know if Wolfwood blamed him for this or what.]
[When Shinji finally appeared, he felt much less certain about what to do. Anemone's little wave distracted him for a moment, but then they were alone. He could practically feel him looking at his neck, and he couldn't keep from briefly bringing his hand up as if he could hide it that way. But he was stuck with it. His hand went back to his side.]
...I don't know. Fine. A little... confused. [Pain flashed in his eyes before he could stifle it.] I'm sorry. I can't... tell you how sorry I am. For all of it. [It felt and sounded so weak to him in words. Not enough. He wanted to move closer, to hold him, but he couldn't.] I should have realized something was wrong. I should have... [Should have what? How could he have changed any of what happened?]
Don't ... damn it, you don't gotta say any of that. It's not your fault.
['It's mine,' he wanted to say, but he swallowed it. Not all his. Considering what happened and the... particular delusions Wolfwood had, it sure as hell felt like it. He hadn't driven him insane, but he hadn't been able to stop him either. Just couldn't stop him.
He ground his teeth together before that started playing like a mantra in his head again. He was standing close enough to reach out and touch him, but he was holding that back right now. Trying to figure out how to answer that question.]
...not bad. Punched a few things, I guess.
[Extremely mild way of putting it. Oh well, he'd worry about the apartment when they got to it.]
I'm... [He glanced up at him, not sure what he wanted to say. Whatever it was just stuck in his throat. He couldn't apologize for something that awful. And... nothing else could be said in words.
...He stared at him for a long moment, and just gave in. He took another step forward and pulled Wolfwood into his arms. His grip was rough, desperate, hard enough to probably hurt him a little. He couldn't quite keep his hands from shaking.]
It won't make a goddamn difference, but I have to say something. There's nothing else I can do.
[After all he'd done, the way he'd acted, he couldn't be sure if trying to hold him right now would make things worse. But he wanted to be closer...
That answer was vague, and it left him feeling a little sick. He'd left Shinji alone with his corpse, soaked in his blood. If it had been reversed... He tried not to think too much about that.
He caught Shinji's eye when he started to speak, watching him struggle. The sudden embrace caught him off-guard, mainly because he'd been convincing himself that it was just that kind of contact that he should be avoiding right now. He tensed up, unsure for a moment; not to mention the strength of his grip felt... different, now that he was 'weak' again. When the warmth of his body, his scent, the sound of his breathing and everything sank in, he relaxed all at once, wrapping his arms around Shinji and holding him just as hard, just as desperately. He felt Shinji's hands trembling, and it wasn't until a moment later that he realized he was starting to shake pretty hard himself. He softly stroked Shinji's hair, whispering the words that he felt needed to be said while he was in his right mind.]
[Even after Wolfwood returned the hold, Shinji couldn't relax into it. He kept shaking, and he didn't loosen his grip at all. If this wasn't Discedo... if they lived in any other place, he wouldn't have this right now. You didn't get second chances with mistakes like that. So, he didn't feel like he deserved to be holding him, but he'd be damned if he let him go.
...a weird, choked sound escaped him when he heard that. Couldn't trust himself to return the words right then. He'd spent so much time and effort putting himself together. He'd fall apart, and he didn't want to put him through that right now. He buried his face in Wolfwood's shoulder and just hoped that saying it without words could be enough.]
[Wolfwood bit his lip at that sound. Maybe he shouldn't have said that, not yet... he didn't move for a long time, just caressing his hair and back for a time while they held each other. He closed his eyes, and images- memories- replayed in front of them. He could remember all of it. Thinking about it sickened him. He couldn't shake the feeling that he could go back to that crazed mindset without warning and not even realize that it was horribly wrong.
Even as those thoughts plagued him, another, older concern came to the forefront. The chip. Months ago, he was willing to have it put back in to slow his aging, with the dream of spending a long life on Fortuna with Shinji. Since then, his enemies had come here, and the issue had been forcibly pushed aside and forgotten. They were gone now, but their presence and actions had changed everything. He didn't know anymore. They could reappear at any time, and even without them there were too many dangers... even without the chip, he'd fallen prey to something like this. With it in...
Slowly, he let go of Shinji and let his hands move down to rest low on his waist. He tried to keep his dark thoughts from showing in his expression, but it was too hard right now to completely mask himself.]
There wasn't a lot of light in the room, and it didn't matter much because there were no mirrors; he had to settle for feeling his way over the fresh scarring left on his neck. It made him feel sick pretty quickly, so he stopped and stood up to slowly pace the room instead. What would he even say to Shinji...? The thought of seeing him, knowing what he'd just gone through... no, he couldn't know what he'd gone through. He'd never lost Shinji, much less in the fashion Shinji had just lost him. He stopped pacing to glance apprehensively at the door. He's just... do whatever felt right, when he arrived.]
Reply
...Couldn't bring himself to think about anything else. Not yet, at least.
Mid-way down one hall, he was peering into the rooms when he noticed a familiar shape in one. He stopped dead for a second...]
He's... [He glanced at Anemone, trying not to lose his composure right now. It was harder than it sounded.] You gonna wait out here?
Reply
Sure thing. Go on ahead, Shinji.
[She poked her head in the doorway long enough to wave to Wolfwood but soon settled for leaning against the wall and waiting.]
Reply
[With a deep sigh, he opened the door to that room and shut it behind him. Leaned on it a minute to get a good long look at Wolfwood.
...The scars were the first thing he noticed. He struggled not to wince at the sight of those jagged marks. Otherwise, it just felt good to look at him. to know that he was back. And...sane? He couldn't be sure, but Wolfwood didn't appear crazy at least.
After those few seconds, he got up off the door and strode toward him, bandaged hands in his pockets. It was an absolute fucking struggle to act as normal as this. But he had to be careful. He didn't even know if Wolfwood blamed him for this or what.]
Are you... [A pause.] How are you feeling?
Reply
...I don't know. Fine. A little... confused. [Pain flashed in his eyes before he could stifle it.] I'm sorry. I can't... tell you how sorry I am. For all of it. [It felt and sounded so weak to him in words. Not enough. He wanted to move closer, to hold him, but he couldn't.] I should have realized something was wrong. I should have... [Should have what? How could he have changed any of what happened?]
...At least tell me you're not hurt.
Reply
['It's mine,' he wanted to say, but he swallowed it. Not all his. Considering what happened and the... particular delusions Wolfwood had, it sure as hell felt like it. He hadn't driven him insane, but he hadn't been able to stop him either. Just couldn't stop him.
He ground his teeth together before that started playing like a mantra in his head again. He was standing close enough to reach out and touch him, but he was holding that back right now. Trying to figure out how to answer that question.]
...not bad. Punched a few things, I guess.
[Extremely mild way of putting it. Oh well, he'd worry about the apartment when they got to it.]
I'm... [He glanced up at him, not sure what he wanted to say. Whatever it was just stuck in his throat. He couldn't apologize for something that awful. And... nothing else could be said in words.
...He stared at him for a long moment, and just gave in. He took another step forward and pulled Wolfwood into his arms. His grip was rough, desperate, hard enough to probably hurt him a little. He couldn't quite keep his hands from shaking.]
Reply
[After all he'd done, the way he'd acted, he couldn't be sure if trying to hold him right now would make things worse. But he wanted to be closer...
That answer was vague, and it left him feeling a little sick. He'd left Shinji alone with his corpse, soaked in his blood. If it had been reversed... He tried not to think too much about that.
He caught Shinji's eye when he started to speak, watching him struggle. The sudden embrace caught him off-guard, mainly because he'd been convincing himself that it was just that kind of contact that he should be avoiding right now. He tensed up, unsure for a moment; not to mention the strength of his grip felt... different, now that he was 'weak' again. When the warmth of his body, his scent, the sound of his breathing and everything sank in, he relaxed all at once, wrapping his arms around Shinji and holding him just as hard, just as desperately. He felt Shinji's hands trembling, and it wasn't until a moment later that he realized he was starting to shake pretty hard himself. He softly stroked Shinji's hair, whispering the words that he felt needed to be said while he was in his right mind.]
I love you...
Reply
...a weird, choked sound escaped him when he heard that. Couldn't trust himself to return the words right then. He'd spent so much time and effort putting himself together. He'd fall apart, and he didn't want to put him through that right now. He buried his face in Wolfwood's shoulder and just hoped that saying it without words could be enough.]
Reply
Even as those thoughts plagued him, another, older concern came to the forefront. The chip. Months ago, he was willing to have it put back in to slow his aging, with the dream of spending a long life on Fortuna with Shinji. Since then, his enemies had come here, and the issue had been forcibly pushed aside and forgotten. They were gone now, but their presence and actions had changed everything. He didn't know anymore. They could reappear at any time, and even without them there were too many dangers... even without the chip, he'd fallen prey to something like this. With it in...
Slowly, he let go of Shinji and let his hands move down to rest low on his waist. He tried to keep his dark thoughts from showing in his expression, but it was too hard right now to completely mask himself.]
...Let's get out of here.
Reply
Leave a comment