It won't make a goddamn difference, but I have to say something. There's nothing else I can do.
[After all he'd done, the way he'd acted, he couldn't be sure if trying to hold him right now would make things worse. But he wanted to be closer...
That answer was vague, and it left him feeling a little sick. He'd left Shinji alone with his corpse, soaked in his blood. If it had been reversed... He tried not to think too much about that.
He caught Shinji's eye when he started to speak, watching him struggle. The sudden embrace caught him off-guard, mainly because he'd been convincing himself that it was just that kind of contact that he should be avoiding right now. He tensed up, unsure for a moment; not to mention the strength of his grip felt... different, now that he was 'weak' again. When the warmth of his body, his scent, the sound of his breathing and everything sank in, he relaxed all at once, wrapping his arms around Shinji and holding him just as hard, just as desperately. He felt Shinji's hands trembling, and it wasn't until a moment later that he realized he was starting to shake pretty hard himself. He softly stroked Shinji's hair, whispering the words that he felt needed to be said while he was in his right mind.]
[Even after Wolfwood returned the hold, Shinji couldn't relax into it. He kept shaking, and he didn't loosen his grip at all. If this wasn't Discedo... if they lived in any other place, he wouldn't have this right now. You didn't get second chances with mistakes like that. So, he didn't feel like he deserved to be holding him, but he'd be damned if he let him go.
...a weird, choked sound escaped him when he heard that. Couldn't trust himself to return the words right then. He'd spent so much time and effort putting himself together. He'd fall apart, and he didn't want to put him through that right now. He buried his face in Wolfwood's shoulder and just hoped that saying it without words could be enough.]
[Wolfwood bit his lip at that sound. Maybe he shouldn't have said that, not yet... he didn't move for a long time, just caressing his hair and back for a time while they held each other. He closed his eyes, and images- memories- replayed in front of them. He could remember all of it. Thinking about it sickened him. He couldn't shake the feeling that he could go back to that crazed mindset without warning and not even realize that it was horribly wrong.
Even as those thoughts plagued him, another, older concern came to the forefront. The chip. Months ago, he was willing to have it put back in to slow his aging, with the dream of spending a long life on Fortuna with Shinji. Since then, his enemies had come here, and the issue had been forcibly pushed aside and forgotten. They were gone now, but their presence and actions had changed everything. He didn't know anymore. They could reappear at any time, and even without them there were too many dangers... even without the chip, he'd fallen prey to something like this. With it in...
Slowly, he let go of Shinji and let his hands move down to rest low on his waist. He tried to keep his dark thoughts from showing in his expression, but it was too hard right now to completely mask himself.]
[After all he'd done, the way he'd acted, he couldn't be sure if trying to hold him right now would make things worse. But he wanted to be closer...
That answer was vague, and it left him feeling a little sick. He'd left Shinji alone with his corpse, soaked in his blood. If it had been reversed... He tried not to think too much about that.
He caught Shinji's eye when he started to speak, watching him struggle. The sudden embrace caught him off-guard, mainly because he'd been convincing himself that it was just that kind of contact that he should be avoiding right now. He tensed up, unsure for a moment; not to mention the strength of his grip felt... different, now that he was 'weak' again. When the warmth of his body, his scent, the sound of his breathing and everything sank in, he relaxed all at once, wrapping his arms around Shinji and holding him just as hard, just as desperately. He felt Shinji's hands trembling, and it wasn't until a moment later that he realized he was starting to shake pretty hard himself. He softly stroked Shinji's hair, whispering the words that he felt needed to be said while he was in his right mind.]
I love you...
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...a weird, choked sound escaped him when he heard that. Couldn't trust himself to return the words right then. He'd spent so much time and effort putting himself together. He'd fall apart, and he didn't want to put him through that right now. He buried his face in Wolfwood's shoulder and just hoped that saying it without words could be enough.]
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Even as those thoughts plagued him, another, older concern came to the forefront. The chip. Months ago, he was willing to have it put back in to slow his aging, with the dream of spending a long life on Fortuna with Shinji. Since then, his enemies had come here, and the issue had been forcibly pushed aside and forgotten. They were gone now, but their presence and actions had changed everything. He didn't know anymore. They could reappear at any time, and even without them there were too many dangers... even without the chip, he'd fallen prey to something like this. With it in...
Slowly, he let go of Shinji and let his hands move down to rest low on his waist. He tried to keep his dark thoughts from showing in his expression, but it was too hard right now to completely mask himself.]
...Let's get out of here.
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