Arashi
This is just a tiny long post trying to write down some of my feelings. I don't even know what I'm about to write. It's been a bumpy ride...let me tell you that
Soooo... the announcement, where was I? I was on vacation! I was in this beautiful place with a beautiful view...and just going back to the place we were staying and then I casually open LJ without taking much effort into it, and casually got to read this entry of some of my mutual friends saying goodbye to Arashi... ok, my first thought: she's leaving the fandom...why? Well, I've seen that happening before...and then I couldn't quite get what was she talking about. Then a fear got into my skin as I open Twitter, and there it was... it was so freaking scaring, I panicked...I didn't know what to do, I mean ...the friend I was with would not understand what was going on, I didn't understand myself. After a couple of minutes of being totally lost searching through the different versions of what was going on I texted my Arashi friend and she had heard! I mean, this was happening and we only could interchange crying emojis, that's all...
Now, time has passed...I'm back home, and it still hurts, a lot. I got through all of the stages of grief and occasionally I get back and forth through them. What is going on? What is going to happen? My two pillars in Arashi have spoken by now and idk, I want to believe in the slightest chance of having light at the end of the tunnel we'll go through by the end of 2020... but I'm still scared.
Of course, I went through all those thoughts that various fans have already shared, I cried after a couple of days, before returning home and it was so healing! I also thought, in a more positive note, that this will be the time we need to catch up, there's so much of them I haven't seen and I'd given up on been able to catch up. Also, I felt like there was so much to work on, lyrics, shows, articles, there's so much to work on to have everything on them in English. We'll have material to work with. Also, there were thoughts about how I'll survive? How will I go in here or Twitter or any SNS and not expect to find news on them? Where will they be? And then... it got worse, I thought...what about if I'm not able to enjoy them in past concerts, in Shukudai, etc, because of the reality of the present. What will I do if all of that gets tinted with nostalgia and sadness? What will happen to me without Arashi?
And then... the thoughts... what about them? What are the things they deserve to have, to enjoy? What is that they want to do? Or better, what are the things Ohno Satoshi wants to do or enjoy? Ohno Satoshi, I can't get mad at him... there's no logic in being mad at someone that in worse case scenario has been sacrificing his well-being to do this career. In my case, I love my job, I love my professions, both of them, I end up my days thinking about job related stuff when work is hard and I keep thinking how to improve myself. I love what I do to bits, so, how could I possibly understand what Ohno Satoshi has been feeling? I was on vacation when this happened, is he even able to do that? To go away, to breath in peace, to enjoy travelling, to has the control about his time?
These have been days full of thoughts, but there are a couple of good results out of this. I'll name them here without any order: many fans are back, many fans as I'm doing have expressed their feelings here in LJ and many other platforms, communities have expressed their intentions, celebrities and shows have also expressed their support, our love for the five have come to the surface, all their music has new meaning, Untitled has become so much meaningful, there are so many memories of them in different situations during these 20 years coming back to our minds and making us laugh, and that is the most meaningful positive point of all, I still love their music, I still laugh with them, it's full of nostalgia and sadness but they still put a smile on my face. They're still Arashi, the old Arashi that we love, that we all believed would stay forever, and we're still a part of that. And I'm sorry about being so silly/naive to add this here but, as long as we remember, as long as we still share them, as we still enjoy them, we still have Arashi. The Storm will still be among us.
I'm not certain about anything, they were my certainty in Johnny's and look how it ended! There are side notes to this, that I want to mention quickly, it's a side note. I can't avoid comparing this with Kanjani/other groups situations. For Eito, they decided to move forward as 6 and it's fine. Even Sho-san said it himself, it works different for each group. As a Kanjani's fan, I feel like they made the right choice. I like having them around. And that was/is my biggest fear with the rest of Arashi. I still want to see them around, Nino, Aiba-chan, Sho-kun, Matsujun, if they enjoy what they do, please stay around, I know it's not the same, but I want to see you, I love you too. We'll all wait for Oh-chan, why to lose them all, if we still have the four of them, even without the concerts, even without their music, even without my beloved Shiyagare's food corner, even with all gone, if at least they're still around, I know things will work out. I want to see them. I don't know, that's my personal thoughts, it's like I can't let go of all 5 of them at once... It's not Arashi, but I also love them individually.
So, to sum up, I'm scared, I'm scared to believe in waiting for them to come back and then one day, they'd just announce their disbandment, as T&T, I'm scared. I want to believe though. They've hurt me enough, I think, and then... I think, what else can I do except to wait for them?, to hope that Oh-chan, Satoshi-san, please miss us! Please miss us to the point of wanting to come back to us. We understand and we set you free with a sad smile, really, but please after taking your time long for us! Let us say おかえり because we love you too, I love you too. I know it feels silly to say it, but I do. I can't be mad at you, because I love you. And I want you to be happy. Even if it means losing the thing that puts a smile on my face and a laugh in my heart. It definitely feels like a break up. Like wanting to ask Oh-chan, are we not good enough? What is our fault?
Riida, I hope you find what you're looking for, what you're longing for. Thanks for everything you've done and will do for us. What I would love to tell you is the exactly thing I wanted to say to Arashi that day when I'd finally meet my dream of seeing them: 'Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you'.
At the end, there's one thing I'm really glad about all of this, they're giving us time, thank you for that, but it's Arashi, we wouldn't expect less. It hurts, it'll take time, I don't know how long, but ... I think the 'but' will always be there. I'll wait for you guys, you don't have to even give us some hope, I'd do it anyways. I love you.
Thank you.
💙❤️💚💛💜
PS: Enjoy your summer vacation Satoshi. And... don't forget about us, we won't ever, ever forget about you.