Rebuild.
So...it's been a week of depressing boredom and unmotivated sadness for me. I think this is the part of the process that just kind of digs at you any chance it can get - like a hungry ravenous dog with the corpse of a field mouse.
Not that I think of myself as a mouse...I'm much louder than that. But pain sucks. Isn't that thought-provoking? It has its own little ways...its own paths in your mind, like a snake, it has a way of striking just the wrong nerves and squeezing the pressure just a little bit tigher. Will I overcome this? How did I get myself here and will it be an embarrasing dig out of this mess? What do I think love is?
God there's so much more. I think that sometimes...when you're in a painful situation when you've been done wrong so badly that it shakes you to the core and really just cracks all of the shit away that you cover yourself in (the excuses, the rationalizations, the teases, the lies you tell yourself to make those rationalizations true enough to accept them) and there is no response from the other side and you can't make that one on one connection and talk and forgive, I believe you have to forgive on your own, forgive out loud to the vacant air in the room and find peace in yourself and the things that you do have.
I may not be there quite yet, but I know this is possible inside of me. I'm going to burn this city down, wait until the smoke clears and let that first breeze of fresh air tickle my nose and push my hair upwards to the sky and then...then I will rebuild.
This has been an amazing few months internally. On the outside, I may look like a waif that just stepped off the runway and I may not be eating at all, but on the inside, I can't help but think that I have been through such an incredible amount of...LIFE. Challenging, questioning, fighting, hurting, loving, hating, working, feeling. Life is not glamorous. But it is never dull.
<><><>Later dayz...
Not that I think of myself as a mouse...I'm much louder than that. But pain sucks. Isn't that thought-provoking? It has its own little ways...its own paths in your mind, like a snake, it has a way of striking just the wrong nerves and squeezing the pressure just a little bit tigher. Will I overcome this? How did I get myself here and will it be an embarrasing dig out of this mess? What do I think love is?
God there's so much more. I think that sometimes...when you're in a painful situation when you've been done wrong so badly that it shakes you to the core and really just cracks all of the shit away that you cover yourself in (the excuses, the rationalizations, the teases, the lies you tell yourself to make those rationalizations true enough to accept them) and there is no response from the other side and you can't make that one on one connection and talk and forgive, I believe you have to forgive on your own, forgive out loud to the vacant air in the room and find peace in yourself and the things that you do have.
I may not be there quite yet, but I know this is possible inside of me. I'm going to burn this city down, wait until the smoke clears and let that first breeze of fresh air tickle my nose and push my hair upwards to the sky and then...then I will rebuild.
This has been an amazing few months internally. On the outside, I may look like a waif that just stepped off the runway and I may not be eating at all, but on the inside, I can't help but think that I have been through such an incredible amount of...LIFE. Challenging, questioning, fighting, hurting, loving, hating, working, feeling. Life is not glamorous. But it is never dull.
<><><>Later dayz...