(no subject)
as "Hey Jude" from Across The Universe plays in the background, I can't help but want to spill spill spill....spill my feelings into this entry. But not just here - release some of those feelings into another avenue...go for a run...get away...find someplace comfortable and just be there and probably cry. Not just cry for the sake of crying, but cry because of how much I feel as though I have failed. On so many levels, I feel like a total and complete idiot.
And I'm sitting here asking those damn questions - the ones that fester and tingle as they linger and almost really tickle me deep down in my bones until I address them. Questions like "Who am I?", "What is it that I want to do?", "How do I feel about where I am in life now?" and those questions deserve answers.
I'm struggling to do something...to form an identity. And as silly and stupid as that sounds - I am molding one every day. I am balancing out who I am and what I allow people to see. The shroud over the private parts of me slowly chipping away like old paint on the semi-exposed wall. And it's funny because I am one person at one job, and another at the other. I am one person with one friend, and one with another.
Jonny won't be coming up as planned. I don't think devastated is the word. I think it's just that tickling inside my bones that's killing me. It aches. Its an itch in the center of your back that even your arm thrown backwards and sidways cannot reach. One part of me feels that I am such a wonderful person and someone that really cares would do whatever they could to get to be with me. The other says "Surprise, Chris. You're chasing after someone or something with so much vigor and passion ...but who's chasing after you?"
Who's chasing after me. Nobody. As wonderful as I think I may be in the greater sense of things, I'm just a guy on a crazy chase for something as uncatchable as his own shadow. hahaha maybe it'll take me a journey across the world to figure it out that my shadow only exists as long as the sun is behind me. Or perhaps on that note, I need to find something inside of me before I go looking for something else.
It's terribly late. I am just a complete mess.
And I'm sitting here asking those damn questions - the ones that fester and tingle as they linger and almost really tickle me deep down in my bones until I address them. Questions like "Who am I?", "What is it that I want to do?", "How do I feel about where I am in life now?" and those questions deserve answers.
I'm struggling to do something...to form an identity. And as silly and stupid as that sounds - I am molding one every day. I am balancing out who I am and what I allow people to see. The shroud over the private parts of me slowly chipping away like old paint on the semi-exposed wall. And it's funny because I am one person at one job, and another at the other. I am one person with one friend, and one with another.
Jonny won't be coming up as planned. I don't think devastated is the word. I think it's just that tickling inside my bones that's killing me. It aches. Its an itch in the center of your back that even your arm thrown backwards and sidways cannot reach. One part of me feels that I am such a wonderful person and someone that really cares would do whatever they could to get to be with me. The other says "Surprise, Chris. You're chasing after someone or something with so much vigor and passion ...but who's chasing after you?"
Who's chasing after me. Nobody. As wonderful as I think I may be in the greater sense of things, I'm just a guy on a crazy chase for something as uncatchable as his own shadow. hahaha maybe it'll take me a journey across the world to figure it out that my shadow only exists as long as the sun is behind me. Or perhaps on that note, I need to find something inside of me before I go looking for something else.
It's terribly late. I am just a complete mess.