The End. The End. The End.
I wrote this 30 minutes after we talked today around 12 noon. It's pretty raw and it's everything I remember as it was still fresh in my mind. So here it goes:
i was on the phone with jonny today. i decided i was going to lay it on him:
"i don't understand what it is that i'm missing. i must be missing somethingbecause it's so easy for you to come back to california for a weekend and justhang out with me for a day or even lunch, but you won't do it. you tell me it's not that easy. like it's complicated and i don't understand something. you can't have me in this same capacity and have hawaii. it's not fair." he told me there wasn't anything i was missing and that it's just not that easy.
and then he said it.
"i've been back with mikey for the last 3 months"
and i started to cry. i couldn't hold back the flood of tears beneath my eyes. i told him "i have to go, i have to go" and he said "stay on the phone with me" and i said "i have to go" and closed the phone. i cried. i could barely stand.
i just stood in my near-empty room...crying...looking around for something, anyone...something to make it not hurt. i couldn't even catch my breath. i felt my heart beat through my chest...pumping with the adrenaline and shockand not even being able to fully envelope my mind around a singular thought.
the phone started ringing. it was jonny.
i picked up...still crying..."hello? what am i supposed to say?"
i told him that he lied to me for the last three months...with everything he said to me, sober or drunk, all of it. he said "i didn't lie to you. you never asked me if i was with him." to which i said "what? why would
i ask you?! you're not the US Military - you don't operate on a don't-ask-don't-tell policy. you should have told me." and he said i was going through so much at the time and he was afraid to because i would get upset and tell him i never wanted to talk to him again.
i said "why don't you write a song about how you broke my heart and lied to me for a year? that'll be a smash hit. good luck with that. how am i supposed to trust you? well, i hope you're happy. you used to say you wish i could just forget about you and never want to talk to you again. and now you have your wish. right now." to which he replied "i said that when i was mad" and i said "i don't wish bad things for people because i don't do that. so i wish you and mikey well - but i can't help but think you'll do the same thing to him again and just lie and be so scared to tell the truth and you'll ruin it. i wonder how you played me off to him...probably the same way you played him off on me" and he said "like what?" and i said " 'oh yea chris and i still talk...that poor lovestruck guy in fullerton, he still wants me. it's so sad." he said "is that how you think i talk about you?" and i said "well, that's the same way you talked about mikey to me! your record is your record. you don't tell the truth."
"have you ever thought of being honest to someone you care about...ever?"
he said "ouch" and i said "no, really, because if you did, you would avoid all of the things you have trouble with now. all of it."
i said "i can't talk to you again. it's a shame it has to end like this." he said "it doesn't have to end like this." and i said "yes, it does - you're with mikey. you're in a relationship and i will not knowingly and willingly talk with you in the same capacity as we previously were. the last time i did it, i fell into it and didn't know. and then i had people thousands of miles away who didn't even know me hating my guts blaming me for breaking you two up. i will not do that ever again." ....so there was a pause. i said "if i talk to you again on any terms, it will be really casual and with mikey knowing about it." he said "mikey knows we talk." i said "i want to talk to mikey on the phone myself and discuss that with him." jonny said "what? you don't trust me?" i said "this has nothing to do with trusting you - this has to do with me needing to speak to him for my own peace of mind." and he said "i need to talk to mikey about that." i wondered at that point if he lied again. and then he said "i have to get going" and i said "ok...bye."....and there was a long pause...i almost closed the phone, opened it again, heard him still there...and then closed the phone.
to try and analyze all of this...i do want to speak with mikey - but not for the purpose of continuing to talk to jonny like we did - i don't feel like that's necessary in my life. i know i need to make things ok with jonny...end it peacfully so there are no questions or angry feelings left over that will carry into a forthcoming relationship with someone. i truly feel this is the end of the road for jonny and i. whatever the hell that was. it comes down to self-preservation and self-respect. do i allow myself to be trampled over by this person that can't tell the truth to save their soul - or do i stand up, dust myself off and get back on the wagon? how strong am i? we are intrepid, right? i have bounced back from a lot of things. how will this go? it all feels so final. will i call jonny? i don't know. i do believe that i know what will happen next: he will call or text or something and say that he thinks we shouldn't talk anymore. i know that's how he'll do it. I just know. I KNOW it. I can feel it around the corner. it bothers me that i never ever saw him...but believed in a world a hawaiian paradise full of characters and stories and i'll never know if any of it was real because it was never tangible. it exists only in some saved AIM conversations, a bunch of pictures and this piece of metal that i cried into this afternoon. i feel drained...and extremely unimpressed.
<><><>Later dayz...
i was on the phone with jonny today. i decided i was going to lay it on him:
"i don't understand what it is that i'm missing. i must be missing somethingbecause it's so easy for you to come back to california for a weekend and justhang out with me for a day or even lunch, but you won't do it. you tell me it's not that easy. like it's complicated and i don't understand something. you can't have me in this same capacity and have hawaii. it's not fair." he told me there wasn't anything i was missing and that it's just not that easy.
and then he said it.
"i've been back with mikey for the last 3 months"
and i started to cry. i couldn't hold back the flood of tears beneath my eyes. i told him "i have to go, i have to go" and he said "stay on the phone with me" and i said "i have to go" and closed the phone. i cried. i could barely stand.
i just stood in my near-empty room...crying...looking around for something, anyone...something to make it not hurt. i couldn't even catch my breath. i felt my heart beat through my chest...pumping with the adrenaline and shockand not even being able to fully envelope my mind around a singular thought.
the phone started ringing. it was jonny.
i picked up...still crying..."hello? what am i supposed to say?"
i told him that he lied to me for the last three months...with everything he said to me, sober or drunk, all of it. he said "i didn't lie to you. you never asked me if i was with him." to which i said "what? why would
i ask you?! you're not the US Military - you don't operate on a don't-ask-don't-tell policy. you should have told me." and he said i was going through so much at the time and he was afraid to because i would get upset and tell him i never wanted to talk to him again.
i said "why don't you write a song about how you broke my heart and lied to me for a year? that'll be a smash hit. good luck with that. how am i supposed to trust you? well, i hope you're happy. you used to say you wish i could just forget about you and never want to talk to you again. and now you have your wish. right now." to which he replied "i said that when i was mad" and i said "i don't wish bad things for people because i don't do that. so i wish you and mikey well - but i can't help but think you'll do the same thing to him again and just lie and be so scared to tell the truth and you'll ruin it. i wonder how you played me off to him...probably the same way you played him off on me" and he said "like what?" and i said " 'oh yea chris and i still talk...that poor lovestruck guy in fullerton, he still wants me. it's so sad." he said "is that how you think i talk about you?" and i said "well, that's the same way you talked about mikey to me! your record is your record. you don't tell the truth."
"have you ever thought of being honest to someone you care about...ever?"
he said "ouch" and i said "no, really, because if you did, you would avoid all of the things you have trouble with now. all of it."
i said "i can't talk to you again. it's a shame it has to end like this." he said "it doesn't have to end like this." and i said "yes, it does - you're with mikey. you're in a relationship and i will not knowingly and willingly talk with you in the same capacity as we previously were. the last time i did it, i fell into it and didn't know. and then i had people thousands of miles away who didn't even know me hating my guts blaming me for breaking you two up. i will not do that ever again." ....so there was a pause. i said "if i talk to you again on any terms, it will be really casual and with mikey knowing about it." he said "mikey knows we talk." i said "i want to talk to mikey on the phone myself and discuss that with him." jonny said "what? you don't trust me?" i said "this has nothing to do with trusting you - this has to do with me needing to speak to him for my own peace of mind." and he said "i need to talk to mikey about that." i wondered at that point if he lied again. and then he said "i have to get going" and i said "ok...bye."....and there was a long pause...i almost closed the phone, opened it again, heard him still there...and then closed the phone.
to try and analyze all of this...i do want to speak with mikey - but not for the purpose of continuing to talk to jonny like we did - i don't feel like that's necessary in my life. i know i need to make things ok with jonny...end it peacfully so there are no questions or angry feelings left over that will carry into a forthcoming relationship with someone. i truly feel this is the end of the road for jonny and i. whatever the hell that was. it comes down to self-preservation and self-respect. do i allow myself to be trampled over by this person that can't tell the truth to save their soul - or do i stand up, dust myself off and get back on the wagon? how strong am i? we are intrepid, right? i have bounced back from a lot of things. how will this go? it all feels so final. will i call jonny? i don't know. i do believe that i know what will happen next: he will call or text or something and say that he thinks we shouldn't talk anymore. i know that's how he'll do it. I just know. I KNOW it. I can feel it around the corner. it bothers me that i never ever saw him...but believed in a world a hawaiian paradise full of characters and stories and i'll never know if any of it was real because it was never tangible. it exists only in some saved AIM conversations, a bunch of pictures and this piece of metal that i cried into this afternoon. i feel drained...and extremely unimpressed.
<><><>Later dayz...