Cutting off a "friendship"
I have one of those difficult letters to write now, I'm still not a hundred percent certain how I am going to do it.
There was a guy I hung out with a little bit a while back now that I have since distanced myself from. The initial prodding to do so came from Hermes, he let me know he didn't want this guy in my life any longer. This was not something that had happened to me before at this point, but I have learned both to listen to my own instincts and to trust Hermes' as well, and so I ceased accepting his phone calls to see where this would lead to.
And he was completely right. Distance brings clarity sometimes, and he was one of a couple of destructive people I got mixed up with when I first moved down here. Understandable, I had just gotten out of a very long very bad period of my life, I had never had much in the way of a social life and the last couple years before I was living in total isolation while recovering from all the abuse; it took me some time to get my shit together and recognize how subtly toxic some people can be. Some of them I kind of had to interact with, because I either lived with or worked with them, not the case with him though and so he was the first to go. As for right now, all those people have been stripped out of my life and I am doing so much better for it.
But despite that I haven't accepted this guy's calls in about a year and a half, he still has not taken the hint. Which isn't to say that he tries to call me constantly, maybe once every two to three months, but the fact that he still tries at all is baffling to me. I wondered what I should do about that for a while there, and I suppose if I had his address or his email I would have already; my instinct told me doing this over the phone would not go over well, I need to end things through a medium that does not allow him to respond to me, this is the way its going to be and then no more contact, no chance to argue or anything. He'd try to call, and I would think this over, then forget about it until the next call.
Yeah, I probably should have tried harder in the first place, when I realized he was going to be oblivious. But now, I have my chance. Because his last message reminded me that he had lent me a few things I honestly forgot that I had, I shouldn't be keeping his stuff but I don't want to see him, he doesn't know where I live and I prefer it stay that way. So I called someone at the grove to see if his address was on file so I can just mail this shit back to him and be done with it. I've decided to include a letter in there saying that I don't want him to call me anymore, this friendship is over and has been over and here is why.
The question is, how much do I really want to go into? How much of an explanation is he owed? And what tone should this letter take? I don't want to be nice about, he's oblivious enough that I think that would likely send a mixed message. Cold and uncompromising, but how rude should I be if I should be at all? There is a large degree to which I'm aggravated this need be done at all, and a lot of this I have been holding in and probably need to vent it at least once to the person that really needs to hear it. But I'm just not sure.
So I'm throwing this out to the LJ brain trust? Tell me, friend's list, what would you do?
1. This man has some rather serious problems that he really should be seeing a shrink about. Mostly they revolve around sex, the fact that his libido is way out of control and he regularly behaves in ways that are wildly inappropriate and often down right creepy (leering rather aggressively at various women, making sexual commentary on obviously underage girls, etc.) and seeming unwilling to recognize what he is doing is not okay and not stopping it however much he is told. I do want to state clearly I don't really believe that he means any harm, however if this situation is allowed to continue I do see a potential for something to "go too far" or for him to lose control at the drop of a hat (he'd feel sorry later I'm sure, but it would be too late by then, wouldn't it?)
2. He has not cheated on his wife yet that I am aware of, but he wants to and I do believe that he would if given the opportunity. It came pretty close once. I am not pro cheating, in fact i think that is a bullshit thing to do. the fact that he made me complicit in this is not okay with me, not okay at all. Especially since I also used to see his wife every now and then. I let it slide the first few times, and once attempted to suggest that if he was that unhappy in his marriage why not end it before hurting her unnecessarily. He had a million excuses and then went on as before.
3. He had a brief relationship on the internet with an eighteen year old (this guy is not eighteen by the way, he's more than old enough to be my father) that, from his description, to me anyway, sounds like a piece of trash that would screw anything. She eventually dumped him for another guy. he's convinced he was in love with her and last I checked he has not gotten over this. I can see being butt hurt about it for a little while, but seriously, you never met her in person you never really knew her at all, I didn't even get the sense that they actually chatted for any great length of time and never connected beyond a damn I'd like to fuck you level. You couldn't have been that in love with her. And yet that was pretty much all he ever talked about was how broken up over this he was, wanted revenge and all that shit. I've seen long term relationships end with less hurt than he was displaying. This always struck me as a very clear red flag, a sign that all was not well in his head.
4. About 95% of our conversation was about the above issue. He was pretty much using me as a dumping ground for his personal drama. And this here was really the big reason that he got the ax out of my life. There were far too many people doing that for a little while there, and having that much bullshit being spewed into my ear on a regular basis caused so much shit in my life it wasn't even funny. People like that are toxic in one of the worst possible ways, because they can sneak up on you and it might take some time to realize the damage they are causing to your personal space. Don't get me wrong, shit happens to everyone and I can so understand needing to vent, needing a shoulder to lean on. Hell, I need that often enough myself. But there is a limit, a point at which this is happening way too often, a point at which it starts to seem that this is pretty much the whole of your relationship with them, all that you are to them.
5. One of my requirements for being willing to listen to your problems is that, sooner or later, you actually start doing something about them. If you don't want to get help for yourself, want to wallow in your misery and your drama, its your life and I guess that's your choice to make; but once you make that choice, shut the fuck up about your fucking problems, if you've chosen to live with them you don't get to bitch. A lot of people seem to really enjoy the attention that victimhood brings to them, they seem to thrive on it and I've met a disturbing number of those people last couple of years; I refuse to indulge that bullshit. Every now and then, when talking with him, I would see this little glimmer like part of him knows there is something wrong in his life, but always in the end status quo rules. He has a million and one excuses, and most of them involve blaming everyone but himself. A mutual acquaintance of ours made the mistake of mentioning that she would try to look into giving him the names of a few friendly therapists local to him, but it didn't happen because she has a life of her own and shit gets forgotten sometimes. And now this is his excuse for why he isn't helping himself, because she was supposed to find him someone and she didn't so now I guess his hands are tied. Bullshit, it doesn't matter what someone promised you, you are responsible for your own life and no one else. Its always nice when someone wants to offer to help but you are the only one who is obligated to act in your favor. But he's never let go of this, and he also likes to talk about what a piece of shit this woman is for having "let him down." I flat out told him once that he needed to get help for himself, and this was what I heard. My point was completely lost in his persistent victimhood.
6. This last part here may seem cold on my part, but its also true. He seems to want so much more out of this relationship than I ever intended to give. Him and I connected over a couple of superficial secondary interests, at best he was an acquaintance I could have spent an hour or two chatting inanely with every couple weeks or so. Ultimately, we don't have much in common and as far as the very big important things go, its just not there (as of late, the people I connect with and want to talk with at great length are people I can connect with spiritually, that has become the most important thing to me; hating the world is up second and if I can get both then oh yeah! :-)). But here he is treating me like I'm his best friend, the only friend he has in the world (and with the way he was acting, that may well have been the case). Called me way too fucking much, got way too fucking personal; we ran out of anything to discuss pretty quickly and there were a lot of awkward silences before we moved into the next whining about my problems session. Yeah, I should have established boundaries, though I'm honestly not certain how much of a difference it might have made. He is just so fucking needy I can't stand it. I am a very independent misanthrope that's never been too good on emotions either mine or yours. I am generally not the person you go to for such things. I might make that effort for someone I was very close to, it would be uncomfortable and alien to me but I would do it if we were close. For an acquaintance I barely know at all, no I don't think so. If what you need is a very best friend that will also be the sounding board for your never ending drama, you need to go elsewhere, that is not what I signed up for.
I could say all of this, none of this, I'm not sure. I have no illusions that anything I say will make any great difference, this won't wake him up to the glaring need to do something with his life, I'm sure I'll just turn into another meanie poo poo head in his eyes. That's fine, I don't care about that. I care about him not continuing to call me, that's the point of this.
So, what do we think? How in depth should this be? How nasty should it be? Any advice is welcome. :-)
There was a guy I hung out with a little bit a while back now that I have since distanced myself from. The initial prodding to do so came from Hermes, he let me know he didn't want this guy in my life any longer. This was not something that had happened to me before at this point, but I have learned both to listen to my own instincts and to trust Hermes' as well, and so I ceased accepting his phone calls to see where this would lead to.
And he was completely right. Distance brings clarity sometimes, and he was one of a couple of destructive people I got mixed up with when I first moved down here. Understandable, I had just gotten out of a very long very bad period of my life, I had never had much in the way of a social life and the last couple years before I was living in total isolation while recovering from all the abuse; it took me some time to get my shit together and recognize how subtly toxic some people can be. Some of them I kind of had to interact with, because I either lived with or worked with them, not the case with him though and so he was the first to go. As for right now, all those people have been stripped out of my life and I am doing so much better for it.
But despite that I haven't accepted this guy's calls in about a year and a half, he still has not taken the hint. Which isn't to say that he tries to call me constantly, maybe once every two to three months, but the fact that he still tries at all is baffling to me. I wondered what I should do about that for a while there, and I suppose if I had his address or his email I would have already; my instinct told me doing this over the phone would not go over well, I need to end things through a medium that does not allow him to respond to me, this is the way its going to be and then no more contact, no chance to argue or anything. He'd try to call, and I would think this over, then forget about it until the next call.
Yeah, I probably should have tried harder in the first place, when I realized he was going to be oblivious. But now, I have my chance. Because his last message reminded me that he had lent me a few things I honestly forgot that I had, I shouldn't be keeping his stuff but I don't want to see him, he doesn't know where I live and I prefer it stay that way. So I called someone at the grove to see if his address was on file so I can just mail this shit back to him and be done with it. I've decided to include a letter in there saying that I don't want him to call me anymore, this friendship is over and has been over and here is why.
The question is, how much do I really want to go into? How much of an explanation is he owed? And what tone should this letter take? I don't want to be nice about, he's oblivious enough that I think that would likely send a mixed message. Cold and uncompromising, but how rude should I be if I should be at all? There is a large degree to which I'm aggravated this need be done at all, and a lot of this I have been holding in and probably need to vent it at least once to the person that really needs to hear it. But I'm just not sure.
So I'm throwing this out to the LJ brain trust? Tell me, friend's list, what would you do?
1. This man has some rather serious problems that he really should be seeing a shrink about. Mostly they revolve around sex, the fact that his libido is way out of control and he regularly behaves in ways that are wildly inappropriate and often down right creepy (leering rather aggressively at various women, making sexual commentary on obviously underage girls, etc.) and seeming unwilling to recognize what he is doing is not okay and not stopping it however much he is told. I do want to state clearly I don't really believe that he means any harm, however if this situation is allowed to continue I do see a potential for something to "go too far" or for him to lose control at the drop of a hat (he'd feel sorry later I'm sure, but it would be too late by then, wouldn't it?)
2. He has not cheated on his wife yet that I am aware of, but he wants to and I do believe that he would if given the opportunity. It came pretty close once. I am not pro cheating, in fact i think that is a bullshit thing to do. the fact that he made me complicit in this is not okay with me, not okay at all. Especially since I also used to see his wife every now and then. I let it slide the first few times, and once attempted to suggest that if he was that unhappy in his marriage why not end it before hurting her unnecessarily. He had a million excuses and then went on as before.
3. He had a brief relationship on the internet with an eighteen year old (this guy is not eighteen by the way, he's more than old enough to be my father) that, from his description, to me anyway, sounds like a piece of trash that would screw anything. She eventually dumped him for another guy. he's convinced he was in love with her and last I checked he has not gotten over this. I can see being butt hurt about it for a little while, but seriously, you never met her in person you never really knew her at all, I didn't even get the sense that they actually chatted for any great length of time and never connected beyond a damn I'd like to fuck you level. You couldn't have been that in love with her. And yet that was pretty much all he ever talked about was how broken up over this he was, wanted revenge and all that shit. I've seen long term relationships end with less hurt than he was displaying. This always struck me as a very clear red flag, a sign that all was not well in his head.
4. About 95% of our conversation was about the above issue. He was pretty much using me as a dumping ground for his personal drama. And this here was really the big reason that he got the ax out of my life. There were far too many people doing that for a little while there, and having that much bullshit being spewed into my ear on a regular basis caused so much shit in my life it wasn't even funny. People like that are toxic in one of the worst possible ways, because they can sneak up on you and it might take some time to realize the damage they are causing to your personal space. Don't get me wrong, shit happens to everyone and I can so understand needing to vent, needing a shoulder to lean on. Hell, I need that often enough myself. But there is a limit, a point at which this is happening way too often, a point at which it starts to seem that this is pretty much the whole of your relationship with them, all that you are to them.
5. One of my requirements for being willing to listen to your problems is that, sooner or later, you actually start doing something about them. If you don't want to get help for yourself, want to wallow in your misery and your drama, its your life and I guess that's your choice to make; but once you make that choice, shut the fuck up about your fucking problems, if you've chosen to live with them you don't get to bitch. A lot of people seem to really enjoy the attention that victimhood brings to them, they seem to thrive on it and I've met a disturbing number of those people last couple of years; I refuse to indulge that bullshit. Every now and then, when talking with him, I would see this little glimmer like part of him knows there is something wrong in his life, but always in the end status quo rules. He has a million and one excuses, and most of them involve blaming everyone but himself. A mutual acquaintance of ours made the mistake of mentioning that she would try to look into giving him the names of a few friendly therapists local to him, but it didn't happen because she has a life of her own and shit gets forgotten sometimes. And now this is his excuse for why he isn't helping himself, because she was supposed to find him someone and she didn't so now I guess his hands are tied. Bullshit, it doesn't matter what someone promised you, you are responsible for your own life and no one else. Its always nice when someone wants to offer to help but you are the only one who is obligated to act in your favor. But he's never let go of this, and he also likes to talk about what a piece of shit this woman is for having "let him down." I flat out told him once that he needed to get help for himself, and this was what I heard. My point was completely lost in his persistent victimhood.
6. This last part here may seem cold on my part, but its also true. He seems to want so much more out of this relationship than I ever intended to give. Him and I connected over a couple of superficial secondary interests, at best he was an acquaintance I could have spent an hour or two chatting inanely with every couple weeks or so. Ultimately, we don't have much in common and as far as the very big important things go, its just not there (as of late, the people I connect with and want to talk with at great length are people I can connect with spiritually, that has become the most important thing to me; hating the world is up second and if I can get both then oh yeah! :-)). But here he is treating me like I'm his best friend, the only friend he has in the world (and with the way he was acting, that may well have been the case). Called me way too fucking much, got way too fucking personal; we ran out of anything to discuss pretty quickly and there were a lot of awkward silences before we moved into the next whining about my problems session. Yeah, I should have established boundaries, though I'm honestly not certain how much of a difference it might have made. He is just so fucking needy I can't stand it. I am a very independent misanthrope that's never been too good on emotions either mine or yours. I am generally not the person you go to for such things. I might make that effort for someone I was very close to, it would be uncomfortable and alien to me but I would do it if we were close. For an acquaintance I barely know at all, no I don't think so. If what you need is a very best friend that will also be the sounding board for your never ending drama, you need to go elsewhere, that is not what I signed up for.
I could say all of this, none of this, I'm not sure. I have no illusions that anything I say will make any great difference, this won't wake him up to the glaring need to do something with his life, I'm sure I'll just turn into another meanie poo poo head in his eyes. That's fine, I don't care about that. I care about him not continuing to call me, that's the point of this.
So, what do we think? How in depth should this be? How nasty should it be? Any advice is welcome. :-)