Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class
Jun 02, 2005 11:51
Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
After confirming everyone's names on the roll,
thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention
that yesterday was the last day to drop.
After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet.
If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice,
"The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky
Willy".
If someone asks a question, walk silently over to
their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to
give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
Pick out random students, ask them questions, and
time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in
your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of
the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply
that there will be a quiz.
Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
Address students as "worm."
Announce to students that their entire grades will
be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that
this could happen at any moment.
Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask
them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a
blowtorch.
Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare
off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward
silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange
gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their
direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class
he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone
asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
Tell your math students that they must do all
their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol
you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to
fail students who don't use it.
Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it
will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an
office and office hours.
Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia
Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a
report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a
signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your
grade book.
Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean
suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety
and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"