Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class

Jun 02, 2005 11:51

  • Wear a hood with one eyehole.  Periodically make strange gurgling noises.   
  • After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.   
  • After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
  • Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.   
  • Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
  • Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet.  If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".   
  • If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
  • Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
  • Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".   
  • Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.   
  • Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.   Giggle throughout it.   
  • Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.   
  • Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish.   Ignore all questions.   
  • Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
  • Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.   
  • Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture.   Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.   
  • Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.   
  • Address students as "worm."
  • Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam.   Imply that this could happen at any moment.   
  • Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.   
  • Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration.  Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
  • Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.   
  • Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
  • Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes.   After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.   
  • Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves.   When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.   
  • Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.   
  • Growl constantly and address students as "matey".   
  • Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".   
  • Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.   
  • Bring a small dog to class.  Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot".  Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
  • Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".   
  • Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system.  Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.   
  • Claim to be a chicken.  Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.   
  • Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester.  Assign it an office and office hours.   
  • Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.   
  • Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.   
  • Give an opening monologue.  Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.   
  • Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".   
  • Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.   
  • Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.   
  • Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class.  Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.   
  • Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.  Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.   
  • Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.   
  • Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.   
  • Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.   
  • Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit.  Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".   
  • Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped?  ARE YOU PUMPED?  I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!"
Previous post Next post
Up