I Can't Let Go...
Goddamnit. People still call me every day asking for shit and I don't know why I can't just tell them to stop calling. I have the number memorized... I spent the majority of my teen life wishing I could remember things, its ironic... if I could just selectively forget this shit that keeps sucking me in I'd be a lot better off. "He's at work, I'll let you know." When in my head I'm screaming "STOP FUCKING CALLING ME!! I DON'T DO THAT SHIT ANYMORE!" but I can't bring myself to say it. I can't let go and that scares the shit outta me. I don't want to let go. Its not the drugs that I miss as much as the power. The drug scene was MY scene. It was all I knew how to do... the only thing I felt I had control over, which is also ironic considering it seemed to be the thing that was making my life so "unmanagable." I almost couldn't take it... 9 people called and I haven't been outta school 2 hours. I was about to just flip out on the next motherfucker who called and asked if I was back on my grind. B.Y.O.B. was ringing in the bathroom and I ran to my phone... and look who it is now... we talked for a bit, caught up a little and discussed recent events... recent arrests... recent raids... It's sick, but it didn't make me glad that I was out of that shit... I almost missed it. He asked if I had any, I said I'd call him back. He asked since I couldn't do drugs if I wanted to drink and I said yes. I didn't fucking want to do ANYTHING until he asked. I hung up and stared at my phone. Why can't I control this shit... WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST FUCKING LET GO!? I prayed and I feel like I want to drink more now. I hate this shit. I've been catching myself lying involuntarily lately too... I was getting better. I feel like I'm fucking DROWNING!! Gasping for air....... or sanity...... or anything to keep me alive. I'm sober and MISERABLE! My Honesty, to myself and others, and my Willingness is slowly drifting farther away. I that I have left is Openmindedness and right now the only thing I'm open to is the idea that maybe I can drink and get away with it. I'm not staying sober for my family or friends or my motherfuck self. The only motivation I have is probation and thats fucking sad. Sometimes I want to because I remember how bad it got... and how bad I got.... and how fucked up everything was, but I constantly find myself questioning my motives for sobriety. If I don't WANT to stay sober, I wont.... and that fucking terrifies me. I should call my sponsor... but I'm not going to... cause I'm a dumbass. I'm just going to continue to pace back and forth in this empty house and isolate myself from everyone and attempt to get my mind off this shit thats poisoning my fucking head. I just have to get out of my head... It's so fucking hard though....