if you can understand, i just have to vent.
death has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. Its like my period, i get uncomfortable and irritated when its about to come, when it comes i'm in pain for days, and than i just deal with it, and when its over i know its going to happen again. I really do think death is beautiful, as bizarre as that may sound. I really cherish my experiences with it. I just keep thinking about my grandfather. he was so fragile, his lips were white and thin and pressed against his teeth, his skin was delicate as tissue paper and held no signs of life. As he took his last breath i felt like i got to watch him be born into his next life. I never felt so hapy for someone, and so pathetically sad for myself. there are still times when i say to him, "when will i get to see you and touch you? when will i smell you and here your voice? will i ever experience another day where you come int he front door and bring the sweet earthy smell of fall leaves with you?" i get so upset by the fact that i can no longer control when i see him. he only appears as a cameo in an occasional dream, to which i wake up feeling the gnawing of my starvation for his company.
my grandmother keeps telling me shes not doing so well. i feel so guilty; on one hand i want to make the most of my time with her, and on the other hand its so hard to visit her and see how much pain shes in. Im trying to stay logical and calm but i find that irrational thoughts creep up on me. Im angry with the thought that im the most involved grandchild and i got the least time with her. I can only remember so many years of dinners with her. im the one who had tea with her and is best friends with her, im the one that washes her dog and cleans her house and gets advice from her and gives advice to her. yet i was born last... by six whole years. meawhile, the oldest of the nine of us NEVER visits her. they dont even know whats going on or who she is. and as irrational as it is, thats how i feel. I feel like im not ready for this one. maybe i wil be when it happens. i probably will be. i was ready for everyone else i saw go. but thinking of her... some peple say things like "of they lived a long life"... im not a person that thinks of age. shes not just an old grandma to me, shes a specal, beautiful person that tries her hardest to understand and love everyone. ive never met anyone like her and dont want to say goodbye. i dont want to talk to the air or pray to see her face in dreams. ever. who will laugh with me about how dumb our family is when shes gone? who will roll there eyes to make me laugh when kenny talks about his dog? who will say, "let your wind be free, wherever you may be, whether it be church or chapel, let it rattle!" or share a distaste for the catholic church. who will share "when we beat up boys" stories or listen to my marital gripes and actually care. I also feel sad that madelyn may not remember someone who is such a great inspiration to me. but to think more positively, at least i had her early enough so that she got to meet her at all.
i think ever time ive written about lose ive said, "the more you have, the more you have to lose". i still believe that. Im incredibly grateful for all that i have and the responsibilities that come with.
if you can understand, i just have to vent.
i wrote this last night but im posting it tonight because i considered not posting it at all. im not sure who reads this and its personal. but then i realized it doesnt matter at all since everyone has experienced the same thing. more or less.
chelsea
my grandmother keeps telling me shes not doing so well. i feel so guilty; on one hand i want to make the most of my time with her, and on the other hand its so hard to visit her and see how much pain shes in. Im trying to stay logical and calm but i find that irrational thoughts creep up on me. Im angry with the thought that im the most involved grandchild and i got the least time with her. I can only remember so many years of dinners with her. im the one who had tea with her and is best friends with her, im the one that washes her dog and cleans her house and gets advice from her and gives advice to her. yet i was born last... by six whole years. meawhile, the oldest of the nine of us NEVER visits her. they dont even know whats going on or who she is. and as irrational as it is, thats how i feel. I feel like im not ready for this one. maybe i wil be when it happens. i probably will be. i was ready for everyone else i saw go. but thinking of her... some peple say things like "of they lived a long life"... im not a person that thinks of age. shes not just an old grandma to me, shes a specal, beautiful person that tries her hardest to understand and love everyone. ive never met anyone like her and dont want to say goodbye. i dont want to talk to the air or pray to see her face in dreams. ever. who will laugh with me about how dumb our family is when shes gone? who will roll there eyes to make me laugh when kenny talks about his dog? who will say, "let your wind be free, wherever you may be, whether it be church or chapel, let it rattle!" or share a distaste for the catholic church. who will share "when we beat up boys" stories or listen to my marital gripes and actually care. I also feel sad that madelyn may not remember someone who is such a great inspiration to me. but to think more positively, at least i had her early enough so that she got to meet her at all.
i think ever time ive written about lose ive said, "the more you have, the more you have to lose". i still believe that. Im incredibly grateful for all that i have and the responsibilities that come with.
if you can understand, i just have to vent.
i wrote this last night but im posting it tonight because i considered not posting it at all. im not sure who reads this and its personal. but then i realized it doesnt matter at all since everyone has experienced the same thing. more or less.
chelsea