There where flames surrounding me. A dream- more terrifying than the last..
We stood irresolute, her at the door; me, in the middle of the room. She gave a sort of awkward wave, and then left. I poured my Scotch down the gutter, and soon found myself shaking hard enough to place my head between my knees. I sat like that for a while, and at some point started to laugh. It was startling- it went on and on. I was truly saying goodbye to a friend, and lonelier than I had ever been.
You’re in a strange state after a few sleepless weeks. The outlines of things get very clear, and each night without rest makes you lighter by pounds. You move in slow motion, almost floating, really. It’s then that he threatens me- with an invasion I can’t control, others who had done the same I could walk away from, but this once- something changed. I felt like a child being scolded for displeasing the adults, shamed.
When I was younger, my parents decided one day to get my picture taken. I was not at all happy, and as cute as having a four-year old pout for the camera- it doesn’t exactly scream ‘precious’. The photographer gave me a doll to hold, with one last attempt to cheer me up. I liked it, so of course- I did. But when they put on my coat to leave, I refused to let go of the doll. It had been given to me, and I was taking it home. So even when things are going smoothly, and I smile for every second of the day- I’m always waiting, just to see if that nasty little man will take it away again.
Now someone very dear to me is gone- and in the midst of winter, I feel a spark of joy. Not very appropriate at the time, but i can't want until Yule. I'm anxiously waiting for the year to begin- It's the exhilaration of a survivor. I’ve felt the strange numbness before, this time it hit me with a wave- the entire day was spent at peace. Not once did I have the urge to cry, not once did I regret what I had done.
And I doubt that I will, I’m very pleased with myself- very confident. And incredibly proud- of what I’m capable of for now. And that's not very appropriate eigher.
That's all.
“Crawl along the seashore, I hear her call my name. Staring off, into the tide- I’ll never be the same..”