Her arms around my waist, she held onto me- And I let out my breath for the first time in days..
I’d gone through half a bottle of Chardonnay by 7, and for once I didn’t force myself to throw it up. For once I didn’t despise the taste of liquor on my tongue. I brushed my teeth hard, had a cold shower before collapsing into bed, pulled to cool sheet on top of me, and passed out.
When the door of my bedroom opened, I had no idea whether I was awake or asleep- like one of those slow-motion dreams in which you want to run out, but your limbs are too heavy to move. She was silhouetted against the dim lighting, and my mind slowly worked out that she’d let herself in. It was dark in the room, only a beam of light shown in from the outside- and this I was grateful for. I heard a dog howling, and her shadow stood- looking at me? Starting to take off her clothes, unselfconsciously, two people lay there- waiting to see what would happen next.
It was so like a scene in a movie, that until her body was stretched out over mine- I wondered if it was all an act. A sound escaped her throat- something between a moan and a whimper. Something my imagination couldn’t have supplied, we both knew that this was impossible to escape. It was something in it’s natural element- I began to have hallucinations, and brought her down with me- in a nightmare of ecstasy. My teeth were clenched, body stiff- with a kiss like a zephyr, running over every inch of it, she reassured me that this was what I truly wanted. I started to fight, gripping her soft hands- pushing against her with my hipbones, and it was like this all through the end. Gripped, strained- I was drowning in a black sea, down- and further still; a silken wave lifted me, dropped me- and her arms lifted me closer. I clung to her to save me from the sea, anything but the sickening descents into the depth of it. I was drowning with her. Shuddering against her heartbeat, I was dead.
She was sitting on the edge of my bed, stroking the loose strands of hair away from my face so she could kiss me. Then disappeared.
I woke up in tears, literally groaning in pain from the realization that it was never real. Perfection was in this room, in my arms- and for one split second, it was mine to have.
Every item radiated with her presence, my body emitted her scent- of cologne and cigarette smoke. It felt like life-sized clouds where blocking any light from getting through to me. Every sound was ignored; my vision blurred- the only thing that got through was her memory.. Managed straight A's in every subject, an offer for a photo-shoot with a new agency, a competition for Exempt this saturday along with three parties following it, and 3days away from someone else..- i don't feel proud of anything except what i've gained with her, maybe the latter will make a difference. I hope so desperately.
This should teach me not to drink so early in the day. Never mind that now, since I turned over and slept peacefully in the same bed we’d lied together in. She makes me feel incredibly accomplished with what i've done, but in comparison to her- i feel like i fall behind. Her grades are beneath mine, her spirituality intact, but below mine- but to me, she's perfection. I wish with every fiber in my body, that I could have her like that again, the feeling’s mutual- that I’m certain of.