It happened again. I looked to her- and saw the universe..
Even back when we used to tell each other everything, he’d always been hard to figure out. I’m still dimly amazed by the swift way he takes charge of the situation- no shock whatsoever. Normally that would irritate me- but around him, I feel reassured. He had woken something that had been sleeping for the past fourteen years. And now I’m afraid of messing this up. If you’re reading this now, just know that I love you- and forgive me if I’ve pushed in any way recently. I really do care- you belong with me, you said so yourself.
I bounce back from thinking that he is the most insufferable being on the planet- to seeing, that beneath all of that arrogance, lays one of the most complex people I have had the privilege to know.
Many new poeple have been finding themselves into my heart- and attempting for a chance at something else. It's nice to see that I still attract certain types of people- and i think i'm finally begining to understand my 'patterns'. It's hard to explain.. but basically, I'm doing okay for now. Michael has brought out the calmer, more mellow side of me; Steven- the conciderate; Jessica- the ditzy unexpected; and Michelle- really, a combination of all. I adore spending time with all of them, and today I managed to spend some 'alone time' with someone even closer to my heart than them. Hard to believe- but i'm catching up, not only in my 'love life', but as a 'maternal figure' also.. had to take the upperhand, but all in all- she's a wonderful kid. I'm proud to see i'm having a possitive influence on a variety of types. It's.. an accomplishment.
To say the least.
I’d been in pain before, but had a core of toughness that kept the depression away. In the last two years- it’s begun to fade away. I look back, not expecting to feel the same amount of sadness I did before; though I try to avoid it- when I meet their gaze, I want so desperately to reconnect. When I stop fighting the nausea, they dissipate and I realize that I haven’t been acted upon- it’s not an attack. And now, though still close to my heart, these experiences seem far off, and oddly impersonal. Just memories that I hope for one day to hide from- and I sit here to ponder, where they ever ‘real’?
It’s too much for me to try to figure out on my own, for now at least. I suppose.. just take what delight I can from the moments I hope to share with them.
FIRST LIGHT
So many barriers to the dawn
A transparent window turned
Back upon itself, reflecting
No hint of color, only edges
Angles and billowing shapes
She pulls back the curtains, hard
Outside, the black, black trees
Skulking behind the imperfect
Mists of early winter, determined
To conceal their names from her
What else, what else do they hide?
Far away, a vagabond has lit a fire
He is invisible, but she sees him
Clearly, crouching in the darkest hour
By the orange gash of his mimic dawn
At last some color, something
Breaking out of the ordinary
Seems simple enough, and yet
Ask any restless woman at five
In the morning and she will tell you
Everything, but everything, is a barrier
Fear, mist, the secretive trees, even
The man who dominates her vision
Playing games with his false dawn's fire
Although she knows he is pure illusion
And the window - why is it never a door?