(no subject)
its sunday evening and im at work on the 3-11 shift. it moves so slowly. 30 minutes ago, i looked at the clock and it was 4:05. it's only 4:16 now. those in the real world that actually work know exactly how those numbers are possible.
i kicked him out last tuesday. he fell back on promises he made. he said "ok" to my demand and didn't put up a fight at all. i knew he'd come around though and he did. 2 days later, he apologized for fucking up so badly with me. with his own life. for dragging me into it. knowing how sick i was, he then proceeded to make me dinner: top ramen with tobbasco sauce in it (obviously some of his vices are rubbing off on me.) he sat on the couch and with me while i laid my head in his lap and he rubbed my back. we watched reruns of In Living Color and SNL. i fell asleep. he woke me up aound 2am because i was in freezing cold sweat. drenched. fever of 102. again. he actually picked me up and carried me to bed. he laid a cold washcloth on my head and let me sleep. i woke up around 9am and he was asleep in the corner. he didn't leave me all night. its been almost a week and he's barely left my side. he told me wants to spend the rest of his life with me. i didnt have the heart to tell him that the possibility of me moving back to seattle is become more and more real.
the play i was in, Dracula, ran yesterday. a matinee and evening show. the one that was supposed to run friday was cancelled because of the snow. it was fabulous. flawless. the audience was fantastic. im going to miss my cast-mates. my parens were proud. it was no surprise to them that things went so well. they have a sort of faith in my ability as a performer that no one can touch. my parents left and he stayed behind to help the crew with strike. before i went to change out of my costume though, he grabbed me and held me so tightly. when i pulled away he had tears in his eyes and when i asked him why, he said he had never seen me look more pefect than when i was on stage. he said he finally realized why i put so much effort into it and stressed so much over it. why i went to reheasals with a temperature or after working a 16 hour shift. it's what i love. it makes me happy. he made me promise to never let anyone stop me from pursuing it. to keep doing it and chasing it until i get where i want to be. so i did.
i've been sick a lot this semester. october, november, and im still trying to get over some horrendous virus right now. i went to the doctor this past week to make sure there was nothing more going on that me being susceptible to everything that comes my way because of stress and lack of sleep. he seemed to overlook my concerns about being sick and instead hinted around his concerns that i might be anorexic. funny stuff. i think my involunatry (but not unwanted) method of losing the weight that ive lost in the past couple of months is by far a less healthy way than anorexia and bulimia. i would assume that after going 2 or 3 days without any sleep, your body consumes just about every ounce of nutrients in contains just to keep you functioning. no, i wasnt on speed or coke. it was just a delightfully, yet painfully stressful, euphoric couple of months that involved little or no sleep.
i bombed all of my classes except theatre of course. never again will i work 40+ hours and try and go to school fulltime along with all of the other bullshit responsibilities i have again. bad dea. horrible one. lisa looked at me one day and said i was like superman. i replied with "super manic is more like it." superman would have never failed his classes. i reuse to let myself do that again. next semester, i will go to school and focus on that and not much more. i wont let myself work more than 30 hours a week. im excited about school next semester. "they're actually trusting me with needles mom!" ill do well. i know i will.
christmas...is going to be blah this year. i work christmas eve, christmas day, new years eve, new years day. fuck presents and dinners and partying. i just want to be with my family and i wont even get to do that. fuckin crackhead bosses, i swear to god. i know someones has to be here it just would have been nice if they could have divided up he shifts a little more evenly. i know some people asked for the time off but i know for a fact that certain others that arent working ANY of those days didnt. favoritism is a bitch. fuck this company. the only reason im here is because the pay is as good as i can get until i get my certification.
the end
i kicked him out last tuesday. he fell back on promises he made. he said "ok" to my demand and didn't put up a fight at all. i knew he'd come around though and he did. 2 days later, he apologized for fucking up so badly with me. with his own life. for dragging me into it. knowing how sick i was, he then proceeded to make me dinner: top ramen with tobbasco sauce in it (obviously some of his vices are rubbing off on me.) he sat on the couch and with me while i laid my head in his lap and he rubbed my back. we watched reruns of In Living Color and SNL. i fell asleep. he woke me up aound 2am because i was in freezing cold sweat. drenched. fever of 102. again. he actually picked me up and carried me to bed. he laid a cold washcloth on my head and let me sleep. i woke up around 9am and he was asleep in the corner. he didn't leave me all night. its been almost a week and he's barely left my side. he told me wants to spend the rest of his life with me. i didnt have the heart to tell him that the possibility of me moving back to seattle is become more and more real.
the play i was in, Dracula, ran yesterday. a matinee and evening show. the one that was supposed to run friday was cancelled because of the snow. it was fabulous. flawless. the audience was fantastic. im going to miss my cast-mates. my parens were proud. it was no surprise to them that things went so well. they have a sort of faith in my ability as a performer that no one can touch. my parents left and he stayed behind to help the crew with strike. before i went to change out of my costume though, he grabbed me and held me so tightly. when i pulled away he had tears in his eyes and when i asked him why, he said he had never seen me look more pefect than when i was on stage. he said he finally realized why i put so much effort into it and stressed so much over it. why i went to reheasals with a temperature or after working a 16 hour shift. it's what i love. it makes me happy. he made me promise to never let anyone stop me from pursuing it. to keep doing it and chasing it until i get where i want to be. so i did.
i've been sick a lot this semester. october, november, and im still trying to get over some horrendous virus right now. i went to the doctor this past week to make sure there was nothing more going on that me being susceptible to everything that comes my way because of stress and lack of sleep. he seemed to overlook my concerns about being sick and instead hinted around his concerns that i might be anorexic. funny stuff. i think my involunatry (but not unwanted) method of losing the weight that ive lost in the past couple of months is by far a less healthy way than anorexia and bulimia. i would assume that after going 2 or 3 days without any sleep, your body consumes just about every ounce of nutrients in contains just to keep you functioning. no, i wasnt on speed or coke. it was just a delightfully, yet painfully stressful, euphoric couple of months that involved little or no sleep.
i bombed all of my classes except theatre of course. never again will i work 40+ hours and try and go to school fulltime along with all of the other bullshit responsibilities i have again. bad dea. horrible one. lisa looked at me one day and said i was like superman. i replied with "super manic is more like it." superman would have never failed his classes. i reuse to let myself do that again. next semester, i will go to school and focus on that and not much more. i wont let myself work more than 30 hours a week. im excited about school next semester. "they're actually trusting me with needles mom!" ill do well. i know i will.
christmas...is going to be blah this year. i work christmas eve, christmas day, new years eve, new years day. fuck presents and dinners and partying. i just want to be with my family and i wont even get to do that. fuckin crackhead bosses, i swear to god. i know someones has to be here it just would have been nice if they could have divided up he shifts a little more evenly. i know some people asked for the time off but i know for a fact that certain others that arent working ANY of those days didnt. favoritism is a bitch. fuck this company. the only reason im here is because the pay is as good as i can get until i get my certification.
the end